[Udontwant2knowme]

I’m going to apologize in advance for how lengthily this question is. There is at least one secret being kept from everyone I know. Big, life changing, soul crushing secrets. I really am an awful person. I suffer with anxiety but that’s something I can keep in check. Well I guess I should do a quick run down of my history so my current state of mind may be easier for everyone to dissect.
I was born a bastard love child. My mom was sleeping with a married man and here I am. My biological dad is not right mentally. Lots of drugs and alcohol to boot. When I was 2, he shot up my mom’s apartment with a 357 magnum when she wasn’t home. There was another child like me with a different woman but older. He also had 3 kids with his wife. So my mom married a different guy when I was 4 or 5 I can’t remember exactly. But I never knew he wasn’t my real dad. He had 2 kids from a previous marriage & he & my mom had 2 kids together, my sisters. He was a rotten man. He never abused me, but the fights he & my mom had were unbearable. He never hit her, but he would destroy objects in the house, to include the house itself. He would scream and belittle her, smashing dinner plates, telling her what a piece of crap whore she was. He beat our dog. It hurt me more to see him beat our dog than it did to see him make my mom cry. Our dog wasn’t allowed upstairs. One time he went up there and I kicked him so hard so dad would hear him yelp and would be proud of me instead of screaming at me. That’s how fearful I was of him. Mom got rid of the dog for its own good.
When I was 15, my life started unraveling. I somehow just knew he wasn’t my dad. So this uncertainty somehow morphed into hate and rage. Which in turn, led to drugs and sex. And lots of it. I begged for my mom to tell me the truth about dad because I just knew. She did and things got worse. Now I had a reason to hate him. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was dying inside. I cut myself. The worst one was the length of my forearm, on top of it. I did that so I could blame him and others would hate him the way I did. When I was of age, I moved out. Then back in. We actually had come to terms and were peaceful with one another.
At 18, I had an abortion that he never knew about. It broke my mom’s heart. The thing that will haunt me for the rest of my life is the lack of feeling I had at the time. I didn’t care at all that I took an innocent human life. I started to straighten out after that.
At 20, I got engaged to a guy I dated for only 3 months. In the armed forces. A drunk, but a good guy overall. Mom insisted on a wedding and believe it or not, dad & I made up and danced to Stevie Nicks’ Landslide. Truly one of the top 5 most touching moments in my life. We were, and still are, at peace and I love him. He is my father.
So I got married and moved out of state. I had been drug free and mentally stable for close to 2 years. My husband got sent over seas for 6 months and guess what crazy me does? Cheats. I had been married to husband #1 for around 2 months. It was a long struggle getting my family to forgive me and accept my new man. And after a long ugly divorce, I married the man I cheated with. I’m still with him. 3 years going strong. But we had problems. Before we were even married. We physically abused each other and emotionally tore each other down.
I found out my biological father whom I’d never met died.
Anyway, my new husband was also in the armed forces and traveled a lot. I forgot to mention, he was also struggling with a nasty divorce from an abusive marriage. So, he came home from traveling one time with hickeys on his neck claiming a stripper did it to him while giving him a lap dance. Whatever. Next time he went out of town, I cheated. Zero emotion involved. But I did it. 3 times with the same guy. I can try to say well he cheated first but that’s no excuse and I know that. So I cut ties with the guy. A while later, I kissed a different guy. Only a kiss before I started to really hate myself for what I was about to do and I ran so far so fast away from that situation.
Then we moved out of state again. We started to fight again, but he has never laid another hand on me. One particular drunken fight, I got so out of control, I cut myself with a steak knife right in front of him. Straight across my biceps. I should’ve gone to the hospital. It was that deep. I had to stay home from work for 3 days to let it close up. He told me if I ever cut myself again, he’d leave. So I haven’t. He has helped me in so many ways. He helped me gain confidence in myself and realize that I do deserve happiness in my life.
So as time went on, he got out of the military and we couldn’t be better. After a bit, our money started to dwindle. We got the bills paid, but had literally zero leftover to eat or drive an extra mile or anything. I bought him a $23 shirt for his birthday that we had to return so we wouldn’t overdraft. At this moment, we have $11 to get us to Friday when I get paid. We’re barley keeping our heads above water.
