[ucisgone]

OK, so this is a very awkward situation... to my friends, its always been "man, do you live in an episode of the oc?" seeing as I have never actually done this, I don't know what to do to receive advice here, so ill just be as truthful as I can remember and go through the whole thing. There are some dreams and hopefully someone can tell me the astrology of the situation maybe too-ive heard we're not compatible or something? At this point, ill try anything. So first, ill try to begin... I don't know if any of you have ever read "Atonement" by Ian MacEwan, quite similar to that instance I suppose. It's a good book regardless...

I've known my ex for 15 years. Our families were very close friends when we were younger, our fathers both worked at the same place. Our moms became best friends. For about 10 years, we went on trips together, had holiday dinners together, weekends together, had the same baby sitters when our parents went out, etc. we were always very close, since earliest memories.

In about 1999, her father broke up with her mom, he'd been cheating. Her mom drew closer to my dad... my parents got into nasty arguments, it was very unclear what was happening. My dad ended up leaving by 2001, and ended up with her mom. Yes... I know. Her and I were in high school, it was very tough. We would talk about what was going to happen, why were our parents being so crazy? I was two years older, a junior, she a freshman. We grew even closer as friends because we were in the same boat, the same problem, so insecure. I didn't know it at the time, but she was developing a crush on me which she later told me she felt she could never act upon. By the time I was a senior, she was starting to date around with other guys, who would come to me thinking I was a bit like her brother (now that our parents were together, and we were so close,) asking for advice. Id give it away, but never liked any of the guys she was with. Neither did she, they lasted on average of about a month.

By the time I graduated in 2003, we were best friends, nearly inseparable, and I would introduce her to other friends as "this is ---, shes kinda like my sister," she would always interrupt and say she wasn't, and it wasn't until later that I knew why. I was also growing a lot closer to her mom, my mom moved away, and we started being a bit like a family. Crazy crazy crazy I know. That summer I got a job over by her house, and it was suggested that I live in the guest room. So I did, and over the next few months before school started, we were probably the most amazing two friends ever. I remember people commenting about how we were like the ultimate pairing that could never be. By late August, it was kind of weird though, I didn't know why. Shed decided after a few years to make her move... not knowing how I would react. Ironically, that night my dad and her mom got in a fight, and he left. We didn't think he was coming back, and were scared. Was this all going to happen again, now to us? We stayed up all night in the pool, jacuzzi, talking. By about 3 am we went inside and sat down on the couch, talking. I fell asleep with my head in her lap. When I woke up, she was there, looking at me. I didn't know how to react, but I could see in her eyes what she wanted. And I had wanted it too for some time, I realized then. I kissed her and instantly felt more peaceful than any other time in my life. When I drew back, it was on... a fire that for me still burns. We almost slept together that first night, because each step didn't feel weird at all, it was like best friends who finally just look at each other by some way the light hits them or something funny. In this case, now my dad and her mom breaking up (they were never married). We fell asleep on the couch, apparently oblivious to the world. Clothed of course. We used to do this a lot, but not after something like this. Her mom found us on the couch the next morning and didn't think anything of it. We carried on in secret for 2 months, (yeah, dating the girl literally upstairs) but then I moved to my college dorm (nearby fortunately), so we had to come out of our "closet." not met with much enthusiasm by affected parties. My father was PISSED, her mom didn't do much of anything publicly to me. But I know she didn't want us together either. So I bowed to them, we broke up for about a week. But putting people apart makes them grow closer together, so we went back to each other in a flash. They stopped trying. We were together for about a year and a half, but it has always seemed like so much more because of everything before. Almost like she is in every memory of my entire life. Trips all over, holidays together, we were each others first loves and had both been virgins. Later she would tell me how lucky she felt that she had had shared all of that with me.

An unfortunate thing that happened is my dad/her mom got back together. So... what the hell do we do there? Didn't know, so we kind of all avoided each other. By about the time we broke up, I was a 2nd year in college, she a senior in high school. With college pending, she began to tell me she was separating herself from everyone, her mom, me, her good friends, and getting new friends that she didn't care about so she could leave and be happy and not miss anyone. But, she would tell me I was her best friend in the world, and that she wanted to stay with me. She would apologize for how mean she was being, how she was cruel, and wouldn't say why she had to be apart from me. Then one day, I kissed her, and it was like nothing was there. She had gotten into her first choice (3000 miles away. We had talked about how much we would miss each other) that day, and we were going to celebrate. That morning she called me to tell me, texted me at school, said we were going to dinner... and that night she said she wasn't "in love" with me anymore and we were done. I cried and cried and begged and pleaded but no avail.I even got on my knees in front of her on her street. I pushed my head in her stomach and she told me to "get up before she hit me." I guess it was bad... anyway, we didn't see each other much from that point. She told me we were done forever, so I walked away. Some emails, a few cups of coffee, lunches until summer. She was with a new guy, who was going to school far away enough from her that he wasn't going to last. I know still he doesn't have anything on her heart like I do, so I have never worried really about him... more about what is going on in her heart that drives her away from me. I was going to europe, she would be gone to school when I got back. It was sad. She told me that of course she loved me, but still wanted something more. So, I left.

I hadn't seen her for 5 months until this week. Its awkward because with our respective parents dating again, her and I apart, what do we do? Its like we're forced to relive it. Her pictures around my house, mine around hers... looking at her room now that she's gone to college, the walls that I painted, books that I read, furniture that I moved... I still do odd jobs over there for her mom. Back at my house, its filled with her too, my surfboard and snowboard are from her, a couple pieces of furniture, stuff we got each other when we were kids, old pictures, movies of 15 years ago. My whole library has her little notes in the books that she would write in the margins so when I read them later I would know what she was thinking about the page.

