[lemony]

Thanks for reading my post.

I'm looking to gain insight on my mom's perspective. I'm in my mid twenties and financially independent.

My mom has decided that I'm selfish. She tells me this when we disagree about things. And she says that she doesn't like to think that she raised such a self centered child. (I find this deeply painful)

This is what happened most recently:
There's a big dinner with extended family on a work night, 1.5 hours away from where I live.
It's snowing/freezing raining.
I call the host to warn them that I'd like to leave 'early' (3 hours after arriving) to allow for bad road conditions, traffic and getting up for work in the morning. I know they've been feeling weird about me and I say something like, 'and this is silly, but if you're upset that I need to leave at that time, then tell me and I won't come'
So the host tells me not to show up.

Can anyone explain this?
How is it better to not see your family at all then to see them for 3 hours?

I ended up going and staying until an 'acceptable' time and taking the next day off from work (I have a mentally demanding job and bad things happen when I'm sleepy)

Then they were upset that I came! Even though I stayed! And was pleasant and cheerful too!
Apparently, I 'ruined their whole day'
Their side of the story is that they feel like I don't want to see them and that they're sick of me 'jerking them around' and that I was selfish to leave early
I did want to go but they don't believe me (and none of them have 9-5 jobs so they don't value my need to be well rested)

Now - what should I do?
Send an email apologizing for upsetting them? (but not sorry for wanting to get home safely because I think that was reasonable)
Do nothing?

Friends say I need to stick up for myself and tell my family that I'm not going to take their crap (being upset for no reason) anymore.

As a parent, what would your reaction be if I bluntly disagreed with your assessment of my personality?
('Mom, I'm not a selfish person so don't say that to my face.')

Would that improve our relationship at all?

[J_9]

I am a mother myself, with 4 children ages 21, 19, 14 and 5. I have to say that I think you were being responsible, however, this particular situation could have been handled better. For instance:

I say something like, 'and this is silly, but if you're upset that I need to leave at that time, then tell me and I won't come'

That was not necessary. That does indeed sound childish and quite selfish. Rather than the phone call, you could have shown up, stayed the 3 hours, then at the end of the 3 hours, thank everyone for the wonderful time, but you have a short drive ahead of you and the road conditions are a little less than accommodating, and you wish to get home safely.

They were upset that you came, after you had been told not to. Should they have been upset? No, but apparently there is more to the past that you haven't told us here.

As a parent, what would your reaction be if I bluntly disagreed with your assessment of my personality?
('Mom, I'm not a selfish person so don't say that to my face.')

Would that improve our relationship at all?

Without knowing why they think this, other than this one incident, and without knowing their side of the story, this is a hard question to answer. It will all depend on how the conversation goes, as you have it worded above, it will put your mom on the defensive and possibly do more harm than good.

[ScottGem]

As someone who has used that line on my daughter, I can say I wish she was as responsible. My daughter took a ferry up to CT to spend New Years with a boy that recently dumped her after a year. Then, instead of coming home with work the next day, she went to see an school friend who was visiting from out of town first getting to him at 11PM. Of course this affected my wife's ability to get a good nights sleep.

So, you don't seem like a selfish child from what you have told us. But then we are only getting your side of the story.

[Gernald]

Is it selfish to worry about supporting yourself through your job? Is it selfish to want to be able to drive home safely? Is it selfish to care about your life?
Your family no offence sounds pretty screwed up I'm not sure what they're thinking. Your on your own now and you need to support yourself otherwise you really will be selfish when you ask your parents to move back in with them.
Maybe you should confront those who are treating you so creuly. Tell them that your sorry that you can't always be around but that you need to support yourself and as for leaving early tell them that you were worried about getting home safely. If they don't understand that you have your own life then they are being selfish not you.
Everyone has to break away and start there own life at one point or another, some families just take it better than others.

[froggy7]

I am going to respectfully disagree with the other posters. First, either the weather is bad enough that you don't want to make the drive, or it's not. Second, you are responsible for your social calendar, not your family. Your response when invited to dinner is either "I'd love to come" or "I'm so sorry, I can't make it that night." I'll cut you some slack with changing weather conditions, in which case, if you have previously agreed to go, you can call up with as much advance warning as possible and say "I'm so sorry to call last-minute like this, but with the weather the way it is, I just don't feel comfortable being on the road. But I am looking forward to the next time!"

