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jodall · Jan 1, 2006, 09:55 AM

My boyfriend (of 17 months) got together with his almost exwife and grown children for Christmas and they all exchanged gifts. I know that she wants him back, but I am sure he does not want to get back with her. I didn't mind the gathering because it is being good to his kids.

After the gathering I asked him what gifts were exchanged. He told me that he gave her a tool kit and she gave him a bird calendar. On New Years Eve, he came over to my home wearing a beautiful fleece jacket. I asked him if it was new. He said it was and it was a Christmas gift. Then I found out it was from his soon to be ex wife. He first acted surprised and said "I told you about this." Then he later admitted that he didn't want to tell me about it because he knew I would not like it.

I personally see this as lying. He left out the information. He told me that the one thing that he will never, ever do to me is to lie. He said that he can promise me that as long as we are together. I was happy about that and did feel very secure. Now I wonder If I can trust him.

Am I over reacting? I do feel jealous that she gave him that jacket, because I find it a somewhat romantic gift, especially since that is what he gave to me for Christmas. I know he meant well, but I still don't like it. What do you think?

fredg · Jan 1, 2006, 10:11 AM

Hi, Jodall,
I am sure you both have talked about his "almost ex-wife" many times during the last 17 months. This is a tricky one, because she is not yet his ex.
You might be being a little "over sensitive" thinking he was lying to you. Not telling everything about something is not really lying.
If you ask him a specific question, and you know he isn't telling you the truth, then that's lying.
I've been married now for 28 yrs to a wonderful woman, and we share everything. But, learning about marriage and having a wonderful relationship only comes with time. Personally, I wouldn't be too concerned if he doesn't tell you every little thing he knows.
The transition for him right now is difficult. I was divorced after my first marriage, 7 yrs. It took almost 2 years before I was serious with a lady, for my second marriage.
Just keep hanging in there, and you both will learn a lot about each other. I do wish you the best. Happy New Year!!
PS; You also have to face the fact that if you are really serious about him, you will have to deal with his children at times, his problems, and his thoughts after she becomes his "real ex"!

Chery · Jan 1, 2006, 10:18 AM

Originally Posted by jodall

My boyfriend (of 17 months) got together with his almost exwife and grown children for Christmas and they all exchanged gifts. I know that she wants him back, but I am sure he does not want to get back with her. I didn't mind the gathering because it is being good to his kids.

After the gathering I asked him what gifts were exchanged. He told me that he gave her a tool kit and she gave him a bird calendar. On New Years Eve, he came over to my home wearing a beautiful fleece jacket. I asked him if it was new. He said it was and it was a Christmas gift. Then I found out it was from his soon to be ex wife. He first acted surprised and said "I told you about this." Then he later admitted that he didn't want to tell me about it because he knew I would not like it.

I personally see this as lying. He left out the information. He told me that the one thing that he will never, ever do to me is to lie. He said that he can promise me that as long as we are together. I was happy about that and did feel very secure. Now I wonder If I can trust him.

Am I over reacting? I do feel jealous that she gave him that jacket, because I find it a somewhat romantic gift, especially since that is what he gave to me for Christmas. I know he meant well, but I still don't like it. What do you think?

How has your relationship been so far? You both invested a lot of time and emotion by now and you should be able to tell if he did this to spare you during the holidays or just wanted to avoid the stress. Did he say later that he got the jacket from just her, or the entire 'family'? Maybe the kids had something to do with this too - you never know. Anyway, I would also like to know when the divorce will be final, wouldn't you? There are too many questions still open, but you have been together for long enough to be able to talk to each other and 'feel' how you fit. What does your heart tell you? If he has grown children, then I can assume he's a bit older than you are, and probably has finished his 'game playing stage', so I would tell him that you are a little unsure so that he can have the chance to reassure you and let you know exactly where you stand. I wish you all the luck and hope you get this straightened out.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Chery · Jan 1, 2006, 10:25 AM

Looks like you beat me to it by a few minutes, and I am glad you added your man's point of view. Very nice and sensitive answer.
Happy New Year to you!

