[goldsentra06]

I will try to keep this as short as possible.

My son remarried about 4 years ago after having an affair. His new wife is doing all she can to keep him to herself, and I believe she has succeeded. I am heartbroken, since he is my only child, and I raised him alone.

Two years ago they were coming to vist, unexpectedly, and I told them it wasn't a good time for us. We had plans. They would not talk to me, take calls or answer e-mails for these past two years.

My son's father died at Christmas, and I called to express my sympathy, and to ask that we work on this situation. He took my call, and he gave me a huge laundry list of things he finds unacceptable about me that I have to change to be allowed in his house and see his step-children. He waited a month and invited me to see them ( 3 hours away). I spent one day there. The boys were sent away, and I wasn't allowed to see them.

I was so uncomfortable and was afraid to talk, since he found so many problems with my personality before. This is only since he got married. We were VERY close before.

After the visit, I got another long list of things he finds wrong with me again. Different things. They are wealthy, and think they are above everyone. They constantly criticize and challenge everything I say. I wish I had never gone.

I have read the list and compared it to the other list I got two years ago. I am so amazed. We used to laugh about everything, have the same sense of humor, and people would ask to meet me so they meet the person who raised such a great son.

After this last attack (I have spent two years getting over him) he told me not take it personally (ha) and not to write back and defend myself. From the language, it was perfectly clear to me that his wife wrote it.

I read it a few times and just wrote back, "Please forget about me."

It has been so awful getting over him, and I'm not ready to go through it again. He has hurt me more than I love him.

But, I feel so guilty. Yet I also cannot go through any more of his telling me how awful I am. My husband is amazed. We get along great, and he knows that I put everyone before myself. He can't figure it out either.

What do I do to get myself respect bacK? I am so depressed over this, I'm having problems sleeping.

Thanks for listening.

Denise

:confused:

[IMJayJay55]

Denise,

I'm not a psychologist and have no training in any counseling field. However, I do have a heart and I recognize that yours is broken because of the way your son is treating you. I have seen this type of thing happen over, and over. Usually it's because of spousal demands or money. Yours seems to have a little of both mixed in.

I am a man, however I do understand the mothers psyche when it comes to their children. Especially the male children. My mother seemed to love me more than her two daughters. However, she never medaled in my affairs. She never offered any opinion on my partners or lifestyle. I new it was hard for her because I'd heard that she really didn't care for my first wife. However, she accepted her as her own strickly on the fact that she was my wife. My mother was always there for me. She never offered any unsolicited advice and she never offered any advice or opinion on anyone that I was involved with. I love her so much for that. She always opened her arms and heart to any woman in my life. Even if she really didn't care for them too much. This type of unconditional acceptance caused every woman in my life to adore my mother. So, in other words, here's my advice.

The most quick way back into your sons life if through your new daughter-in-law. Open your arms to her. Express your love to her and your appreciation that a good woman in taking care of her beloved son. If you can win over your daughter-in-law, you'll have your son back and you'll also have the daughter that you've never had. If this doesn't work, put all of your efforts and love into that great husband of yours. I know it won't replace your beloved son, but it will lessen the pain in your heart.

That's the best advice I can give. Some background on me. I'm a white male. 52 years old. I live in Indiana. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. My father died in 1970 at age 44 and my dear mother died in 1991 at the age of 59. I'm separated from my third wife. I have no biological children but have been a father to 4 step children.

Good luck, and thanks for listening.

Jason

[goldsentra06]

Thanks for your pep talk Jason. But I am that sort of mother. We have always been close, and I embraced him when he divorced his first wife because it was what he wanted, even though my heart went out to her. I accepted the second one, and even told her I never saw Jeff so happy. He wanted children, and she has two.

I always complimented her on how well adjusted her boys are, and that I had to grown to love them. Then it started. She told me I was NOT their grandmother, and she started to pull away and take Jeff with her. I never complained because I want him to be happy.

But, can't he be happy with her, and her feel self-assured enough to realize that he can still love me? He has changed so dramatically in the past four years, I don't even know him anymore.

