[rusalka]

Hi everyone. I was long thinking about asking people about this problem but did not really know where to begin. Since it has been bothering me for some time, I thought I would give it a try, anyway.

Do you think - I'm especially voicing this to men - that it is something bad or uncool for a woman to be virgin at 27? I'm not religious or anything, and I don't have desires to keep my virginity for my husband or anything like this. It just... didn't happen so far. I don't know, maybe I'm too choosy, whenever a man approached me I didn't find them attractive enough, I mean, I didn't feel, you know, the "spark", the flame, and all those guys I fell in love with were totally unapproachable, either engaged or just simply didn't like me, or in some cases I wasn't brave enough to tell them how I feel, being afraid of rejection. Now I simply feel that it would be high time to have a sexual relationship, I mean everyone has desires and needs, but the fact that I'm still a virgin, makes it even more difficult for me to approach men. I'm totally unexperienced in these things whatsoever, and I'm afraid they will laugh at me or consider me a weirdo etc. I also have to add that it's not only sex I'm unexperienced in, I've never ever had a kiss, even... I have had guys trying to approach but since I didn't feel any sexual affection for them, I rejected them right away, and as I mentioned before, those guys I felt sexually attracted to were never approachable. Seems like it's always the chemichally unsuitable men that find me attractive :confused: - and that I don't have the guts to go up to the men I like and let them know it. If I love someone I usually start to behave in a somewhat cold manner because I'm not confident in mysel and am afraid of making some stupid mistake and usually because I simply do not believe I'm attractive enough to THEM. This so complex and I don't really know how to deal with this, I can't even confess these to my psychologist, because he's a man and I'm so shy with them...

[wolfcandy2]

I commend you for being a virgin at 27,it means that not only are you a very choosy woman it also means that you haven't met that"one" yet.I don't think you are weird for being a virgin,as for the attractive ones being too out of your league and you only get the as you call them unacctractive ones... beauty is in the eye of the beholder... its what's inside you that means much more than what's outside.Im just an average guy that hasn't found his "one" yet either.You have to write a letter to the guy or guys,explaining this to them but never send it to them... it will make yourself esteem better by writing things down... Its not shy that you are more like unsure about your feelings towards men in general

[Choux]

For some reason, you don't know how to make friends with a man... you see every attractive man as a potential sex partner/husband, every average guy to be rejected. If you don't have any experience talking with and joking around with men, you don't know what they are really about.

A *male* therapist is there so you can learn how to make friends with *him* and trust *him* with your innermost thoughts. A healing and growth relationship. Open up with him.


Best wishes. :)

[rusalka]

Thank you. :) To be honest I really can make friends with men, I have more male friends than female actually. It is only the ones I find attractive that I cannot deal with, that I keep a certain distance from... I still can talk to them about various things in a friendly manner but I'm afraid to touch them or look in the eye or anythign that would tell them about my feelings because I feel stupid about my feelings, and I think that they will also consider me a fool - or even worse: they will feel sorry for me, as it did happen once when I listened to a friend's advice and actually told the guy how I felt for him. It was so aweful to see the sorry in his eyes I can't bear this, I would rather not express my feelings then to see their sorryful reaction.

[wolfcandy2]

Why would you feel stupid about how you feel towards someone... whether it be sexual or platonic... you have to say how you feel so the other person knows and can go with it or not... I honestly don't think you are a fool... you are unexperienced at love and the feelings that accompany it,nothing wrong with that... I can talk to you for hours about it and maybe one day with all that I have given you informationwise,maybe get the man of your dreams

[wolfcandy2]

Still with me

[forreal]

rusalka,


There is nothing wrong being an adult virgin and any man who tells you other wise just wants sex from you.Another thing I need to tell you, it's not your virginity that blocking you from having a relationship with a man because If you want sex or don't believe in commitment, then have sex with the first man that offer their penis or walks on by but if you believe in commitment you will wait to have sex and learn how to have a healthy relationship with a man.
The problem with most Adult virgin,most adult virgin don't know how to relate to the opposite sex without intercourse but rather jump to sex just to keep the opposite sex in their dating life.How about enjoy dating as a virgin and the rest will follow.

