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vgoghgirl76 · Mar 17, 2008, 10:26 AM

Hi all - my husband and I have been married for 2 years - in May. We have 2 wonderful daughters the oldest is 4 and the youngest is 2. He and I met 13 years ago. Throughout this time he and I have dated on and off and always seemed to have a strong connection.
We had our 1st child then got engaged had our 2nd then tied the knot. It seems though that we seem to go through cycles of bad times. He likes to drink and hang out with his friends till 2-3 in the morning - granted this had toned down over time but he still occasionally feels the need. Here lately I have found that he has lied about who he has been out with - she happened to be a woman he works with- when confronted about it, he states that he does not tell me stuff to avoid arguments.
I will admit he is upset with me for "nit picking" - and maybe I do B*tch too much. It just seems like a never ending cycle - he blames me for drinking and staying out till all hours and then I get upset about the drinking and say something.
Sometimes I worry that my idea of married life and his are completely different.
Any advice on how to make it through this..

kp2171 · Mar 17, 2008, 11:06 AM

I can't tell you what's in his head... he could just be in "dumb boy" mode or it could be more serious.

Today is my 8th year anniversary, together almost 10. I can tell you honestly that the first two years married were among the toughest. Marriage makes you face yourself in all your glory and disgrace... and its not easy.

It took some time for my wife to understand my need to "Cave Time" meaning time away. It wasn't personal against her... I spend a lot of time with her... but sometimes I need to get the heck away. Just as I love my son... love him to death... sometimes I need some time away.

So... is it always this hard? It can be. The more my wife and I talk about sex, money, life, goals, faith... the better it gets. But those first two years had some unexpected dips and ruts.

You learn to pick your battles. If letting him go out now and then tempers him, it might not be worth the noise. But what about you? Do you ever get that same time out with your friends? There needs to be some balance. It doesn't have to be equal... a night for him and a night for you... but it does need to feel adequate and reasonable.

My wife travels a lot on business, so she is out a lot. But that isn't necessarily "fun time"... so when she says that sheila from S.C. is coming into town... I know I might see her that night, I might see her the next morning, I might need bail money, I might get a call from three states away.

I'm OK with that cause it helps her keep her sanity. On my side... there are several times a year ill be out all night with friends and she's OK. As for him being out with a woman... mixed feelings here. I've always been friends with a number of women and my partner has some guy friends she used to play all night poker with. I believe it can be completely just friends and not sexual... but obviously, it can cross that line too.

In the end all you can do is talk openly and pick your fights well. Some things are just not work the noise. And some are. If he isn't pulling his part you need to ask for more...

Do you have friends that you can go out with, or has the family life isolated you?

the1unv · Mar 17, 2008, 11:11 AM

Every guy needs a little time out... however, I would say out drinking with a woman from work is a NO,NO. I would seriously consider some marriage counseling. Sounds like you love each other... it is hard sometimes to get into the groove of understanding each other. You need to respect his need of getting some time away... he needs to respect you in how and where he gets away. He also needs to give you the chance to get out with the girls as well. Say the 2nd Friday of every month is his night out... the 3rd Friday of every month is your night out. A counselor will help you set boundaries and help you understand each other... not to mention the most important thing... will help you learn how to communicate with one another.
Mike

kp2171 · Mar 17, 2008, 11:29 AM

A scheduled night out for the boy to be with the boys, and the girl to be with the girls is a great idea.

Also, why not schedule a date night or two in there. Lord knows if I didn't plan these with my wife, theyd happen much less often.

JessicaC1970 · Mar 17, 2008, 11:51 AM

Hi,
I have been married for over 10 years and let me tell you... the first few years were really hard! It was different for us in some respects because we were both older (me 27 and him 25 at the time) and set in our ways. We were only together for 10 months when we got married and there were no children involved. How old are you both if I may ask? Because as we all know,(no offense to any guys out there) that men take a while to mature and sometimes they just have growing pains. I feel that most men won't do counceling but if you belong to any religious affiliation, sometimes someone from there may talk to either of you or both to give some insight. As far as friends of the opposite sex, that is never a good idea outside of the confines of work or however you know them. Many friends I've seen think they were okay to be friends and it turned out that their alone time or intimate conversations lead to comforting each other and then infidelity.

kp2171 · Mar 17, 2008, 01:02 PM

Originally Posted by JessicaC1970

...How old are you both if I may ask? Because as we all know,(no offense to any guys out there) that men take a while to mature and sometimes they just have growing pains...

