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sgillen · Feb 20, 2008, 06:56 AM

My spouse and I have been together for a year and during this time my 11year old daughter has tried everything to make this as unpleasurable as she can. She wines, is disobedient and causes arguments so bad that the possibility of breaking up arises. We love each other very much. And I love my daughter very much. How do I help them become closer and improve our family. :confused:

susangpyp · Feb 20, 2008, 07:02 AM

It's tough to answer this without knowing more. Can you say more about this?

It helps to have boundaries with both of them. An 11 year old really can't cause arguments. Is your spouse acting like a child as well? Your spouse needs to be a partner. If your spouse is objecting because she is out of control, maybe you can work together to regain control. You need to be a parent to her first and let her know that you are the parent.

Put boundaries and limits into place with your daughter. Refuse to argue about her with your spouse. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Can you elaborate more about what is going on?

sgillen · Feb 20, 2008, 08:19 AM

Originally Posted by susangpyp

It's tough to answer this without knowing more. Can you say more about this?

It helps to have boundaries with both of them. An 11 year old really can't cause arguments. Is your spouse acting like a child as well? Your spouse needs to be a partner. If your spouse is objecting because she is out of control, maybe you can work together to regain control. You need to be a parent to her first and let her know that you are the parent.

Put boundaries and limits into place with your daughter. Refuse to argue about her with your spouse. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Can you elaborate more about what is going on?

Well the problems come from a lot of incidents. At time my spouse provokes the situations because he feels he is right and she is wrong. There are many boundries for her. A lot of rules from him. Which I do agree with. I was a single parent for a long time and I am only 29yrs old. So bringing her up has been hard but I think I did a good job. When we are out she is exceptional. But at home all hell breaks loose at times.
Also my spouse has a son he is 7yrs old. Which I think he babies him but I stay out of it so that conflict will not arise. Although I do offer my advice for him.
My daughter just finds anyway to complain or blow a situation into a great big deal and I find myself in the middle or defending her. Screaming slamming doors and fits are a regular thing at our home. I really don't know what to do.

simoneaugie · Feb 20, 2008, 10:56 PM

You and your spouse are her parents. The two of you need to set up rules of conduct for the household. If the rules are broken, there are consequences. The parents need to discuss and agree on the rules and consequenses before presenting a calm united front to the child. The same goes for his little one. Talk, agree, agree to disagree, do whatever it takes, but present a united front. Both of the children are 'working' you.

sgillen · Feb 21, 2008, 11:05 AM

Thank you for your advice. We do always stick together my spouse and I. We try to not argue in front of the kids. And discuse things later. I think that if we set up some house rules for all this may help some.

susangpyp · Feb 22, 2008, 06:57 AM

Originally Posted by sgillen

Thank you for your advice. We do always stick together my spouse and I. We try to not argue in front of the kids. And discuse things later. I think that if we set up some house rules for all this may help some.

House Rules are important. When my kids were growing up, we had them posted. We also let them know the consequences of an infraction was.

I used the book Systematic Training for Effective Parenting which talks about logical and natural consequences. It was GREAT. I recommend it to anyone struggling with parenting issues.

GOOD LUCK!

lrieken · Feb 22, 2008, 01:13 PM

I agree with susangpyp. Consistency and boundaries are the key. I, too, am in a relationship where my daughter has attempted to disgruntle and separate us. Standing united, is the winning ticket. We married when my dauther was 8, she is now almost 18. The teen years are absolutely the most trying but then they are with any child/parent relationship. My daugther has tried EVERYTHING to create chaos and upheaval. I, too, was in a single parent situation prior to this marriage. She was not used to direction from anyone besides me and that was a big issue. Also, our ideas of discipline were different. It has taken a lot of work between he and I to compromise and decide how we can best blend our techniques. Keep working at it. It sounds like your husband is willing to work with you.. that is a great thing!

Annonimus · Aug 29, 2009, 06:35 PM

Well I'm only fourteen years old and I know if my mum got with another man I wouldn't like it. Maybe you should sit down with her and talk to her? Ask her how she feels and not how you feel. You may love this man but remember, a love for a daughter is stronger than a love for a man. :)

Hope I've helped