[clafairey]

You should be very proud of yourself (not to sound patronising or anything, sorry if I come across that way) I wish I had waited until I found the right person as you are doing. I think you will find a lot of men like the fact that you are a virgin, it's not nice to think that the one you truly love has shared intimate moments and shared their body with someone else.

[MOWERMAN2468]

I personally think it is great that you have your virginity at the age of 27. You will find the "one" one day, and he will be a very lucky guy. A lot of the time by the time a woman is 27, she will have a couple of kids, been divorced a couple of times, and then be hunting a mate. See you have not done all this, so you are going to be a prized catch for someone one day. Good job.

[excon]

Hello r:

I think keeping your virginity is fine. I think losing it is fine too. But, you're too hung up on the first time. You're going to be screwing a LOT more than once, and what difference does it make really, what THAT guy thinks?

Here's my advice. Before I give it to you, however, I should tell you that although my advice might appear on the surface to be simplistic, I only arrived at it after I examined the issues in depth. Besides, my advice is easy to do, and you don't have to pay a psychologist.

Fake it till you make it.

excon

[2personal]

Wouldn't be sad that one those men that you fancy, feels the same way towards you, as you do towards him, yet your paths never cross, being a really shy person myself, and also find it difficult to make conversation with some body I like, I don't know what advice to give you to get your paths crossing. The virginity thing, if only there were more women like you. Good luck.

[Marydoll]

I don't think that its pathetic, I just think that what the points in delaying something that is going to make you very happy... Lifes too short to be missing out! :-)

[rusalka]

Thank you guys, you are worth a million psychologists! :D

[smoothy]

The right time to have sex is when you are ready. If that's when you are thirty so be it. Never do it because its what someone else wants... only do it because its what you both want.

[forreal]

Marydoll,


A virgin should have sex with the right person their first time and not a man or woman with a penis or vagina

[simoneaugie]

I don't think being a virgin is anything to be proud of. It isn't anything to be worried about either. We are all only that way for a while. Then virginity is no longer an issue and we find other stuff to worry about. Being a virgin is an aside; your biggest problem is the fear you feel when you are around someone who is attractive to you.

Fake it till you make it is good advise. I'll put it a different way.

Be it. Do it. Think it. In that order, not the other way around.

[Ash123]

You must follow your inner voice...and yours says to wait.

27 is not that old for a woman to remain a virgin.

What's more important is your relationship with men.
What is your relationship with your parents?
And your father in particular?

Do you have any siblings?
What is your relationship with them?

Are your relationships loving and trusting with the guys you do date?

Mere sexual relations is a small part of this... self-confidence and ability to share
Are more essential. One's "wiring" is more subtle than you might expect... and our environment may affect us more than we realize.

Look into these questions for me, and I will help more!

A

[rusalka]

You must follow your inner voice...and yours says to wait.

27 is not that old for a woman to remain a virgin.

What's more important is your relationship with men.
What is your relationship with your parents?
And your father in particular?

Do you have any siblings?
What is your relationship with them?

Are your relationships loving and trusting with the guys you do date?

Mere sexual relations is a small part of this....self-confidence and ability to share
are more essential. One's "wiring" is more subtle than you might expect...and our environment may affect us more than we realize.

Look into these questions for me, and I will help more!

A

Thank you Ash123. To answer your questions

The relationship with my parents is not bad, but I don't particularly feel close to them that much. I mean, I'm not that home-sitter who can't bear a day without mommy being around. I love my mother but don't tell her everything, we have never been in a best friends sort of relationship mainly because I know that she would worry more than normal, and because she is hardly able to understand some of my needs and my way of thinking. And also because I don't want to bother her with my problems, she has enough herself.

