[Big_Huckleberry]

I am a single dad with a really great girlfriend. I have a problem however. Because I am a man, I need some time away from my girlfriend just to do stuff, like pay bills, clean my house, or just watch TV without being interrupted.

We don't live together and my kids take up a great deal of my time. 30 minutes out of my day is huge. At any rate, I have explained to my girlfriend that I want a couple of days a week where I basically keep to myself, and would prefer that she not call unless it is something important. Her preference is to chat/IM/call/be with me all of the time, 24/7.

I find that suffocating. So I have a routine. 1 or 2 days during the week for me (except parenting stuff), 1 or 2 days during the week doing stuff like spending time with the kids, and 2 or 3 days during the week end where she and I spend time together, with and without the kids.

She says she feels like I am putting rules and constraints on her, like she is in a box. But from my perspective I am simply setting boundaries on my own life. I am not telling her what to do with her time during the times I want to myself, just explaining that my time is my own and it is mine to choose who I will or will not share it with.

If I let her have her way and answer the phone whenever she calls and talk to her until she gets tired of talking, I would (a) go insane, (b) never get anything done.

I did a Google for other guys who have similar problems with their girlfriends trying to take up too much of their time, but only found posts by wimps who were so clingy wondering why their girlfriends never call, or if they should let them call all of the shots in their life, that I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with them.

At any rate, I know what I need and I need my time alone so the only real question that remains is is there a way to get her to see this or should I simply break it off, even though she is a really fantastic person and I really enjoy having her in my life (just not constantly).

[mafiaangel180]

This is normal. I'm going to be honest, I never had a boyfriend who was clingy. All of my guys wanted time to themselves. And this is good, cause it will give her time to herself. Maybe you are more introverted than she is. Check out her MBTI personality type if you are into that sort of thing.

But I wouldn't give up for that reason alone.

[BMI]

This situation reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Kramer wants to go home and sleep after sex:)

I think that she, or any girl, would be offended by the suggestion of not calling unless it's important. I'm not saying you don't have a point, however, maybe it would be best to not keep this relationship going while you take time for yourself. Saying you want her, but only some of the time is trying to eat the whole cake, can't happen. It's basically all or none from where I stand.

[Big_Huckleberry]

I appreciate your understanding and wisdom here. I have never heard of an MBTI but I am going to Google it.

This is normal. I'm going to be honest, I never had a boyfriend who was clingy. All of my guys wanted time to themselves. And this is good, cause it will give her time to herself. Maybe you are more introverted than she is. Check out her MBTI personality type if you are into that sorta thing.

But I wouldn't give up for that reason alone.

[BMI]

Ummmm following this logic would be the logical thing to do in a situation where you focus on yourself more than your mate, most girls I know would tell you where to go if you told them to give you weeks "off" them.

Where you get the manhood issue from is beyond me?? AS for making long term commitments, keep telling women you want time away for weeks and it won't be you not making the long term commitment.

Hope this doesn't afftect your "manhood" huckleberry.

[BMI]

OH, my advice was based on taking the option YOU are considering, y'know breaking it off! So really you are just trying to find a way where you can find the best "cover" to make it sound as nice as possible, hiding the fact that you only want a part-time g/f.

Again,where I'm from, a measure of a man is based on how he treats his woman, not how he plies and schemes to hide the truth. I feel sorry for her to tell u the truth.

[shygrneyzs]

I can respect what you say about time for your children and time for you. Everyone needs that personal space, so to speak. If you have told her when not to call and she calls, then why answer it? After all, it could not be important, could it? Only important things are allowed in their time slots.

I know what you are trying to do but putting limitations like you have may not work to your advantage. It could also be you have the wrong girlfriend. Someone who has to call you 24/7 is a very insecure person. Any woman who would be involved with you would have to have her own life and not be dependent on when you two can spend time together. She could not be the clingy type who constantly needs reinforcement from you. Maybe you need to look in another direction.

[talaniman]

Take the time you need, and if your partner doesn't understand or agree, then you express your needs, and concerns honestly and respectfully. If there is still disagreement, then maybe you must re-evaluate this situation. When couples cannot communicate, and come to a solution that benefits both, there will be conflict, and you must decide is this all worth it in the first place. Be true to yourself, and honest with others.

[Big_Huckleberry]

Honestly, there are many times I don't answer the phone for the very reason you say. I am actually in the process of re-evaluaing our relationship as we "speak". The thing is, she has a great many qualities I value, but there are issues as well. She has brought a great deal of good into my life, but I am not ready to let her take it over (I will never be ready to do that).