jodall · Jan 1, 2006, 10:32 AM

Thanks so much for replying. I know I am sensitive about all of this because yes, the divorce seems to have been taking forever. He didn't want to hurt his kids, so he was slow in getting it going. He doesn't like confrontation.
The jacket was just from her. I know he had good intentions by not wanting to hurt me, but I would rather that he is honest with me and tell me rather than avoiding it. I still see leaving out information as a form of lying. He and I are very, very close and I am sure we will get married. I didn't like it that the way he decided to let me know about the jacket was to wear it. The divorce should be completed in 2 months. In addition, I just don't like his ex trying to get him back. She keeps inviting him to things. He has been honest in telling me about all the emails she sends and everything. I don't see this is a deal breaker or anything, it just puts a little damper on things.

nwsflash · Jan 1, 2006, 10:43 AM

My view on this ( as a guys :) ) is that he kept it from you as he did not want to hurt your feelings or make problems with you and him, as with most choice's that we make as guys sometimes they always seem to back fire and bite you on the ***...

I would say that your best bet to get to the bottom of the matter is to invite him over to yours, and be as honist and open as you can to how this problem has made you feel... You have both been with one another for a while now, I'm sure you can both be adults and talk matters over... I know if it was me I'd want to clear the air and move on as soon as I could with the problem solved rather than keeping it in the back of my mind to blow up one day in a row.

Im sure its just a big miss understanding

Chery · Jan 1, 2006, 10:45 AM

The ex will always try to involve him in things one way or the other, even after the divorce. You will need to trust him and have the feeling of his full support to gain the strength to handle it, and you said he shows you the correspondence and tells you most other things, so give it time. She, unfortunately will never disappear, but you can change your attitude to prevent stress in YOUR home and heart. That's what happens when one partner or both have been married before, and they have to adjust to those little inconveniences or seek a relationship with someone who has not had previous ties. My daughter is almost in the same situation, and is expecting a baby now - but I know he's there for her all the way and can't wait for his 'ex' to move out of the country as she's in the military. My daughter and he have the strength together to handle the situation, and I hope you will also get through this. If your bond is strong, nobody can break it. Good luck again, dear, and keep us posted.

nwsflash · Jan 1, 2006, 11:03 AM

jodall please do call him. Its better to deal with it now then later.

jeffatl · Jan 1, 2006, 03:27 PM

Guys do stupid stuff like this all the time, this is why I am ALWAYS honest. True, he didn't want to upset you but he really just made the situation worse. You know he doesn't want her back, so I wouldn't worry about this too much. He does have kids with her, so you will have to get used to this kind of thing happening a lot. Goodluck and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

talaniman · Jan 1, 2006, 09:04 PM

Just a few questions if you've been dealing with this man for 17months was he separated when you met him or was he still with his wife?:cool:

nymphetamine · Jan 2, 2006, 10:13 AM

I think your man can be trusted. I do however think that it is not wise to celebrated christmas with just him and the kids and the ex wife. Yes its good that he and she spend time with their children at christmas but its also confusing to the children and the ex wife. The children do not need to be given any reason to think mommy and daddy will stay together and the ex wife doesn't need to be confused any further than she already is. I have been in the new woman shoes and I am currently in the very soon (yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!) to be ex wife shoes. As far as I'm concerned I'm already divorced. I remember when my husband finally told me about his mistress and left me to be engaged to her. I was scared that I was losing my husband because I had hoped that things would get better (he was beating on me and cheating all the time) and I had still loved him so any little attention he gave me you can bet I was gloating about it. But now I know better and I have to say that I no longer feel anything for him. She is probably just scared and its just ego thing that all ex women get. She's just scared and feels bad. She needs a man to console her but not yours. Maybe you can send her one next christmas.

