[oneguyinohio]

I have noticed that I have a strong personal bias against people who cheat in relationships. I hear people talking up their "activities, and it makes me disgusted with them. I often feel like I have no use for these types of people in my life.

I know their decisions do not reflect on me, but am trying to figure out if it is normal that such information makes me feel total repulsion? People could be a stranger that I overhear, a co-worker, etc...

How do counselors get past their own bias??

[bushg]

I think you will realize that they have short comings as humans. That there is a flaw in the way they feel about themselves , that makes them want to have 1 on the side just in case.
Most of it is just ta63lk to justify their actions they figure if they make it look good or try to find a reason why it is OK... well then their OK.

[N0help4u]

I can understand how you feel. Actually while many people think they are normal because they justify their actions with 'everybody does it' I would say you are the one that is 'normal' for knowing it is not normal.
I wish more people still knew what it is like to have morals, integrity, dignity and so forth.
It just seems to me that today's society seems to think their life should be another episode of Friends. Society doesn't teach get to know the guy first. Ask important questions like what do you want in life, in a relationship, where do you see yourself 5-10 years from now? Society has somehow conditioned many that it is normal to jump from one partner to another and cheating is no big deal. I know many girls that start having babies by the time they are 14 and on their 4th by the time they are 20 and all to different dads. Some girls bring a guy home the day they met them and tell their kids "This is your new daddy"
They go through more daddys in a year than they have pairs of shoes. So I can understand what you mean by *repulsion*

I always dreamed of the happly ever after with the kids, a house, a good career and pets.
And little did I know that around the time I got married it went from the happily ever after to the guy you married turns out to be bi-polar (had no idea of what that was in the early 80's), kids with ADHD (never heard of that until my kids were in grade school), and divorce (that was something that Liz Taylor did).
By the time I got married life went from the picket fence to upside down. So even though
I agree with what you are saying. I know how many women are deceived by bi-polar guys that some how manage to come off as their Knight in shining armor until they get sucked into a relationship that they end up not knowing how to get out of.
I guess what I am saying is while I can tell them 'yeah been there done that'
You can tell them something with more of a vision or a hope from your perspective.

[Wondergirl]

How do counselors get past their own bias???????

Counselors don't/can't/won't/aren't supposed to judge their clients. That's not the point of therapy, and we know it. Many of us had training in Rogerian therapy (Carl Rogers). Unconditional positive regard of the client is one of the three major emphases.

We work with such a huge variety of people, from thieves to abusers to cheaters to liars to adulterers to alcoholics to you name it -- probably many of the people you see at the grocery store or at church or at the library. Clients are ministers, cops, doctors, teachers, gas station attendants, and construction workers. All are real people who live their lives as best they can but sometimes fail miserably. In grad school, we each become a real client and find out how it feels. Empathy and respect prevent us from judging our clients.

[oneguyinohio]

I always dreamed of the happly ever after with the kids, a house, a good career and pets.


I think you may have hit on something very specific here for me... I too had that dream... but when my dream was smashed in a divorce that I did not want... well I must be holding some strong emotions related to commitments.

You mentioned ADHD children and Bipolar father... I was recently told that there are some reports that there may be some link that ADHD children may be more prone to bipolar disorder with age... I don't know if it is true or not, but wondered if you had heard anything along those lines?

[Wondergirl]

Oneguy --

[ADHD and bipolar] share many characteristics: impulsivity, inattention, hyperactivity, physical energy, behavioral and emotional lability (behavior and emotions change frequently), frequent coexistence of conduct disorder and oppositional-defiant disorder, and learning problems. Motor restlessness during sleep may be seen in both (children who are bipolar are physically restless at night when "high or manic," though they may have little physical motion during sleep when "low or depressed"). Family histories in both conditions often include mood disorder. -- from adhdnews.com

From Adult attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: recognition and treatment in general adult psychiatry -- ASHERSON et al. 190 (1): 4 -- The British Journal of Psychiatry --

"A good deal of the justification for this therapeutic activity is the demonstration that ADHD is a predictor of adult mental health problems. Furthermore, effective treatment with stimulant medication increases the immediate value of the clinical diagnosis (Taylor et al, 2004). General adult psychiatry, however, has not yet followed suit in identifying and treating substantial numbers of affected people. Yet it is likely that an increasing load in adult psychiatry will develop. Young people are entering adult life while still receiving medication for ADHD, and adult psychiatrists are needed to take over psychiatric treatment when symptoms persist. An increasing number of adults are recognising themselves – or being recognised by family members, general practitioners, probation officers, drug and alcohol specialists, psychologists and others – as being disabled by ADHD and requiring assistance. In addition there is a pool of adult psychiatric patients in whom the diagnosis of ADHD has gone unrecognised and for whom treatments put in place for alternative diagnoses, such as anxiety, depression, cyclothymia and personality disorder, are ineffective."