I think after analyzing it, that she is so aggressive that she had no friends. Jeff is very charismatic and has lots of friends. He introduced her into a life of wealth, full of friends, and she wants to "protect it."

I actually feel sorry for her, because if she is left alone at any time in her life, she will revert back to a very lonely life.

I'm grateful that I have my husband to see me through this.

It's really tough because I have been the type of mother you described, hoping that it would sustain our relationship. But it seems like he has forgotten all of it.

He even ignored my when my beloved sister died unexpectedly last year.

I can't believe any of this. This is not the way we were raised.

I always trusted and supported any of his decisions -- 100%. Unconditional love. All of the time.

I'll be OK - it will take time.

Thanks again!

Denise

[Fr_Chuck]

Be honest, tell him that lists to change is not what children do and say to their parents, tell him he is disrespectful an needs to ask you to forgive him. Tell him that he is the one with the problems and needs to change his attitude toward you.

Then wait for him to remember it

[IMJayJay55]

Denise,

You're on the right road. You're doing, in my opinion, the right things. I know it hurts but you are strong. You can withstand the hurt. Be asured that he will always love you. He's only trying to create harmony in his home life. He's trying to appease his wife. He's probably in as much turmoil as you are. He's trying to balance loyalty with his love for you. Although you think that you are the one who's struggleing with this, his struggle is more pronounced. His love for you, as his mother, will never die. You just need to hold on and be there when his love for you in reborn. Time, patience, understanding and the knowledge that there's people like me who understand your plight. I hope you understand how hard this in on your husband? Love him for being with you through this.

There are people in this world who are very shallow. They seem to concentrate on things that, in the whole sceme of life, really don't mean . Money, jealosy, bigotry, hipocracy; they're all things that are a part of being human. Unfortunately, we spend too much time focusing on things that really don't matter. I hope you realize who I'm talking about here.

You gave Jeff life! He realizes that and, no matter what obstacles are present, his realization of your contribution to his existence is branded within him. As a son, even if I were astranged from my mother, I would always hold a special feeling for her, who gave me life. It's engrained. It's absolute.

I hope things work out for you. I hope my words gave you some comfort and engouragement. I've been speaking to you as a son, not as a 52 year old man. My mother, and best friend has been gone for 17 years. I still smell her perfume. Her hair still tickles my nose from hugging her.

Jeff, if he's any type of son, has those same type of feelings. I know it for a fact!

Jason

[Choux]

You have to make your own life, Denise, you are overly emotionally involved with your son. He is a married man, has a wife he loves and who is number one in his life, and responsibilities for children. The only thing that turns a son off having a relationship with his elderly mother is that if she tries to manipulate his emotions. Your statement in a letter stating, "Just forget about me." is extremely self-pitying, manipulative, and immature.

I think you could feel so much better in the long run if you have some sessions with a good therapist. What you learn there could be of great help in repairing your relationship with your son and his wife.

You can't change other people in this life, you can only change yourself.

Good Luck in 2008,

[goldsentra06]

You have obviously not absorbed the whole picture. He has been independent since he left for college. I saw him a few times a year, always respected his desire for travel and a multitude of interests. I never made him feel guilty. I was happy if he was happy. It was an understanding we always had.

This revolved around him asking me to visit, spending one day there, and suddenly getting a three page note from him and his wife telling me about how inappropriate I was, attacking my personality and generally being abusive. I was floored, as was my husband.

He couldn't imagine where the feelings came from.

I have always given him complete independence since he was 16. He began to travel alone at that age and always loved it. I supported that. We had a great rapport always - then this.

I am certainly not overly involved in his life - I see him once or twice a year.

I think you need to know more or read the posts more carefully.

Thanks anyway for your good wishes.

Denise

[goldsentra06]

(QUOTE)
"You can't change other people in this life, you can only change yourself. "

That's exactly what I did. When things hurt you more than they give you pleasure, you walk away. I WANTED him to know that his letter showed me no respect, and I meant it when I said to forget me.

I do not want to spend the last 20 years (if I'm lucky) of my life begging him to love me. The negativity would kill me.

Either he does or he doesn't - his choice. But, if he doesn't, why not accept it and work with the loves in my life - my husband and my work with hospice.

Denise