Then guess what? I cheated again. But this time, I actually cared about the man. And guess what else? He 18 years older than me, wife, kids, and the son of a frigging self made millionaire. God help me. He really is great, and he begs and begs to help me financially but I’ve never taken anyone for granted like that. I guess it’s how I was raised. Poor and all. But he’s a crazy man. Once when my husband was out of town and I was mowing the lawn, he freaked out because I didn’t answer my phone. He actually showed up at my house. After I had told him I was going to mow that darn lawn that evening. He drinks a lot too. Imagine that. He cries to me. For me. He’s crazy. I was afraid of him leaving his wife. He knew I would never in a million years leave my husband. People at work caught wind of what was going on and I ended it.
Now that we’re up to speed, here’s where my problem is. Of all that wild messed up nonsense, never in my life have I been this scared, nervous, depressed, moody, hateful, but most of all, I feel like 2 different people at times. I know I can be a very self loathing destructive person if I’m not careful, but I’ve never been this scared of myself. Not to mention work has never been so awful, but I won’t get into the details. But I’m trying to find a new job, and I can’t take a pay cut because of our financial situation. But I need out. Oh I forgot to mention the 2 DUI’s in 2 different states within 2 years of each other that caused me to lose my driving privileges. That makes it harder to find work. I feel all alone here. Yeah I’ve got my husband but sometimes that’s not enough. My family is 1000 miles and 5 states away and so are my husbands. I have no friends here. I feel like a total failure. I’ve failed at work, I’ve failed my marriage, I’ve failed my family, and everything I touch turns to crap. Any one that comes into my life gets hurt. I know exactly what I want in life and exactly where I want to be. But it seems impossible for us to ever get there with our current situation. I feel stuck. Like I’ll never attain my goals.
Thing is though, when I’m my happy self, I’m absolutely radiant. I’m funny, quick witted, intelligent, and I can’t believe I’m going to say this but I’m beautiful. Like model beautiful. Other than the scars of course. When I’m happy, everyone wants to be near me. I have the ability to not only enjoy life, but be smitten with it and make others enjoy life as well. I have a bleeding heart too. I would give up everything to help my loved ones. Heck even strangers. I’m the girl that puts the spider under a cup to let him outside instead of squishing him when he’s in the house, even though he makes my skin crawl. I can’t bear the thought of killing him. I’m the girl that cries when I see that sad Purina dog food commercial with Sarah McLaughlin in it. I’m the girl that gives the homeless people on the streets my McDonalds monopoly pieces that are winners of like a Mc Muffin or something. But that’s when I’m happy.
So what the hell is my problem now? I’ve actually thought about ending my misery, but realized, oh yeah, I’ve failed there too because I haven’t got any life insurance. And I refuse to leave my beloved husband with nothing but my debt. I’ve never been this far gone before. I feel as though I’ve lost grip of myself. Like I said, I suffer with severe anxiety, but this is different. I’ve never been this empty. I’m almost to the point of giving up. I’m either crying all day at work or staying silent. When I get home, I feed my husband and animals then go to sleep. He’s starting to get pissed about it too. I try to tell him what’s going on with me but all’s he has to say is damn woman, just relax. You’re crazier than your mom.
Why did this happen? Am I finally off my rocker? It’s getting harder and harder every day for me to battle these inner demons of mine. They’re winning. Is it my past? I thought I let go but did I? I know once our financial situation gets better, I’ll get better but I’m one small event away from snapping again. Do I have an actual disorder or just an awful upbringing with the inability to let go? I know my current situation is my fault. The lack of drivers license, the bills, the affair, the awful prison job. I’m actually a member of this board under a different name but couldn’t even bear for internet strangers to know what a cold hearted failure I am. That’s how ashamed of myself I am. Does anybody out there know of anything that will help? I have a very troubled soul, I know, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Can I be forgiven for all the horrible things I've done? I've forgiven myself for some things I think, but should others forgive me? Why have I lost it and what can I do before I lose everything else? Jesus, I am so sorry for this every one.

