[Toluca_86]

I was going out with this guy once every week or two for a couple months. We really enjoyed hanging out and talking -we had lots of interests and values in common and he was good looking. There was an age gap though -I was closer to 20, he was closer to 30. A rather large experience gap when it came to relationships (I'm not a virgin -but only barely). We messed around a couple times though, and I thought things went swimmingly; we were fairly sexually compatible. And he acted like he wanted to continue seeing me, so of course I was disappointed when I discovered his blog while on vacation and learned that he'd just gone on a couple of dates with a woman (his age) that he was really into. The only reference he'd made to me was one day he wrote that he felt better when he could dedicate time to making out. I told him I found the blog when I got back, and he said before me he was in an intense relationship with a bad breakup and with me he'd enjoyed hanging with someone he was "comfortable with" without trying to build it up into anything, but now he'd met someone he "really liked" and he wasn't comfortable being physical with more than one person at a time so he wanted us to be "just friends" so he could date her. But then, he continued about once a week to chat with me, and he flirts and compliments me a little, even in front of his friends. Two months later I left to go to school on the other coast and he said he wanted to stay in touch and that he likes what he knows about me and hopes to get to know me better in the future. I don't know if he only ever foresees being "just friends" with me, or if he sort of likes-likes me, or if he just likes attention from women (he's polite and sensitive but also, I think, kind of vain). Since I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, I don't know if he ever liked me and I just didn't act interested/relationship-y enough for him to think our thing had any potential for more, or if he felt in control the whole time and just got what he wanted from me. I'm moving back to his city in two months for the summer, and from hints dropped on his blog I think the thing with him and the other woman didn't work out. How can I ask him what was/is up with his feelings towards me?

I have trouble imagining putting lots of energy into pleasing someone in an intimate way who you just felt "comfortable" with... but than I am admittedly relatively young and ignorant...

[ChihuahuaMomma]

It really does sound like he just wants to be friends.

[friend4u178]

Yep I agree with CMomma , always remember "Actions speak louder than words"

[Toluca_86]

Well, he /is/ e-mailing or IMing with me about once a week while I'm at school... and he's still kind of flirty, and sometimes joking about sexual issues, etc. If he truly has never felt at all romantically towards me... and just wanted a warm body for awhile, would I have a right to be mad at him because I feel like what he's doing now is kind of like teasing, if that were the case? Is it possible he just felt the strong vibe in terms of similar interests too, and is wanting to stay friends to see if it turns into something more? I thought one ex of his I met was well... not particularly better looking or cooler than me... and I know he was friends w/ her for awhile before they started going out...

[friend4u178]

Well you say he has a GF right now even though your not sure if it worked out , so why would you want to hang on and be his reserve , don't ever play second fiddle to anybody in my opinion.

[Homegirl 50]

You probably stroked his ego a bit by your being so young and since you gave it up, maybe he figures you're good for a good time. IMO, I think you should leave him alone before you end up hurt. He has an agenda and it's not a serious relationship

[Toluca_86]

Well you say he has a GF right now even though your not sure if it worked out , so why would you want to hang on and be his reserve , don't ever play second fiddle to anybody in my opinion.

Well I guess, because to me it's unrealistic to expect that the first go around w/ anyone should forever determine the way you feel towards each other, especially when I felt like we were in the beginning stages of getting to know each other. I, for one, was a bit nervous the whole time and not particularly affectionate. I mean, I have a best friend with whom we basically hated each other for the first year we knew each other. And I know that with the guy in the OP, I was at first just kind of attracted, and it grew more w/ time. Oh and also... there is the "I wound up really liking him a lot" factor, which I suppose makes it easier to delude myself... he was basically the first guy w/ whom I could picture myself in some sort of an actual relationship, due to various compatibilities.

Another thing is, most of his friends are women, pretty cool women at that... so I do think he's a nice guy on at least some level. But maybe it's silly to trust someone just primarily based on who their friends are...

Again, I am admittedly pretty inexperienced with dating/relationships.

[friend4u178]

I understand exactly what your saying and can see why you are confused. But please remember you are still very young compared to him and have a lot of living to do until you seriously need to commit to somebody. Is it possible you are just infatuated with him because he gives you attention?

[Toluca_86]

I understand exactly what your saying and can see why you are confused. But please remember you are still very young compared to him and have a lot of living to do until you seriously need to commit to somebody. Is it possible you are just infatuated with him because he gives you attention??

