[muslimwomen]

If second marriages are allowed in islam, then what about the emotional torture that a women goes through if her husband gets a 2nd marriage? Isn't that something that should be looked after in islam. I'm a practising muislim women but I don't understand this matter.I know a women should be patient and that it is something that is done to help women in whole... ect but so many heart are broken and families destroyed.. can you please answer me.

[farid_47]

In our country the men can get married for second time just if their first wife be agreed.and women's have a lot of way for blocking their husbands from this work such as dowry.I hope my answer can help you and excuse me from probale grammatically wrongs.

[firmbeliever]

Assalaam alaikum sister,

I am not sure if you know the site , I have included in my answer in case you would like to read up on the rulings regarding second wife.
http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?cref=355&ln=eng

Here is an interesting article written by a muslima co-wife.
http://www.themodernreligion.com/women/w_polynever.htm

I found these an interesting read too.
http://www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/B...I/polygamy.htm
http://www.islamfortoday.com/prenuptial.htm



Not all of us are strong enough to cope being a second wife or being the first wife and to allow our husbands to have a second wife.
And the first wife has the choice of filing for divorce if she thinks she cannot live as a co-wife.

Personally, IF and when the time comes for such a decision I have decided that Insha Allah I will accept my husbands decision.
And no my husband has never even talked about another wife or the choice he has on this topic.It has never come up except in conversation regarding religious practices.

I do personally know a sister who is a first wife and chose to stay when her husband decided to marry a second wife.Masha Allah she is a strong muslima, I know it must be so hard to live daily life like that, but she has chosen to accept. Both wives know each other and meet now and then. The children of the first wife know their stepmother quite well and accept her(this could be due to the reaction of their mother as accepting of their stepmom).

I think it helps the first wife does not ask personal questions in regard to the life of the second wife and the husband.This first wife is happy that she is with the man she loves even if it means sharing.
As I believe she believes too that it is better that our husbands have a second wife who is legally bound to be well treated than our husbands cheating with another woman or women.

You might also like to read this thread on the same topic..
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/islam/...tml#post783782

As there are only a few muslim sisters on AskMeHelpDesk I would also like to suggest trying this site if you wish to ask other muslim sisters who are co-wifes on how they cope..
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25607

in our country the men can get married for second time just if their first wife be agreed.and womens have a lot of way for blocking their husbands from this work such as dowry.I hope my answer can help you and excuse me from probale gramatically wrongs.

Could you explain how is it possible to stop a husband from marrying again through dowry?

Wa alaikum salaam

[kiki_doki]

Salaam,
From my understanding husbands need to have their first wives agreement to the marriage. The husband also has to be equal with everything between the wives, equal to the extent of dividing seeds in an apple.. this is very hard and is probably why many muslim men choose not to take more then one wife.
I have had many debates with my husband and friends about this topic, as I think its important to ask questions in order to strengthen belief, rather than blindly believing/following.

Personally, IF and when the time comes for such a decision I have decided that Insha Allah I will accept my husbands decision.
And no my husband has never even talked about another wife or the choice he has on this topic.It has never come up except in conversation regarding religious practices.

I may be prying but am interested to know why you would allow your husband to marry again, now I can understand this rule in certain circumstances eg: in times of war when women would be left widowed and have children, men would marry as a means of providing etc and when women can't have children and instead of getting divorced their husbands take a second wife. But in circumstances where the above does not apply aren't men just being greedy? Then is this not something that Allah (swt) dislikes... I have discussed this point with many but have never really felt the above question has been answered,would like your insight, if possible. Also,as women we are more emotional then men, so being jealous is also something that the majority of us would feel if our husbands wanted to take another wife.. again a feeling that is not looked kindly upon?

Would love to hear your views

[firmbeliever]

Salaam,
I may be prying but am interested to know why you would allow your husband to marry again, now i can understand this rule in certain circumstances eg: in times of war when women would be left widowed and have children, men would marry as a means of providing etc and when women can't have children and instead of getting divorced their husbands take a second wife. But in circumstances where the above does not apply arent men just being greedy? then is this not something that Allah (swt) dislikes...i have discussed this point with many but have never really felt the above question has been answered,would like your insight, if possible. Also,as women we are more emotional then men, so being jealous is also something that the majority of us would feel if our husbands wanted to take another wife..again a feeling that is not looked kindly upon?

would love to hear your views

Assalaam alaikum sister,

I would never have thought of letting the man I marry to have another wife while still married to me, way back when I was single.It never crossed my mind.

