[happynsad]

I am in a relationship that's pretty much over. I've been seeing someone else for just over a year now. We are in love, but are each in other relationships, if that's what you can call them. I've told a few select people of my situation and how much I love this new person in my life. She, on the other hand, has not told anyone. She and I are very different... she is private and reserved where I'm the kind of person who needs to share and talk to others... hence, my presence on this site! I feel as if she either doesn't want to look like the bad guy to people since she's having an affair, or that perhaps she doesn't know if this thing with me will last. She said she just doesn't think it's anyone's business, but it hurts me anyway. Should I be concerned with it, or just accept that it's part of who she is? Thanks for any advice you may have...

[Fr_Chuck]

Well of course you should not be in the new relastoinship at all until you ended the first one. But while your old relastionship is pretty much over the other person may not be willing to end their relastionshipo and your is just another one for them. If you want to always be the second, the one they do not give their full time to, the one that holidays are not spent with, the one who gets only the second best, then it is all yours

[happynsad]

Thanks for your quick response, Fr_Chuck. I agree... I should not have entered into another relationship before ending the first. I beat myself up for that everyday. But, you're right, I don't want to play second fiddle to someone else. She tells me that it's just a matter of figuring out HOW to get out of what she's in... financially, etc... but we'll see. It's getting harder and harder as time goes on.

[kp2171]

Maybe its both... she doesn't want to look bad and she also doesn't care to base her future on a relationship that was built on deception?

Not trying to be a jerk, and its easy for me to be that, but really what to you expect? Her to wear the scarlet letter with pride?

Get over yourself. If the fact that she's risking a lot to be with you under improper circumstances isn't enough, then change your situation... and that doesn't mean send out xmas letters together, signed the adulterers.

What do you think is reasonable in your situation? What would make it finally OK with you? Despite my smartarse attitude, I really am interested in your perspective.

[happynsad]

I don't think you're a jerk or an arse! ;) Thank you for your response. I should tell you more, though. This is a lesbian relationship. I am the one that has taken all the risk. She wants to be with me but doesn't know how to get out of her current situation. I, on the other hand, have already been taking steps to leave mine. She told me I'm the love of her life, that she wanted to shout it from the rooftops, etc. I have always been very consistent with my feelings and expressions thereof. She is not as expressive as me, but was much more open in the past than she is now. Perhaps it's just the typical progression of a relationship.

[kp2171]

Well... stick around here long enough and ill likely be a jerk. Shouldve been here when my wife was overseas and I was sexually pent up... I was stomping around here like I needed to put someone through a window.

Off topic? Another talent.

Ummm... I'm not an expert on lesbian relationships. Big clarification needed there, eh?

Well.. I don't get how she doesn't know how to get out of the current relationship. You are either in or out. Well... that takes on a new context here... in-in, in-out, out-in, or out-out maybe? Please laugh. I'm out of wine so this is the best I have...

She doesn't want to lose face? What in the world would keep her with a person she isn't interested in? Why do you think she stays? Has she cheated before?

I don't know... I don't know how the lesbian version of "my partner loves me but wont leave her lover" is different from the heterosexual version, other than maybe some privacy issues perhaps... but really... if a man writes this in about a woman, or the opposite, the people here would say the person who refuses to leave isn't going to... at least not without a hard push or a break.

What is her motivation to stay? And leave?

[prettymulatto]

I would think that if you guys are having an affair neither one of you would tell anyone. Don't see the problem here.

[happynsad]

Yes, prettymulatto, it is an affair and seems like the reasonable thing to not say anything. I've told a few key people I trust because I didn't want to hide such an indiscretion from them and I needed to talk about it. I didn't want to pretend like my life was fine when it wasn't. I admitted my predicament and they've been quite supportive. You'd be surprised how many people have cheated in their lives... I know I was! Kp - I don't know why she won't leave the other person. She says she won't leave her for me, and I shouldn't leave mine for her, that we should leave our respective partners for ourselves because we're ready to. Of course, we both know that we were both looking to get out well before we came into each other's lives. She's got a lot of money tied up there and she says she doesn't know how to get out of it all right now.

[simoneaugie]

The fact that she trusts you, and tells you what's going on is a sign that you are safe. Her other partner is not. Money? If someone is the love of my life, and I want to be with her, I'd figure out how to get out of the relationship with as much of the money as possible, quickly. What I hear here is that she is afraid, you are safe, her other partner is not. She is afraid. She is naturally reticent. She is not ready to risk losing money. She is not ready to risk the sure anger of her other partner.

She will eventually leave her. Break off your steady (cheated on) relationship so that you are above reproach. Be a good friend to this woman you love. When the rock gets too hot, she will quit switching hands and just drop it. Then, she will be yours.

