[buybagsnow]

Hello-

I am new to this site, I wrote out my question and pushed send, but when I go to my profile I don't see my question in the "MY Question" section. I will re-do my question and hope I do it correctly this time. I realize beggars can't be choosers, but I am really looking for some sincere help and not "dump him his a jerk" advice!

How do I break the cycle of my boyfriend always pulling away, ultimately breaking up and then returning to date again a few months later. I have dated a lot, this is the only guy, I have ever had so much in common with and such great conversation and interaction with. When things are good, this is the most amazing relationship I could have imagined. When things are not good, I wasn't aware someone could hurt you so much. He says the same things so I know this is not a false reading on our relationship on my part.

We are in our mid-30s. We have been dating on and off for the past 5 years. Every time we hit close to the 3/5 month point of dating, he becomes distant, pulls away, ultimately breaking up and then within 3 or 4 months returning to date again. Always promising to change when we get back together, but always breaking up because he says I am the one who needed to change. I am too observant for my own good and tend to notice the small things immediately and at times question them. If he could only help out by offering encouraging words when I am feeling things are not good between us it would be a huge help; instead he tells me it's a weakness and a turn off.

My question is how to break the cycle and change the pattern? This last time we got together I told him I wasn't willing to date unless he was seeing a therapist. (something he has promised to do many times in the past and never done) His first appointment is March 7, we have been back together since Jan 20th. However, he has already started pulling away. I do not think I am controlling, threatening or one to use ultimatum, I just couldn't go through this again with him so I felt counseling was my only/last hope and since he promised so many times in the past, this time happened or nothing.

If I try to touch on any subject involving our relationship, he immediately distants himself and then shuts down until we break up. Please help me with advice to change this behavior on both of our parts. Since I asked a question last week involving his new job where he travels every Mon-Friday he pulled away. As a result, when he calls at night I can tell he doesn't want to talk or interact with me. I don't want to play games and not answer the phone, I don't want to play games period. I just want some ideas on how to approach this so he can see I am not going to smother him, play stubborn games or put up with being treated like I don't matter. ( He has a mother who seems to live in the past - always reminiscing of when he was 7 years and younger. When he does not act the way she wants, she plays stubborn games)

In our relationship, if he is a jerk, he is usually man enough to apologize and I will tell him I didn't appreciate his behavior, but I forgive him. If I am a jerk, he accepts my apology, thinks it over for a day or two and then gets mad again and breaks up with me.

He is very intelligent and expects perfection from people, I hate to say, but other than relationships with girls - he typically performs close to perfection. He is very frustrated when others don't do things the way he wants or do not display the same pragmatic or intelligent ways he does.

I know he has no empathy what so ever and he cannot identify with what he dishes out until it's happening to him. (his recent work personality profile also stated he had no ability to empathize. Of course being a man, he did not believe me when I suggested he might be this way, he only believed it after a professional told him.)

For a change, I would like to say or do something that impacts him and grabs his attention. I don't want it to be more boring dialogue that annoys him, drives us both crazy and I don't want to play games with him.

I would appreciate any advice from a professional or someone who has corrected a similar problem.

Sincerely,

S

[Marriedguy]

Before I begin let me tell you I have a couple of post under my belt and enjoy reading everyone answers on AskMeHelpDesk and one thing I can tell you everyone here is honest, brutally honest. So if you can to this site thinking that users are only going to give you advice you want to hear then you are incorrect.

From what I gather from your post you boyfriend has commitment issues. He has to continue breaking up with you because he doesn't want to be commitment to you. When you mean distant do you mean he stop coming over and talking to you? If this is the case there is nothing you can do.

In the your own words you pointed our some of the worse qualities you can find in a human being yet you continue to want to be with him.

You can lead the horse to water but you can make him drink.

I can't give advise you on how you can force this man to change this is something he has to want to do. And if there was a way to force him why would you?