And once you have given the host the option of having you not go at all, then you do not show up after saying that you aren't going to be there! It is, in fact, "jerking the family around" to make whether you are going to be there or not so capricious. So, first they are expecting you and set the table for X, then you say that you aren't coming, and they either prepare for X-1, or else possibly ask some else to stop by, and then you show up, upsetting whatever arrangements that they have made to accommodate your previous decisions. This is possibly why your family thinks that you are being selfish, because after putting them on the spot, you didn't keep your side of the agreement.

I do agree with J_9 that agreeing to go and leaving after three hours would have been perfectly acceptable, especially if you gave the roads as a reason.

Personally, I think that you and your family need to have some civilized conversations about what you each expect, and how you can best balance wanting to see the family with your other responsibilities. And if that doesn't work, remember the bit above: "Yes, I'd be delighted" or "So sorry, can't make it." And once you have given your response, stick to it!

[lemony]

Thanks to everyone for their opinions. It was really interesting for me to hear what other people think.

Froggy7 says I should have used a line like:
"

I'm so sorry to call last-minute like this, but with the weather the way it is, I just don't feel comfortable being on the road. But I am looking forward to the next time!"

And that probably would have been better than suggesting that I don't attend... I know they're sensitive about people leaving early, so I thought I'd warn them, but maybe it would have been better not to say anything.

J_9 gave me some feedback about how to stick up for myself

"It will all depend on how the conversation goes, as you have it worded above, it will put your mom on the defensive and possibly do more harm than good."

Okay - advice taken. My mom gets defensive at the drop of a hat. Could you give me some better wording suggestions?

I agree that I should have told them I was still coming after they said not to come. That was my bad - I wimped out. At the time, they were already so grumpy that I just didn't feel like calling them back but that's not a good reason. And all this drama happened just before leaving so my logical brain was saying 'what difference does it make - they've already grocery shopped' but now I can see that it would have made them feel better (maybe) if I'd called. Or we just would have had a big fight.

I should have mentioned in the original post that I ended up getting a ride with someone else so that I didn't have to drive. It wasn't my driving that was really worrying me - it was that there'd be a collision and traffic would be backed up for hours (that happens here - that same 1.5 hour drive has taken 3 hours before)

Gernald - my friends love your post. They keep telling me the same thing as you said. Seeing as they actually have met my family and have the back stories, I probably should just stop worrying about upsetting people and risk being ostracized.

ScottGem, your kid made a mistake but please make sure she knows you love her (when you've gotten over her actions, assuming you do love her).

Again - I really appreciate everyone's input.
Sometimes I have a lot of trouble saying things in a tactful way (always have - not just with family) and figuring out why other people react the way they do.
The posts are extremely helpful.

[froggy7]

Again - I really appreciate everyone's input.
Sometimes I have a lot of trouble saying things in a tactful way (always have - not just with family) and figuring out why other people react the way they do.
The posts are extremely helpful.

This may be helpful advice, or maybe not. Anyway, it's something to think about. One of the most important things to realize in life is that there is only one person's behavior you can control. That's you. You can't make other people change how they act or feel. For example, you can't make your family decide to keep reasonable hours. All you can do is decide what YOU are going to do when faced with your family's schedule. Once you do this, it is rather liberating, because you are making the choice of what you will do. The flip side is important, too... if you leave at what your family considers "early", and they get upset about it... that's their choice. They could just as easily decide to be happy that you came for the time that you did.

The next thing is, once you decide that the only person you can change is you, it becomes much easier to be tactful. That's because a lot of the untactful things people say are done to try and get the other person to change their behavior. Then it just becomes a matter of not saying things to be deliberately hurtful. Which doesn't mean always being nice. If someone asks you your opinion about behavior that you don't agree with, you should say that you don't agree with it. But you can't be deliberately cruel when you do so: "I think that people who smoke are taking risks with their health, and I won't date someone who takes care of themself" is fine. "People who smoke are stupid idiots who should get with the program if they want to date someone like me" is not.

This doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything that everyone else does. It's perfectly acceptable to say "I'd love to have you over for dinner this week, but I don't allow smoking in my house" to a smoker. They can then decide whether getting to eat dinner with you is more important to them than smoking, or whether you'd be better off meeting for lunch at a restaurant somewhere instead, how long they could stay at your place after dinner until a cigarette craving got to them, etc.

[twinkiedooter]

Let me ask you a question. How would your family have felt that while you were driving on trecherous roads you were in an unfortunate accident and was killed. Would they enjoy going to your funeral? I doubt it.

I cannot for the life of me think of why you would want to risk your life just to please them. Haven't they ever heard of making sensible decisions before due to the weather? Your mom needs her behind smacked a few times for the "selfish" remark she made to you. I guess she'll grow up one day... who knows, dumber things have happened.

Remember, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.

[count coco fang]

Thanks for reading my post.

I'm looking to gain insight on my mom's perspective. I'm in my mid twenties and financially independent.

My mom has decided that I'm selfish. She tells me this when we disagree about things. And she says that she doesn't like to think that she raised such a self centered child. (I find this deeply painful)

This is what happened most recently:
There's a big dinner with extended family on a work night, 1.5 hours away from where I live.
It's snowing/freezing raining.
I call the host to warn them that I'd like to leave 'early' (3 hours after arriving) to allow for bad road conditions, traffic and getting up for work in the morning. I know they've been feeling weird about me and I say something like, 'and this is silly, but if you're upset that I need to leave at that time, then tell me and I won't come'
So the host tells me not to show up.

Can anyone explain this?
How is it better to not see your family at all then to see them for 3 hours?

I ended up going and staying until an 'acceptable' time and taking the next day off from work (I have a mentally demanding job and bad things happen when I'm sleepy)

Then they were upset that I came! even though I stayed! and was pleasant and cheerful too!
Apparently, I 'ruined their whole day'
Their side of the story is that they feel like I don't want to see them and that they're sick of me 'jerking them around' and that I was selfish to leave early
I did want to go but they don't believe me (and none of them have 9-5 jobs so they don't value my need to be well rested)

Now - what should I do?
Send an email apologizing for upsetting them? (but not sorry for wanting to get home safely because I think that was reasonable)
Do nothing?

Friends say I need to stick up for myself and tell my family that I'm not going to take their crap (being upset for no reason) anymore.

As a parent, what would your reaction be if I bluntly disagreed with your assessment of my personality?
('Mom, I'm not a selfish person so don't say that to my face.')

Would that improve our relationship at all?

I will keep this simple Read the books Toxic Parents aw well as the book Emotinal Blackmail They have REALLY helped me

[lemony]

Thanks for the book suggestions count coco fang. I'll check them out if my library has them.

An update - so I talked to my mom and we're going to go to a counselor. My parents are divorced and I work with my dad, so in this situation, she felt like I was favoring my dad (choosing safety/work/sleeping over the family/her). I think that's a little 'out there' but maybe the person we talk to will have some good ideas.
At least I feel better now that I have a plan.

Froggy7, I thought about what you said (I do like to be in control) but I don't think that's why I'm impolite. Some people are just good at talking smoothly.

twinkiedooter, thanks for your support.

[N0help4u]

Your mom sounds like one of those mothers that like to guilt trip (or as count coco fang said emotional black mail)
Others into letting them have their way. Reminds me sort of Everybody Loves Rays mom.

She should look at it like it is better you don't end up dead in a wreck. You maybe could have handled the situation better but they should see your side of things. The host may have felt like you were looking for an out to going at all but didn't want to say you didn't want to come at all. Ask your mom exactly how you ruined everything by going anyway. Stick up for yourself. Put her on the spot a little but not to the point she feels like you have an attitude or are unappreciative.

I would simply tell mom "LOOK at things from my shoes. Do you want me to wreck on slippery snow or black ice? How would you feel if I ended up getting killed because I stayed until weather conditions got that bad??? I missed a day at work because I wanted to go but I guess that doesn't mean anything."

I think some moms also do this in an effort to make you feel like their little kid still.