My girlfriend doesn't want as much sex as me

sant55 · Dec 3, 2007, 12:30 AM

Is there anything else I can do for my girlfriend who doesn't want as much sex as me?
How can I make her feel hot and ready?

goelpunit · Dec 3, 2007, 12:40 AM

Hi tell in more details...

sant55 · Dec 3, 2007, 12:52 AM

OK, I want to know how can I make her hot? She allows me to kiss, suck her boobs, caress her body... but when I want to have sex, she doesn't wish to be ready. I want to know how can I make her hot? Are there some special parts of her body where I can kiss or suck and make her feel hot?

goelpunit · Dec 3, 2007, 01:51 AM

Dear Sant,

After reading your message. I think she will be worried about pregnancy. You tell her you use all precautions during intercourse. Prepare first her mentally to do sex after physical. Take her firstly in confidence. Try this you will get successed very soon...

sant55 · Dec 3, 2007, 02:06 AM

Thanks goelpunit. I'm sure she isn't worried about pregnancy (because of her physical condition). We had sex 3 times before. She is a divorced lady. But she is not participatory and takes sex as burden. I want to know what kind of foreplay can make her ready again? She isn't willing to hv sex again, that's the problem.

Synnen · Dec 3, 2007, 06:04 AM

She isn't willing/ready to have sex, and you're trying to pressure her into it?

I don't blame her. I wouldn't give it up to you either. Bet it looks to her like you only want sex!

If she's not ready MENTALLY, nothing you can do is going to change that. Try being patient, loving, kind, and gentle.

Also--try not to communicate by private message on these boards. Since you responded in a message to someone, the rest of us have no idea of any details you've only given ONE person.

sant55 · Dec 3, 2007, 08:36 PM

Thank you very much Synnen. I think you are correct. She has told me to be patient. But how long I can wait?? And I think I hv been loving, kind, and gentle to her, thanks again.

kp2171 · Dec 3, 2007, 10:03 PM

Does she have orgasms? Scour the threads here and there are LOTS of women who are not satisfied.

That not an attack on you... but its possible sex is not appealing to her for a lot of reasons. Past sexual abuse, past sexual disappointment, physical or emotional stress decreasing libido, etc...

Can you get her to orgasm through oral sex, making it all about her?

Sensuality isn't the same as sexuality, though they should be connected. She just might need more sensuality and less sexuality. The maddening thing and the great thing about sex is that a sexual roadblock can be hell to get past... but once you have a few "wins" you might be past it for good for the most part...

So... id focus on her as much as you can. Latest sex/sensual book I read was "she comes first"... stresses taking you time with a woman, and even though I thought I was a patient guy, turns out I was still forcing things sooner than needed... even when giving oral.

We guys are just wired differently mostly. So making it about her for a while might pay you dividends in the long run. And if it doesn't, then you know you did your part and tried to meet halfway.

Sexual compatibility is something that should be looked at and thought about.

Synnen · Dec 3, 2007, 11:01 PM

How long should you wait?

Until SHE is ready. That might be after marriage.

No matter how patient you think you're being, for many women, sex isn't a goal in a relationship. It's nice, it's great--but not as good as being close to your boyfriend/husband/whoever. And the thing is--once you HAVE sex, it's really hard to go back to NOT having sex.

Sex isn't a reward for you doing everything right for her, being patient and kind and loving and whatever.

Sex is, for many people, an expression of love that is more fulfilling ONLY if the rest of the relationship is solid and trusting.

So... if you want to know how to show her THAT--back off. Don't bring up having sex. Don't push her towards sex. When she says stop, stop completely, with no "but I NEED yous" or "but I love you baby" or "it hurts to go unfulfilled as a man" or dirty looks, or heavy sighs, or whatever else might make her feel guilty for saying no to sex. Just stop, and be okay with stopping.