[talaniman]

Nobody goes around shouting they are having an affair. And just because your ready to chuck yours, and pick up with her, doesn't mean she is ready for the same things. So either wait, or move on to someone who is ready for what you want. Hmm, I see it as being the same with cheating partners, The outside partner wants more, and the other partner has reasons they can't leave. Gay or straight, cheaters are very seldom happy with things the way they are. So I think you'll be waiting until she gets her "divorce".

[happynsad]

Thanks, simoneaugie and talaniman, for your responses. Simone... your response put my mind at ease more than you may imagine... thanks. Talaniman... you're correct... nobody does go around shouting that fact. I'm not looking for her to do that, nor would I do it either. I will be patient with her as you suggest.

[cheese124]

From what you say I think she is shy and it is who she is.

[talaniman]

My suggestion was not to wait for her, Sorry if I was unclear, but be honest with yourself, as you have a partner your cheating on, to consider, and should be cutting her loose to find happiness, or forgetting your other cheating affair. I don't condone cheating, its selfish and uncaring, and very unhealthy, and unfair, and dishonest.

[Choux]

If both of you can't come to an "agreement" that it is OK to have side lovers on occasion in addition to your relationship, then perhaps this relationship is over. It is sad because I imagine that both of you want to keep contact with each other as you are such good friends/lovers.

The "thill" always wears off in any relationship. There is nothing you can do about that. That leads to many people having "serial" relationships... always looking for excitement.

From what I read, there is nothing keeping you together as a couple such as marriage or owning property together.

You know, you both have NOTHING to lose if you sit down and negotiate a new kind of relationship. It is always a sad thing to throw away a close friend because great friends don't always come along that easily.

[happynsad]

Thanks for your responses. Cheese... yes, that is who she is and it is okay with me despite the question I've posed here. I do love her so.

Talaniman... I responded to your latest comments, but it didn't seem to post... not sure if I did it wrong! But, in a nutshell, I agree with you, I don't condone affairs either. It happened, I'm ashamed of it, but I fell in love and I'm taking steps to get out of my present situation with minimal hurt all around. I punish myself daily for my actions.

Choux... I care about and love my partner, although I'm not in love with her. She is not satisfied by our relationship, nor am I, and once we say goodbye, that will probably be it. She doesn't remain friends with past lovers, so I don't think it will be any different with me. We have been together a long time, though, so who knows. It's all very confusing and overwhelming to me. We should've broken up a long time ago, actually.

[talaniman]

End it and try to love yourself, and be happy being single. You don't have to beat yourself up, or feel guilty, if your doing the right things for yourself, and being honest with YOU.

[N0help4u]

she is private and reserved

she either doesn't want to look like the bad guy to people since she's having an affair,

she doesn't know if this thing with me will last.

She said she just doesn't think it's anyone's business,

Should I be concerned with it, or just accept that it's part of who she is? Thanks for any advice you may have...

It is most likely ALL of the above PLUS she doesn't want it getting back to him and
She doesn't want the reputation of a cheater

Your concern should be more on what kind of future do you really expect with each other?
Do either one of you expect that you will eventually break it off with your other relationships and be together or is that maybe your plan and she is stringing you along or visa versa.
Or are you both just looking for an affair?

Her motives really aren't the issue but what both of your expectations are in the long run.

[happynsad]

Thanks, Talaniman... good advice... and appreciated. NoHelp4U... I love your signature line. That is so true, and so applicable to my circumstance! I want something to happen so badly, but perhaps I just need to give it time. At one time, I was convinced that we wanted the same thing. Now, I'm not so sure. She says she wants to be with me, but she doesn't know when that might be. Anytime I ask a question, like, is the sky blue?. she automatically gets defensive and thinks that I'm pushing her for a timeline. I'm not pushing for a timeline, but knowing that there is a future or not would be helpful. She tells me that she's tempered what she says at times so as not to give me false hope. I asked if she was actually withholding her emotions from me. She seemed offended that I would think that, but I do think that still. It seems hurtful and controlling to me. But, again, maybe I'm just reading too much into things. I tend to overanalyze situations.

[smoothy]

Maybe you need to decide where you are and where you want to be... and end one of the relationships or both and move on. Where you are at now isn't working obviously.

Don't expect someone to change... they rarely do. See who they are and unless you are truly happy with that then it's a signal to move on. If you do you will find that one person that's a perfect fit.

[happynsad]

Smoothy... love your avatar! Wm. T. Sherman! Thanks for your response... and Talaniman and NoHelp4u for your opinions on it. I agree with all of you. Things cannot stay the way they are. I never intended for them to. As I said before, I should've left my current relationship a long time ago, but am finally taking the steps to do so. I DO want to be with the other one, but she's going to have to figure things out for herself.