[prettyinpink88]

My boyfriend has recently expressed his sexual desires and fanatasies and me being the way I was I was slightly horrified. I enjoy sex now its great, I never imagined to be having it everyday but I guess you have to adapt when your in a relationship, at the moment we really do make love and look in to one anothers eyes, kiss etc etc.

However he told me he wants it to be more dirty. He fanatasies are to ejaculate in my mouth, on my face, for me to talk dirty during sex, for me to dress up as a sexy secretary or a naughty school girl etc etc (the list is endless). For me I feel slightly more uncomfortable with this, and I can't help but wonder if he is saying this as he knows he took my virginity so therefore I don't know any difference.

What are your opinions on this, he did say even if we were to have more dirty sex that we would always have to do the usual missionary so he could feel the love and passion, but he just really gets turned on by dirty sex.

I have a horrible feeling he is influenced by his friends and maybe by porn, although he is not addicted to this and would never choose porn over me, he's returned the porn to his friends since being with me, but it worries me that his friends may have corrupted him, as I don't know if he would have been like tha having not met them.

Can anyone let me know if talking dirty, role plays, toys etc are the usual and normal sexual behavior or whether he his using my inexperience to his advantage?

Maybe I should tell him I'm not as keen, but to compromise I will do it for him every now and again, say in a free house or something, or when we go away? How would that sound?

Dressing up just really bothers me as I'm quite shy and REALLY do not have a dirty mind in the slightest, but at first when he told me to wear sexy lingerie and stockings I freaked out, but now I love that?

Please help, I take sex seriously and I don't want to be an object!

[Moomin]

Ok my lovely, first thing is first... Do NOT, I repeat NOT do anything you are not comfortable with!

Honestly I don't think his friends or porn have influenced him and it's their "fault"! In my experience it is just men!

Now, I personally know my limits - what I like and what I don't and my handsome man respects that!

You said you didn't think you'd enjoy dressing up in stockings etc but you did... so I guess one small step at a time? But I don't think there is any sinister motive on your other halves part!

Sometimes the key is talking and telling him how you feel!

Hope this helps?

[prettyinpink88]

thanks so much moomin, a real help! =)
I think my problem is because I'm shy and quiet I often underestimate myself, but I seem to have this belief that what I said above is not normal.

please could you tell me if it is, I mean the whole dressing up, dirty talk etc, are a lot of men like that? And do women get dressed up and have fun with toys etc and be really dirty?

also is it normal that every time he sees me he can't keep his hands off me, and gets hard every time, and horny. I mean don't get me wrong I'm getting into sex slowly, but I never expected to be having it as much as I do.

[Moomin]

A few questions...

How old are you both hun?
How long have you been together?
Does he know you lost your virginity to him?

I think it is quite common the whole dressing up thing but again - if you're not comfortable doing it then don't! It does NOT make you a prude or anything like that! I think toys, dressing up etc isn't every woman's cup of tea but you have to find what you are comfortable with!

It makes me feel great when my fella can't keep his hands off me but I understand how important other things like talking are! Lol! You need to find the balance, I'm sure this will happen in time!

[prettyinpink88]

I'm 20 he is nearly 22. We have been together 5 months now, we started having sex after 1 and a bit months (which was really soon) and yes he knows everything, as I had never even been in a relationship before, so he knows all that yes!

Thanks for your help, you're a star! Really appreciate it! :D

[JoeCanada76]

Fantasies are just that. Should be kept fantasies. It is possible that he is influenced by porn. Porn is everywhere now a days.

Never do anything your uncomfortable with, never. If he can not except that or pushes you then you need to make a decision on what is your next decision to make.

[Moomin]

I'm sure if you talk and keep in control of things it will all be great!

;)

[ukbertie]

Hi
First of all before you met him what did you think about whilst you masturbated ?
Fantasies are just that most men dream about what they would like to do but rarley get the chance to act them out .
My husband would ask me to dress up in stockings etc when we first met but like you I was very nervous but now I've ome to enjoy it with him but on my terms
Don't feel you have to do anything just to keep him !

[Synnen]

All of that stuff is normal.

It may not be something YOU like--but only YOU can determine what you like and are comfortable with.

Many women I know have clothes they bought themselves to dress up for their husbands/boyfriends to turn them on. I know a lot of women with toys--it really is up to YOU, you know.

However:

What concerns me here is that it's your first relationship, and that you had sex so soon into it... and now he's pressuring you for MORE? Ummm... THAT seems odd to me. Honestly--why not just tell him to slow down and let you get used to what you're doing NOW before you jump into anything new?

[smoothy]

I agree with Synnen in all these things are normal for one person or other. Not everyone will like any or all of them but some will. Now what he did was express his fantasies to you as I understand it. He wasn't demanding or even expecting you to do them all. Key here is do only what you are comfortable with, if you wish, not because someone demands you do them.