No, I don't just like him because he gives me attention. I've been through that, w/ the first guy I was w/ -I mostly liked /him/ just because he liked me, and it didn't turn out well.

No, with this guy I definitely like him for the things I know about him -b/c I've had fun w/ him, in and out of bed, overall more than I have had w/ other people.

But of course I'm not looking to settle down or anything. And it's not that I've stopped looking at boys... just haven't happened upon any that I clicked w/... so I'm still thinking about this guy, and wondering what to do/what to expect when I move back to his city in 2 months...

[jeremydavis0303]

This is the type of guy that likes to keep his options open... he had a failed relationship so he sought out a companion to heal his wounds. You were that person and someone he could count on to fall back on when things went bad. What I mean by this is that while seeing you he was looking for another girl and while seeing this girl he lead you on so that you would still like him so he could have something to fall back on if this relationship didn't work, so that he would feel more secure knowing there is someone there and by this going out and trying to find another girl that better suits him. Sounds harsh but its true this guy sounds like something I would do.

[Toluca_86]

Sounds harsh but its true this guy sounds like something I would do.

Hmm... except that this guy claimed, when stating his desire to get to know me better, that our history was odd and a "unique experience" for him. (Didn't really define what he meant by "our history" of course... )

[friend4u178]

Hmm... except that this guy claimed, when stating his desire to get to know me better, that our history was odd and a "unique experience" for him. (Didn't really define what he meant by "our history" of course...)

Sounds to me like this guy is giving you the run around , I'd forget about him and just take the whole exercise as a learning curve. Lifes too short to be investing in something that doesn't seem to be offering much return in the future.

If he really wanted you he would let you know and you shouldn't have to be second guessing.

[confused25]

Toluca, may I ask exactly what your age is? The reason I'm curious is because I have been following your posts in some of the other questions and it sounds to me like you know a lot more about relationships than you give yourself credit for. You actually sound rather mature.

With that said, I think if you re-read your question as if someone else wrote it than you would know what you have to do. In my eyes its clear that this guy is trying to keep you around as a back-up in case his other relationships don't work. Trust me, if someone really likes you (whether it's a man or woman) that person will let you know and choose to be with you exclusively. I'm actually surprised your not angrier at him for what happened. Just let this guy go and find yourself a better man. Ask yourself, do you really want to stick around to be somebody's second choice?

[Toluca_86]

Friend,

Well, but how do I keep from investing when I enjoy talking to him, and /he/ keeps contacting /me/?

I've considered trying to phase him out, but that's kind of painful. It's difficult to suppress my own feelings when I just feel more confused than anything else.

Do you think I should have a what-is-up conversation w/ him? (more accurately, /another one/, but make this time different by not stopping until I get a clear answer.. ) How should I do that, if so? I feel like if I do that, it would be better to wait until we're face-to-face... But maybe he thought that asking me once if I wanted to be "just friends" was enough... maybe it's just me that's continuing to delude myself thinking that there's something more complicated there anyway... maybe he means the flirting to mean nothing. (But is it possible to be that oblivious?)

[confused25]

It is human nature to make things more complicated than they really are. A lot of it has to do with hope. We want a certain someone back in our life so badly that we look for any little reason or sign of hope to convince ourselves that its still possible, when in fact it's pretty obvious things just won't work out.

As much as I hate to say it, this is one of those cases. Once he told you that he just wanted to be friends the relationship was over. All the flirting that is coming from his end is a result of one of two things: (1) he wants to keep you around in case he ever wants to go back (2) it gives him an ego boost.

If I were in your position I would stop talking to this person. Cut him out of your life. I know it hurts, but it will hurt more if you continue to stick around hoping he will change his mind. Talk to him one last time and tell him that you can no longer talk to him because of the fact that you care so much about him. Let him know that at the moment you can't be friends because your feelings for him are very strong and consequently you can't stand the idea of him being with someone else. Be honest with him.

Take the time to sift through these boards. You'll find a lot of people who have been in similar situations. The advice people give time and again is "No Contact." Cutting contact saves you the pain and confusion. It allows you to heal and move on with your life. If it's meant to be he will come back, if not than at least you didn't waste your time waiting.

[Toluca_86]

Toluca, may I ask exactly what your age is? The reason I'm curious is because I have been following your posts in some of the other questions and it sounds to me like you know a lot more about relationships than you give yourself credit for. You actually sound rather mature.