-Sincerly
Udontwant2knowme (really, you don't)

[peggyhill]

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so bad. YES you can be forgiven for the things that you have done. You just have to be honest with yourself about everything (which it sounds like you are), be truly sorry, ask for forgiveness (from God if you are a religious person and also from yourself either way), and resolve not to make the same mistakes again. Everyone has things that they aren't proud of, but you can't let the guilt over those things control your life. Today is a new day and you can ALWAYS start over! As to whether others should forgive you, that is up to them I suppose. Ideally, everyone would forgive everyone, but that isn't how the world works. If you feel that you have wronged someone, apologize to them, and if they do forgive, great, but, if not, at least you will have done your part. If they aren't able to forgive yet, at least they will appreciate that you sincerely apologized and tried to make it right. I think that you should get some counseling or talk to your doctor about depression. It sounds like you are very depressed. Depression can be from a chemical imbalance, circumstances, the past, stress about finances, etc. If money is a concern, check out the yellow pages and look online to see about free depression screenings where you live. I live in Indiana, and locally, there are free depression screenings held at the United Methodist church every couple of months. Also look in the yellow pages or online for depression support groups, as they can be a great way to find out about local help for depressed people. Even if you can't attend because of your license, maybe they could put you in touch with some people who can help if you give them a call. You could also look for local clinics for the uninsured. There is help out there for you, it may take a little work to find low-cost counseling, etc, but don't give up. You have to look at it this way: You had a hard childhood and a hard life, but you are still here in spite of it all! You have overcome all the hardships in your past! You have learned from your mistakes. You are still here and still trying. So good for you!! Just because you have messed up in the past, doesn't mean that you can't have a good future. I will also post some websites on here about depression that may help. I have to go look at them first, as I can't remember the names. I think that getting some counseling will help you put your past to rest and help you deal with your future. Good luck and God bless!

[peggyhill]

Here are the websites:
How to Get Free or Low-Cost Depression Treatment
http://www.sleepydust.net/DEPRESSON-HELP-html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...son149581.html

[N0help4u]

You ARE holding your past against yourself. I think that where you are is like a clash between who you know you were and who you want to be but haven't figured it out yet and take it out on yourself by lashing out in destructive ways. You have to get to the point where you quit punishing yourself and holding yourself to the past. You NEED to forgive yourself or you will give into defeat that will manifest in more affairs and so forth.
It takes time and you have got to look at each and everything everyday as is this good for working toward my future or will this be a product of my past. Keep spending your time involved in working toward making your goals reality and let go of anything that sets you back.

[Udontwant2knowme]

Thank you so very much

[Udontwant2knowme]

I cried when I read this because I never thought of it that way yet it makes perfect sense. Thank you.

[Udontwant2knowme]

Hi again guys/gals. Thank you so much for taking the time to sincerely offer help/advice. I really wasn't expecting anyone to actually read the whole thing. Much less know what to say to me. I guess I expected to hear something like, you are an awful woman, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself, and you need meds. I don't know. I'm just having a hard time making sense of my thoughts and feelings. It is comforting to know there are people out there that no matter what you tell them, they will still be nice to you and offer caring words. I know if I talked to my mom, she would cry and keep asking oh why honey, why. Or I'm so worried about you, just come home. That's really not what I need to hear because it will just make me feel worse. Obviously, I can only talk so much with my husband. He is clueless as to the affairs. But I'm fairly certain there were times he wasn't faithful. I think deep down, we both know that but choose to just let it go unspoken. We don't have any children, so it's just us. We really are great together. That's another reason I need out of this job so bad is because I still work with the older rich guy and he still wants to have something with me. But I'm in no place in my life to take on that kind of stress and guilt right now. He is a good man that I care about, but I want to be away from him so the temptation isn't there. Because I know I can confide in him since well, duh, he knows about my cheating. I've dabbled in telling how unstable a person I am, I think subconsciously trying to scare him off. My husband comes first in my heart and life. Always. Geez, there I go rambling again. Sorry. Bottom line is, I truly am thankful and relieved that I can openly discuss my warped sense of living and reach out without being chastised. Thank you again for helping me. I've got a lot of work to do.

[N0help4u]

That's another reason I need out of this job so bad is because I still work with the older rich guy and he still wants to have something with me. But I'm in no place in my life to take on that kind of stress and guilt right now. He is a good man that I care about, but I want to be away from him so the temptation isn't there. Because I know I can confide in him since well, duh, he knows about my cheating. I've dabbled in telling how unstable a person I am, I think subconsciously trying to scare him off. My husband comes first in my heart and life.

The way you word that sounds like you do want there to still be something there with this guy but you just want it to be on hold until you feel better about yourself. These are the little things you need to recognize and nip in the bud. You are reaching out to anybody that will listen and understand whether it is healthy or not.

You are right that going back to your mom is N0 solution.

You need to learn to put everything in your life in two categories and take it from there.

