[alv]

Okay, I’ve been worrying myself sick! I mean sick. I’ll start by saying my husband has been deployed since Oct. and may not return until the end of the year. I love him and miss him so much sometimes it hurts. We have been married for 18yrs.

The situation.
There is a coworker that has confessed his desire for me. We have flirted in the past but I have never crossed the line. I’ve even told my husband about it because I usually don’t hide anything from him. Anyway, at this years Christmas party (alcohol involved) this coworker told me how he felt about me….that I was the most this and the most that and that he thinks of me all the time. I told him I was flattered but kind of blew it off as flirting but he kept on and I didn’t stop him. The next day he apologized but added that the alcohol gave him the courage to say what he has been feeling for a long time and that if I wasn’t married I wouldn’t be able to beat him off with a stick. I have to admit, he would be someone I would be interested in if I wasn’t married but I told him I could not and would not do anything to hurt my husband and that I loved my husband very much. I wished him the best and left it at that. I do think he is a good person and I was actually thinking about fixing him up with one of my friends. We have emailed a few times since but I have not encouraged any flirting.

With that said it brings me to the problem. I have this over whelming guilt that I have done something wrong. I enjoyed the attention and the flirting…maybe a little too much. I told my husband what happened and he laughed. He said “well if you didn’t kiss him or go home with him, then you didn’t do anything wrong.” I don’t know if it is because my husband is gone and of course I am lonely and when this guy says really nice things to me, it makes me miss my husband more and that I wish my husband was the one saying those things to me. It’s making me crazy. Like I said I would never do anything physical but I feel like I let my mind wonder a little too much and not focusing totally on my husband while he’s out fighting for our country. If something were to happen to him while he is deployed I could never forgive myself for the thoughts I have had. Can you see how crazy this is making me! Why am I feeling so guilty?

[starfirefly]

You should not feel guilty.you over came all desire and you were completely honset with you husband about it... in fact you are one of the few woman who did exacally the right thing. You were honest to everyone in this situation. And even though your married flirting is in no way cheating, and you told your husband all this and he laughed which means he trusts you completely, by the sounds of this you have a great husbad, rare to find!

[George_1950]

You ever seen "Gone With The Wind"? Do you recall Scarlet telling Rhett, "You are no gentleman." And Rhett replies, "And you are no lady". It is good that you are thinking things through, and you should stop to consider that what you do, you can never undo; you will live with what you have done until the end. What you think can be almost as bad, but we really are not penalized for what we think or contemplate. Your co-worker is no gentleman. I will leave it at that.

[kp2171]

Deep breath in. deep breath out.

I am a very jealous man. That said, I have great trust in my wife, and my trust in her overrides the jealousy by a mile.

She's a beautiful woman, sexy as sin, and she's a flirt from time to time. She works in a male dominated industry, she takes trips out of town, and men hit on her.

I've been in a bar with some young stud a dozen years younger than me buying her drinks and playing her in pool.

My take... I trust her. She's coming home to me. I like that she gets attention. She deserves it. If the boy goes too far, I will go over and introduce myself and thank him for buying her drinks. If it gets out of hand, heaven help him.

Should you feel like crap? Don't beat yourself up too much. Flirting is flirting, and you didn't go over the line.

The only thing is, of course, your husband doesn't need to be thinking about this, and you know you are tearing yourself up more than we ever could.

So... if you were my wife I would have gotten a rise in my blood pressure. Id be a little pi$$ed. Id also be glad my beautiful wife got the attention she deserves and that she stayed true.

You didn't cheat on him. You didn't almost cheat on him. You were talking to another human who found you attractive and you flirted a little.

Some men could not take it. Seems like yours can.

Don't beat yourself up at all. Just let it strengthen your bond with him. He must love you and trust you a lot.

There are times when I'm out with my wife and I count the guys staring her down. Somewhere in the night ill tell her "6 guys" or whatever, and shell smile. I just look them in the eye until they see me and glance away quickly.

She deserves the attention. Just because she's married doesn't mean she suddenly stopped being sexy and desirable.

You didn't cross the line, and your feelings make it clear that you don't really want to. You are fine. I think he is too.

[Fr_Chuck]

You should not be emailing him, but beyond that, make sure he knows the answer is NO and tell him that if his hitting on your contiues you will have to report him to the human resourse people as harassment

[wewed100606]

Wow. Absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Flirting and mind wandering is normal and healthy. Woman always, and even men, need to feel desired by the opposite sex. It helps them with self confidence and there ability to stay loyal. I think your husband is ridiculously lucky to have someone like you waiting for him at home. Keep it to occasional flirting and maybe a little fantasizing while tooting your own horn and you have nothing to feel guilty of. You and your husnad are an inspiration to me and I wish all men and woman fighting across the globe had the love and suuport of someone like you at home!

