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    mafiaangel180's Avatar
    mafiaangel180 Posts: 629, Reputation: 103
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    #1

    Feb 27, 2008, 06:47 AM
    What should she do?
    Hi guys, I'm actually asking on behalf of my friend. She called me bawling her eyes out last night and told me that she's having problems with her husband of 7 months. (They've been together for 6 years though.)

    Jim has been having health problems lately. He recently found out he's a Type 2 Diabetic, plus he has to wear a mask when he sleeps due to sleep apnea. He's 29, and I guess he thinks he doesn't have long. So Maggie partly thinks that their problems might be stemming from that.

    I guess he's been acting weird for the past three weeks. Plus on top of his "weirdness" he added his ex-girlfriend to the top page of his MySpace. (I'm really sick of this site.) And I guess he has her number and what not. Jim was "joking" with Maggie's Uncle about "also having second doubts about getting married." Then, later he told her that he wanted to see his ex. Maggie asked if Jim still loved her. He said yes because there are different kinds of love. Maggie mentioned that how about both couples meet. (the ex is married) Jim wasn't down for that, he said Maggie couldn't be there. Though the ex's husband might be. (Doubtful.) In this same 3-week span, Jim also texted me -- his wife's closest friend -- and told me to COME OVER when Maggie was at work!! He jokes about crap, but I really didn't get the impression that he was joking this time. He also added some MySpace bulletin spam-thingie that asked for people to reply if they would ever consider him to be a " Buddy." This guy clearly has boundary issues. At any rate, Maggie and Jim had a fight. He stormed out and didn't come home until he knew she would be asleep four hours later. He wouldn't give her much information about his whereabouts. He wouldn't answer her phone calls. He said he was helping his 21-year-old punk friend with a relationship problem -- yet he was avoiding his own. He knew his wife was at home no doubt crying and struggling with issues. And he should have been there for his number one priority. When he got home, he put his gas mask on, during which he isn't able to talk. So she kept talking to him. She said, "If you love me, hold my hand." He didn't.

    This guy isn't a communicator. Obviously. She even told him that they need that in a marriage. His reply was: "Says who." Then he $hit in the toilet, didn't flush, and said, "There, I'm communicating." I highly doubt this type of guy would do marriage counseling. Even she said so. I do have to admit, she keeps him on a short leash. But it really doesn't stop him. He does what he wants and has an active social life. Though I've never been married, I've been through this. I would suggest that she leave. Though I didn't tell her that. I do realize that marriage is the ultimate sacrifice and that people should work on it. But it shouldn't just be her sacrifice and just her working on it. Seriously, what should this girl do? She has a guy on her hands that insists he hangs out with his ex, who he might love. He totally dissed his wife. And he won't talk to her. What can she do? Though he may or may not have cheated YET. I think he has it in him to cheat. He clearly has no boundaries. Can someone please give me some insight. I would really like to help her. She's NEVER been through a breakup. He was her first love.
    mafiaangel180's Avatar
    mafiaangel180 Posts: 629, Reputation: 103
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    #2

    Feb 27, 2008, 06:50 AM
    Oh, I would also like to add that Maggie asked him if he loved his ex like he loved her. He said he didn't know. Now, I'm unsure of whether he said this to pi$s her off or not. Either way... totally wrong!!
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #3

    Feb 27, 2008, 06:50 AM
    Was he like this before the news of the diabetes and the use of the CPAP machine at bedtime?
    mafiaangel180's Avatar
    mafiaangel180 Posts: 629, Reputation: 103
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    #4

    Feb 27, 2008, 07:31 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by shygrneyzs
    Was he like this before the news of the diabetes and the use of the CPAP machine at bedtime?
    He always took off with his friends. He even had female friends. I don't THINK it was a problem until after the health issues. But I can't really say for sure. His ex was the one who found him about 3 weeks ago. This is when the very passive Maggie started asking questions: "Do you love her like me." That sort of thing. I really couldn't say how long he's felt this way.

    I will tell you this, he would flirt and joke with me. She always thought he was joking. But something always told me he would cheat if he had the opportunity.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #5

    Feb 27, 2008, 10:58 AM
    If he is using a "CPAP" machine and sleep mask, then he will be fine. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea almost 25 years ago. I've gone through about 4 CPAPs.

    I trust them with my life. The last couple of times I've had pneumonia, which can be fatal for me, the Cpap machine kept the oxygen levels high enough that I did not have to be hospitalized.
    oneguyinohio's Avatar
    oneguyinohio Posts: 1,302, Reputation: 196
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    #6

    Feb 27, 2008, 11:11 AM
    To give the guy some benefit of the doubt... not sure that it is warranted... but anyway...

    Could be that he isn't getting enough oxygen to his brain. His blood sugar levels might also have something to do with the behaviors.

    Sounds like he might be p-off at the world and taking it out on her... Sounds like he is driving people away from him possibly out of his anger or depression. That might become a self fulfilling prephecy of sorts... if he treats people badly enough he can have his sob story of how no body loves him... etc.

    Mentally, I am getting the picture of an overweight guy that isn't doing much to improve his own health or life circumstances.

    If that continues, it might not be long before his wife gets to deal with his funeral. Hope he has insurance.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,107, Reputation: 10852
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    #7

    Feb 27, 2008, 12:24 PM
    No communications, no relationship, after 6 years, they should know that, and talk. Your friend is needy and insecure, tell her to leave bozo alone, and go about her business, as 1. let the emotional dust settle. And 2. give them both space to put things in a better perspective. His behavior is unacceptable, rude and highly disrespectful, and should not be tolerated, and if this is how he handles himself under pressure, lose this loser, no matter what his excuse is. Not all his fault though, as she has let him get away with much. That's what happens when you are afraid to love yourself, more than someone else. When you put yourself second, that's how you will be treated. TELL HER THAT.
    mafiaangel180's Avatar
    mafiaangel180 Posts: 629, Reputation: 103
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    #8

    Feb 28, 2008, 05:49 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    No communications, no relationship, after 6 years, they should know that, and talk. Your friend is needy and insecure, tell her to leave bozo alone, and go about her business, as 1. let the emotional dust settle. and 2. give them both space to put things in a better perspective. His behavior is unacceptable, rude and highly disrespectful, and should not be tolerated, and if this is how he handles himself under pressure, lose this loser, no matter what his excuse is. Not all his fault though, as she has let him get away with much. That's what happens when you are afraid to love yourself, more than someone else. When you put yourself second, that's how you will be treated. TELL HER THAT.
    To bad I have to spread the love!! (What's with that? )

    Anyway, I told her briefly your advice. I didn't really get a chance to really talk because I had a sore throat this morning.

    Here's a bit of an update. I was sitting at home last night minding my own business. And Jim sends me a text message. Apparently, Maggie told him that I knew he was talking to his ex girlfriend. (He doesn't know I'm asking for advice for her.) Why should even told him that I knew, I don't know. But seriously, I've known her for 25 years so no crap I would know. His text told me to "Eat $hit and mind my own business." I'm thinking..! His wife called me bawling. Not the other way around.

    Maggie called me this morning, and I told her that though I will support her, I no longer want anything to do with Jim. (He was a friend.) And I went on to tell her that I didn't like how he spoke to me, and I don't put up with people treating me that way.

    Here's something interesting... I asked her "Do you think that Jim would treat you this way had his ex started coming around BEFORE he got sick?"

    Her response? YES.

    And apparently, he said he is still going to see this girl.

    So there should be her answers to everything. Thanks everyone!

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