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LizaLuv · Mar 4, 2008, 02:03 PM

Hi my name is Yvette and I am 26 years old and I have a 3 year son whom I had with my previous relationship. We were together for 8 years before he decided that he wanted space. 3 months later he got another girl pregnant and now they have 4 children and that's including my son. I wasn't in a relationsip for 3 years didn't want to even try stopped believing love and its not true.Untill God gave me sign. When I was 5 years old my family and I were stationed overseas(Military brat) we lived next door to these boys that were my age and we used to play together and go to school together.One of the brothers was my first boyfriend yeah I know the age of 5 lol.. lol Anyway we liked each other a lot and we stayed and played together and went to dances together until I turned I turned the age 10 we had to move back to the US. So hadn't talked to this boy over 15 years until we reunited 16 years went by and I still thought of him all that time and versus with him.He is great with my son and loves him.My son likes him a lot too. Anyway he are very committed to each know and got more serious going to get married but he had to go to Texas for work and go to court as well cause for the sake of his daughter from his previous marriage. I was never married to my ex but when me ex found out about my new man in life he flipped out and got mad and threaten to kick his butt.. this and this my ex is very threatened by my new man told me himself.He doesn't want me to take my son to Tx he would only go there for visit. I had full custody of him till his father claimed paternity and got his rights as a father. I am still the sole custodial parent and he is the non-custodial parent 50-50. There is nothing on the order about I can't move out of state. I just have to let the father know 30 days in advance which I didn't more than 30 days and he is threatening me telling me I shouldn't go and that I'm being selfish Why do I have to move. etc. He still is trying to control me as if I was still his :"GIRL". I am leaving within the month but he's father is not being cooperative. Its not like I am going to not let him see his son he doesn't want him out of the state period because he "has family" here in California. My son has me as a mother and my fiancé who will be his stepson and he has grandparents etc. but my ex thinks its not right.Yeah he's got brothers and a stepsister doesn't mean he can't be with me.. I am getting clausterphobic where it feels like I can't breathe.. sometimes he tries to stress my out so I won't go, and my ex said that the court will not allow me to take my son wth and that I would have to stay in California.. I feel like I am out of loss...
On the proposed orders we have its says I AM TO REMAIN THE SOLE PARENT...
This man has not giving me a dime helping me with Dr bills.. could not even pay a copayment of 20 dollars when I had to take my son in when he was 2 twice he has told me no he couldn't help me and plus
THERE IS NOTHING ON THE CHILD SUPPORT ISSUE
HE TRIED TO FILE IT ON ME TO PAY HIM BUT IT GOT DISMISSED... FOR NEITHEROF US TO PAY

Clough · Mar 4, 2008, 02:13 PM

(Post moved from Introductions to more appropriate topic area in order to get better exposure to those best able to respond to it.)

O_Troubles · Mar 4, 2008, 02:17 PM

Look into local laws but I'm sure if it says 50/50 and you can move take your son and go if he takes you to court with 4 kids and u not benig married to him and him harassing you now you would win. If you can get phoe recordings or answering machine copys of him being rude o hreting in case he takes u to court I'm no expert but move on anything he tries won't work and with more kids to care for he has other priorites

Fr_Chuck · Mar 4, 2008, 02:20 PM

There are some issues, how is he to get his 50 percent rights without extra cost and problems to him. And he can easily go to court and try to stop this move, This is not unheard of at all, If he has been visiting with the child on a regular basis at this point, the court will normally go with the father to protect his rights to visit

cdad · Mar 4, 2008, 02:43 PM

Im not sure where it comes from but so far as Im aware you can't be the custodial parent in a 50 / 50 because that's shared parenting. Custodial would be you have the greater share of the child like 80 / 20. Another thing is how did you plan on getting your child to him ? Can you afford paying ALL the expenses needed ? Is there a possibility for mediation ? Otherwise your both going to end up in court fighting and with the attitude you currently project you will be seen as trying to remove his rights as a father covertly.
Good Luck and don't forget to consult a lawyer.

stinawords · Mar 4, 2008, 02:54 PM

Fr Chuck and Calif are both exactly right. In every case that I've been involved with the parent that moves is the one that has to pay the cost of getting the child back to the other parent for visitation. And as Calif said especially if it's 50/50 he has a lot of rights to claim.

LizaLuv · Mar 4, 2008, 04:10 PM

I have been paying for my sons insurance for the past 2 years and his father was not working because he got fired frm his job for failing a drug test
I also pay for my sons daycare expenses... my ex has not helped me at all helping raise our son... but he can support his other kids why not help me out and help me pay my sons insurance and bills from the Doctors

Synnen · Mar 4, 2008, 04:21 PM

Well, you've got a court order about custody---what does it say about child support?

cjonline · Mar 5, 2008, 09:53 AM

Support and custody are two separate issues. If you don't have a support order in place go to court and get one. Even if he has 4 other children he will be ordered to pay something.

In regards to moving... his involvement in your child's life is the key here. I assume that you have a visitation order in place and he gets your child like it states every time. Most are every other weekend and part of the summer. If your ex does that, then the Judge will tell you the child has to stay. You can't take away his right to be in his child's life because you want to move. If that is not the case then you might be able to fight and get a Judge to see your point, but I don't think it will happen. All your ex has to do is say this was a wake up call, he doesn't want his son to leave and from now on will be in the child's life as much as he can. The Judge will by it and you have to stay, or at least the child does.

However unfair you feel it is you should get the courts approval before leaving.

ScottGem · Mar 5, 2008, 10:04 AM

Custody is not the issue here, visitation is. Nowhere do you discuss whether the bio father has visitation rights and, if so, whether they are court ordered.