Look at it this way--you're getting all the REST of that sexual play, right? Make the PLAYING the goal, not the sex, not the orgasm. Just the feelign good together, being comfortable together.

goelpunit · Dec 3, 2007, 11:41 PM

I think synnen is right.

sant55 · Dec 4, 2007, 09:39 PM

Past sexual abuse, past sexual disappointment, physical or emotional stress etc... yah I think are the reasons. (because she has told me many times that her ex-husband was like a rapist.) she had an operation 7 months back, in which she had to throw her uterus, this may also hv changed her behavior. She doesn't like oral. I hd complete stop many times when she said NO. anyway, thank you all very much for your best suggestions and for reading my problems. Lets hope I will hv good relations again. THANKS.

sant55 · Jan 22, 2008, 03:09 AM

Hi all,
This time I have a good news for all. This time she has agreed (we are going to meet soon in few days), as advised by you, I tried to prepare her mentally. Please suggest me more about the foreplay /actions , I want her be ready for all the times in future. Thanks

goelpunit · Jan 22, 2008, 03:43 AM

Hi Sant, how are you?? Do slowly... slowly... slowly... not in hurry... Do like as she want... she will be with you forever... :)

"Nothing is impossible in this world,
Even impossible says i+m+possible."

smoothy · Jan 22, 2008, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

She isn't willing/ready to have sex, and you're trying to pressure her into it?

I don't blame her. I wouldn't give it up to you either. Bet it looks to her like you only want sex!

If she's not ready MENTALLY, nothing you can do is going to change that. Try being patient, loving, kind, and gentle.

Also--try not to communicate by private message on these boards. Since you responded in a message to someone, the rest of us have no idea of any details you've only given ONE person.

I agree... if you were doing all the right things the SHE wants to see, then she would be climbing all over you. There is no blueprint or road map to get what he wants from her. You have to learn what SHE wants and fulfill those needs. There is a lot more to this than inset tab "A" in slot "B" remove then repeat so many young guys seem to think is all there is to making love.

kp2171 · Jan 22, 2008, 10:51 AM

Buddy, there's no script, especially with what she's been through.

Forget about foreplay. I've said it before, you need to get into her head before you get into her pants... and right now, I wouldn't even be pushing that issue.

Have a nice dinner, find a blues bar and dance with her like a lover before you are one. Connect with her without trying to figure out the right buttons to push.

I get it that you are sexually pent up. That's OK. Its reasonable. But you've chosen to be with someone who has a rough sexual history and she has not healed. Its going to be work, and probably its going to take more the "mentally preparing" her... this isn't studying for the ACT.

Have you read any books on body massage or sensual touching? Have you read any books about sex?

Have you asked if shed like to go to counseling for her past and that you'd be willing to go with her to work through it?

You can face the symptom or the cause.

If you want this to work long term you need to be patient and active. That means sometimes you touch her to let her feel you touching her and that's it. No pressure. No disappointment.

If you can sensually connect to her, maybe you can sexually connect with her at some point. But as it stands, I'm guessing if she's willing to have sex, its more out of "obligation" and a desire to not disappoint you.

And that's not sexy at all.

Its not your fault that she's been through some rough times. And you shouldn't feel guilty if you can't be the person who does the hard work to help her through this. But if you stay, and you want it to work, you probably need to back off the sex push a little and try to help her be able to connect with you sensually, step by step.

And if somehow she insists she's ready and jumps into bed, my suggestion is don't push anything. Touch her slowly and thoughtfully, trace her body like you have all night. A few simple sensual experiences can go a long way toward helping her feel comfortable again, perhaps.

kp2171 · Jan 22, 2008, 10:56 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

Make the PLAYING the goal, not the sex, not the orgasm. Just the feelign good together, being comfortable together.

I'm not trying to downplay how great an orgasm can be (see my signature) but when sex is all about the orgasm, not getting one makes any sexual play automatically a "failure."

Synnen · Jan 22, 2008, 10:59 AM

KP--if you're having cookies with your orgasms---are they sandwich cookies?

You're not actually having cookies in BED, are you? That would be a really crumby thing to do.

kp2171 · Jan 22, 2008, 11:07 AM

Too funny

Who says you can't have sex in the kitchen??

Synnen · Jan 22, 2008, 11:31 AM

Good point.

Though really, not applicable in the situation the OP describes.

Maybe he could make her some cookies?

Choux · Jan 22, 2008, 11:49 AM

I get the feeling that she is a more sophisticated, mature kind of person than you are, sant. You are direct and goal oriented, and she is deep and fragile... Why is it that you were attracted to her? She's a great person, right?

I think you may have to face the fact that you don't have what she wants emotionally. Can you crack open your heart and find empathy and emotion for your friend? That would be a start to a fabulous orgasmic life! :)

Best wishes in the coming year,

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