[new2this]

I stumbled across this site by googling a question my wife asked me: "Do you think that you could ever be loyal enough to think that my body is the best?" This led me to the "my husband had a crush" post and now this:

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. I love her very much and find her very attractive. I made the mistake early on in our relationship of talking about former girlfriends including what they looked like. This led to more discussions and fights about who I was attracted to and who looks better than who and so on.

She is deeply hurt by the fact that I would say someone else has a better body than her. I say it as "yeah she does... so what?" This doesn't make a bit of difference to me, but she can hardly live with it. I would gladly change into a person who thinks she is the best looking woman in the world if I could. We have many arguments about societies standards about women's bodies. We both believe that women should not be judged by their bodies, but I guess that's exactly what I am doing. I've also told her that a relationship is about "the whole package, not just looks" which made her feel even worse. As if I was saying "you're ugly, but your sense of humor makes up for it". I never meant that. If I wasn't attracted to her in the first place, I wouldn't have asked her to marry me.

Her trust in me has been shattered by my trying to expain this in every way possibe. In doing so, I've contradicted myself plenty of times. This issue seems to overshadow our lives and may bring us down if we can't find a middle ground. If I could find a way to never find anyone as physically attractive as her ever again, I would do it. It seems to her as if I'm fighting to keep the right to look at other women and find them attractive. I'm not. I don't care about other women and feel like I'm pretty loyal.

I'm getting fairly confused about all of this and wonder what some of you might have to say? Any Ideas on how to get our trust and intimacy back?

Thanks,
New 2 This

[breezo]

I'm just a regular guy who has been been married 13 years. All I can say is don't ever fall into that trap again. From now on, focus on your attraction to her and don't have conversations about who you think has a nice anything. Just keep telling her all the things you like about her. Don't compare anymore. She will come around. Stay with it. Hugs, kisses, lots of touching like when you dated. Make a believer out of her. It isn't easy but worth the effort. Good luck

[George_1950]

You are either a glutton for punishment or a smart a$$. Welcome to AMHD.

[Fr_Chuck]

George, Disco Jesus was a troll, all of his/her posts have been deleted, so your post may not make as much sense at this point.

But all you can do is move on, and try not to dwell in the past and don't do anything so stupid again.

[Marriedguy]

Lol... you have to learn how to avoid answer stupid questions like that. But since you answered it you have to do damage control. If it ever comes up again.. tell that there are many more attactive then her.. this will shock her. You can't break peddle. Then you tell her you didn't marriage because she is beautiful you married her because _______ and her be beautiful was just icying on the cake. Beauty fades but your love for her is forever.

Tell her that you plan on loving her when she only has one real tooth in her mouth.

[donf]

The next time the discussion comes up, and I'm sure it will, ask your lady, why it matters so much to her? Remind her that above any others it was her that you chose to be with for the rest of your life.

She, at least I hope, wasn't chosen simply because of her body but because of the total package the she is made of.

The very best thing to start doing in to re-enforce the here and now. What is going on with her that's causing her to worry about your fidelity. That's the thing or things you have to work on.

I still remember when we were a little over 25. We were married seven years by then and our son was three. We were at our apartment's pool and this young lady dressed only in a small white two piece and a tan strolled by.

I followed every motion I could find as she walked by and I'm pretty sure my wife picked up on it since she is actually quite intelligent. She probably saw the slack jawed and tongue flat on the ground and figured I was deep into a delusional day dream. She tapped me on the shoulder and asked me what I was looking at. Without thinking, I pointed and said, "Her." I have never made that mistake again!

I now fully know there are some questions its best not to answer. Comparing one lady to another is always going to dig you a very deep hole to fall into.

[mafiaangel180]

Your woman has some issues going on with herself. (self-esteem, jealousy, whatever) It's unfair that she asks you these questions. But seriously, don't feed into it. If she asks if another girl has a better body, instead of saying "yeah she does, so what?" Which is really harsh by the way. Say... "It hurts that you would ask me that. I don't ask you to compare me with someone else. I married you because you are the entire package: beautiful, smart, and just an over-all great woman. So please don't ask me to dignify that with a respose because I only have eyes for you." Something along those lines.

[pennygirl]

I've dated a lot of men... NOT like that.. just got exposed to a lot of different types of people before I met my husband
Saying that.. I've never been with a guy that is such an oogaler... early on when we were dating I got to where I didn't even want to go out with him.. it was funner going by myself then trying to have a romantic date with someone that followed the waitress with his eyes..
If they were under 30, not overweight, and had some interesting feature he couldn't stop staring.. wed have serious conversations and he'd stop midsentence to watch some woman on TV.. stuff like that..
Well of course I talked to him about it and things really seemed to change... now that we are married its happening again but communication isn't there so I can't talk to him about it
I am going somewhere with this
So the most recent thing was him getting all giddy about a coworker.. he wanted me him and her to go out because she was in town for something and he wanted to do something special. This conversation came up on valentines day of all days.. when I said id rather not he was like why are you always like this with other attractive women
So I asked him.. something I should have asked him early on...
Do you find others attractive in the same way you do me.. basically are all the women in the world including me attractive to you in the same way.. am I not special but just another attractive woman.. the one you happened to say vows to ?
And he just stared at me and said yes.. I find a lot of other women very attractive.. in the same way I am to you.. nothing about but he finds me attractive in a different way.. anyway.. it really put a riff in things.. the whole point of dating and stuff is that special feeling you get.. when you find out you are no more attractive than other people but you just happened to be the one willing to date and marry him.. it kindof takes that specialness away
NOWWWW... so could I get over this? YES.. easily.. if he made me feel special. He does so many other things that shut me out and I only get compliments when he gives me a birthday card that says it on the card..
He said something hurtful like you did.. but if you give genuine affection and attention to your wife.. and show you really feel how you say.. that has to do something to her..
Just don't do what my husband does and if there is someone that is semi attractive don't put your head down... or all of the sudden get all touchy feely
We were at a show once and he was overly giddy and touch feely to me and I looked at him and was like you're a frisky little thing tonight. I actually liked it.. THEN saw him looking at the girl that was sitting next to me that I didn't even notice.. she was wearing her jeans down where when she sat down you could see her thong.. so he was sitting a little behind me and getting all touchy on my while watching her..
See that stuff don't do
If you aren't into your wife that much don't pretend.. if you are just try to show it.. she is lucky to have someone that actually cares about this and doesn't blow it off like god I have one of those nagging wives.. I'm a man gosh darnit..