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sheema_1 · Dec 31, 2007, 10:46 PM

Just need some advice on how to get our boys settle and adjust to being a family... little about us

We have been trying living together

There's Me... I got a little boy 5 (his a little bit of a mummy boy because dad has rarely been there but a good child in general)

My boyfriend has a son also who is 6 ( mum took off and he neva seen her since been about 4 yrs I think... )

Prob 1

We recent put them in there own rooms at my bf's place but they still fight ova everything I no being boys they will do this anyway but it's getting worse... my son who is a good child has been acting out ( screaming and hitting me) when eva I try to dissaplent him ( but when we at home he is fine and goes to his room if in trouble)

My boyfriend says I shouldn't take him doing it( which I dnt) but I think it is because my boyfriend tries to step in and has different ways of dealing with his son (he screams and threats but don't follow threw with any threats) which don't work with my son... because he believes my boyfriend will follow threw with the threat because I have always stuck to what I say... I talk to my son instead of yelling to find out why he is upset or angry and then tell him for doing what he did he has to spend time alone in his room till he calms down... which is OK at home.

Prob 2
Bf's son knows his dad won't follow threw with threat ( like I will take ps2 of ya) so he don't care and just does what he wants... also I find he wants dads attention a lot more when me and my boyfriend spend time together... I no it is normal but my boyfriend just tells him to go away... ( mayb making things worse? Don't no )

Prob 3
My son feels left out because my boyfriend son is allowed to play ps2 at night when going to bed, also can have junk food when ever he wants... my son is not allowed to play ps2 before 11 or after dinner at all because I think it's too much and he will get lazy and with junk food he is only allowed little ammounts during the day not all the time...

( before my son was into fruit and didn't really care that he didn't get junk all the time but lately his been asking me why is D allowed to have them and not me I try explaining to him that S my boyfriend has different rules to me but being a kid its hard for him)

So any ideas on how I can help my son fit in would be good... I try talking to my boyfriend but he takes things to heart and thinks I'm saying his a bad dad but I no it's been hard for him working full time and looking after his son on his own... he really does his best and his boy is a good kid when he is with me or someone else .

Just needs guidness but I don't wannaa over step my place and make my boyfriend feel bad :(

Fr_Chuck · Dec 31, 2007, 10:55 PM

One set of rules for both boys, period, you and boyfriend should have worked out those details before moving in.

There has to be one solid front and one set of rules, boyfriend will have to tighten up, you will have to loosen up some most likely.

Maybe moving in was not right, till a lot of details were worked out first

oneguyinohio · Dec 31, 2007, 11:37 PM

I agree with the above post completely! Talk to your boyfriend soon. You are already aware of some of the problem rules... or inconsistencies... so start by making some agreements. It doesn't have to be all your way or all his... but shared decisions. Tell your boyfriend that you want to be fair to both boys as well as him. Make sure that he knows you are not criticizing his parenting, but that things need to blend together now that the family has changed. What you are attempting is similar to trying to merge two countries while keeping both countries' laws. It simply won't work. It is not a reflection on anyone.

sheema_1 · Jan 1, 2008, 04:01 AM

Nah you guys are rite we do need to have one set of rules... I just tend to feel like I'm the one sacrificing my rules because he thinks I'm to tight and I might need to loosen but I'm just scared of losing up too much... and then I have a child out of control

For example he will say oh just let him play the game ( b like 9pm) then nxt time my son will go and ask S my boyfriend because he knows he will be allowed and I'm the bad guy who has to say no...

We haven't moved in yet was like a trial period... I just find it hard to talk to him with out him feeling like I'm criticizing his parenting.

N0help4u · Jan 1, 2008, 11:26 AM

They could be acting out because they are not comfortable with you and him together.
Often when a kids biological parents are no longer together they will act out because the new situation stresses them and they have no other outlet. Their competing for attention is one of the issues showing they are not comfortable with the new arrangement.

Also you and your boyfriend have to get together and agree on things. Kids sense when they can pit one against the other and go ask the other if they don't get the results they want. Work out a schedule that you are both going to agree to for when they can play the game and when they can't, when they can eat junk food and how much at a time, when bedtime is, etc...

Fr_Chuck · Jan 1, 2008, 11:43 AM

Sounts like trial is not working well at this point, But also there is some nromal rules all kids need.

1. set bed time ( can be changed for a few "special events"

2. set meal times

3. routine for bed, there should be a calming quiet period for them.

4, OK, not in school yet but soon, a set study time, and rules of no fun and games till it is done.

With that said, most of the "fighting" if they are doing it, needs to be left alone if it is not dangerous, kids fight and will do so as long as they live, that is some strange bonding system for kids.

And of course kids will learn when and how to ask for what they want,
I was always bad about saying OK, if I was half alseep, my teens learned to work that one fast.

I don't believe in yelling at them unless it was a dangerous thing and then yell right when it happeneed. But also if you threaten something, you have to follow though or don't threaten at all.

sheema_1 · Jan 1, 2008, 02:31 PM

That's what I hate it's not working but I really would like it too and I no it can just don't know how to get my boyfriend to understand the importance of us being able to say no to both kids

Yea I believe his son is not liking us together but I also think that's because he has no idea what's going on... I don't think they talk about it all... where as I talk to my son ask him how he feels and all that and he says he loves Scott and his son... 4eva asking me when we really going to move in...

When I have his son with me I never have any troubles and can tell him to clean his room and it's done in 2mins ( not litrally but you get me) his dad will be screaming for ages and then do it because he hates seeing it a mess... then when I ask him to do things and he does them my boyfriend is always going why the hell does he do it for you but when I ask he just ignores me... but he don't understand ( again grr lol) it's all in the way you ask them to do it... I'm for eva talking positive to the kids and making it look fun... also I stand my ground and his son has learnt if the room don't get done I turn the ps2 off and he stays there till it is done...

Yea I have routine for bed and dinner...

Me and my son always read half and hr before bed then sing 3 songs in bed and that's it lights out sleep time but my boyfriend don't understand why I do it... I've tried explaining to him but he just says fuk that...
I have managed to get him and his son into a kind of routine for dinner and bed but when were not there it all goes out the window kind of thing

As for rules on going to bed there's no way I will ever let my son go to bed playing video games and my boyfriend rather say yes to his son so he don't hear the screaming... so that's 1 prob that will always remain I believe

N0help4u · Jan 1, 2008, 02:44 PM

Tell your boyfriend that he does it for you because he knows what you expect and
He doesn't do things for him because he knows what he will get away with.
He always has it in the back of his mind to procrastinate because dad will give in.
It sounds like if and when you two do move together it would be best if you don't move into his house because the kid is accustomed to doing things the way he gets away with dad.
If he moves to what he preceives to be more YOUR place it will probably be an easier battle.