[mldubose]

Sorry to be so paranoid, but how do you know that he isn't having people over to do drugs or to have orgies or engage in child pornography? From how he sounds, he obviously has no regard for the rights of others. Not all sociopaths kill people. Others take advantage of them simply because they can.

Even if he isn't this bad, he is clearly taking advantage of you because he knows he can. The people who claim to not know that they are either hurting you or taking advantage of you ALWAYS have some clue of it. He's also using the "they let me use it, so I can do what I want" excuse to defraud you. Forget about the family connection to this person. If he wasn't a relative, you would have no problem getting the sheriff's department to have him removed when you showed up and saw him there.

As far as your husband goes, he needs to wake up and smell the potential for disaster. Say something does happen. That nitwit nephew won't be responsible. Whoever is on the deed and mortgage will. Is your financial future so secure that you can overcome a lawsuit, property damage, an increase in insurance premiums, etc?

As for the rest of your freeloading family, tell them that your greedy nephew abused his privilege and that you were trying to help him out in what you thought was a time of need. Your vacation house is not up for grabs. There are too many issues of liability to consider. Anyone with half a brain and any sense of decency would never ask to stay there or ask for their own key anyway. Sorry to be so crude, but I have to wonder about the integrity of these people. Where do they get this sense of entitlement?

The first step I would take is to have the locks changed. I would notify your nephew in writing of this. Forget about damaging the family relationship because it sounds like things are incredibly toxic anyway, but no one likes to talk about it. Sure standing up for yourselves may cause a problem, but are these awful people really worth your time? You could pick people off the street to treat you better.

Tell anyone else who asks about the place that it's not up for grabs. You would be more than happy to invite people along when you are going, but allowing people into the house when you are not there is a liability issue. If they don't like it, that's one less Christmas card you have to send.

Life is too short to have to deal with toxic people. Especially relatives. And tell that husband of yours that you are trying to protect your financial security. If he's like every other man, he will appreciate it.

[peggyhill]

I think changing the locks is a good idea. He may have given keys out to his friends. You don't want someone to come in and steal, get hurt, etc. when you aren't there. I would use the insurance angle and tell him that the locks have been changed just to be safe. Tell him that you know he has had guests there and just in case anyone could have made a copy of a key, the locks are changed. I would tell them that they are welcome to come and visit you and your husband when you stay there, as long as they call and ask ahead of time.

The bottom line is it is your home that you and your husband have worked for and invested money in. It should be there for you to enjoy, not used by strangers. Don't feel bad about putting your foot down. If this "kid" wants to work hard and save his money, maybe he will be able to afford a vacation home of his own someday. But it sounds like he is more interested in mooching off you.

My cousin has a vacation house on the lake close to where I live. We were invited to stay there for a month last summer. They were out of the country and asked us to keep an eye on it while they were gone. I asked ahead of time if a couple of my friends could come over and visit, like for a cookout or something, and she said yes. I only invited a couple people that she knows and likes. No one spent the night, and I gave the keys back to her when she came back. I wouldn't dream of making a copy. I cleaned the house before she came back and had our stuff by the door ready to leave when she came in. I think this guy is WAY out of line acting this way!

[Picassa]

I'm going to do a lock upgrade in a few weeks. I know the"freeloader" will be out of town until then, so he won't be getting in anyway... presumably no one else will be stopping by either. At this point, maybe I don't want to know how many people have been our guests without our knowledge. It's awful enough to think that I may have slept in a bed that had been used by others - YUCK!

I appreciate all of the support in this. It's clear that there ought to be expectations in place for our vacation home, and we should have sat down with all of the key-mongers a long time ago. I was feeling like I was being unreasonable before when I asked my husband to limit access to ourselves and OUR invited guests while we were there and not just hand out keys. Now I think he's just trying to avoid a conflict or hard feelings... which I am sure will pass in time. Bottom line - we need to regain control of our place.

I actually saw something on eBay that is pretty slick. It's a motion detector that connects to your phone line and will call you on the phone if motion is detected at your place. It's a lot less than the keypad locks, and maybe worth a try for a temporary solution.

[s_cianci]

I have considered just calling a locksmith, but that would cause another set of problems!

Call the locksmith and let it cause the problems. Your place is your place and you are under no obligation to share it with anyone, family or otherwise. Just tell everyone that you're changing the rules and that it's no longer "open house" at your vacation home. You decide who you're going to invite and when and that's that.

[lacuran8626]

Change the locks and don't invite the jerk back who has been using the place carte-blanche. I'd confront him about it, as well.

If someone has the audacity to ask or worse yet - just expect - you for a key or free reign over your home, my answer, I would not explain myself at all. I would just say, "we would no sooner give you a key to our home than to ask for a key to yours."

[Picassa]

I am SO tempted to say something like that, but part of me thinks it would just give him greater satisfaction, because that's how he is. He'll then act like we're being mean and unfair, and try harder with his manipulative tactics. If we stay casual and just make it really difficult and complicated for him to visit (only when we're there and let him in with the only key/code/whatever) then there won't be family folklore to have to refute at a future gathering.

The comment about getting a key to his home made me laugh. He and his wife bought a new house last April and we've never been invited over to see it!

[mldubose]

It makes me wonder what other family members he's manipulated. Maybe they don't even know he's been "working them". He might even be considered charming and sociable.

He sounds like a sociopath. They're not all serial killers. There are actually about 300,000 sociopaths in the US alone. No conscience, no empathy. They can steal from you, manipulate you and have no guilt whatsoever. But try to stand up to them, and they will try to make it seem like it's all your fault. Or that you misinterpreted things. And they will have their allies go to bat for them to make you seem like the crazy one.

You sound like someone who tries to handle your life with grace, good sense, and good manners. It's a shame that he's taken advantage of your kindness and generosity like this. And it may make you a little jaded about human nature after this, but people like him can make you doubt your own ability to judge what's real and what isn't. That's why they're so harmful.