It would be easy for me to simply break it off and look in another direction. It wouldn't be the first time I have done that. But I am actually trying to not be the kind of person who simply disposes of people because they have some inconvenient traits. I appreciate what she does bring to my life but there are a few things that still give me some hearburn and this is a big one. I would prefer, if possible, to find a way to work out the issues with her that give me heartburn.

Obviously, if there can be no resolution to this issue, and a couple others I have yet to discuss, then the only remaining option I would have is to end the relationship. But I am the kind of person who will persistenly try to solve a problem before throwing my hands in the air and saying "I give up". I also am the kind of person who will ask for advice when I need it.

So, is there maybe something about the way I am communicating my needs that I could do differently, that would help her understand where I am coming from and respect it, or do you think this is an issue on her part ant there is really nothing I can do to fix it?

I can respect what you say about time for your children and time for you. Everyone needs that personal space, so to speak. If you have told her when not to call and she calls, then why answer it? After all, it could not be important, could it? Only important things are allowed in their time slots.

I know what you are trying to do but putting limitations like you have may not work to your advantage. It could also be you have the wrong girlfriend. Someone who has to call you 24/7 is a very insecure person. Any woman who would be involved with you would have to have her own life and not be dependent on when you two can spend time together. She could not be the clingy type who constantly needs reinforcement from you. Maybe you need to look in another direction.

[Big_Huckleberry]

In some ways you are right. I don't have the time for a full time 24/7 girlfriend. However I do believe you misunderstood my previous posting. I am not asking for weeks off. I am asking for a couple of days each week off. I don't think that is unreasonable. If you do think that is unreasonable, then I will respectfully agree to disagree with you :) .

In my experience it isn't about how the guy treats his girlfriend, it is about how each partner treats each other and respects each other. I certainly don't believe that the girl by virtue of her girlness, has any right calling all the shots. Again, if you disagree with that, then we will simply agree to disagree.

oH, my advice was based on taking the option YOU are considering, y'know breaking it off! So really you are just trying to find a way where you can find the best "cover" to make it sound as nice as possible, hiding the fact that you only want a part-time g/f.

Again,where I'm from, a measure of a man is based on how he treats his woman, not how he plies and schemes to hide the truth. I feel sorry for her to tell u the truth.

[BMI]

All right, we agree on something:)

Best of luck in working it out.

[Big_Huckleberry]

One of the frustrating things about this web site, is that you can't go and change your ratings once you have made them. I just noticed that I rated your answer below as a disagree, and that was a complete mistake on my part. Apparently I clicked the wrong button and I offer my apologies in that regard.

Take the time you need, and if your partner doesn't understand or agree, then you express your needs, and concerns honestly and respectfully. If there is still disagreement, then maybe you must re-evaluate this situation. When couples cannot communicate, and come to a solution that benefits both, there will be conflict, and you must decide is this all worth it in the first place. Be true to yourself, and honest with others.

[enigmagnetic]

I don't even need to read the other's posts, you seem rather logical. You are secure with yourself and what you want. You must understand that a lot of times women will do this to test your manhood. To see whether they can make you cave in to their demands. Whether they can push you around. That's the way it is at times. The other pertinent aspect of your dilemma is how much you want this relationship to advance, I mean by now you must know that you would eventually have to open yourself up more to get a deeper commitment. If you can't do that then you might expect her to one day move on. She won't wait forever regardless of how clingy she is. That is if she has any self respect. If she is wanting more time and will not be happy otherwise then perhaps she isn't right for you. You shouldn't dedicate more unless you feel that it is right for you. You understand that, but what you're seeking is a moral resolution, I think. This is subjective, I believe, like many other things in the world of dating. Secondly, I think that there are extremes, much like a clingy person a distant person can also be seen as a person not to be with, not that you're distant, it's just that there are always two sides to things.

[talaniman]

A very good point about being tested, and opening up to express yourself to her clearly. If respectfully honest, direct communication of your feelings doesn't work, this relationship will not go far. There is nothing wrong with moving on if you feel you can't work it out. Saving heartache and misery later would be better than beating a dead horse.

[s_cianci]

You seem to have a healthy take on the situation. I can't say the same for your girlfriend. She's actually a female version of the "wimps who are so clingy, wondering why their girlfriends never call" that you speak of. You've clearly set your limits and you did the right thing. Now let the ball be in her court. If she wants to break it of with you because of that then she can make that decision and it'll be her loss.

[Wondergirl]

Btw, the MBTI is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a nifty test that tells the test-taker if he is an extrovert or introvert (plus other stuff) and what that all means.

