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cfamil · Dec 31, 2007, 12:57 PM

I have been reading some threads and I like the site much!

Anyway, I have read thread after thread about NC. So I know the answer I will probably get but I am asking anyway.

I have known a girl for about 4 yrs or so from the same circle of friends. We were casual during this time and just sort of joked with each other and that turned into flirty joking then I asked her on a date. We went out and I was very attracted to the girl after this. Have no idea where the sudden attraction came from. So I started pursuing and she pushed me away and I would pursue more. She continually told me she wasn't attracted to me and she didn't know what she wanted yet she continued to call me on an almost daily basis and continued to want to hang all the time knowing how attracted to her I was and that I wanted a relationship with her. Made no sense to me!

As time went on I fell in love with her, or should I say grew to care for her deeply, and we became closer and closer and spent more and more time together all the while her knowing how I felt about her. We never had any physical contact at all. Just enjoyed being together and having fun.

She goes to therapy to find out why she is being blocked off from me because I am this great guy to her, I don't hink I am all that but others do seeinghow I treat this girl. To me it seems we are a very nice fit for the other. Turns out she has some sort of intimacy issues and can't have any emotions for anyone... so it isn't me, it could be the greatest man on earth and it would be the same.

So we go along and have conflict from me wanting more from her than she is capable of giving and her not knowing if she wants to be with me or not. So now the conflict or fights have gotten closer and closer together. However when we make up from our fights and everythign is OK it seems there is more and more progress on her part every time. Now we are at a point where she says she is done and I want a "girlfriend" that is more than just a buddy to hang with.

For whatever reason I feel she is worth hanging onto until she can get past some of these issues she is having with relationships. It makes no sense to me why the both of us has gotten this far and after all the conflict we are constantly going back to the other. We always enjoy each other until this emotional stuff gets involved.

All she can do right now is be a friend and that is all she wants from me "for now". It is tough to be this friend and not want more from her. So what do I do? Leave her alone and move on and if it is supposed to be it will or continue to hang on? I love this girl dearly, I know she does me as well. Both of us want the same things in life and we get along so well when emotions aren't involved. Like I said for whatever reason I believe she is worth waiting on to get through these things I just want her to be here with me and not leave her alone long enough to get where she need s to get to with herself to be in a relationship.

Sorry for the long post, maybe someone can make some sense from it.

George_1950 · Dec 31, 2007, 01:38 PM

How old is she?

cfamil · Dec 31, 2007, 01:55 PM

She is 29, she has not been in a relationship in about 4 years, not since I have known her.

ordinaryguy · Dec 31, 2007, 07:10 PM

In the end, it doesn't really matter WHY she can't be emotionally open with you. Whether it's because of childhood trauma or whatever, you can't force her to love you, no matter how much you love her. The two- or three-year period around the of age 30 is a major life turning point for many people. If she doesn't get past this blockage within the next couple of years, she probably won't do it at all. Staying in love with somebody who can't love you back is a form of self-torture, so if you're going to do it, you need to take responsibility for it instead of blaming it on her.

cfamil · Jan 1, 2008, 12:41 AM

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

In the end, it doesn't really matter WHY she can't be emotionally open with you. Whether it's because of childhood trauma or whatever, you can't force her to love you, no matter how much you love her. The two- or three-year period around the of age 30 is a major life turning point for many people. If she doesn't get past this blockage within the next couple of years, she probably won't do it at all. Staying in love with somebody who can't love you back is a form of self-torture, so if you're going to do it, you need to take responsibility for it instead of blaming it on her.

I agree with you very much, it is certainly self torture and I do not mean to make it sound as if I am blaming her. It is definitely my fault for continuing to hang on to someone who can't love me back.

Its just a pisser that we are at the point that we must move on since she can't love me and I can't be the friend she wants me to be without wanting more than she can give.

George_1950 · Jan 1, 2008, 08:19 AM

I sounds as though she is lonely and was calling (using, in a positive way) you for friendship, only. If you are interested in her romantically, this may not go anywhere if she isn't attracted to you and pushes you away. To use a 'business' comparison, you will be throwing good money after bad.

N0help4u · Jan 1, 2008, 11:36 AM

The more you push her for a relationship the more you will distance her.
She may feel that your persistence makes you like every other guy only wanting sex
And ending up in a bad downhill relationship from then on.
Be a friend and N0THING more, IF 'n when she is ready she will let you know.
Have you asked her what she thinks would get her over this?
Maybe she wants to wait until she is ready to marry and knows the guy is serious about being committed to her. That is the point a girl can come to when she has been hurt too many times. She ends up feeling like she can't even trust her own judgement.

talaniman · Jan 1, 2008, 11:49 AM

No matter the causes, the effect is still the same, you want, but can't have. She has her issues that you can't help with, so my advice is to back way off, and get a better perspective on your own feelings, and expectations. Sorry guy, I full well know its hard on you, but I don't see it getting better, unless you change what your doing.

friend4u178 · Jan 1, 2008, 03:54 PM

Yep I would back off... she has made it clear she doesn't want a relationship at this point. At least she has been honest with you.
Don't get stuck waiting for something you can't have at the moment. As nohelp4u says the more you push he the more she will pull away.

In the end if its meant to be she will come around.

cfamil · Jan 1, 2008, 04:08 PM

Thanks for all the input guys but I believe it has gotten to the point now to where the NC rule comes into play. Both of us through this whole ordeal has said many hurtful things to each other unfortunately.

Both of us are great people and good at heart but for whatever reason it does neither of us good to be close to each other. She lashes out from fear of a relationship and I lash out from rejection.

I believe you call this a failed relationship! It does sux to have to go through the pain and hurt from it all but in the end I'm sure it will be a learning experience and the both of us will come out better people and will be able to be friends again eventually.