Check out some similar questions!

20fan · Feb 9, 2008, 06:44 PM

My boyfriend is 27 years old. He and I have a 28 week old daughter together. He lives at home with his parents and I have my own apartment.When we told his family I was pregnant his mom got all bent at me like it was all my fault. Things have been tense between his family and I since then. After we found out I was pregnant he started spending more time with the guys and at the bar. When I confronted him on it he told me he was just getting it out of his system before the baby was born because as soon as the baby got here he wanted to spend all his time with me and the baby. I accepted that and let it go. When the baby came he still ended up spending 3 to 4 nights at the bar and out with the guys. I have asked him to stop and grow up and be responsible and he said he will but now his family has told him to break up with me because I am trying to manipulate and control him. I am not trying to do either. I just want him to grow up and take care of his responsibilities. He has another daughter with his exwife that he pays support on but he has never contributed financially to our daughters support. His parents have said not only to me but to other people that he doesn't have to pay support because he spends time with our daughter and watches her while I am at work at night. He tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me but he says right now he thinks we should be apart till things cool down with his family. I don't understand how a man his age can choose their family over someone they claim to love and their own daughter. Can anyone tell me how this is possible and what I should do.

Cheshire2008 · Feb 9, 2008, 06:51 PM

No man who loves you and cares for you would treat you this way.
There is an expression
The man who deserves your tears would never make you cry...

I suggest you go see a lawyer to get support for your child
He has made his choice I just don't think you want to face it.Get real with yourself
Consider it that he did you a favor by making himself easy to dump.
Move on... sorry this is a sad fact

Do you really want this man as a huband?? If your answer is yes ask yourself why??
You have better things to do and your are so much better then that

Chameleon · Feb 9, 2008, 06:56 PM

So, just because he spends time with his kid, he doesn't have to help provide for her? So what if he watches her at night, SHE'S HIS CHILD! He needs to grow up, be a man, take responsibility.

Chameleon · Feb 9, 2008, 07:05 PM

Originally Posted by Chameleon

So, just because he spends time with his kid, he doesn't have to help provide for her? So what if he watches her at night, SHE'S HIS CHILD! He needs to grow up, be a man, take responsibility.

I forgot some things. You need to look into getting child support, possibly sole custody(since he doesn't seem all that interested in his baby), and ditching him. If he allows his family to make his decisions for him regarding his child, then you don't need him. He sounds immature. Many hugs to you and baby:)

wewed100606 · Feb 9, 2008, 07:13 PM

I just want to clarify something quick... not trying to be nit-picky, but you say he spends 3-4 nights a week at the bar or with the guys, and that you want him to grow-up and take care of his responsibilities, but then the next sentence you say that he cares for your daughter while you are at work during the evening.

I guess I want to know how much time he is spending with her and what he IS contributing to her life as it sems there is somewhat of an effort. Could you clarify for me?

20fan · Feb 9, 2008, 07:20 PM

He picks her up around 5pm from the sitter and watches her till I get home at 9pm 3 nights a week. He has not contributed financially at all. He doesn't go to doctors visits, doesn't help with copays, doesn't buy or help pay for her food, formula, or diapers or clothing. She lives with me full time. Hope this helps clarify things.

pasiria · Feb 9, 2008, 07:44 PM

Your own words should help you come to a decision, you said, "He has not contributed financially at all. He doesn't go to doctors visits, doesn't help with copays, doesn't buy or help pay for her food, formula, or diapers or clothing." You know he is not responsible. I believe deep down inside you were wishing that he would stop going to the bars as soon as he saw that baby's smile and those twinkling eyes. A baby is a miracle and can change a person. YOu were hoping that the love of a child would bring out the good in his heart. He has proved you wrong. He says he loves you. All human being, including murders' have the capacity to love. Love here is out of the question. Does he love you enough to be responsible. The answer is no and you know it. It's just so hard to accept. It is hard to accept that you will be alone. You will not be alone for long. You may never be alone, maybe lonely. But, I'm sure another man will appreciate your qualities. You are an independent women that holds a job. Now you have a gift from God, which many women have prayed for with out answer. Write your thoughts and it should help you contemplate your feelings. By writing to us, you have taken your first step and it shows that you are aware of the problem. Don't force him to be with you. Do ask him for child support. He is obliged by law. I don't want to stereotype or single out anyone in particular, but if at 28 someone lives with his parents, that tell me something. I would't have dated this man in the first place. Think about it, it is part your fault. Like someone advised you above (cheshire), you have better things to do.