She has literally not been out of my mind for a minute over these past 8 months. And she tells me I am not on hers. All I can think about is getting back together with her-she says we will never be together again, but we'll always be close. Once she wrote that "no matter how far away we are from each other, no matter how long since ive seen you, and no matter how different we are: I know I WILL ALWAYS love you. And thats why you are the most special person in my life." this when it became more and more obvious that college was on the front of her mind. I sent her flowers at school for her birthday, she sent me a card that told me she thought of me the other day and mentioned a lot of our inside jokes, and she signed it love.

So this week at dinner: she avoided me at first (big party, 39 people-most probably don't know we dated) her mom, my dad all there. She at one point was standing by herself. I asked if she wanted to talk. She at first said no... but then when I started to walk away, she moved towards a table. We talked about school and things, about why she hadn't called, and life. At the end, I decided to give her a present that I didn't send for her birthday, a bottle of sand from her favorite beach (she likes to chew the grains-i know, weird, but those are the things you get to know about somebody). I told her I still had no peace. She told me id better find it, because she was never coming back. I told her I have never believed her when she said that, and she said "of course you wouldn't." as she walked out the door, I said "by the way, you look great." she told me I did too. I texted her saying it was nice to see her, and that I meant she looked beautiful. She texted back saying "it was nice to see you too."

[ucisgone]

Continued:


So after five months of not seeing each other, and some contact through email, letters etc (no phone), we talked to each other face to face for about 30 minutes. And I've never given up, and even though she said never, I felt stronger than ever. I've been having some weird dreams about her lately, ill tell a few of them now, starting with the one the night before I saw her ( I knew I would see her at dinner a few days before)

1. this is the night before thanksgiving dream. I'm at her house downstairs. I don't know if we're together or not. She comes down the stairs in the dress she wore to our one year anniversary. It looks wonderful, but the color is wrong. The real dress is green, this one is a blend of purple and brown. Her hair is straightened, which she did maybe twice her whole life, and in a pony tail, which she also only does when playing soccer. She looks at me, shows me that she's wearing nothing underneath, but I sit there like I don't care. She walks out the front door. I'm trying to talk to her now, but I don't know what I'm saying. She's in her car now in the driveway. There's some guy that she doesn't really love, in fact, he's kind of ugly. He's just one faceless guy who years from now she won't remember, other than that she kissed him in front of me. He's kissing her in the car, but she's looking at me. Dream over.

2. only a few times I've had this one. We're at my boat. She usually wears contacts, but in the dream, she's wearing glasses. (when I described this dream to a friend, I was told she wore glasses that day). I'm chasing her down the dock. She's not looking at me the whole time. I get down to my boat, but she's now on the dock across the way. Now she's looking at me. She still doesn't say a word. She takes her glasses off and drops them in the water. I dive in and swim across to get them. I catch them in mid water, and swim back up. When I look up, she's staring right down into me (into my soul, its terrifying almost). Her eyes (both of ours are in actuality almost exactly the same shade of blue green) are now silver, terrifying. She's watching me bring them up. I talk to her but again she doesn't say a word. Dream over.

3. multiple recurrences. We're laying in bed somewhere. She's staring at me, perfectly. I know she doesn't love me, but she still smiles at me like she does. She closes her eyes in content happiness. Its comforting but sad at the same time. Sometimes its not the bed, it's the couch we first kissed on, only we're outside her house, not indoors. She keeps looking at me. I talk, she says nothing. Now I'm away from her. She's underneath a man, I think they're making love. I don't know why, but I'm watching. She's looking at me, holding onto him. I feel sick, but I don't look away. She opens her mouth as if to say something, but looks out her window. She usually leaves it open to hear the wind in the trees. The guy is gone. I'm on her covers, over her. She is underneath. She is sitting looking at me, no smile this time. Lips perfectly sealed across, eyes cold, the way they look now. I don't say a word. She moves as if to say something, but is silent. Dream over.

Last notes... I'm a libra, she's a virgo... we're 20 and 18... I know I dream about her every night because I wake up and I feel like she was just there, so I try to go back to sleep because that's where I at least see her now... any comments/suggestions/questions for clarification would be awesome and much appreciated. Thanks a lot

[CaptainForest]

You should sell your story to the OC. Or btter yet, try to get some sort of development deal...

Anyway, it sounds like you still love her. That's what I gathered from your testimonial blurb here.

So perhaps you should tell her that you love her (or maybe like her.. dont want to scare her... your call). Anyway, tell her you like her and you want to date her again. See how she's responds.

Either she will want to date you or not, but if she says no, then at least it will be the first step in you moving on past her.

[ucisgone]

She knows I still love her. She sees through me like a pane of glass, and tells me so. She knows I still want to date her. She says she will never date me again. She has said this since we broke up... the problem is I get such mixed signals and the love on one end not equivalent with the love on the other, I don't know how they came together before that pushes them apart now.

And ill try to get in touch with fox.

[fredg]

Hi,
The best think you can do now is to meet some new people. Talking with others is the best "medicine" for trying to forget how badly things have gone.
At 63, married 28 yrs, I have, many years ago, been there... done that.
Not all people are meant for each other. You will find someone who respects you, cares for you, and wants to be with you.
All you have to do is force yourself to meet others. Maybe this will happen for you both, maybe not. Don't force the issue.
She has to make up her own mind. Give her some time.
Mixed signals? She said she doesn't want to date you. That isn't a mixed signal. I do wish you the very best, and good luck.

[ucisgone]

Its mixed when she says she will never date me again but then she tells me about stuff we'll do when we're 40, how I belong out on the east coast, that she still thinks of me as the 18 year old boy (when we started dating) and always will, signs her letters love, etc. how can you say you love someone when you actively and knowingly hurt them so badly