s_cianci · Jan 2, 2006, 08:32 PM

The fact that he could not tell you upfront something as innocuous as a gift he received for Christmas certainly posts a red flag. Furthermore, I have to wonder just what is the nature of the relationship between him and his "soon-to-be" ex-wife. Although one might buy the argument that he wanted to visit with his kids for Christmas and his soon-to-be ex has to come with the deal, as your post suggests he and his soon-to-be ex are exchanging what seem to amount to fairly intimate gifts, certainly not the type of gifts one would give just to be polite. You may want to have an open and honest chat with him about this. Tell him flat out that you're concerned about the fact that he and she are exchanging somewhat extravagant gifts and let him know that you cannot and will not play second fiddle to someone who's on the rebound from a soon-to-be dissolved marriage. You need to be #1 and will settle for nothing less. I am presuming that he and she are legally separated at this point and not living together. If he balks then you may need to decide to cool things for a while. 17 months is not a particularly long time for someone who was married enough years to have almost-grown children. You may be rushing too hastily into things, given the circumstances. I'm not telling you to back off just yet, but if he becomes defensive when you express your concerns and can't seem to understand your point-of-view, then that may be your cue.

jodall · Jan 3, 2006, 06:09 AM

Thank you for your reply. I am glad that someone else thinks that the gifts are somewhat inappropriate. He said he gave her the 60 dollar tool kit so she would not get his tools in the settlement. I believe him. But, it really made me think when crankiebabie mentioned about the confusion that goes with getting togther and giving gifts. She was right on because right after that she went to HIS families gathering... univited by him, then she wanted him to drive with her and their daughter for the new years weekend and stay overnight with her relatives. Then have a family game night. His kids are in their late 20s and he was married 35 years. He told me that since I reacted so strongly about the jacket, that it isn't worth hiding anything from me. He thinks that it was a show for the kids by her. I do think she still wants him back, but I know he doesn't want her. I didn't call him for a day and he felt horrible about it. He was sincere in his apology. At first he was trying to blame her for giving him the gift that was going to make me feel bad. I told him that it wasn't about the gift it was how he didn't tell me about it, that was the problem. He finally agreed that it was his own fault for how he handled it.He said hiding things from me isn't worth it. He hasn't lived with her for 17 months. The good thing about this all, is that it has prompted him to print out all the divorce papers and get them ready for her to sign. He responded negatively to all of her invitations and then she was upset by that and has resigned to the fact that it is indeed over. But, I totally think crankiebabie hit it dead on... any little attention he gives her she goes overboard on. Yes, it is a red flag that he couldn't tell me about the gift. A red flag that he can't be honest with me. But, I think we got it resolved. He knew I would be hurt by it and he didn't want to tell me because of it. He is giving his jacket to his son, by the way. Or he will return it. He said he doesn't want to wear it, even though I said he could. But, really I wouldn't want him to, but I probably could get used to it. I think she also gave it to him, so he would wear it in front of me and he would have to say wear he got it. She is a manipulator like that. I talked to him last night about the gifts being over the top. He swears that his gift to her, were steel, cold tools, was only to let him keep his own set. I think that is right. He does love me and I can tell he doesn't love her. I asked him if he is hiding anything else. He says he isn't. Plus he has given me the passwords to his email accounts and tells me when she writes and lets me read them. So I am assured it is over for him and for her I think she is FINALLY ready to let go. However, one little kindess then she thinks they are on their way to getting back together. It is really annoying. I told him that I refuse to share him.I made it loud and clear how I feel about this. So, I think we are OK. I watch to see how he treats her, and I think that he is still kind which I think shows he is a decent and humane. I don't mind that. I am so happy with this forum. I wanted to talk to someone about this problem,but I didn't want to taint his reputation with my girlfriends, if it seemed like nothing. I appreciate the time and effort everyone has given me with their thoughts.

Chery · Jan 3, 2006, 10:04 AM

Jodall, you are welcome to 'air out' anything you want here with us, that's what we are here for. I thought that the kids were younger, but since they are over 20 - and probably have plans for their own lives already, you should not let this woman manipulate him into 'joining 'family games night'. They probably think this is 'tired' too, and only do this for her. Since you do have the passwords, and know her email address why not write her a note telling her it will no longer work for her to use the kids and to start living her own life and that you wish her well. Of course, let him know what you plan and ask him what he thinks - but that you intend your well-meaning rebuff. He is probably too humane, but as old as the kids are, he no longer needs to let her go overboard. He needs to concentrate on the both of you, and let her know that he will no longer be available for her little 'family' manipulatory activities and that the remainder of her family and friends need to accept it also. Good Luck, and of course keep us posted.

nwsflash · Jan 3, 2006, 11:04 AM

Jodall

Im really pleased :) that you both got to talk to one another and get things off your chest(s)... You know and he knows that his soon to be Ex wife is in the past over and done with, from what you have said about the Ex I get the feeling that she has not moved on with her own life yet and is trying to play games too set you both at one another... Big tip don't let her in our play games with you both because she is just out to make trouble.

