[barelyhere]

And I don't know why. She was emotionally abusive, completely self-absorbed, and she did not value me like she should have. I am currently a masters student, I'm very attractive, I am a loving, loyal, witty person who treated her like gold. She'd had abusive relationships before with her ex-wife, and I made it my mission to tell her everyday how beautiful she is. I gave her everything I had. During our relationship, however, she didn't treat me like a person deserves to be treated. We fought all the time because of it. I'm the kind of person who will try and work things out, believing in my heart that the person will somehow wake up and change. I know that's egotistical, but it came from a complete belief that she had it in her. I told her if she didn't start putting effort into treating me well I'd have to leave one day. She knew this. All it required was a little effort. And she couldn't be bothered to do that. Because she doesn't like to put forth effort for anybody other than herself. So I left. And it broke me in half. I know I'll survive, but what's made it so difficult is that she immediately started hanging out with her creepy, emotionally abusive ex-wife, and started hanging out with some "straight" chick everyday, having slumber parties she swears are innocent. We've been broken up a week and she's seen this chick everyday, and she's seen her stupid ex-wife twice. I totally don't understand. The least she could do was spend a little time alone to reflect on why she was able to drive a person she was in love with away. You can't change for the better if you constantly distract yourself. She was in love with me, and she still is, but she doesn't have it in her to work for anything, including personal growth. I feel totally devalued, and betrayed by her insistence on meaningless distraction. I don't mean that she should stay at home miserable without me. Going out with a new friend once in awhile is totally healthy after a break up. But distracting yourself to the point where you don't have to put forth effort for change is totally unhealthy, and I view it as a slap in the face. In the end, like in our relationship, she proved to be a total let-down. Now here's my question: why do I miss her so much? I cry while driving, a phenomenon I think is hilarious in theory, but nonetheless, I can't stop crying when I think about her. It's the aftermath that's hurt me the most. I miss her so much. I've made it clear to her that we're done. Not even a possibility of a friendship. She's cut completely out of my life. And it's devastated me. Last night in class, I knew that she was going to my house to drop off what possessions of mine she had, and leaving the key to my house. I could barely sit through the class without crying. It's so final, and it's so painful. I know she doesn't deserve me, and I know she's not worth this. So why am I so broken up about it? All of my friends are completely baffled. They've thought she was beneath me from day one but I maintained that she just needed to be loved, and that she was an amazing person inside. They knew what I now know--that's she's incapable of a mature relationship. So again, WHY am I so broken up about this? Why am I so shattered over someone who wasn't good to me, during our relationship, and right afterward? What can I do to get over this? I know it'll be better for me in the long run to get this poisonous girl out of my life (my mom's words), but how do I stop craving her holding me? I miss being in her arms. Such a sensual, physical action, detached from real meaning, and it's what I want. Help.

[onlinecounsellor_Dale]

I am sorry to hear that the whole hearted manner, in which you loved your girlfriend, was not reciprocated. You invested all you had into the relationship and, in short, your investment didn't pay off.

You are currently dealing with the loss of a relationship, as well as the loss of an ideal. You are coming to terms with the realisation of having been taken for granted, and experiencing the associated hurt and anger which this brings. You may even be struggling with irrational feelings of failure because despite your best attempts, you were not able to love your girlfriend 'well'.

You ask why you miss your ex. Well, just as you loved wholly, you grieve wholly. Your current sadness and despair is commensurate with what she meant to you and the good intentions (and hopes) you had for the relationship.

Unfortunately, there is no real way to short circuit your current emotional pain; it is a process you need to go through. Attempts to block out the pain (like those of your girlfriend) will only prolong genuine healing. Remember though, the toughest part is over, you making the courageous choice to end what was an abusive relationship. Congratulations and please stay strong now. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that there is happiness and a more deserving partner ahead of you.

Kind regards
Dale

[Shnaddy]

I totally agree with Dale, well put.

You sound like you put your all in to this relationship, well done for that but now here is your pain.

Listen, it will get easier each day, and there are plenty of other women in the sea, I am a lesbian and when I split from my ex I thought I would be alone for ages, as finding a women would be a lot harding for another women to find.

Good women like you and I are hard to find chick. Forget you ex, she's not worth your love.

Take care n Chin up. X

[TrueFaith]

I hate it when people break your ideals.

Its pretty much one of the most painful things that can happen.

But as you say your good looking your smart. You have a lot going for you.
Remember that.