After marrying and having a baby, I have become more aware of myself and my religion.I also see women being abandoned by their husbands all over the world without a care,I see the children lost,struggling in a life of chaos.And not just in wars,but in everyday normal society.

I understand better the permission Allah,the All Wise has given men to marry more than one.For if a man was a good muslim,he would be just between the wives and also take good care of his stepchildren if there are any.
And more importantly if he is a good muslim,he would also think more than twice about marrying for a second or third time,as this would mean more pressure emotionally and financially to do just.And knowing Allah(swa) loves those who deal justly and dislikes those who are unjust,he will not like to take the risk unless he is very sure.

In the same way,I trust my husband to be a good muslim,which is why I said "IF" in capital letters because I do not see him marrying another in the future,but circumstances change and there might come a day that a second marriage is needed (for him,for me in illness or for the other woman who is in greater need).And for having chosen to agree does not mean that it will be easy for me.

The other thing that made me decide was if Allah (swa) has given man permission to marry then I would not be one to stop my man's right to marry again.Allah(swa) is the Most Just and All Knowing.

I agree with you there are many men who take this permission to their advantage and marry women whom they cannot or will not treat equally.These men are answerable to Allah (swa) and they will be judged according to their intentions.My advise to any woman who is in such a marriage, will be to find a way out of it.

Regarding the jealousy feeling,if it is only within you and you are struggling against it for the sake of Allah,but still wish to continue the marriage,Insha Allah such a woman will be rewarded for her patience and perseverance.
As it is normal to feel jealousy and insecurity in such circumstances,the husband as a good muslim must help both wives deal with their jealousy and help them understand his feelings on the matter and assure them that he will not be unjust to either of them or their children.

I hope I have given you a little insight into my views,and please feel free to ask anything you wish to...

Wa alaikum salaam

[rpg219]

Gosh Firmy... I am overloaded with reading material as it is, but keep it coming... lol.

Question: What does the (swa) mean?

[firmbeliever]

Hi Rae,
lol,I am glad you are enjoying reading them all.

That was a spelling mistake(swa).
It is supposed to be SWT.


http://www.muslimtents.com/aminahswo...n_phrases.html
SUBHANAHU WA TA'ALA This is an expression that Muslims use whenever the name of Allah is pronounced or written. The meaning of this expression is: "Allah is pure of having partners and He is exalted from having a son." Muslims believe that Allah is the only God, the Creator of the Universe. He does not have partners or children. Sometimes Muslims use other expressions when the name of Allah is written or pronounced. Some of which are: "'Azza Wa Jall": He is the Mighty and the Majestic; "Jalla Jalaluh": He is the exalted Majestic. S.W.T. These letters are abbreviations for the words of "Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[rpg219]

Okay... great... now I am not in the dark, lol

Thanks again Firmy!! You always come to my rescue :)

[firmbeliever]

A pleasure as always... :)

[kiki_doki]

Assalaam alaikum sister,

I would never have thought of letting the man I marry to have another wife while still married to me, way back when I was single.It never crossed my mind.

After marrying and having a baby, I have become more aware of myself and my religion.I also see women being abandoned by their husbands all over the world without a care,I see the children lost,struggling in a life of chaos.And not just in wars,but in everyday normal society.

I understand better the permission Allah,the All Wise has given men to marry more than one.For if a man was a good muslim,he would be just between the wives and also take good care of his stepchildren if there are any.
And more importantly if he is a good muslim,he would also think more than twice about marrying for a second or third time,as this would mean more pressure emotionally and financially to do just.And knowing Allah(swa) loves those who deal justly and dislikes those who are unjust,he will not like to take the risk unless he is very sure.

In the same way,I trust my husband to be a good muslim,which is why I said "IF" in capital letters because I do not see him marrying another in the future,but circumstances change and there might come a day that a second marriage is needed (for him,for me in illness or for the other woman who is in greater need).And for having chosen to agree does not mean that it will be easy for me.