And the move with the tool boxes is a guy thing LoL and hell yea its probley so she don't get her hands on his I would do the same, but have you thought he may have brought it for her so she can't say she ain't got tools and ask him to do odd jobs and pop around, as now he can "HELL NO" :D , use your own.

It sounds like your man has moved on and delt with the break up of him and his Ex, because he would never have moved on and got with you if he didn't feel that he was over her... Yea I agree that he was silly not to be upfront about the Ex and item but guys do really dum *** things sometimes like this because we think in our men brains that it is the right thing to do, and we think it won't make pain.

Its also good that you have put your cards down on the table and told him what's, what because at least you both have a clearer understanding of the way that you will be taking your life as a couple forwards.

talaniman · Jan 4, 2006, 12:17 AM

As much as you love this man you must realise he comes with a lot of baggage from his relatioship with his wife and grown children.She has his family and you need to know that he is bound to them very strongly from years before you two met! Make no mistake about it his ex would love to have him back!She will always be trying to undermine whatever you try to build with him,and you must realise that it is up to him to make a choice between his old life and his life with you.. What they had is not over so you must make up your mind if all this hassle is worth it or not!He has raised his family and his loyalty is very obviously toward his grown kids and you must make up YOUR mind if you are willing to accept his old life for what you think he is willing to give to you! If you think that this is the man for you then fine!You will be always dealing with his old life.Until HE makes up his mind then no matter what you think he will be always choosing his old life over the one that you really want! So the decision is yours and what are you willing to put up with! Good luck!:cool:

jodall · Jan 4, 2006, 07:53 PM

Hi I am so happy that so many people are giving me good advice. We had a really good talk and I do know that his wife absolutely knows where he stands. They will be signing the papers on Sunday and they will be notorized and mailed in. He also has to deal with my baggage of my husband's death and my three kids.(2 teens and a 7 year old) but, he is a kind and gentle soul and fits in very well with my family. I really like his children too. I think once the divorce is final, she will finally let go. I have known this man for 23 years, by the way. He is an honerable good person. I don't blame his wife for not wanting to give him up. But she is also an expert manipulator. Treated him terrible for years... until now!
Again thanks for all your advice. It says that I have to spread reputation around before I could comment on posts what does that mean?
Jodall

s_cianci · Jan 4, 2006, 07:59 PM

It sounds like you're handling everything well. Best of luck to the two of you.

nymphetamine · Jan 4, 2006, 08:02 PM

Don't worry about it. The stupid thing will tell me Ive given out too much rep in the last 24 hrs when I haven't been on the computer all day or tell me I need to give more rep before giving it to so and so again when its my first time giving so and so any rep. I think this danged machine is messed up. :D Happy things are working out for you.

Chery · Jan 5, 2006, 06:56 AM

Originally Posted by jodall

Hi I am so happy that so many people are giving me good advice. We had a really good talk and I do know that his wife absolutely knows where he stands. They will be signing the papers on Sunday and they will be notorized and mailed in. He also has to deal with my baggage of my husband's death and my three kids.(2 teens and a 7 year old) but, he is a kind and gentle soul and fits in very well with my family. I really like his children too. i think once the divorce is final, she will finally let go. i have known this man for 23 years, by the way. He is an honerable good person. I don't blame his wife for not wanting to give him up. but she is also an expert manipulator. Treated him terrible for years...until now!
again thanks for all your advice. It says that i have to spread reputation around before I could comment on posts what does that mean?
Jodall

Don't worry about the reps, we are just glad that things are working out for you and hope you keep us posted and contact us if you have any other issues as well. As long as you're here with us, you'll never be alone and get lots of support.