[punkin3]

I have been seeing/dating/in a relationship.. I'm not even sure what to call it for certain.. with a much older woman for the past year and 7 months. She is 18 years older than I, and I am 22 and our relationship has been kept a secret from our mutual friends the entire time. I began seeing her while she was still married to her now ex-husband. We had and have very good physical and emotional chemistry with each other, but have also had our share of problems. Throughout the relationship, she would sometimes push me to look for someone my own age, telling me that she felt she was holding me back from being with someone younger, prettier, etc. Here's the kicker.. she is my first and only sexual experience. Also, I have only dated a couple of other girls, lasting only a few months on both other accounts. Well, my current problem is that a few months ago, I noticed that she seemed to be hiding something from me. I have always felt that we shared a strong connection, and I knew I felt something different from her than normal. Well I eventually gave in to my distrust and checked her cell phone and found several messages from another guy. I confronted her about this and she then confessed that she had met someone she found interesting, and that it wasn't serious yet, but that she had seen him a couple of times. She asked me if I didn't want to see her anymore, but I said that if it wasn't serious, then why all of the secrecy? Our relationship went downhill the few weeks after that and she then broke it off with me. We talked to each other as friends.. uneasily and akwardly, and she denied that she was seeing him romantically. We spent a lot of time away from each other, not even speaking to each other, but there came a time when I was able to see her alone, away from our friends. We began kissing each other without even saying a word first. I truly believe that she missed me and wanted me. She was in tears though, because I was being unemotional and distant, even though we were being physical. Soon after that, she began to call me more and text me, and then we began to date again. I still, even now cannot trust her, though I want to. I looked through her calendar and saw that she indeed had been dating this other man, but broke it off with him after that night of kissing, but before seeing me again intimately. I never told her that I looked at her calender, but I was able to let it go because she DID eventually tell me that she had dated him and kissed him even, but that it didn't mean anything to her, and that it was me she really wanted. Everything after that was much better between us, as close to how things were at the beginning of our relationship. Everything was fine until her halloween party. I had had far too much to drink, and for reasons even unknown to me, I left everyone's sight and went to her bedroom, closed the door, locked it, went directly for her bedside table and pulled out her diary (which I had no idea existed until this point). I began to read it, entries dating back to May, in which she wrote that she "did not love" me "and could never love" me.. I became very emotional at this and continued to read on. Had I read the rest of it without those hurt feelings, I might have seen that she seemed to really be trying to be with me honestly, but those pesky feelings got the best of me and I just became very saddened, and distrustful. At the end of the night as we laid in bed, I confessed to her that I had read her diary, to which she became enraged and pretty much threw me out of her house. She swore that I would never know anything else about her, never be close to her again. I did not see her until the next week when I surprised her at work. She was not upset, but very startled. We met after that to talk about "us". I told her that it was best we not see each other, so that at least we could be friends after everything was healed. I was to be the one to call her back in the next few months, but only a week after that, she called me, telling me how much she missed me, had been thinking about everything, thinking about me. She told me how much she needed me, and that she had never felt that way before about anyone. She asked me for another chance to make it work and I went with it. I could not help myself. That initial week after was as near to perfect as could be, but I was to go out of town over the weekend and did not get a chance to call her all weekend. When I came back, I could tell she was very upset about this and told me that it was a "wake up call" and that we should take things slowly and see if we really have the foundations for something real, and not just sexuality or chemistry. Since then, she had been distant with me, only seeing each other 3 or 4 times, and only for little time, until last Thursday. She asked me to meet with her after work and so I did. She seemed to be back to her normal self, like she was when things were good between us, and she has been that way since then. She has asked me to spend this weekend with her, which will be the most time consecutively spent together in a long while. Here's the catch.. This Monday when I spent the night, I saw her calendar again, and saw that she had been seeing someone else again, only after our breakup, and seemed the last time she saw him was before that special Thursday. Right now, I don't know if she is being sincere about being with me. If she began seeing someone, but was ending it with them because of me. She has changed a lot lately and seems like she is really pushing for us to keep seeing each other, so I don't understand what is really happening. I am trying to keep my heart guarded, but it is incredibly difficuly, being that she has been the closest person to my heart.. ever. I understand that I am young, and this may not be "it" for me, but it feels that way.. At this point, I don't know how I should feel, what I should do. I could REALLY use some feedback and I will have no problem answering questions you may have. Please... I really need help with this..

[BBWfromPhilly]

Punkin3,

I read your post and can only say that it would not be a bad thing if you tried to meet other women, not because of the age difference between you and this woman, but because you haven't had very much experience. I get the impression that this woman is playing games with you; and even if she isn't, you owe it to yourself to explore yourself more before committing to this kind of relationship.

In this day and age it is more acceptable for younger male/older female relationships. However, I don't get the impression that this is something she is quite comfortable with since the two of you have kept it a secret even after she has divorced. There's no reason for secrecy now.

I'm not suggesting breaking it off completely, just that you both agree to see other people too. This way you will experience what other women have to offer and she can feel comfortable comparing her feelings for you, a much younger man, to others and possibly making up her mind exactly what she wants. It seems she's being fickle and not sure from one day to the next if this relationship is right for her.

In any case, you have to handle this the way that is best for YOU. You might find that it is too soon to be committed to anyone right now and take some time to grow with your experiences.

Good luck!

[punkin3]

Thank you for your advice BBW! She has always had an issue with our age difference, at least while out in public, but it has lessened with time. She tells me that she is trying to move past our age gap because she truly wants to be with me, but I know it will not be so easy. We have separated a few times in the past because of this issue, though it was always her that would break it off. She felt that we should try to be friends, and while I would sometimes agree with her, it would not last. We always ended up missing each other too much. During the time she was seeing someone else, I did try to date other women, but I found that I could not stop thinking about her. Even while out on a date with someone else, I was wishing it was her that I was with. I have since told her that I had seen someone else, and exactly what happened and what did not happen. She said that she was grateful for me telling her, and that it was similar to how she felt when she was seeing the other guy. She doesn't say it, but I like to think that she realised that she wanted to be with me and broke it off with him for that reason. I also would like to think that that is the case this time as well.. that after I upset her, she felt like she had to try to move and began to see someone else, but ended it after feeling out what her heart really desired.. me.

[punkin3]

I am hoping for more feedback from everyone on my situation.

[N0help4u]

I think you are just an emotional convenience for her. She has no REAL feelings and I suspect that she can and does say "but that it didnt mean anything to her" about all her relationships. She is playing you for whatever reason. Most likely she doesn't have self control when she is with you; but when she isn't with you it is 'out of sight out of mind' even though she claims she thinks of you and misses you. Everything she has put you through should be the 'wake up call' but she is putting it on you and not taking responsibility for her own actions.
I have to agree with BBWfromPhilly you need to let her alone and find somebody else.
Figure out some qualities about her that you are attracted to and look for somebody else that has the GOOD qualities. This one is going to keep walking away every time it is to her convenience.

[talaniman]

This relationship is very unhealthy, not because of age but it is to unequal. She get away with anything she pleases because you let her. You may feel attracted and have a good time, but as far as being honest and caring, no way. Stop being her boytoy, or when she meets someone to replace you, you will be devastated. She IS taking advantage of your inexperience.