The other thing that made me decide was if Allah (swa) has given man permission to marry then I would not be one to stop my man's right to marry again.Allah(swa) is the Most Just and All Knowing.

I agree with you there are many men who take this permission to their advantage and marry women whom they cannot or will not treat equally.These men are answerable to Allah (swa) and they will be judged according to their intentions.My advise to any woman who is in such a marriage, will be to find a way out of it.

Regarding the jealousy feeling,if it is only within you and you are struggling against it for the sake of Allah,but still wish to continue the marriage,Insha Allah such a woman will be rewarded for her patience and perseverance.
As it is normal to feel jealousy and insecurity in such circumstances,the husband as a good muslim must help both wives deal with their jealousy and help them understand his feelings on the matter and assure them that he will not be unjust to either of them or their children.

I hope I have given you a little insight into my views,and please feel free to ask anything you wish to...

Wa alaikum salaam

Salaam sis, Masha Allah, you seem to be an enlightened sister... I don't think I could ever find it in me to be able to 'share' my husband, and that's after being married and three children. I suppose it very much depends upon the environment in which you live, for example in london it would be frowned upon, even by the muslim community, (let alone the fact that a man would go to prison for bigamy) to marry more than one woman.

I do have another question though, as Allah (swt) has given husbands the right to marry again, he has also given wives rights and as a wife I have the right to choose to accept my husbands decision to take another wife or not to (which could end in divorce,granted). But because we have been given this right, am interested to know why you would not exercise this right? I mean, what is the likelihood that a man would choose to divorce his first wife just to take another?

Maybe my heart is not ready to even contemplate the above but I'm also struggling to get my mind to understand why a women would accept being a multiple wife when we have a choice.. hope that makes sense?:o

Jazakallah
Your input is very much appreciated

[firmbeliever]

Salaam sis, Masha Allah, you seem to be an enlightened sister...I dont think i could ever find it in me to be able to 'share' my husband, and thats after being married and three children. I suppose it very much depends upon the environment in which you live, for example in london it would be frowned upon, even by the muslim community, (let alone the fact that a man would go to prison for bigamy) to marry more than one woman.

I do have another question though, as Allah (swt) has given husbands the right to marry again, he has also given wives rights and as a wife i have the right to choose to accept my husbands decision to take another wife or not to (which could end in divorce,granted). But because we have been given this right, am interested to know why you would not exercise this right? I mean, what is the likelyhood that a man would choose to divorce his first wife just to take another?

Maybe my heart is not ready to even contemplate the above but i'm also struggling to get my mind to understand why a women would accept being a multiple wife when we have a choice..hope that makes sense?:o

Jazakallah
Your input is very much appreciated

Assalaam alaikum sister,

Alhamdlillah! I am no more enlightened than you...

It might depend on the environment,but although second marriages are common here many frown upon men marrying for religious reasons to a second wife.

Many accept the fact that a man can fall in love with another woman while being with his wife and that if the first wife is willing to share in the worldly sense then the man marries his second wife.
But many frown when a good muslim man wishes to marry another woman for the sake of preventing himself from zina of his eyes or heart or for any other religiously acceptable reasons. That is the situation I see in my community.

As for me personally,I love the man,who is the father of my daughter.When I look into the future I cannot see or imagine me being with another man nor do I see him being with another woman. Nor do I think that he will leave me for any reason let alone to marry another woman.
I know divorce is an option and when the time comes Allah (swt) alone knows, I just might take the easy way out and opt for a divorce.
It is the harder way to stay and cope with a second wife and all the emotional details that go along with being a co-wife.
I am willing to try to make it work when the time comes Insha Allah.If it doesn't seem to work out then I will leave,but I until then I have made up my mind to at least try IF and WHEN the situation arises.
And when and if such a day comes it will be my "jihad" because my family will certainly disagree with my choice and his family too might oppose it.

I hope this helps clear your queries.It is not that I am willing to share or willing to sacrifice,but I am willing to choose to stay and try, Insha Allah until the day I cannot work at it any longer...

Wa alaikum salaam

[kiki_doki]

Salaam, yes I can understand, one has to be pretty selfless to be willing to try... well thanks for answering my (many) questions, I reaslized as I was typing up the previous post that I am not in this situation and it doesn't actually directly effect me but sometimes I like to discuss things... so thank you
Salaam