[luv2teach]

Back ground info:
he(32) is 8 years older than I(24), he was married for 8months to the date 9 years ago. We been together 6 months, I care about him, we have been very happy a few ups and downs but we have grown stronger because of it. He is very focused individual, intelligent, has an ego bigger than him, strong love for his friends and family which I value. Will graduate in may and looking toward law school in the fall(fingers crossed) I will grad in dec with an education degree. He has always stated that he is happy , "in it to win it", doesn't want to lose me, give him time in the funks(these are things that I have heard constantly until 2 weeks ago

OK the real part...
he goes through these funks(I call depression spells) out of no where he says he doesn't know what to do, he isn't happy(with everything in general) his heart is with me but he is fighting his head who says run away... He says that he doesn't have time for this(cop-out)
I asked him the otherday where do we stand "i dont know" was the response... so what do you think what should I do... anything please help... I want us to work out... I want to show him that it is OK to be afraid, and that you have to face your fears... I am not a needy person...

[EuRa]

A little more information is needed. He was married you said. Who ended it and why? When did they separate and when was the divorce final? How did you meet him and when did you start dating? Does he have kids from his previous relationship?

I can tell you now that at 32, catching a young girl at 24 is a "prize". This may not mean anything, it may mean everything. At the moment, I happen to think that his marriage failed, and since he has this "in it to win it" attitude, he went and found you, a nice young pretty girl who is probably much younger than his ex-wife, to make himself feel better. To make him feel like he didn't lose.

"My marriage may have failed, but I went out and got a younger prettier version! I still win!"

See what I mean! He wouldn't have done this on purpose though, it's more of a subconscious thing.

It could be the case, it might not. It's hard to tell purely based on the information you gave.

He also might have his priorities mixed up. He might value success more than happiness, and his idea of success might be very different from other people's definition, which could be blinding him, and therefore giving him this unhappy feeling. There's a lot going on here, more information is needed.

Also, "hi" from a fellow teacher! :)

[talaniman]

I think he may be waving a red flag that you need to pay attention to. This may be a preview of what its like to be involved with him, and his "depression swings". Do not ignore it. Don't let love blind you to this, as it could well be why he is divorced. Find out the truth, and if he wants help, he will get it, before it goes further and you invest anymore emotionally.

[luv2teach]

Hey more info to provide. He was 23... about 99-00 was the marriage no children.. in it to win it was what he said about us.. he said that he was seriuos about the relationship... another addition he said that we not compatible because I can not speak fluently in history and in politics.. I enjoy the discussions but I am curious and always willing to learn.. he said that if we were to split it would be a sit down talk and face to face.. we have had the talk but he told them that it was just talking... he told me Monday he doesn't know what we are.. we both are very busy, as anyone else is in the world

[vtram7]

Sounds like some manic or bi polar. Does he have these ups and downs often?

[EuRa]

You still didn't tell me anything I didn't already know:

Who ended it and why? When did they separate and when was the divorce final? How did you meet him and when did you start dating? Does he have kids from his previous relationship?

You told me the age he was when he got married and during what year, but I already knew that (you said 9 years ago in your original question). You didn't answer any of the questions at all.

BTW, you said his ego was bigger than he is. He also had a complaint that you didn't speak fluetly in politics and history. What kind of a non-compatability is that? To me, that's part of a bigger issue... perhaps intellect? The differences between 32 and 24 are vast. He probably realizes this, I don't think you do.

I could tell you a lot more if you provide answers to the questions I originally asked.

[luv2teach]

I am aware of the vastness of the age difference...
My interst is art art history, world cultures, teaching
His ex filed.. he said that it just got to a point where he just wasn't happy.. and she wasn't either.. he stated (to her) "if you want the divorce then you can pay for" it they had been together for 3 years mostly long distance due to the fact he enjoyed partying more thatn reality. I do not know when the divorce was finialized but I do know that she is remarried.

We met this summer in a sociology class. And we just started talking and walking to our next classes together nothing really but in August he asked me if I would like to go to dinner with him and we started slow and happy.. our families are similar... both only children we bothe live with our grandmothers... taking care of them mainly. Religion-i'm catholic he is epicapalian... we both love to fish and cook

There was another girl about 4 years ago... lasted 3 months lived together, he wasn't in school.. but doing electrical work for the gov. so he was always moving.. it got to the point where the girl was tired of not being able to actually have a job or keep friends long because of his work. They were to move to Bato Rouge,LA and she was home sick. He bought her a grey hound ticket home... then over the phone they argued about the fact that she wanted to be with him but couldn't take the constant moving... needless to say it ended

[luv2teach]

About every 3 months he goes through the funk, e says he hates his mind... he has a better than you complex... between the time of divorce and the time he started working for gov. he was doing every drug possible mainly coke... that is how he faced or handled his depression over the divorce

[talaniman]

Does he have friends, or a social life of his own?