And don't let these people that pass threw your life bring you down

Regards

[HistorianChick]

Yes, she broke your ideals, shattered your dreams, threw your love in your face...

But hon, she can't break your spirit unless you let her.

This goes for all break-up relationships... the "ex-es" cannot take your power unless you give it to them.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with such a devastating loss. When someone we love doesn't return our love, it is debilitating.

I hope you are able to take your power back, take control of your emotions, and go on into that unknown future of an unwritten tomorrow! :)

Keep your chin up! :)

[talaniman]

It will hurt for a while, but you will put your life back together, just give yourself time to grieve, and heal.

[barelyhere]

Dale, I totally and completely appreciate your advice. It's hard right now. I just got done seeing her for the last time (the dreaded possession exchange), and she told me that the "straight chick" she's been distracting herself with is now staying with her for a week because she can't afford her rent or other such stupidity. It kind of broke something inside of me. In a good way. I can't describe it--it's very strange. I started smiling when she told me. Not creepily or maliciously, but because she'd finally pushed me so far it was almost a relief. No more questions of will she improve, will she work to become a better person. It sealed the deal in a way. I kind of felt free. It hurt beyond what my emotions are able to handle, and so something inside of me took over and I told her I'd like to go. She got out of the truck and I drove home clear-headed for the first time. I haven't even cried. I literally feel free. I'm sure this is just a peak that I will fall from, but despite how bad it is the next couple of weeks, this is the FIRST time that I have been completely aware that it is one hundred percent o-v-e-r. It's over. It's relieving--like turning the page to the next chapter. I deserve so much more. She is a miserable person. I don't mean that in a mean way--it's true. She's miserable. And it's not my job anymore to worry about whether she takes steps in the right direction toward cultivating happiness. She broke me enough tonight to kind of let go, and let her wallow in whatever misery she creates without putting any of myself into the equation.

So thank you everybody who has responded. I can't express how uplifting it was to log on and see that in just less than a day, when before I had felt so stranded, crazy and devastated, that I would have amazing people giving me words of encouragement. You guys rock.

[onlinecounsellor_Dale]

Thanks for the thanks :) (If you wouldn't mind, could you please rate my answer as I'm new on here and wanting to build my 'reputation'?)

Now, back to you - don't forget that you also rock! The insight you have is really impressive. I know your break-up is raw (real raw) and, as such, there may be times ahead when you are 'at risk' of feeling sentimental or, worse still, weakening and letting your ex back into your life (and heart). Fortunately, you are smart enough to know that this would be a BIG error in judgment and would simply start the whole miserable cycle all over again. So... you need to put measures in place to guard against this (especially if your ex contacts you and tries to 'draw' you back in, which I suspect is highly probable - whether it is next week, next month or next year). Call on the support of your family and friends (who, incidentally, sound really supportive), immerse yourself in your studies, do things such as exercise which will make you feel stronger emotionally and physically, and change your cell number if you have to.

Your ex isn't necessarily a 'bad' person... most people do the best with the resources (intellectual, emotional, physical) they have. She is, however, from your description a dysfunctional and hurting person, and hurt people generally hurt. Hurt people (especially those who have limited insight into their problems) also tend to be emotionally manipulative. They refuse to meet their own needs (i.e. 'get better' and be personally responsible) but instead look to others to fill their void/make them feel better (hence, the manipulation). They seem to act in accordance with the dysfunctional belief that another (usually their intimate partner) is responsible for their happiness and/or the cause of all their misery. Do you want to get back on such a thankless merry-go-round and be related to in such a way? I think not, and you've agreed as much!!

This new friendship/relationship (whatever!) it is that your ex has formed, don't let it sadden you. Be thankful and hope that it will continue to distract her from contacting you and trying to make you feel once again responsible for her wellbeing. If/when you feel lonely and are faced with thoughts such as "she's already got someone else whereas I am having to confront and ride out this loneliness", console yourself with the knowledge that her relationship is probably doomed to failure (or at least misery). Until someone challenges and faces up to their dysfunctional ways of relating, they will keep repeating the same patterns and find themselves in the 'same' relationship time after time (i.e. same relationship, different face). You, thankfully, are not as hexed as you have positive, adaptive ways of relating to yourself and others - characteristics which will reward you and your future relationships. In the meantime, please focus on yourself - you deserve it after expending so much emotional energy on the relationship you have just come out of :)