I was mid 20's when I married, and thank God it wasn't sooner. Took me that long to get my head out of my... well, you know.

even today, when I make the statement "you know im not a complete idiot" she'll answer with "you arent?!"... =/

who knew the "honeymoon" period was that early time in the marriage when you're so mad at your honey you want to moon them from the window as they are leaving the house in anger?

vgoghgirl76 · Mar 17, 2008, 01:15 PM

He and I are both 31 - I understand that he needs time to get away and I have come to realize that I need that also - I guess mommy world, work world and wife world sucked me in and I have made little time for amanda world. I guess I am just afraid that if I turn my head to things that happen they will just keep getting worse - and if I confront him he will realize how upset and hurt I am. - in reality though it seems to be doing just the opposite. We are in counseling and have been for about 7 months now. We seem to get really good and then really bad - I am just so tired and scared - its not how I pictured marriage. I want to grow old with him, but grow old happy with him.

JessicaC1970 · Mar 17, 2008, 02:02 PM

No one ever pictures marriage as how much work it can really be sometimes. But remember your both made a commitment to each other for life. If that really means something to both of you, you need to try to communicate with each other in a non-confrontational way when you both are calm. And don't give up if you can help it because it does get easier. I promise! And it's not always work either if you do the work when it is needed. It takes self-sacrifice and self-discipline to be a good marriage mate. And it takes both people to respect and love each other to make it work. Hope that helps!

talaniman · Mar 20, 2008, 11:23 AM

Its not what you say, but how and when. It takes years to be able to talk the same language, and learn what we each expect and need, so be patient and get busy doing the work it takes to build a life together. It's a slow neverending process with many bumps, but you get through it. I think being able to do the things we enjoy, without our partners keeps us fresh, and keeps us out of the others hair ,so we don't feel smothered, or taken for granted. It's a lot easier to be happy with someone, when your happy with yourself, so never forget to love who you are.

kp2171 · Mar 21, 2008, 08:28 AM

450donn disagrees: Your spouse is suppose to be your best friend. Schedule dates with her!

how dare you! you are absolutely clueless about my marriage, and so quick to judge. Ignorant!

I consistently talk about doing the work to make a marriage last... this includes intimate time together, which often needs to be planned, especially with a family. It takes effort and deliberate intent, and I state this over and over. Don't lecture me on this.

Never once did I state they should not plan time together.

My point was that, while its not wrong for him to want some time with others outside the family, she should also get some "escape time". Studies show that people with more friends live longer and happier lives. Its easy for someone to lose themselves in the demands of a marriage, even one that is good. The pressures of the first years of marriage are often because people are so much in contact with each other, they forget to nurture the individual as well.

So get off your high horse and stop being so quick to assume I don't spend time on my wife. We've had three dates in the last two weeks, two of which were arranged by me. That said, she also takes Saturday mornings for herself, to see friends or have time alone while I play with the kid, and every other Monday night out to be with friends.

If this is unacceptable to you, then you are as clueless as you sound.

kp2171 · Mar 21, 2008, 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by kp2171

a scheduled night out for the boy to be with the boys, and the girl to be with the girls is a great idea.

also, why not schedule a date night or two in there. Lord knows if i didnt plan these with my wife, theyd happen much less often.

450donn, so you disagreed by stating what I actually said myself.

450donn · Mar 21, 2008, 08:48 AM

Originally Posted by kp2171

how dare you! you are absolutely clueless about my marriage, and so quick to judge. ignorant!

i consistently talk about doing the work to make a marriage last... this includes intimate time together, which often needs to be planned, expecially with a family. it takes effort and deliberate intent, and i state this over and over. dont lecture me on this.

never once did i state they should not plan time together.

my point was that, while its not wrong for him to want some time with others outside the family, she should also get some "escape time". studies show that people with more friends live longer and happier lives. its easy for someone to lose themself in the demands of a marriage, even one that is good. the pressures of the first years of marriage are often because people are so much in contact with each other, they forget to nurture the individual as well.

so get off your high horse and stop being so quick to assume i don't spend time on my wife. we've had three dates in the last two weeks, two of which were arranged by me. that said, she also takes saturday mornings for herself, to see friends or have time alone while i play with the kid, and every other monday night out to be with friends.

if this is unacceptable to you, then you are as clueless as you sound.

Sorry if YOU don't like my answer. You are right I do not know you or anything about YOUR marriage (s) However I do know that spending time away from ones family and instead being with the "boys" is not the answer. Going out Drinking with the boys to me exhibits a behavior that is not conducive to a positive family environment. I have nothing against going fishing with the guys on a Saturday afternoon as long as everything else in the house and family are taken care of FIRST. Marriage should be a selfless act where each person gives their all.

kp2171 · Mar 21, 2008, 09:22 AM

Hmmm... I never said ignore the house and family. I said find balance, particularly her need to have time to recharge, and date time set aside with her husband. Sad thing is we agree more than you seem to understand. Telling me to schedule dates when I told her to do exactly that mere inches above your disagree is a little silly or sloppy.

I promise I'm done threadjacking here.