[vividdaze12]

My brother and I have always been very very close. He is five years younger than I am and it was always my responsibility to watch him and make sure he was safe. He recently was married to a girl who is not close to any of her family. She dose not talk to he parents until she wants something. They have two young children, that my family and I have helped to raise. The children were with me and my husband for three to four days/nights a week. I took them to the sitter and my mother would pick them up, then their mother would pick them up from there. The problems started when my 'sister-in- law" started to be friendly with a man from work. She swears that nothing happened, but my brother found a valentine from this man under their mattress. Then he asked her to stop being friends with this man, she was always texting him or calling him on the phone, even when the whole family went on a vacation for them to get married, she would be texting this guy constantly. Any way things finally blew up and my brother swore to me he was leaving her and that they would have to try to raise the kids together, but separate. I tried to help him as best I could, offering him a place to stay and so on. Now I have been informed that they are going to stay together and he loves her and she is his life. I also have found out that she is now blaming me for this problem. She has stated that, due to my constantly talking to my brother I have ailennated her from him, and was always trying to break them up. She also said that I am no longer allowed to see the children, or talk to them. I realise that she is only trying to put the blame off on to me. Now it is no longer an issue that she was fooling around. I feel so badly about all of this and I'm not sure what to do. I have been staying away from evey one, but my mother is trying to push my brother and I together, this only makes his wife argrier, then she takes it out on him. Part of me wants to basically suck it up and talk to my brother and let him deal with the fall out, the other part just wants to never see him or his family again. I need som advice, my family is so close, we have never gone through any thing like this.

[rodandy12]

So they had the children before they were married. Your family helped them by making sure they got where they need to go and by keeping them from time to time? They had the problem with your sister-in-law's co-worker, but resolved it and got married. Now the problems begin for you?

If this is the way it worked, I see several possible issues.

No matter what she was up to with her co-worker, it doesn't look right for a woman with kids to have that level of communication with someone not the father of her children. I'm sure you pointed this out to your brother. When they were resolving things, he probably quoted you extensively. As the protector, you were on his side not hers. Sounds like she beat the rap with the co-worker and now she is building a nest.

It seems to happen quite a bit that when a couple gets married, the wife feels the need to put a fence up around her home/family/nest. It is usually toughest on the husband's mother-in-law, but in this case, you provided an easier target... you were on record as being against her. Does this sound familiar?

Your brother is in a very bad situation. His wife is making him choose between you and her. He can work with her to try to make the marriage work and create a good environment for the kids. Or, he can tell her it is unfair to push you out of the picture. That will definitely not help his marriage. Funny how this works.

You are the big sister. You have taken care of him all his life. He knows you love him without question. He does not know the same about her, but he is trying to make it work. You are the one who gets hurt.

Sometimes one has to take some lumps to make things better for the family in the long run. Others on this site might have different opinions, but I recommend you try to stay away for a while. Sounds like your family is pretty tight. After some time, they might be able to barter you back into a situation where you have a relationship with the brother and the kids. Something to remember is that to your family, your sister-in-law is the outsider.

Since she doesn't have close connections with her family, she needs the nest even more. She seems to have the upper hand now, but she is still the outsider in your family. Over time, other family members ought to be able to nudge her toward letting you back in.

The only other thing you might do is to, again, wait a while, then call her and try to meet with her. You must acknowledge that your brother is in a different situation now, but all you ever wanted was what was best for him, etc.

I'd give it six months. They have to begin to become a family and she has to establish her position as the wife of the new family.