talaniman · Feb 9, 2008, 07:58 PM

He lives with his family, and for whatever reason, is catching heck from both sides. That will not change until he makes a decision for himself. (He already has failed at the marriage thing, HHMMM so cut the guy slack he is trying.) But you do need court ordered child support, just in case, its your child's right. I think in your circumstance, the two of you just need to work together, with out the pressure of anything, but care for the child. As you learn to better work together my thought is you will be better able to deal with the other issues you face. Be patient with this guy, he has a load and a half on his plate, and needs time, to get into this mess he helped create, and deal with his issues. Geez, ladies, he has two families to take care of, and one that he depends on, that is constantly in his ear, telling him what to do. Little wonder he goes to the bar every night. Its not easy, but patients, and a cool head, will be what you need right now.

happyeverafter · Feb 9, 2008, 08:15 PM

What was the reason his first marriage failed? Did it involve his family at all? Did he try to make that relationship work or does he have a pattern of walking away when things get a little tough? You should make a list of pros and cons and see where everything falls. When you do do this it may make you see that both you and your daughter are much better off with out him. Especially if every time things get rough he runs!

Cheshire2008 · Feb 9, 2008, 08:20 PM

HHMMM so cut the guy slack he is trying

You want us to feel sorry for him when he had time to spend and do the wild thing with her. But contributes a few hours a day to his 3 month old infant. He has history and knows better and has gone out and does the same again with another woman
But now has time to go out and party 3 nights a week
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
This man is not a 6 shooter he is a repeater!

Chameleon · Feb 9, 2008, 08:32 PM

My husband was 20 when his daughter was born and he took responsibility. Seems to me a 28 year old should be able to do the same.

happyeverafter · Feb 9, 2008, 09:02 PM

I agree with Chameleon. Why at 28 is he not taking responsibility? Why is he living with his parents? Does he work? What makes his exwife and other daughter more important than you and your daughter? What kind of parents/grand parents would not want their child to support their grandchild? I have always been taught to be responsible and work through problems not run away from them!

pasiria · Feb 9, 2008, 09:09 PM

Cut the guy some slack!! The mother is left alone with the expense of 11,000 minimum in child expenses. But, since he has another child and is really stressed out, he should relax at the bar. His daughter will know what kind of father he was in due time. My father paid for 4 of us. That is called RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS, he should have used a CONDOM, which would have cost him way less if he wasn't prepared. He should contribute for his daughter's expenses. I don't think it's fair that she's left alone to buy furnishings, food, medical bills. Maybe he should save the money he spends at the bar. But, he's trying! Oh trying!! I admit I said it's part her fault. I wouldn't have ever dated a man who lives with mom and dad. That is totally my personal choice. The man I'm about to marry is very responsible (I don't have to work). You can wait for Mr. Right, but in the meantime have fun with Mr. Wrongs... with a condom! I believe you don't plan babies until you have an education and until you can take full responsibility if you're left out as a single parent. The lady in this bad situation claims to have her own apartment and a job. Maybe she was ready all along. The guy can relax for as long as he wants, but I'm sure that his daughter will someday find out he didn't help her mom with vital expenses. I'm sure this lady can find someone to pamper her and her baby.

talaniman · Feb 9, 2008, 09:33 PM

I'm sure this lady can find someone to pamper her and her baby.

That's not the issue. Not to put her down, but the focus, no matter what, is providing for the child she has, who deserves all the love she can give. He was her choice, they have a baby. Sooner or later, they will have to deal with this situation on an adult level. I don't care who spends what, as long as it gets done. I can't explain why I think going slow, and building a dialogue between the two is the way to go. But I think it's the only way at this time. Yeah, be great if he manned up, but he hasn't, at least, not enough, I agree. The last thing I would suggest, given the choices she has already made, is find another man, not now any way. I think she is dealing in a responsible way, and only needs time, and a little more support from DAD, I think she will get it, slowly. Hey don't shoot me, for hoping for the best for them both!!

wewed100606 · Feb 10, 2008, 05:05 AM

I think it would be best for you to go through the court system and get child support set. That is for you daughter. Maybe having to be obligated financially will help turn him around. It will limit the amount he can spend at the bar :-) Maybe the whole court process will help him realize what is going on. I have a feeling the guy is just kind of floating through life waiting tobe forced to do something. Get the support ordered and see what happens. If you end up together you can always forgive the support order. Give it a whirl... what's the worst that could happen?