[scrulez]

I've been married for 10 yrs now. We have a 9 year old daughter. The marriage has been topsy turvy to say the least, but we've stuck it out to this point. However, my wife (and daughter) have been gone for the last year and a half taking care of her "ill" parents. I've basically been laft alone to take care of myself and meanwhile paying her bills. My wife seems to be satisfied with a part time marriage with her focus more on her parents. Her parents basically have come right out and said that they want no one else taking care of them but my wife. My wife basically has been become disinterested in the marriage except when it benefits her. Any suggestions??

[twinkiedooter]

How far away do the parents live and why is she taking care of them? Are they both ill, or just one? The main thing here is are you happy with this arrangement. Sounds like you want your family back living with you. Is there any possibility that you could move closer to parents in the same town and have your wife live at your house and just go tend them during the day? There are several avenues to take before you decide on the big "D" word here. Just because they don't want anyone else taking care of them sounds fishy to me. Are there any other children other than just your wife? Do you go and visit your wife regularly or not at all?

[scrulez]

Thanks for the response. Her parents live 500 miles away so it s been a long distance marriage for almost 2 years now. We try to see each other about every 4-6 weeks. I can't move down there since I am in the military. So I have to stay where I am. Her Dad needs more of the daily care than her Mom. Her Mom just won't do it because she is lazy and she uses her 'ailing back" as an excuse. She can get up and move around when she wants to. She basically just wants my wife there to take care of them, so I think think she stays out of guilt. The are 2 siblings that live down there as well but they don't do crap to help out. Like I said, the marriage has not been the greatest and this doesn't help. My family is absolutely furious with the situation and want me to file yesterday

[oneguyinohio]

Before you file, has the option been considered to have the parents move your way and live in your home? They naturally may not be willing... Sounds like she is not too well liked by your family, and families have a way of seeing things one sidedly... right or wrong is a matter of opinion.

Talk to her and see if she thinks the marriage is worth working on or not, but you'd have to do it in a way so as to not make her feel that you are forcing her to choose between you and her family... ultimatums usually only drive a person away...

What do you want? Not your family or hers, but the two of you?

[twinkiedooter]

If there are other brothers and sisters in the picture I suggest they get off their lazy you know what's and pitch in. I have seen this scenerio many times and when one sister does it all, they just let her and sit back and pick, pick, pick. If mama is lazy also and claims bad back, hmmmm, I think she didn't like the fact that her daughter got married at all either and wants her baby back home.

If dad just needs day care there are plenty of good home health care people who can come in and take care of him during the day. You didn't say he was terminal, just ill. His illness would have to be terminal for her to be there that long. You didn't mention their ages or the infirmities.

If you want your wife back, I would highly recommend you going down there as soon as possible and actually engaging a home health care service to come out to the home and see exactly how much "care" old dad actually needs. This way you can tell your wife that if her sister or brother don't want to take care of dad, she has a service that will help take care of them. You need to get her back home where she belongs with you. You are her husband, not her doormat, honey. If you're in the military I know you probably have guys under you that you tell them what to do and they do it, so why are you being so shy about your wife? You wear the pants in the family, not her.

Your family is furious at you for obvious reasons. Even though your marriage is not the greatest - it's something. And if you want it to continue you need to do some heavy thinking right now and start picking up the phone and calling the home health service places in the city they are in, shopping around for rates and just what they will do for her folks when in the home and lastly after you have gotten that info with prices, etc. Call up your wife and tell her you will be down there asap and straighten this whole mess out. Don't take no for an answer either. Stick to your guns if you want her back.

[scrulez]

He is in his mid 70's and the mom is in her late 60's. Yes, I do believe her Mom wants her baby there. That's why we spend most of the Holidays at her parents and a little at mine. Anyway, her father has diabetes and heart disease, but nothing terminal. He has to have blood sugar/pressure checked everyday. Her Mom had back surgey about 2 years ago (thats when this all started) and still hasn't fully recovered. My wife has checked into home health care and has told me: a. they can't afford it b. hospice will not come out because of the certain medication he is on c. my opinion, they just don't want it.

They do have a nurse that comes twice a week for one hour, that's it.