I'm almost 22. And not to brag, but I know I'm pretty smart and savvy when it comes to certain things... I go to a good school, I'm witty. I think this guy started to get more of a clue on that /after/ he broke up w/ me, starting w/ when I surprised him by telling him I found his blog and then made fun of him for it... it gave me more confidence around him, actually.

In my eyes its clear that this guy is trying to keep you around as a back-up in case his other relationships don't work.

Could be.

Trust me, if someone really likes you (whether it's a man or woman) that person will let you know and choose to be with you exclusively.

You think so? See with me, I am not always good at letting people know I really like them. In fact, I am generally more nervous, less touchy, and sometimes even more distant around people I really like. Not saying I expect this guy is like that. In fact, I don't expect that he knows he wants to be with me /at this point in time/

I'm actually surprised your not angrier at him for what happened.

Yeah, well I think the reason for my relatively non-dramatic response was multipart. One is self-esteem -or lack thereof, I suppose. As I started to dig this guy more, I started to expect that things would not work out (a pattern w/ me, seemingly) so I kind of expected something to go wrong. Another was that I'd acted casual about the situation up until that point, so I figured if I got all upset about it I'd seem immature. And then, of course, I simply really enjoy hanging out w/ him; I wish I could wash the emotional sticky-ness all away and just savor that part...

Just let this guy go and find yourself a better man.

That would be the trouble. I've had worse men, but not better. I don't know how to find one, it would seem...

[friend4u178]

That would be the trouble. I've had worse men, but not better. I don't know how to find one, it would seem...

You want to know a secret Toluca... they normally turn up when you aren't looking :-)

[Toluca_86]

I guess too is it so inconceivable... sure not common, but /inconceivable/, that our interactions after he broke up with me gave him greater appreciation for how smart and interesting I am... and that at the least now he wants to be friends in a real sense, more so than while he was dating me? And possibly in the future something more, depending on how his feelings go, though he's not necessarily planning for that? Maybe he's a little unsure of what he wants. Normally he's most attracted to women his own age. He was in a long-term relationship w/ a normal-looking girl who'd been his best friend, then had a short but intense (for him) relationship w/ a very beautiful woman he'd not known that well. And maybe the problem w/ me was that I wasn't his type physically... but like I said, he complimented me, and I know he has crushes on women who look all sort of different ways.

I don't think he's deliberately manipulative... but maybe he is kind of emotionally F-ed up and it's not just me. I guess I just feel like I'd gain more from trying to talk to him first than by simply cutting him out of my life altogether. I've done that w/ people too, and that didn't stop me from thinking about a situation...

[confused25]

The answer to all of your questions is a resounding "Maybe." However, I personally believe that he will only appreciate you once your gone from his life. Ask yourself, how can he appreciate everything you have to offer when your always there to talk to him? You really don't appreciate something until its gone.

Moreover, at this point all he really does want is to be friends (that's exactly what he told you). However, just because the two of you are friends doesn't mean a relationship will develop. The biggest problem is that if you stick around for a friendship with the idea that it may turn into something more will only cause you a great deal of pain and confusion. If you want to remain friends, than do it, but don't hold out hope that things will work out in the future.

Also, you mention that when you like someone you act distant from them. I actually have a hard time believing that. I don't know you very well, but from your initial post it didn't sound like you kept your distance when you began having feelings for this guy. Maybe I should rephrase what I said: If someone truly likes you they won't tell you they just want to be friends while they date someone else.

Remember what I said about how its human nature to make things complicated. You're looking for hope that he will come back and it's only confusing you more.

[Toluca_86]

Maybe I should rephrase what I said: If someone truly likes you they won't tell you they just want to be friends while they go ahead and date someone else.

Ouch. But yeah. I know people like multiple people at the same time all the time, even when in relationships. But I guess if he liked me somewhat but he still wanted to date someone else, he might have told me that.

how can he appreciate everything you have to offer when your always there to talk to him?

I don't know about /always/. I don't answer every single e-mail of his, or every question, I cut some IM conversations off short... I certainly am more distant with him than I am with my regular friends, and always have been. Not sure if that has much affect on his feelings, though...

Also, I'm not completely ulterior-motive free myself. He's got a lot of cool friends I wouldn't mind getting to know more. And one of his friends is another cute and interesting guy, who I think was maybe attracted to me in that more typical way (both times he met me he stared at me and smiled at me more than any other women in the room) I would totally hook up w/ him given the chance.