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Toluca_86 · Mar 17, 2008, 11:27 PM

So, when it comes to things about guys that turn me on, I'm admittedly pretty visually oriented, and generally attracted to some version of a conventionally attractive guy.

I've been thinking about something though. With the couple of guys I've messed around with that I wasn't particularly attracted to, they became obsessed with me afterwards.

With the couple of guys that I've really had the hots for, even if they initially expressed some interest/attraction on some level they lost interest in me pretty quick it seemed.

I'm wondering, do you think this is a matter of "leagues" (i.e. the first guys were maybe below me in terms of "league" and the second guys were above me) or merely some bad luck/bad relationship karma? (based on your personal feelings and experiences about the importants of looks, of course)

hollylovesbrandon · Mar 17, 2008, 11:34 PM

Well, I personally think no one is out of anyone's "league" but I get what you're driving at. When a man gets a woman that is better looking than him, one of those "wow man what does she see in you?" girls, he might get attached because you are so pretty and all his buddies think he's awesome for landing such a "hot chick" that he finds himself quote unquote calling for you and when you leave he is desperately wanting you back to prove his manliness. When you get the guys that are at your level or even above your level in looks... that man KNOWS that he can get better (and probably has before) so there is no pressure for him to stay with you to impress anyone. They don't NEED you so to speak.

I know this all sounds stereotypical and I am not one to be that way, but that is probably the easiest way to look at the situation.

450donn · Mar 18, 2008, 06:59 AM

Sort of sounds to me like you are still in the superficial stage of your dating life. Looks are everything to you at this stage in life. What you are going to find in this stage is that boys (men) in this stage are going to act and behave exactly the same way as you do. What you need to do is start thinking outside the box. Look at a mans personality. Associate yourself with people who are funny, honest, and sincere and you will be surprised how fast you start dating men that will like you for who you are and not what you look like.

Toluca_86 · Mar 18, 2008, 10:35 AM

No, looks aren't /everything/ to me. They're the primary factor in determining how attracted I am to someone, but other things matter plenty too (I won't date someone I share nothing in common with) -I guess I'd just say other stuff is more like, icing on the cake... I mean, all the guys I mention above, there was /something/ that drew me to them initially. And in at least one case with a guy I was really attracted to, I thought we hit it off great personality-wise, and it /still/ didn't last. I'm just talking about how I felt towards them as far as physical attraction goes. And I don't see why I should have to go (or why it would be a good idea to go) with a guy I'm not that physically attracted to, any more so than one of those guys I'm really attracted to should go with me unless he's really attracted to me.

kp2171 · Mar 18, 2008, 12:14 PM

Yes it's a matter of "leagues" but probably not like you think. My wife has a game she calls "I&A"... short for "idiots and a$$es".. and in the "game" you just try to decide, when people do dumb things or act poorly, are they an I or an A. sometimes they're both I&A's...

So, as stated in other posts, you might be dealing with a mixture of things. Some relationships just don't work out, some fail because one person isn't wanting to commit, some fail because the other person is a jerk. Degrees (or "leagues") of I&A's thrown into the mix.

I lost three big loves before I married. A fourth was almost a big love... had the potential, just got cut off before it became a crushing loss. And of course there were other dates along the way that didn't go anywhere in terms of a lasting relationship. Every person I dated I had some level of physical attraction to, in addition to attraction on many other levels. I saw no pattern of the more physically attracted I was, the better the relationship... nor did I think the less physically attracted I was outright, the worse the relationship.

So... I'm not sure you are "playing out of your league" physically, maybe mentally... I think you need a balance. Physical attraction isn't something to hide or be ashamed of... and it won't hold a relationship with cracks in it together.

I was largely an idiot (and sometimes an a$$) until I was mid 20's... not by design or intention... was just trying to figure out how things work and failing often along the way. Eventually I had more balance than chaos and things worked out.

Some people have that balance when they are younger. My best friend in college did. Married his HS sweetheart after graduation and they have three boys and a rock solid marriage. Me... while I had some long term relationships, I just didn't understand enough to make things work and I hadn't met the right person yet. I don't believe in soul mates, but I do believe there are times when you get a special match, and simply hard work can't always save a relationship with fundamental flaws.

Sometimes the flaw is simply bad timing. The guy isn't ready for a relationship. Or he's not right for you. Might be an A or I or both or neither.

Choux · Mar 18, 2008, 10:41 PM

There have been scientific studies about what goes into the sexual attraction between individuals. Perhaps, you would enjoy looking up these studies on the internet and reading them.

People of the same level of good looks are attracted to each other and people usually marry people at their level. You seldom see a really homely woman married to a good looking man and the reverse. A lot of genetic factors are in play, most probably... it's an interesting topic and there is a lot of information from research on the subject.

simoneaugie · Mar 19, 2008, 01:35 AM

There are some wise people posting here! I never did understand leagues. If a guy is right for a relationship with me, he can go into a completely dark room with me and stay there for days. Looks, financial status don't mean a thing. If you can talk honestly to someone, make love and enjoy their scent and touch without the benefit of "looking" then you are friends. Friends make relationships, even though friendships are sometimes hard won after years of "looking" as good as your neighbors. Eventually we all end up wrinkled and "unattractive" and then all the posturing is meaningless.

I guess, what I'm saying is, BE. Quit comparing and finding the differences between people. If you just ARE, all the lies go away. All of the posturing is already meaningless.