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Mom of 2 · Nov 20, 2008, 01:13 PM

Like I said, I will be with him and his kids on Thanksgiving at his parents. I just heard back from my sister-in-law (about an hour ago) that they are hosting Thanksgiving for my family on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. They've already met C, so she also made sure that I knew that he was invited as well.

What I just did was sent him an email about the plans for that Sunday with my family. I also mentioned in that email that if his kids are with him on that day, and IF he and his kids felt comfortable with it, that they are invited as well. I have a feeling that this might not be a comfortable situation for him and his kids, in that his kids would then be meeting my entire family, but I put it out there. I really did not want to email him about the plans, as I would rather talk to him about it, but on the flip side, I also wanted to give him some time and space to think about it without him feeling pressured to give me an immediate answer. I feel like I took the chicken way out, but like I said, his knee jerk reaction would probably be to say no, thinking that he would have to give me an answer right away. It is my hope that he will be able to think about it, talk to his kids about it and then come back to me with his answer.

All I can do now is just wait for his reply. If he does not respond to me via email, then I'm sure that we will be talking about it tonight when he calls.

Justwantfair · Nov 20, 2008, 01:31 PM

I am sorry what I meant is that you, him, and all of the kids get together and do something for the holidays... not necessarily with outside family members, I agree that would make the situation harder. It could be as simple as a local tree lighting, a thanksgiving/santa skate day, something not too long and maybe the kids can bond.

Mom of 2 · Nov 20, 2008, 01:49 PM

Then again, he had invited me and my kids over to his house over the summer for his daughter's 16th birthday party, in which his entire family was there (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc). The plans were all set for this to happen and then I fell and broke my knee a week prior to that!! Because of this, my kids were at their dad's for the week and I was staying at my friend's house (the one who is dating my boyfriend's brother). Therefore, the kids were not able to come with me, but I was able to get there because my friend was driving, etc. However, the only difference to this situation and Thanksgiving is that my boyfriend has an inground pool at his house and the kids would have been busy swimming and keeping busy with that. Also, it was on their turf and not someone else's. They could have retreated to their own rooms if they wanted to.

Well, I will just have to wait and see. I can't go back and change what I already did. I'm not going to worry about it (that's right Talaniman!! ). Just wait and see. It's not going to damage the relationship any. What it will do is bring the subject to the forefront. Maybe then I will feel more comfortable about bringing up the subject of the Christmas holidays and seeing what happens with that.

talaniman · Nov 20, 2008, 01:50 PM

You handled things well so far, and amazing when you relax, and just go with the flow, you have oppurtunities for discussion. See what he says and go from there.

Just to add communications is important, and paying attention to your partner is equally important. I always thought it best to just lay it out, and then judge, if it best to give them think time, or push for answers.

Be flexible with him though, as all things happen in their own time, for their own reasons. Keep hanging in there.

Mom of 2 · Nov 20, 2008, 01:58 PM

Thanks T. I will do just that.

Chery · Nov 20, 2008, 02:19 PM

Tal is right, you are doing just fine, honey.

It is hard for any couple with their own children to have everything wind up in sudden harmony, but I have a feeling that he is willing to achieve that with you and will support you.

And, as I said before, the kids will 'sniff each other out' and it might be a little bit strange for you, but they will eventually come to arrangements with each other. They already know for sure that their Mom and Dad like each other and if they start liking you, or him (depending on the kids) - things will be less stressful for you.

You've surely got my fingers crossed!

Hope it winds up being a super 'Turkey Day!'

Mom of 2 · Nov 20, 2008, 06:31 PM

Thanks, Chery!

So far, he has not responded to the email that I sent a couple of hours ago. I really was not expecting that he would respond right away, as that was part of the reason that I had sent him the email in the first place, so that he could think about it.

Most likely he will call me tonight and we can discuss it then. If he ends up not coming with me to my family's Thanksgiving, I have to at least be thankful that I was able to spend Thanksgiving day with him and that he asked me to spend Thanksgiving day with him. Everything in life is not perfect. You have to be happy that at least some things come out your way.

So, I will let you know what comes out of it as soon as I know myself. Most likely, he will say that he would like to go, but he will have to check to see what his kids are up to. Maybe they will be with their mom or something else.

Mom of 2 · Nov 20, 2008, 09:40 PM

As I expected, he called tonight. We talked about our usual stuff - how our day went, the kids, plans for this weekend, schedules, etc. I was waiting for him to bring up the subject about my email, but he didn't. When I heard his usual phrase that indicates the end of the conversation, I asked if he received my email about Thanksgiving and he said no. He told me that the server at work was on the fritz. Then he asked, "What about Thanksgiving? You're still coming, right?" I told him yes, but that the email was about MY family's Thanksgiving. I told him that it was on the Sunday after Thanksgiving and that I put all the details in there. He just said that he would read the email tomorrow and then let me know. I did not say anything about inviting his kids to it because I knew that he would be reading it tomorrow. So, I will just wait and see.

