[34ral]

The situation:
I am a 26 year old graduate student. I've been dating my SO (also 26 yo grad student) for about 4 years (with an additional 3 years of off and on before that). In the past, we've done the long distance thing, as well as live together. We live in the same city, but in different apartments now. I've spent tons of time with his family and he with mine. All but a handful of my friends from high school are married (most with kids). My friends from college are single just starting to get engaged. My friends from grad school are all in long term relationships/engaged/married. He has very few married/engaged friends.

Here's the deal: I've reached a point in my life where I want to feel settled. I want to get married and start a family or at least know that this is part of our plan. He can't/won't tell me that. He gets angry when I talk about my future kids, home, and life. He refuses to talk about our future together. It makes him uncomfortable. He's said before that he doesn't want to commit because he might make a mistake and he doesn't want to hurt me. His parents were also married to other before they met one another. His dad always told him not to get married too early because people change.

We are going to be apart for about 3 months this summer. He's looking forward to something different. He's a bit of a homebody and has spent the last semester watching TV and playing video games. (He seems to project his frustration with his social life on our relationship.) I'm hoping that he has a good time and feels less dependent on me. I'm also hoping that the time apart helps him understand what he wants from our relationship.

I just want to know that we are headed towards marriage and family. Otherwise, I may be wasting my time. Should I give him an ultimatum or wait it out?

Any thoughts?

[JBeaucaire]

An ultimatum that isn't mean-spirited and earnestly sets the stage for him to understand your true needs... sounds like it really is time.

My version of the speech would go something like: "Know one thing above all else - that I love you clearly and without hesitation. There is no doubt nor a shadow of uncertainty. And it is not just that I love you, but that I am confident in us.

"But love is not enough. If there remains in us some incompatibility in your mind that I do not share, I cannot suffer another month of it. That you are not certain of me after all this time is enough for me to do what I must do today.

"After today we will no longer be together. This doesn't mean my heart for you is diminished, but my life is slipping away and I can't let that happen. I want you to be free to find what it is you want that you have not found in us. I am freeing you to that search.

"And if you find your heart comes back to me, then it must be completely and fully as my love, my mate and my husband. Less than that I can bear no longer. I love you that much.

"But don't take too long, for the future is uncertain once we part after today. Even loving you as I do, I am seeking more. I need family and home and children, and I know that love could visit me again if I give it the chance to do so.

"So go, and take my love, and be free."