Certainly there are interesting and important things in this woman's life beside you. I'm sorry she doesn't see it that way. Like someone else said, she probably is a needy person if you have set boundaries and she continually leaps over them. Maybe it's time she sees a counselor and get that resolved, since you are probably not the only person who has noticed this about her (and has problems because of it?).

Talk with her about what book she is reading. Encourage her to find volunteer work at an animal shelter or hospital or library, or encourage her to take a class or two (for fun? ) at the local community college. Those things will make her a more interesting person and will give her some real topics of conversation with you.

She may have a feeling that, if she isn't connected to you in person or by phone, you will forget about her or realize she's not as important in your life as she had thought.

[kp2171]

My wife calls this my "cave time"... as if I should go off and kill some wild thing with my bare hands and then cook it over an open flame while half dressed, alone, watching football and/or cheerleaders in some remote place.

I'm a pretty understanding guy, and she's absolutely not the clingy type. In fact, I tell her she's half guy, since she gets it... she knows when I'm feeling pent up and I need to get the hell away that its not personal. Its just how I'm wired. I think I do a pretty good job of pulling my weight... I'm not inconsiderate... and I try to meet her halfway as much as I can... but that doesn't mean I don't go crazy mad if I can't get away now and then.

So here's the deal... you have to choose what you are willing to put up with for love/sex/whatever-it-is. Even the best love involves compromise... which, in my experience, means doing what she wants after fighting about it.

So the problem is that you don't get to b!tch about it after you decide to stay. You know how she is. She knows how you are. Neither of you get to "fix" the other later on, especially after marriage. I'm not saying both sides don't do some adjustments when you marry... you do and should... but if you think that she's clingy and smothering now you Don't get to whine about it later when you marry and then she really has your pair in a vise.

You know how she is. Doesn't mean she's broken... might mean she's not right for you. Or that you need to think about what you are willing to concede. And if you concede, you don't get to whine about it. Its your choice. Your decision.

My wife had a healthy group of friends before the marriage that she saw from time to time. She also works as top management in a male dominated industry and goes out a lot and gets hit on. OK. Fine. I understand her and she understands me.

She's going to be out of the country for ten days starting today. I know she's going to have a lot of fun. I know she's going to get propositioned. I know she's coming home to me. And I know that I'm going to miss her some but also enjoy the alone time I get. Its how I'm wired and I make no apologies. Thankfully I found a woman who gets it most of the time... and when she doesn't she is willing to bite her tongue because she knows sometimes I don't take off when I want to because the relationship is important to me.

So... don't know what to tell you. If its too hard now it is NOT going to be easier when married. I'm not knocking marriage at all. But it does take work and it does mean having common ground. If she's too clingy now, it will likely not be better later. If that means the relationship isn't right for you, then that's just too bad.

Sometimes it can be mostly great and still not be enough.

[kp2171]

And remember that you are not her girlfriend.

If she wants to chat all the time, she needs a few girlfrends.

My wife, one time, after working her arse off to get into great shape, was getting a little annoyed at the amount of sex I was looking for. She's been pretty accommodating, but I could tell she was surprised that I was coming after her so much.

I finally had to tell her "look... im not your girlfriend. im willing to look at your body, praise you, tell you how great you look... but im a guy. that makes me want to take you to bed. thats how it is. i can't change that. so if you want praise about your progress i can give it, but im not going to pretend that it doesnt get me pent up. if you just want praise without the chase, ask a girlfriend how you look"...

She laughed and took it well... like I said, she's half "guy" cause she gets it... but the point is if she's im'ing all the time either she's young, this is her first serious relationship, or she doesn't have enough friends to talk to.

Sometimes you have to remind your partner that you are a guy, not a girlfriend. Some guys are fine playing the butler role. More power to them. I can't and I don't think you can either.

[kiki_doki]

It is difficult when you have kids to attempt to give everyone time (including yourself). I, for example do not answer phone calls or texts when I pick my kids up from school (until they go to bed), not even to my husband! My people have been warned that I am busy with my children at this time therefore no one is offended when I don't pick up because they know why!! (thats time with my kids). People in our lives need to understand that while they may be child free and not enjoy 'me' time (well you don't really appreciate it until you have none and no choice in the matter) us parents have to take time out from everyone in our lives and just "listen to our bones creaking" as my dad says. Otherwise insanity is a one way street!! Hopefully there will come a point when your g/f stops stropping about it and begins to understand... If you have told her you are engaging in 'me' time then DO NOT pick up calls or messages and eventually she will get the message!! If that point never comes then did you really want another child as a g/f anyway? (thats if she's incapable of change! )