Custody only means that he has a say in how your child is raised. If there are no visitation rights mandated by the courts then you are free to move. If there are, then the court would have to agree to a modification of those rights.

JudyKayTee · Mar 5, 2008, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by O_Troubles

look into local laws but im sure if it says 50/50 and you can move take your son and go if he takes you to court with 4 kids and u not benig married to him and him harassing you now you would win. if you can get phoe recordings or answering machine copys of him being rude o hreting in case he takes u to court im no expert but move on anything he tries wont work and with more kids to care for he has other priorites

Custody/visitation and harassment, being unmarried and him having 4 other children are unrelated - you would have to go to Court to get permission to move. It would appear you can't just pick up and go.

cdad · Mar 5, 2008, 03:55 PM

I guess wording is different in other places. In Calif the wording is physical and legal ( custody ). Legal is a provision for having a say in how your child / children are raised and physical is for determining child support like 50 / 50 or 80 / 20 etc. Both parents should be carrying medical for the child so long as its available at your place of employment then it can become a mandate in a court order ( if its not in there you need to get it ). Another thing is child care is usually split between the parents and some states have time limits for collection ( if its not in there you need to get it ). At this point I think a closer examination of your papers from the courts is really what's needed to get you a answer that's more sound otherwise we here make assumptions and generalizations.

JudyKayTee · Mar 6, 2008, 06:36 AM

Originally Posted by LizaLuv

I have been paying for my sons insurance for the past 2 years and his father was not working because he got fired frm his job for failing a drug test
i also pay for my sons daycare expenses... my ex has not helped me at all helping raise our son...but he can support his other kids why not help me out and help me pay my sons insurance and bills from the Doctors

The place to ask why he can support his other children and not yours is in Court.

Once again, is any of this Court ordered?

cjonline · Mar 6, 2008, 08:47 AM

They have split custody. The child lives with her 1/2 the week and him 1/2 the week. So neither of them have to pay support. She says it is court ordered but they agreed to it before hand.

stinawords · Mar 6, 2008, 10:07 AM

If the child spends half the week with him you absolutely have to have the courts permision before leaving the area! If you don't you could be in serious trouble and risk losing him all together.

cjonline · Mar 6, 2008, 11:16 AM

She is not looking to keep the child with her when she moves but she wants to "work out" and arrangement with the father so basically the same amount of time is still split between them. She stated that the father doesn't want to do that and won't talk about it at all.

To my understanding... She wanted to leave the child with him, move and get settled in. Then get the child a couple of weeks after she reaches some agreement with him. He is not willing to agree to anything other than what they have now or him keeping the child full time and her getting visitation. If she leaves he wants support from her and will tell the child that she left making the child hate her.

She was hoping to get advice on how to convince him to work some agreement or what she could do to help her keep her son. She is willing to front most of the costs for the trips the child will take and she is willing to go back to Calf to visit the child there, however he flatly refuses to go to TX to visit the child there. I think that she is upset because she feels that he has other children and she only has this one and he is trying to take her child from her or keep her by his side.

The child is three and she state that they would deal with the "school" issue when it came up and she strongly believes in letting the child pick the home they want to live in when they get older.

I tried to explain that if she left the child with her ex he could file papers and get full physical custody and support, she would get visitation. I think the normal visitation for parents who live in separate states, if there is such a thing, is something like every other holiday and part of the summer. She won't get to have the child with her full time.

I don't think its what she wanted to hear.

stinawords · Mar 6, 2008, 12:40 PM

That is right, if the boy is left for a couple weeks his father would probably use that against her. The best way I see is when you go to court have a couple different visitation plans written out in front of you (just so you don't have to remember everything you came up with on the spot) and run them past the judge like every other week or something like that. Since the father is so unwilling to voluntarily make a change it will most likely come down to the judge signing a change. Having a couple plans like that already in hand will help tremendously because remember judges are people too they're just looking out for the kids and if you show that you've been making an conscious effort to sustain their relationship you'll automatically have the better hand.

cjonline · Mar 17, 2008, 11:49 AM

Califdadof3 & JudyKayTee -- The OP contacted me via e-mail that is where I got my information, not the post itself, nor was I making it up. I was just trying to highlight some of what she told me so maybe someone else could help her understand what would happen if she just left. She wasn't happy with my answers, nor do I believe that she fully understood that she could loose her child living with and just have visitation because of this move. In the end, she stated she was taking the child with her to TX and will file papers with the court there.

Sorry for the confusion over the information, just thought I would try to clear it up now.

ScottGem · Mar 17, 2008, 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by cjonline

The OP contacted me via e-mail that is where I got my information, not the post itself, nor was I making it up. .

This is why we recommend askers not using or answerers not responding to PM or e-mail requests for help. It leads to confusion and limits the asker's ability to get help.

JudyKayTee · Mar 17, 2008, 02:24 PM

Originally Posted by cjonline

Califdadof3 & JudyKayTee -- The OP contacted me via e-mail that is where I got my information, not the post itself, nor was I making it up. I was just trying to highlight some of what she told me so maybe someone else could help her understand what would happen if she just left. She wasn't happy with my answers, nor do I believe that she fully understood that she could loose her child living with and just have visitation because of this move. In the end, she stated she was taking the child with her to TX and will file papers with the court there.

Sorry for the confusion over the information, just thought I would try to clear it up now.

Oh, okay - I didn't know that was going on, thought everything was posted on the Board. Quite frankly, that's sort of discouraging because here I was, trying to help, with the info I had and there was a whole other conversation going on.