My parents divorced when I was 18, and I was never close to my father. He didn't let it. He always wanted to have sons and instead he got two girls. He used to work with russian soldiers as an interpreter and because of their company he started drinking which resulted in my mother divorcing him. He was much more fond of my sister, who was more interested in boys stuff and because she was smaller and younger she didn't really feel the stress between my parents and was literally hanging on my father. I was cooler with him because I was disgusted by his behaviour when drunk (he never beat us though, he was just shouting and rambling around but I hated it). I still can't accept him and he is not interested in me either. He wouldn't even know which class I was in at school, and he didn't mind anything else either. Of course this hurts, girls are usually drawn to their fathers and admire them and I hated him that I couldn't admire him like my friends admired their fathers. I know that the reationship with my father might have influenced my shyness with men, or perhaps even some fear that I might end up next to a guy like him, so for this reason I never ever bother with men of whom I know they drink alcohol frequently. If they approach when drunk or even slightly drunk, I automatically close up and refuse even to talk to them, I can't help it, I get a vomiting feeling of the smell of drunk men.

My sister and I are not the best friends either but that's because she is 7 years younger than me, so generations apart...

Dating... I didn't have much men wanting to date me. There was one guy who was interested but I didn't feel anything for him, so after some two or three rendesvous we parted. We couldn't talk, and that's like hell of a boredom for me. I like men who can freely talk about different subjects from politics through philosophy and literature to technology. But those men won't bother with me, they are taken by the nice slim blondes whose main concern is lipstick colour and the latest fashion. Seen that a couple of times.

I am also in lack of self-confidence, I know. I'm not beautiful or anything, and slightly overweight as well, which is an inheritance from my grandmother and whatever I do I can't get below 70 kilos. I alwys feel that whatever I do to myself (nice clothes, makeup, new hairstyle) it's all in vain, nobody ever notices it and those who do notice are not the intelligent talkers I strive for but guys who think I might be happy if they took me to bed. But even those guys are rare, to say the least. I never had a serious date in my life, et alone a boyfriend, and not even a single kiss, and this is a horrible feeling at my age, esp. when I see my 18 year old sister consuming her 6th boyfriend in two years... I feel like a granny...

[Ash123]

To be honest, the answer to all you ask, is in your answers to my questions.

In my studies of emotional development the family unit carries many clues as to how we see ourselves and others - often in ways we don't even realize....

1) You are not close to your father
2) he wanted a boy
3) your parents divorced when you were in your formative years

You need to recognize that these things have made you give off a self-doubting self-image... and your posture, your clothes, your looks, even your expressions portray this. Then embrace your hurdles and realize that it is a work in progress... And you are on a journey.

You cannot solve all this in a single day online - but you can do a lot. Recognize that you need to fight the self doubt and loathing and learn to LIKE yourself... Whatever hobbies or interests you have or wish to have focus on them - and the relationship will follow one day. But do not focus on why you are a virgin - and what that means... it just means... well, you haven't had intercourse. Many people who have had intercourse have still yet to connect with someone deeply and are in many ways VIRGINS themselves.

As for looks and weight and clothes... well, it does matter somewhat (in that you need to be healthy and fit), and aim to keep your weight to roughly what is recommended for your height and age. Even if it's tough. It is a good goal that will help you in other ways too. Being healthy changes a lot of things. Now, being naturally bigger than some girls is fine. And frankly, you can only be YOU - so learn to love it. Just don't be someone ELSE - because you are too depressed to stay fit...

as for clothes... find what colors are your best and what styles show off your body style - or target body style best - and slowly add them once a week an item at a time or so... enjoy! And never rule out a pro counselor to aid in this self-discovery process.. (A medical G.P. can recommend one... if desired)

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Surprises await!

A

[simoneaugie]

Ash is correct about your dad. Thanks for sharing that. The way you describe your relationship with your dad, is the same (in essence) as for the guys you are interested in.

True, people remain virgins even when they've had sex. Virginity, even relating to kissing is not a fault.

Your weight, is how you are. The guys who are attracted to those slim blondes can go, and leave with those decorations on their arms. Not that all HWP people are only decorations. You like to have serious discussions with guys. There is a guy, or several out there who wants to be with you, who wants to talk to you.

Heal whatever happened with your dad. His drinking behavior and seeming acceptance of your sister are not a reflection of your value. If you feel less than, even when you intellectually understand this, counselling for your up-bringing would be a next step.