[nclogsdon09]

Tell me what you think

My heart is like a pendulum.
Back and forth it swings
Between platonic feelings
And feeling in love.

But with a few words
And a major action
The string that holds my pendulum
Of a heart together
Was cut.

It sends the ball falling,
Falling into a pool of darkness
To where I must
Reflect on my actions
And dwell in self pity.

This isn't a pool
Where a little kid would want to swim.
No, this is a pool of
Dead dreams, lost hope, and lovelessness.

The pool is very cold
And as I emerge
From the depths of despair
The ripples seem to grow larger
Into a wave so big
That it swallows me
To never return.

And as my heart tries to beat its last beat
All I can think about
Is your beauty slowly turning,
And walking away.

So like I said I want your opinion, or criticism, and really I need a title. So please give a little from each

[Natt]

Hmm that was a good poem really =]
but I haven't got a title or idea of one

[kiki_doki]

It sounds like a deep poem so perhaps what I would do is maybe change a couple of words here and then for example:

The string that holds my pendulum
Of a heart together
Was cut... I would replace cut with severed.

This isn't a pool
Where a little kid would want to swim... I would say Child instead of little kid.

Into a wave so big... Tidal wave, sometime its good to accentuate things!!
That it swallows me
To never return

And as my heart tries to beat its last beat... and here maybe replace tries with struggles.

When I write I always edit my poems and change words for maximum impact.Its a good poem, I love poems that tell a little story and have order as opposed to abstract stuff, just my preference though (",)

A title: maybe
"The uncertainty of 'us'" or
"My ticking heart" or
"Save me" or
"Cause and effect" (my fav)

I know you posted this a little while back but hope my answer helped!!!
Kiki (",)

[jillianleab]

In poetry you want to give a clear picture and avoid ambiguity and concepts. You don't want to write a poem about "love" or "pain" because those are concepts; you want to write about a specific EVENT or PERSON that causes you love or pain. When you get specific, you get closer to concrete. So I read your poem, and I ask, "What major action?"

Opinion, I prefer metaphors to similes, so your first line would read "My heart is a pendulum", instead of "is like". Using metaphors helps cut out words, and poetry is (usually) about getting the point across in as few words as possible.

You've used some pretty good imagery in your poem, but it's bordering on cliché. The dark pool, wave that swallows, depths of despair; those aren't new images - try to think of something unique, it will make your poem stand out.

I think you've made a great start, and obviously this is an event which has inspired you to write, so there's more in there for you to pull out, I'm sure.

To give an example of the first stanza changed a bit, check this out:

My heart is a pendulum
Back... and forth
Love... and loveless

What that does is give a solid image (heart is a pendulum), cuts out extra words, but still gets to the point. It also helps to set a rhythm you might want to stick to - the ticking of a clock. Back... and forth; Love... and loveless mimic one another, you could easily repeat this in other stanzas.

[vingogly]

Similes and metaphors function differently in poetry; it's not simply a matter of choosing one over the other to save words. There is an immediacy and raw primitive power in the metaphor that is diluted by the simile's "like" or "as": it brings the symbol closer to what it refers to. But sometime you need the distance the simile provides you. We see this raw power of the metaphor in La Luna Asoma by Spanish poet Federico Garcia Lorca:

When the moon rises,
The bells hang silent,
And impenetrable footpaths
Appear.

If he'd written "and it's as though impenetrable footpaths appear" it loses much of its power, doesn't it?

Another example: W.S. Merwin writes in When You Go Away about the grief arising from what has gone unsaid to someone who has departed:

And that my words are the garment of what I shall never be
Like the tucked sleeve of a one-armed boy

Note that he uses metaphor in the first line, simile in the second but that are embedded in a rather complex metaphor: even the simile is part of the metaphor. A metaphor and a simile within a metaphor. There's more going on here than cutting out words to preserve the rhythm of the lines: it's a conscious choice on Merwin's part, and he knows exactly what he's doing. The simile inflates the grief of the protagonist's futile words into overwhelming tragedy, I think, and putting a metaphor in its place doesn't work because it performs an important function in these lines. Try this and ask yourself why it doesn't work from the perspective of what's being communicated in these lines:

And my words are the garment of what I shall never be:
The tucked sleeve of a one-armed boy

Not quite the same meaning, is it?

So choose the elements of your poetry carefully; if someone asked you of every word choice, every metaphor or simile choice, "why did you do it that way?" could you provide an answer that would convincing to them? To yourself?

A few other suggestions: many budding poets write a lot of what's call confessional poetry. This is hard to pull off well, since (frankly) no one really cares about someone's strong feelings - everyone has strong feelings, they're a dime a dozen. If you're truly serious about poetry, I'd suggest reading, reading, reading; find poets you admire and try to write something in their style. That will be a great education in and of itself. Read poets on writing poetry. Be your own severest critic: put things aside for six months after you've written them, then come back and either revise them or throw them away. Ezra Pound read T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland, took out his blue pencil, and reduced it from over 1000 lines to its final length of 434. Be a generous creator but a ruthless critic.

Here's some great advice in poetic form that W.S. Merwin received from his mentor, John Berryman:

www.tmcamp.com

Vasily

[jillianleab]

Great points, vin. Metaphors and analogies can both be effective in poetry when used one is selected over the other for emphasis. I just find in most of the stuff I write metaphors work best. :)

Another suggestion if you (OP) want to really improve your poetry is to experiment with forms such as a sonnet, a villanelle, cinquain, etc. It's a great way to really think about the words you put on paper since you must stick to the form.