[CONGUITO]

:( The relationship wit my husband after 12 years of marriage and 3 kids, has been distant off and on. I am a very expressive person and he is very closed within himself.

Three days ago my husband told me that 4 years ago, when our relation was going through difficult times, he had a romance with someone, who called him a few months ago to tell him that he has a 4 yr old daughter. He says he had to tell me because he cannot carry on living like this. There were no scenes when he told me, I just felt betrayed, lied to... etc.
He says that I do not deserve what he has done to me and the little love that he has shown me throughout the years.
Now he says he needs to take a decision ,he is with her and with me. I try to ask him about details ,but he is not able to speak. Today for the first time have seen him bitterly crying.
I have told him that I will support him and try to help him, but that I do not know if I will be able to live a normal life with him, if he decides to stay with us.
I do not even know what I feel ! I ow I understand so many things... I feel so sorry for him!
Please I need to hear what you think.
Thank you!

[FallenFromGrace]

Ugg.

I think you may need to figure out if you really want him to stay with you and then you have to think about the complications that it may cause in your life. You may need to let him know that you need time to think all of this over because YOU need to make a decision too. Not just him. It sounds like this marriage has always been lacking for you. I know the fact you have children together makes the decision more difficult. I don't know if the following was the right approach but it did work for me: When I made the decision to divorce my husband, as he was cheating on me, I thought about the effects the divorce would have on our daughter. Then, I thought about the effects NOT having a divorce would have on my daughter. I didn't want her to think that the type of relationship that I shared with her father was something she should aspire. I didn't want for her to think it was "normal" for a husband to be out of the home, never saying he loved "mommy", etc. Your children are going to eventually find out about the wedlock baby, so they are going to realize what happened. It doesn't help that your husband sounds like he has always been a bit "hands off" with you. Maybe it's time to starting living for yourself (and of course your babies) a little and not always working so hard to keep a marriage together that quite frankly doesn't sound rewarding.

[talaniman]

I think your marriage has many problems, that needs to be addressed, and you both should get some guidance, as to how to do it. Obviously neither of you have those kinds of communication, or coping skills, but that's the only way to survive all this. Betting this latest revalations is only the latest in a long line.

[Fr_Chuck]

Merely going though a hard time is no excuse, but again this was 4 years ago. It sounds like he is trying to be honest and talk to you about these things,

Marriage couselor would be a good thing.

[CONGUITO]

Thank u all for your advises. I very much appreciate it !