[EuRa]

i am aware of the vastness of the age difference

Are you really? Communication is a big part of a relationship, and someone who is 32 and has a lot of life experiences (moving around, marriage, drugs, etc) vs someone who is 24 with a lot less life experiences, usually have a hard time communicating.

But I don't think the age difference is a big deal as I originally thought it was, based on your answers. I do think it's one of the problems, but not something that can't be over-come, and not the major factor here.

You speak of this ego/better than you complex, or as people call it when they refer to me the "God Complex". I used to feel that way all the time. I still do feel that way sometimes but not nearly like I used to. I had to learn to be humble and accept my short comings. He might need to do the same. I'm not sure he'll be able to realize this being in a relationship. I didn't realize this until after one had ended, and quite frankly that wasn't too long ago.

With the complex, I thought I was smarter than everybody else, I made better decisions than everybody else, I was never wrong, I wouldn't have to yell but I would be so smug about myself that it would irrirate other people, etc. Does this sound like that guy at all?

[luv2teach]

Even better question... yes he does a whole slew of them I enjoy all of them , they are all married good careers and children... he has been helping one of his friends who baught a 118 yearold house, remodle it.. he and 2 of his friends are not married.. 1 in memphis who is vp of a bank, and single, very smart and sweet... the other in LA as manager of a dillards who just went through his own break up... this the guy when charles wanted to take me to meet him in oct.. He through a fit because it was his time and didn't want me around.. charles with 2 days of leaving cancled our plans and went down to him... I toughed it out

[BMI]

I think all this stuff surfacing after 6 months is definitely a cause for concern.

The inflated ego coupled with the depression indicates its anything but high self-esteem, that's worrisome for future considerations. I know you mentioned his compatibility issues were a cop-out and I couldn't agree more on that point. I cannot imagine a person seriously or honestly distancing themselves from someone they care about because you are not well educated in what field of study they enjoy, that's a load of b.s and offensive if you ask me. I've yet to meet a girl that could tell me how many rebounds KG averages a night and we've gotten along just fine (lol.. I'll bet a lot of ladies are saying who the heck is KG?? )

It seems that he is a very confused person and his background would support that. Like Tala said, love and all that jazz may only mask these problems until reality sinks in. I'd tell him your concerns and really try to work through them now before it gets worse. To be quite honest, I'd let this go unless you really do love him to death. At 24, you havealot of people to meet and thisguy sitting around wondering whether he likes you enough is kind of a slap in your face, make the decision before he wastes more of your time and leaves you a little older and a lot more jaded. Of course this advice is based on how I seeit, I cannot possibly tell you to leave if indeed you want this to work, if that be thecase than try to work it out. Although it does sound as if you could find someone much more "interested" in you.

Oh, I do agree with you being a "trophy" for him, at 32 a 24 year old would be something a guy would feel good about.

[luv2teach]

"24 with a lot less life experiences, usually have a hard time communicating" I have been through a lot in my life more than I probably should. I do not act my age, I am pretty mature and goal orientated.. If age is an issu he should have thought about that before he started this relationship and please that isa pathetic excuse... yes he has 8 years on me. OK I give him that but he has stayed constant... he is a runner... and unwilling to face the music... he had his ego handed to him and I just smiled (to myself) he took the Last studied hard... wanted to go to DUKE, VANDERBILT... the type who walks into the room and looks at other students and thinks"LOSER" (when in reality he is, 32 in college living with parents and grandmother) He received a 155 on a silver platter that is border line wait listing score at ole miss law

[EuRa]

The inflated ego coupled with the depression indicates its anything but high self-esteem.

I'm disagreeing because I've been in this guys shoes (only in this reguard). I had this "I'm better than everybody on the planet" attitude, and I was diagnosed with depression, taking 37.5 mg of Paxil a day. One doctor even said I should be taking closer to 75, yikes! Depression and huge ego actually went hand in hand.

Other than that, I agree with everything you mentioned.

[luv2teach]

Final question with this issue...
Should I play this game and be patient and see where it goes or cut my loses... I was engaged 3 years ago to an older guy by 4 years... and at times I think the 2 are brothers... and because of what I went through with him I have learned a lot about myself and about charles... I don't know if this is over or not, I guess I just want a solid answer from him but I don't want to nag it out of him.. currently I have just been doing my thing, but in the back of my mind this stirs

[talaniman]

Now that last post speaks volumes as I was wondering why a 32 year old would even be in college. I still think caution should be your keyword, as he has personal issues to deal with, and you have no experiences to help him. Its up to him to find a professional, and help himself.