Justwantfair · Nov 20, 2008, 10:19 PM

Wow, you are patient, that is a good thing... :)

Mom of 2 · Nov 20, 2008, 10:43 PM

Yes, I am patient. Sometimes though I think it is more about fear. Maybe, maybe not.

Like I said, I'm not in any rush, although it WOULD make it a lot easier for all of us if we could get this part out of the way. In that way, we could spend more time with each other, we wouldn't have to check about what each of our kids are doing to see if we can get together. Everybody would be more comfortable.

But, I don't want either sets of kids to feel that they are forced to act like one wonderful family. Even if the kids were introduced, I would hope that he would understand (and I hope that I would also be able to understand) that we still need our individual time with our own kids. For instance, from what I get from my kids, my ex's girlfriend is ALWAYS over and my kids are getting sick of it. I think added to this is that whenever she is over, they seem to have one argument after another. It is to the point that my son would like for them to breakup. (By the way, I don't ask them questions, they always lay it out as soon as they get home from his place). Although C and I have not had any fights, we have had some differences of opinion. It is wonderful to know that we can discuss issues, something that I was not used to in my marriage (hence my ex always arguing with his current girlfriend). I also know that if we were together while the kids were present, we would be able to keep our mouths shut until a more appropriate time presented itself. Even if it is sitting in the car in the garage, at least the kids can't hear everything. Or how about going for a walk? It's one thing for kids to hear disagreements and healthy ways of dealing with opposing viewpoints, but entirely another when there is name calling, one person yelling at another to get a life, etc.

Okay, I got off on a tangent, but I'm not going to delete it because I think it says a lot about my personality, and what I had to deal with in the past - as the situation with his current girlfriend sounds very similar to what was happening in our marriage (at least now I know it wasn't just me! )

What I am trying to say is that I don't want my kids to get sick of him being around all of the time and I don't want his kids to get sick of me being around them all of the time. If the kids get along well and they enjoy spending time together, then great, it's a win/win scenario. But even then, we still need eachother's space.

So, I will just wait to hear from him tomorrow. I will of course post and let you know!!

Mom of 2 · Nov 21, 2008, 08:43 AM

Just got an email from him a few minutes ago that simply read "Got your message". Therefore, I know that he is thinking about it. That is a lot better than coming right out of the box and saying "No."

Again, wait and see. It's not like we are not going to be spending at least part of the holiday together. Besides, I have to look back a complete year, as I did not even know him a year ago. A lot has gone on this past year (It will be a complete year on Dec. 2 that we started dating)

Mom of 2 · Nov 21, 2008, 01:39 PM

He called me at noon today just to say hi and just to "hear your voice". It was a very short conversation, but it kind of surprised me when he called because he does not normally call me during the day. I did not bring the subject about Thanksgiving up, as I know he will tell me when he has an answer. I will be glad if he can make it, but I know that he has his reasons if he can't.

Chery · Nov 23, 2008, 01:32 PM

Your are doing it right honey. As you said, you didn't even know each other a year ago. And, you are not used to being able to talk civil about issues without an audience (your ex seems to need one). Take it slow, the kids don't like conflicts and when they see that there will be none with you two, they will feel more comfortable too.

Keep on going with your gut-feeling and give him the security that you will accept his decisions as well. After all, there will be more holidays if this lasts and we don't need to rush anything at all. Just enjoy the time you do have together and miss each other when it's not possible.

My daughter and her now hubby have been together with one break-up before my grandson was born, and he's 2 now. This year will be the first time that I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with them (long story) and it warms my heart. It took a lot out of me to not be pushy, but it paid off in the long-run.

So, I'm sure, that for you, this will also pay off.

Will be sending you good vibes and best wishes during both of these events, dear..

Give those kids of yours an extra hug for me too.

Mom of 2 · Nov 30, 2008, 01:08 AM

Thanksgiving went very well. Was kind of nervous, as my ex was two hours late in picking up the kids, but it was in time for me not to have to rush to get to C's house on time (per the divorce decree, this year the kids are with him on Thanksgiving and with me on Christmas).

When I finally arrived, C and I talked for a minute or two outside of his car. While we were talking, I did not notice right away that his son was waiting in the car. After a minute or two, his son tapped on his window and frantically waved at me. After waving back to him, I turned to C, and said, "Wow, I think he likes me." C then said, "Yeah, he really likes you".

The drive over to his mom's house was very comfortable. The three of us fell easily into a conversation that was not stilted in any way. His daughter was already at the house when we arrived, as she drove there earlier. Now that she has her license and her own car, she always wants to drive separately.

It is always uncomfortable when arriving somewhere you have never been before. However, that did not last very long.

Dinner of course was delicious. As with any family, there are always differences in how families do things. For instance, in my family, everyone brings their plate to the kitchen and helps to clear off the table without anyone being asked to do so. However, that is not so with C's family. When everyone was done, they got up and left the room. I just sat there for a second and then started to help his mom clear the table. Eventually, she just shagged me out of the kitchen. C later explained to me that this was just the way that his mom liked it and that was how he was raised. He also said that he was shocked that she allowed me in the kitchen to help her at all because that had never happened before. Needless to say, I guess I made a great impression.