Google "ADHD becomes adult bipolar" (without quote marks) and other keyword combinations to find more information about that.

[oneguyinohio]

Thanks wondergirl. I have a M.Ed. In Rehabilitation Counseling

I'm very familiar with the coursework you mentioned.

As for personal bias, the instruction was to be aware of your own bias, but not much on how to get past it.

As I recall, the advice was to have another counselor handle the case so your bias doesn't interfere with treatment if you can't put it aside.

These are some issues I'm dealing with as I decide about trying to become a professor in the field of teaching people how to become counselors.

[Wondergirl]

One of my very favorite classes in grad school was "The Therapist as a Problem." (We students renamed it "The Therapist IS a Problem.") We discussed transference and counter-transference, among many other things, and of course personal bias. I still have the syllabus and various handouts and papers on file and will dig them out if you are interested in what we did in that class.

Knowing your issues might help too, but of course don't post what's too personal.

[oneguyinohio]

Biggest one is cheating and relationship abandonment stuff...

I'm specifically interested in overcoming bias. I understand the transference and all of that. I recognize bias, but hard to change opinions. Maybe I just need to practice more. Knowing that people come from different places and all and that though I don't agree, I can still relate...

I have no problems doing that in some areas. For example gay relationships do not bother me if that is what other people want to do. I can accept theft, drugs, etc even though I feel it is a path to messing up one's life... without the same negative feelings that hit when the cheating issue pops up. It's not a religious issue for me.

Again it is probably because of feeling like I was cheated or something when my ex did what she felt she had to with divorce...

[Wondergirl]

So counter-transference would be very strong if a client needed counseling after getting dumped or cheated on.

Would the gender of the client matter?

[oneguyinohio]

Probably females would be the issue for me. I know it stems from the ex ending our relationship and me having no say... personal hurt and all

[Wondergirl]

Perhaps it would be good to resolve this in counseling. I was going to add that it might be good to see someone you don't know, but that wouldn't have to be the case.

I suspect you haven't really worked through this, have you.

[oneguyinohio]

Feelings on it come and go... trying to resolve the personal feelings and sometimes come to terms that it was what she felt was best for her... but still no closure for what it did to me. I will look into seeing someone.

[Wondergirl]

I wish you well. Closure is so important, and something we don't always get--or give.

[N0help4u]

I always dreamed of the happly ever after with the kids, a house, a good career and pets.

I think you may have hit on something very specific here for me... I too had that dream... but when my dream was smashed in a divorce that I did not want.... well I must be holding some strong emotions related to commitments.

You mentioned ADHD children and Bipolar father.... I was recently told that there are some reports that there may be some link that ADHD children may be more prone to bipolar disorder with age.... I don't know if it is true or not, but wondered if you had heard anything along those lines?

Yes I always believed there is a direct link to bi-polar and ADHD because my ex turned out to be bi-polar and my sons ADHD.
My point about dreams being shattered is that I notice some here who do seem to put down the OP with generalizations that they made the *stupid decision* now they *have to live with it* because they *made their bed*. Problem is, as I have been saying is that people and time does change things. You think things are going great only to find out they tell you they aren't the same person and they want out or that they never were who they made you believe they were.

Well I must be holding some strong emotions related to commitments. ---Yes and that is a good thing.

[frangipanis]

My current partner of a relatively short time (7 months) was cheated on by his first wife of 17 years and was able to forgive her at the time. He saw her as being the victim of a sexual predator, and put his marriage ahead of feeling cheated on. However, although they had a couple of good years afterwards, their marriage eventually broke-down.

After their divorce, he fell in love with a woman who he strongly felt was the love of his life, and again he gave his all. Over a two year period, she left him seven times, was physically violent towards him, and cheated on him. It left him feeling used and utterly depressed.

We met several months after he made a firm commitment to himself that he was going to turn his life around in a positive way.

As I was blatantly lied to and felt cheated on by ex and was similarly dumbfounded, a reason my current partner and I are happy to be together, is that we both feel safe with each other. We genuinely like and trust each other, and are in love. Even if we can't make a promise yet to be together forever, we're both satisfied that at no point would we ever let someone else come between us, or run away with someone else as being a reason for us not staying together.

What surprises me is that he is physically attractive, intelligent, has a great sense of humor, is a natural provider. Protects the people he loves, has always been there for his kids, and is very loving. And he still has a strong sense of commitment to being faithful to one person, the same as I do. He's a great catch for any woman, in other words.

What makes some people cheat on their partner while others don't would make an interesting study. For my part, it is reassuring to know that there are people who really do want to experience love and intimacy in their life with one person. You might find you start to get over the hurt of having been betrayed, when you rediscover in yourself a sense of hope that your emotional needs can still be fulfilled.