[tonkpils28]

I'm 20, that may not seem very old but I feel old. I had to grow up quickly. :mad: I suffered sexual abuse for 9yrs of my life and now have depression psychosis and borderline personality disorder. I really am at the end of it all now. I can't bear to wake up, I can't feel any emotion. I'm just nothing. All I want to do is well commit suicide. I've been battling in therapy for 7yrs 9even whilst the abuse was going on) and been medicated and drugged up to my eyeballs for that same amount of tme too. I don't know what's left to do. Can sum1 respond? I don't mind how I wuld just like to know thers someone... anyone with 2 secs for me... thank you x

[firmbeliever]

I am sorry to hear about all the sadness and difficulties in your life...

I am no expert,but if you wish to talk I could be a good listener(or reader as the case maybe here)...

[tonkpils28]

Thank you that's sokind of u... I just feel so dreadful. The self harms become so out of hand. It doesn't help but its all I have to feel relief. I'm stillin therapy now. Just nothing seems to get easier. Feels like I'm neva going to get out of being this person I hate so much. I've tried so many different things. I try so hrd but I just feel like life wants me to be screwed up. :D I try so hard and all I want is to be OK. Not happy but just OK.

[creativekw]

im 20, that may not seem very old but i feel old. i had to grow up quickly. :mad: i suffered sexual abuse fo 9yrs of my life and now have depression psychosis and borderline personality disorder. i really am at the end of it all now. i can't bear to wake up, i can't feel any emotion. im just nothing. all i want to do is well commit suicide. ive been battling in therapy for 7yrs 9even whilst the abuse was goin on) and been medicated and drugged up to my eyeballs for that same amount of tme too. i dont know whats left to do. can sum1 respond? i dont mind how i wuld just like to know thers someone... anyone with 2 secs 4 me... thank u x

Dear Tonkpils8,


I am very sad and afraid for you. I pray that you are not alone in your time of great need. Since you have been in therapy you must know that knowing how sad, hurt and angry you are for what has happenend is the first step to healing. I have worked with a family who sufferd years of abusce. All I can say to you is that none of the abuse was your fault. You belong to God and yes this tragedy happened, but you are now trying to pull out of the darkness of deep pain. YOU CAN DO IT! You are never alone! Your life will change and it will become one of great strength through this experience. Please don't give up. I don't know you but I know that God does not make mistakes about people. Use your experieces to prevent abuse in others. FIGHT FOR YOURSELF! YOU ARE WORTH IT!! We are all broken in some way. You can do this! Giving up on yourself only hurts YOU!! Please let me know how you are doing, and I will pray that you will be made whole again.
Love,
Kaylyn

[peggyhill]

I am so sorry that you have had such horrible abuse in your life. Please hang in there. The only thing that I can tell you is that what you are feeling right now will pass. I was abused as a child too, and I know what you are going through. After years of struggling, I am finally able to wake up in the morning and feel all right. Keep going to therapy, if the person you are seeing doesn't help you, find someone else. After what you have been through, I totally understand how you are feeling this way.

When I was your age, I too felt that there was no point in going on. I felt that my life had been ruined by the abuse and that there was no hope for me. But, I could never had been more wrong. I finally found a therapist who really helped me, and it got easier as time goes by.
One thing that she told me that really helped was this: She said "If you give up now, then you lose. If you keep fighting, one day you will wake up and be at peace. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and drag yourself out of bed. Because when that time comes when you have peace, you will know that it was worth the fight."

I can tell you that even though your life seems over right now, it isn't. You couldn't control the past, but you can make the future anything that you want. You can be anyone and do anything in the world that you want. The abuse was so recent, you are grieving and in shock over it. Don't give up on yourself!!

Is there a support group for people who were abused sexually in your community? Groups help some people a lot, although some don't feel comfortable talking about it in front of people, and that's OK too. Are you a religious person? Maybe a minister or priest can help give you some comfort and encouragement.
One thing that helped me is this. I got angry. My whole life therapists and doctors told me that I had to forgive and forget. Well, that doesn't work when it comes to something this horrible, at least not for me. It's OK to be angry at the person who did this to you. It's right to be angry at him/her. You just have to find ways to let the anger out so it doesn't consume you.

One thing that helped me was learning martial arts. It's good exercise and stress relief, but most importantly, it's empowering. When you know that you have the strength and knowledge to defend yourself, you feel confident and strong. It has been such a big help to me to know that I am in control of what happens to me and that I will never be a victim again.

Find a way to have emotional release. Do you like to paint, draw, or dance? Find something creative you like to do and let your emotions out with it. I like to paint, and painting pictures when I get really upset seems to help me.
It's OK to cry. I went through the emotionally numb thing too. You have to have the emotional release of tears. I didn't cry for years because I though if I did that I would never stop. But, of course, I could stop, and when the tears had run their course, I felt worlds better. Don't be afraid to let it out.

If you ever feel like you are going to hurt yourself, call for help. Call a hospital, 911, a suicide hotline, or a police officer. Tell a friend how you feel and ask for help. The fact that you are already thinking about it scares me. The best thing you can do for yourself is to reach out for help. Because you are too special for the world to lose you. Stay away from the depressants, like alcohol and stuff. It makes the depression much worse.

I wish I could be there to give you a big hug!! I am on this website a lot and will be here if you need to talk. You can send me a PM too. Hang in there, honey! I promise, it will get better. God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers. Don't give up!

[firmbeliever]

thank u thats sokind of u... i just feel so dreadful. the self harms become so out of hand. it doesnt help but its all i have to feel relief. im stillin therapy now. just nothing seems to get easier. feels like im neva going to get out of being this person i hate so much. ive tried so many different things. i try so hrd but i just feel like life wants me to be screwed up. :D i try so hard and all i want is to be ok. not happy but just ok.

Hang in there.

Maybe you could help others help themselves get to where you are now, seeking professional help.

Me being a believer find solace in certain things which you might not want to consider as per your beliefs.

But if there is any help we can offer,please do keep writing here.
There are many here who are willing to help you according to their own experiences similar to yours.