[momincali]

alv- I can surely see why you would feel so bad, I would too, and I think it's because although you didn't do anything like kiss him or worse, you would have liked too. I think your guilt stems from the fact that the temptation was there and that it will continue to be there as long as this guy is around. Now that your husband has been deployed, it's going to make it harder to stay away and easier to have him around. You'll feel lonelier and even angry at some point that you are alone and have to deal with this by yourself. I know you love your husband and would never want to hurt him, so far you've shown great respect, love and loyalty to him and that is wonderful.

Is it at all possible to get another job? Hard maybe, but is it possible, for the sake of your marriage? I know it seems extreme and people say you shouldn't run from your problems but I don't see this as running. I see it as removing yourself from obvious temptation and disallowing yourself to be put in compromising situations. Yes, you may find another job and you may encounter that again, unless, you stop with the "innocent flirting" and present yourself as the respectable married lady you are. Know that the desire to be desired and feel sexy is and always can be met by your husband, the only appropriate person to make you feel that way. Yes, even at a distance. Commitment and loyalty isn't a feeling, it isn't circumstancial.

Stop flirting, emailing, going to lunch and even talking to this guy. Even an attempt to introduce him to one of your friends may backfire and put you in an awkward situation. He may interpret it differently. Let him know without a doubt that he needs to keep his distance. Occupy your time with girlfriends and family. Read, knit your husband a scarf or something that will constantly remind you of what you can inadvertently lose. Don't be a victim of that age old excuse "I didn't mean for it to happen...". Flirting doesn't just happen, it takes effort.

[alv]

I'm sitting here crying as I read all of the replies. I've worried and worried. Thank you so much for helping me feel normal! I get inside my head sometimes and can't seem to get out.

My husband and I spent 3 short days together at Christmas and saying goodbye again was so hard. I think the stress of it all is doing a number on me. I've allways been the one to keep it all together and I guess I thought I was stronger than this. I know it will get better with time.

My husband and I do have a strong relationship and I am so proud of him and what he is doing. Thank you for reminding me of what a special person he is.

Thanks again for the support!

[anet]

Momincali wrote what I have in my mind partially. You didn't cheat physically, but mentally and that is why you feel guilty. See this as a challenge! A temporary challenge that just happened in your life, when your husband is away from you. I know it is not easy, but the guy who is trying to flirt with you, is someone who is testing you in this difficult time. Are you strong enough to pass this test? Think about it, if you fail, you fail twice. If you fail to be faithful and fall in love with this co-worker guy, he won't stay with you. He will leave you because he is a cheater.
Just like he wanted to cheat with you, he wanted to cheat with others. So if you fail, you will loss both your husband and the co-worker. You sound like a brave woman, because you recognized your mistake. You are not a whore or you haven't cheat on your husband yet. But you are in this challenging test of your life. I think you are stronger than this situation. Do not email this guy at all. Do not put yourself in a hot stove and try not to burn. If you put yourself in fire, you should expect burning. No more flirting. Do not flirt again and tell your husband what happened. You are torturing him mentally. Even though he laughed about it, he might be thinking and worry about it. I appreciate your honesty by the way, but avoid the situation before it goes any further.

[George_1950]

Thank you, alv; you have 18 years of experience with marriage; and your husband seems to be a great guy and you a great gal. Why don't you stay tuned to AMHD and put in your 2 cents worth! There are lots of guys on here wondering ("Relationships", I believe) whether their girl loves them or not. I expect you could add some insightful comments from time to time.

[alv]

You are right Momincali and anet. It is the thoughts that I've had that make me feel guilty and I feel selfish that I even told my husband about the flirting in the first place. He doesn't need that crap right now anyway! I don't think I have worried him but I probably could have kept it to myself.

What I told my husband was that it made me feel good to know that someone would still be interested but that I wanted to hear those things from him and know that he is still interested.” He said, "I always tell you how beautiful and sexy you are and now you have proof." He is a man of few words so I'm just going to have to tell him to write a few more love letters while he is away and I'll make it up to him when he gets home.

Let me make it clear that I will never act on any feelings or flirting with another man. I'm just not that way! I have to talk to this guy because we work together. He knows my husband is gone so any more flirting or suggesting will show me he really has no respect for me.

Basically I'm mad at myself for letting my mind wonder. I suppose that is human nature but it just didn't feel right with him gone. I don't think I would be this psycho if my husband was home. I think my husband would consider it foreplay if he were here. :)

Thank you again!

[George_1950]

You guys are a great couple!!

[Momma to three]

Stop the emailing and the flirting, as that will just encourage him. Beyond that, you have NOT done anything wrong, and you have no reason to feel guilty. Just try to keep yourself out of situations where the temptation might be increased, and focus on how much you love your husband and want to spend the rest of your life with him.