Also if you just started getting intimate together it does seem a bit out of place. If you were in a years long relationship or married it would be more typical.

Now if I and others have misunderstood his revealing of his fantasies to you with him demanding you do all these things that changes everything. That would be very uncool.

[Choux]

Move on... you're in the clutches of a selfish manipulator; you're *too young* and inexperienced to be in this kind of situation. After he's finished with you and you are sitting there with ejaculate dripping off your nose, how abused will you feel then? Really abused! The next step is him wanting to spit in your mouth... then golden showers.

This guy may have turned himself into a sex addict by watching way too much pornography. While you are young you must now develop your own sexuality... know what pleasures you! Don't get sidetracked into being some guys porn toy. There are plenty of good sex partners out there when you are young. :)

Best wishes in the coming months.

[Moomin]

Move on........you're in the clutches of a selfish manipulator; you're *too young* and inexperienced to be in this kind of situation. After he's finished with you and you are sitting there with ejaculate dripping off your nose, how abused will you feel then?? Really abused!! The next step is him wanting to spit in your mouth....then golden showers.

This guy may have turned himself into a sex addict by watching way too much pornography. While you are young you must now develop your own sexuality.....know what pleasures you! Don't get sidetracked into being some guys porn toy. There are plenty of good sex partners out there when you are young. :)

Best wishes in the coming months.

Don't you think there are more "tactful" ways of putting this?

[Choux]

This is my cleaned up version. :)

Could you show me what you mean by rewriting a "tactful" answer using my debate points? That would be very interesting for me to read.

Note: I believe in speaking directly. It is my style.


Have a delightful weekend!

[Synnen]

I'd just like to point out that having my husband finish on my face is a TURN ON for me--not "dirty" or "abused".

Different strokes for different folks, you know.

If someone isn't comfortable with it, they have to say no, and their partner has to respect it--but talking about what turns you one SHOULD happen in a relationship---just as respecting that it does NOT turn your partner on and will not happen because of that SHOULD happen.

Communication is the key, not whether a specific act is "denegrating" or "abusive".

Some people actually get off on being humiliated, you know. I'm not one of them, and you're obviously not either--but that's why talking about fantasies is actually important in a relationship.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you are too inexperinced with sex to be getting into that stuff. He is your boyfriend of what a few months and he is wanting to reinact porn with you?
You do what you feel comfortable with but I think it is too early in your relationship. He took your virginity and now he wants dirty sex. That is a bit much IMO

[the engineer]

I agree with what Moomin said, however, it is important to make your man's dreams come true.. He is just being an honest man who does not want to have a secret life somewhere else.. You should appreciate that, otherwise it can get really boring. However, do not force yourself into things that you cannot stand, because he will feel it and the both of you will end up feeling bad about yourselves.. enjoy...

[Homegirl 50]

He has been her "man" for 5 months. Please. He is really rushing things. If he went elsewhere after this short period cause she would not let him ejaculate on her face, she was used from the get.
Young lady, take it slow and do nothing you don't feel comfortable with. You don't really know this young man.

[oneguyinohio]

Yep, he should slow down for her. She is the one who is inexperienced... and has her own set of things she is interested in... It seems like he is a bit more experienced and wants to get her up to some place where she isn't ready to be... I hope that place is not where he left off with his last woman...

Might be just a lot of ideas from the porn that he is eager to try out.

[Choux]

She's a young, inexperienced girl. A girl's dream is not to be abused, it is to be loved and cared for, and it is certainly not her responsibility to make her boyfriend's(sexual predator)dreams come true... dreams of abuse!

There is a big difference between a 20 year old woman who is just starting her adult life and a 35 year old woman who has overcome naïveté about life and, also, has developed her sexual tastes!


Cordially,

[kp2171]

Just piling on, its all been said.

At one point in your life sex was dirty. Bad. A girl who engaged in it was a "slut"

And at some point it usually becomes not such a bad idea.

We naturally progress through a series of adjustments. People who love being tied up probably didn't think about that when they had their first thoughts about having sex.

Is it normal? There are so many degrees of "normal"... and unfortunately, I think guys are wired to desire what they haven't had...

Is he off the deep end... most of what you said can be called "common" in some homes... and in some homes itd be seen as extreme.

Personally I think you are dead on... he's getting ideas from friends and from porn. He sees it and thinks it looks like a blast. Understand, much of sex... and I'm talking good sex... is mental.

You might like how it feels physically, but if you aren't there mentally, well... you are going through the motions.

So... the problem is that he might not be all that out there, but you aren't anywhere near him.

And you shouldn't force yourself where you don't want to be.

Like I said... its common to go through an unsure phase concerning sex... you think about something before you try it.

I think you need to tell him his fantasies are fine, but yours aren't there yet... and if he isn't willing to appreciate what he has, maybe its not the best fit.

Be willing to experiment within your morals and your comfort. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed.