[lavenderly]

I am in my mid twenties and have a crush on S for 11 years. Though it seems long, the soft spot i have for him is still there. We are both from the same church and we both knew each other since young. I do not hang out with him alone but we do have many common friends and hang out in a group.


S already has a girlfriend for 9 years! I told myself that i am putting S on a pedestal, thinkin he is the best and ideal guy because i do not know him well. So i tried to be mere friends with him so that i will also see his flaws and not treat him as the only good man on earth.


After a few years and knowing him well, i still think that he will make a good husband and a great father. When his girlfriend went overseas to further her studies, i tried to let him know how i feel. But i can't tell him directly as we are from the same church community since young. Our belief is to stay in the same church that we baptised in till death ( do not judge my religion). If i spoil the friendship, people in church will definitely say that i wreck S's relationship.


During that time, i hanged out a lot with my cousin brother who hangs out with S often. My sister tagged along too. One day, when i went to the toilet, my sister blurted out to S that i have a crush on him and told him to be careful since i might tear down his relationship.


Days later, when i found out what my sister said, i got so angry and scolded her. I also cried because i was afraid my efforts have gone down the drain. Turned out i was wrong. S showed interest in me, but neither of us dare to say anything more serious about our feelings for each other.


Soon, S's girlfriend returned. She sense that something was amidst. In order not to hurt her (because she is also a friend of mine in church), i chose to tone down things with S. I just give him a smile or only talk to him when in a group.


This went on for 3 years. I thought i had finally let this crush go away so i dated my current boyfriend for 2+years. He asked my hand in marriage recently and i so wanted to say yes. But sadly, i cannot let go of S completely and still sees him in church with his girlfriend. S has never dated another girl in his life. And i know that S's girlfriend pursued him when they were both teenagers.


I am afraid S can never say no to his girlfriend because everyone in church, including their families, expect them to get married. S told me that he is saving for his wedding in two years' time. He purposely told me this and i wonder whether he is trying to tell me to make me forget about him or to make me confess my feelings for him before it is too late. He has been treating me well and definitely cares more for me than other friends we have in church.


I need to know what to do now. I can't let go of S although my boyfriend is an extremely good and kind gentleman. I also cannot leave my church. I cannot bear to see S getting married and having children. Please help...

[statictable]

I imagine you are in a distant place where daily burdens have been well defined before the day's begun. I will not criticize the church you belong to but it sounds like a really fun place to grow up in. I bet you can meet some nice people there.

Why did you tell your sister?? Not what the church would want you to do.

You should not worry. Have faith in your future and remember there will always be men who you will happy with no mater where you are.

[George_1950]

"I can't let go of S although my boyfriend is an extremely good and kind gentleman. I also cannot leave my church." Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

[talaniman]

The way I see it if your church is more important than your happiness, you stay where you are, since you are unwilling to go against what they lay down as law.

[ordinaryguy]

Whatever you do, fifteen years from now, you'll look back and wonder how your life would have been different if you had chosen otherwise. Everybody who lives long enough has these questions, but nobody has the answers. All you can do is find your truest center, then act from there.

[talaniman]

This does explain your other posts.