The rest of the evening was very relaxed. His daughter left soon after dinner. Eventually, the rest of us went to the family room to watch TV. We left a few hours later.

There were a few "bonding" moments between C's son and I - i.e. giving him the sign to give C a wet willy instead of just trying to stick his finger in his ear (he gave a great big smile and then did just that), giving him ideas on how he could redecorate his room when the subject came up (I was surprised when he turned to his dad and said, "Dad, can I do that?")

Overall, it was a very, very good day.

talaniman · Nov 30, 2008, 06:50 AM

Sounds like your having fun getting to know everyone. That's the way its supposed to be. You go girl!

Mom of 2 · Dec 4, 2008, 10:45 PM

He's been traveling to Canada for his job since Tuesday and I miss him. It's funny because it's not like I would see him if he was home. I guess a part of me wishes that I could go with him sometimes. Maybe someday. I also realize when traveling for business it is not always fun, as I used to be in corporate America and did some traveling myself. It's not like I could go anyway because I have my kids.

Is this love? I think it is. Haven't said those words yet though, although I almost said them on Thanksgiving when we were alone. It almost slipped out when we were cuddling, but for some reason, I just held back. I know it is out of fear of not hearing those words come back after I say them. I know that if he did not say them, I would feel hurt. So, I guess it is avoidance.

He did say, "Happy Anniversary" on the 2nd. I'm trying not to read too much into that, but I was happy that he remembered. He said that it did not feel like a year and I had to agree with him.

It is amazing that so much has happened in this past year. Before I met him, I resigned myself into thinking that I would be alone for the rest of my life. I was somewhat sad about that, but I knew that if I dwelled on it, it would drive me into a severe depression and I could not do that to myself or my kids. I have grown so much since my divorce and I am proud of myself for so many things. My boyfriend does not make me who I am; I make me who I am. However, he seems to complete the circle of who I am (thank you Jerry McGuire - I just love that movie!! ). I cannot envision my life without him being part of it. We have a long road to go and so far, I am loving the journey.

friend4u178 · Dec 4, 2008, 10:48 PM

I really am happy for you Mom of 2 , you know this has really turned out to be a "feel good' thread :)

Mom of 2 · Dec 5, 2008, 10:13 AM

Thanks for the compliment, Friend4u178. I just find it very therapeutic for me in that it is almost like a journal for me. Also, if I can in someway help someone else out there who is going through the same things, then it is always a plus. It is always nice to know that you are not alone and that someone else is going through the same issues and that you are completely normal. Sorry that this thread may in some ways be boring, but I kind of like the fact that there is not so much drama. I'll leave that for the other threads that are out there!!

talaniman · Dec 5, 2008, 10:45 AM

posted 2/ 28 /08
The other posters are right, I think it takes more than 3 months, to know someone well enough, to know whether they are worth more from you. Enjoy the getting to know him, and his children, and see how you feel in a year. Then think long, and hard where you want it to go! There is no hurry, so you can be as cautious as you need to be. Go slowly and carefully,and have fun.

So seems your having fun, and going strong, and in light of the other sagas we get here, a really good, mature, feel good, story, is so refreshing to be a part of. Keep it going.

Mom of 2 · Dec 11, 2008, 01:26 AM

Okay, I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind. The job situation in this country is surely the pits. Although I still have a job, for which I am very thankful, I can't help but worry that it is at risk. I know, I know. Everyone is in the same boat (or at least most people). It can happen to anyone.

Anyway, enough of that. Just wanted to provide yet another update.

I had to work at my restaurant job all weekend (Fri and Sat). I always have Sundays off, which is nice. C called me around 1 p.m. after hungting with his brother, dad and son. He wanted me to come over to his place to run "errands". When I finally got over there, we got in the car and he asked me, "What do your kids want for Christmas". The subject of whether we were going to get eachother's kids anything has been on my mind, but I did not want to bring it up. I THINK that he was trying to ask me this several weeks ago when he asked me if I started Christmas shopping for my kids yet, or whether I was going to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I just kind of shrugged and said that I did not start, nor was I going out on that dreadful shopping day!!

I told him some things and he then said that he wanted to buy something for my kids and would be okay if he bought such and such. I was so happy because this means so much to me. I then told him what I was thinking about getting his kids and were they good ideas. He said yes. After the shopping, he asked if I was hungry, and without hesitation or thought, I asked if his son had dinner yet (he was home alone at the time) and that we should do something with him, as it would be rude to go and eat somewhere while he was hungry at home. He just looked at me and smiled, said, "You're right" and proceeded to call his son. We had a nice dinner at his house and then watched some TV before I left for home. Okay, nothing too exciting, but I thought it was a very nice evening anyway.

He had to travel to Mexico until Friday, so I have not been able to talk to him today. I talked to him yesterday before he had to board the plane. Even though we saw each other on Sunday, I still miss him so much. I always look forward to the phone calls every night because I can't wait to tell him how my day was and to ask about his. Believe me, I can function without him, but it is so nice just to hear his voice.

That's it for now.