[bionicbunny69]

I've recently read a few posts on here about ladies being concerned they are getting used for sex.

Basically id like to know what is classed as a healthy sex life, or even better a high sex drive and what is classed as being used for sex.

I'm in a relationship, I love my boyfriend to pieces, but when we are out and he has had too much to drink he just wants to head off to his for sex, it annoys me, but I do it, as I don't particularly like his side when he is drunk, he is too loud and a bit of a show off.

Like someone else said my boyfriend see's sex as a need more than a want, as he says if he doesn't get it he feels really frustrated and as if he is going to explode, but it annoys me if I stay at his and he has a wank in the night, I don't consider that normal?

[Xrayman]

Yes you may be being used-do you like the sex/the relatioship-if not, then you are being used.

On the other side, personally as a man, I love sex and I masturbate more often than I have sex-my partner does not find sex as nice as I do.

[simoneaugie]

A high sex drive is different for different people. More than once a week is too much for some. Less than 6 times a day is not enough for others. A healthy sexual relationship is open to discuss who wants what, and when. If one or both of the participants are unhappy most of the time with the sex, they may be incompatible sexually.

Being used, that is when one of the people in a relationship is attempting (or is forced/coerced) to keep the peace in a way that is opposed to what they really want. I think.

A wank in the night is addressing the need. He's taking care of his own business, good for him. Are you are letting yourself be used if you take him to have sex because you don't like his drunken side? Or are you simply being practical? The problem really isn't sex, it's embarrassment/annoyance over how he gets when he drinks?

Does his desire for sexual frequency bother you if he isn't drunk? If it does, perhaps the two of you are not sexually compatible. If you don't enjoy having sex with him, he needs to know that. It 'sounds' as if he's a selfish guy, but if he doesn't have full knowledge of how his behavior affects you, then he isn't doing anything wrong. He just does not know. Talk to him, openly and honestly!

[kp2171]

Its great when my partner and I can spend time on sensual sex... which isn't redundant. When we can take time to connect and build sensual tension, sex almost becomes a natural "afterthought". Its not forced or planned or scripted so much... even though there's usually some "planning" needed to get this time alone together. Sitters just don't show automatically when the mood strikes.

That said... there are times when we'll have quick sex... maybe its sneaking home at lunchtime, or a rush in the morning before work. There's times when my partner has come out of the bathroom, wrapped in a robe, and all but demanded I get in the bedroom now.

I think its sexy as sin. Love it. Don't feel "put upon" at all.

I can say there are times when, if things don't work out, if we just can't make the time to make time, I can become a pent up grump who has a dark cloud over his head. I can even feel an ugly level of physical anxiousness or tension. And, unfortunately, its not so simple as saying "get yourself off"... sure, that can sometimes get you through the moment... but sex with another person is about connecting with that person... even when its not the dream connection. Even when you aren't mentally on the same page, the physical act is still connected to an emotional desire to be with your mate... to have your hands on that person, to taste their lips, to watch their face flush and feel their breath shorten... even quick-get-me-off sex has an emotional connection.

Luckily, my partner knows there are times when getting the big "O" can just change the day, and doesn't feel "put upon" so much when its clear I need a "fix"... this is probably because there's been more than a few times she's woken me up out of a dead sleep and pushed me down to get her off when she had a jones for it. And I absolutely LOVE it when she does that. It means she's craving it. I think that's sexy. So is it just sexy when a woman wants it badly, but when a guy wants it, suddenly he's a jerk? Yes and no and maybe. Its just not that clean or simple.

So...

Don't feel bad cause you are put off if drunk sex doesn't do it for you. When "done right", alcohol can have a positive impact on sex. For ex, a glass of wine can help my partner mentally and physically relax... both of which are important for full enjoyment of sex, let alone getting off. But if its used as a crutch, or in excess, it can be an issue.

As far as him getting himself off while you are there... I'm not going to say its right or wrong for either of you... you can decide its wrong, and he can decide its right, and you both can be "right"... for your own perspective. My opinion is that if he's turned on and you aren't interested, and he gets himself off... well, id look at it as a "compromise". He's not pestering you but he's not going to be up all night frustrated.

And that can happen. I remember once travelling with my wife to a relatives house to visit for a week. Several days in I was really, really wanting some time alone with her, but there was absolutely no way it could happen in that situation. I was up one night until 4:30am cause my mind wouldn't let it go and I couldn't do much about it. Didn't want to be up all night. Wasn't mad at her. But that tension was unreal. It happens. And I think I have a pretty healthy perspective about things like this.

So... as mentioned, try to talk openly and try not to make this about you versus him. Chances are, alcohol will always cause him to lose his inhibitions and remove some of the "filters" that are present when he isn't drinking. Doesn't mean its right or wrong... it's the reality. Just as my partner is more interested in sex at night when she's had that glass of wine that relaxes her body and clears the noise from her mind. In no way does this mean we don't have good sex without alcohol.

So you are where you are. I never feel "put upon" when my partner wants a quikie because even then I feel like I'm giving her attention she craves and filling a physical need she desires. OK. I think that's pretty damn great and healthy.

But you are feeling put upon. Not so good. If his drive is just much higher than yours, id try to be more patient about him getting himself off... otherwise you are telling him you don't want to have sex, but you don't want him to get himself off, meaning you want him to be pent up. Not much compromise there.

[bionicbunny69]

Thanks all three of you for your ideas and opinions, great help.
I love him, he loves me, he always wants to be with me, if we are not together we are on the phone and texting. So therefore it makes sense that he does actually like me for me, not just for sex.
While I've been thinking about this lately its got my mind whizzing round, another thing is "kissing" we can have the odd passionate kiss, but it tendsn only to be before/during sex, this is because whenever we kiss he goes hard, and then doesn't always get sex. Is going hard then not getting sex a really bad thing, can anyone suggest why he doesn't really show willingness to passionately kiss unless he knows we will have sex?