Its hard for me to say anything to her about the situation because she is so defensive and emotional about it

What makes this tough too is my daughter. If it wasn't for her I would probably have left along time ago. But now after watching her Mom's behavior, she thinks its OK to be away from Daddy and I am not that important in her life. But her Granny and Papa walk on water

[twinkiedooter]

Ah ha. Understand a bit more. It's hard on you more so than her at this point.

Back operations are no fun, but by now mom should have fully recovered and as you suspect she's just having fun now having daughter wait on her.

The part about the health care is baloney as it costs too much. Sez who? And like you said they probably don't want it. Hospice won't come out as basically a person has to be terminal so at least that part is correct. But to take someone's blood pressure and diabetes stick is not a big deal. He can do that himself with a stick meter that can be used on the arm and not just the finger tip and one of those battery blood pressure machines now on the market that are easy for a person to do for themselves.

What possible scenerio does the wife entertain as far as how long this will go on. Has she ever given you a timetable. Probably not. Also you said you were paying her bills as well. Gosh, what a great set up she has to be sure now. I guess she doesn't work either or had worked when she was with you. How sad if she didn't and doesn't now as she's been essentially over pampered for years. She sure knows how to play the game though when it comes to successfully fending you off by getting emotional. Women's ploys, hahaha. I'm a woman and can spot them instantly. (An old one at that)

I'm not saying this is your fault or making fun of you by any means so please don't take offense with me. It's just I have seen so many of these situations in the past and the inevitable outcomes are almost identical.

Seriously, you sound like a very nice guy as I know a lot of men would not have put up with this situation for as long as you have and keep their cool. You care about your daughter and have enough foresight to see that she's just being a kid and going along with the picture as you are not around enough to make a difference. Out of sight out of mind in this case. She has her mother to keep telling her what to do and she's probably having a lot of fun being the darling of the family there as well.

If the nurse comes in twice a week that is more than sufficient for the dad as heart disease is something that does not change in a big hurry overnight. It just gets progressively worse very slowly and the person can live a long life with heart disease and diabetes. The only thing would be the daily diabetes stick as the blood pressure does not need to be taken daily. Twice a week is more than suffient. My mom was a nurse for literally 50 years and had heart problems so I know all about heart problems as she lived with me and my family for the last 10 years of her life. She was 80 when she died. I'd take her to the doctors and discuss her problems, get her medicines, etc.

That only leaves the cooking, cleaning, food shopping, and meal preparation. That would require a housekeeper and not a home health service. This would be doable if it meant having someone come in for a few hours a day. That would be much, much cheaper also. Also if mom is just in her 60's she could more than easily give dad his medicine on time in case he forgets.

They could be looked after by a housekeeper if your wife truly wanted it as mom doesn't need any special care. Back surgeries are not the end of the world and if you say she can get up and get around then she essentially doesn't need any care.

Like you said, they don't want anyone else taking care of them and if your wife has not discussed just when (if ever) she is coming back, then I do think it's time to seriously start thinking over just what YOU want to do. Do you want to continue essentially living alone having the long distance marriage? Do you want to stop this before you end up doing this for the next 10 years or until one or both of her parents die off? It's up to you where you see yourself in the next few years.

[kraz]

If a wife wanted to be with her husband and keep the family together, she would be moving heaven and earth to make sure it happens.

Sorry, to me it appears your wife just wants it her way, why should she come back and be a wife to you when she is where she wants to be. It looks like she isn't making any reasonable attempt to permanently come home to you, why should she, when you continue to pay her bills and allow her to keep the miles between your family.

She has distanced your daughter from you, she makes feeble excuses to stay with her parents.

You said If it wasn't for your daughter, you would probably have left along time ago. But now after watching her Mom's behavior, she thinks its OK to be away from Daddy and I am not that important in her life. But her Granny and Papa walk on water.

That is so heartbreaking, that you and your daughters relationship is suffering.

Twinkiedooter is right, can you honestly see yourself living like this for the next how many years? Ultimatums usually back fire, but I think you know what her answer will be. Is a divorce a real option for you, if not get a solid commitment from your wife, maybe give her a time frame (a very short one too), if she thought you were serious would that get her to come home, does she need a wake up call? Or is she actually waiting for you to make the first move and request a divorce?

You can't put your life on hold like this, I think you have been extremely patient with her and her parents, she needs to thinks about the family the two of you have, you are entitled to happiness.

Sorry for being blunt or if I have offended you.