-

+

[Udontwant2knowme]

I'm glad you pointed that out. I guess I'm just scared to death and I wasn't kidding when I said I'm all alone other than my husband. He is there for me as a friend and that's what I need him for. He is the only person I have been able to tell at least half of my problems to. The other half is told to hubby. Am I attracted? Yes. But I think I'm just attracted to the idea of a friend. Since I don't have any. I know I need to distance myself from him. The fact that I trust him and care for him hurts me even more because I should just forget about him all together. He doesn't make it easy though. At times he's a great person to confide in then other times he's your typical horny older guy that just wants in my pants. And he wonders why I bite his head off sometimes. No pun intended. Really though, I've come close to slugging him in the mouth a time or two for being a prick. Anyway... When my heart gets to pounding and my throat gets to burning for no apparent reason is when I start to think about what a lousy human I am. Not just lousy daughter, sister, friend, wife. But all of the above, hence, human. That's when I want to hurt myself. Cut myself or perhaps go for yet another drunk car ride. Funny how I'm not scared of the pistols in the house, but more so of the silverware drawer. But it's like I'm fighting myself because I'm disturbed that I even think about that in the first place. Good God almighty, I'm screwed. I do not want to hop into bed with this man ever again. However, I do want a friend such as himself. It can't be him though and I know that. When I feel good, I've never cheated. When I feel better this time, I'll be far away from him and hopefully have a girl friend near by. I wish I could turn off my brain for a while. Oh wait, I can. I'll just sleep like every other miserable damn evening. Got to run for the evening. I'm starting to have nicotine fits as I can't smoke all day at work. I'm going to quit caffeine too. But not cigarettes. Not yet.

[N0help4u]

You know you can come here for friends and support. You need to let go of that guy and make some new friends. Even though you can't talk with your husband try and keep growing closer to him for emotional support even if it is simply telling him you need a hug when you are hurting or spending more time doing things together. Bond closer with him even if it isn't in words it could even be something as simple as painting a room in the house together or going for a walk. Just make and keep time for each other.
Maybe you could look for an emotional support group in your area and meet others that you can relate to that have been through a rough life as well.

[Phason]

I am sort of in the same situration. I do want to know you. I don't care what you done. Please talk to me. Message me.

[MayfairLady]

You don't want to know me... I tried to fill the emptiness inside me with drink drugs sex just like you.. ended up hating myself cutting myself and trying to kill myself but not wanting to die. I knew I was capable of being a loving person but felt like I was two different people inside... I had to make changes. AA helped me see what the underlying problem was and that drink drugs sex self hate etc are just symptoms of this problem. Check out some of their literature see if you can relate to it. All the best.

[Udontwant2knowme]

Thank you again everyone for taking the time with me. I've got some great information and places to start to piece myself back together.

[MayfairLady]

I hope you do investigate AA. You will find that there are a lot of people just like you who share their stories and you will feel supported and uplifted by this... but most of all you will find a solution that works and it is good and it is free and gives you the abililty to live the life you always dreamed of... a normal one with normal things and not madness and chaos at every turn. I truly hope you find your way. If it can work for me it can work for you x

[cerisa]

Dear Udon'twanttoknowme, I hope you get some help- let someone help you.
Forgive yourself, you aren't so different in many ways than people who do not try to do better. Live your life forward, it is the only way to have a clear vision.
Are you opposed to medications? If not, you may feel a whole lot better if you were prescribed meds. There are chemical imbalances that make for a lot of bad feelings. There are doctors who will see you on a 'sliding scale' pick up the phone and find one.
Good luck

[pears]

Without a doubt you are forgivable! Jesus died for your sins and he suffered so you don't have to. Ask him for forgiveness and be free from this torture.

You are NOT your past. Life is only 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it.

Remember, "It's never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot [ 1819-1880 ]

God bless you on your life's journey!

[Udontwant2knowme]

"It's never too late to be what you might have been"

I really do love this quote. Just to let everyone know, I am feeling better than I did last week when I wrote all that. My mom knows I've been awful out of sorts lately, although clueless as to why, and emailed me the serenity prayer. She thinks it's just finances. Anyway, I actually printed it out and laminated it to keep in my purse. It goes like this;

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen

It actually is giving me strength to read it when I wake up and when I go to sleep. I used one of the links posted and found a forum for people suffering with depression. Even though I haven't been diagnosed or anything, it helps to talk about things with others who are like me. Even stupid things. Gets me through the day. My husband & I had a long talk about me falling apart and in turn, losing things that are dear to me. I'm really trying my hardest to get "me" back and he's being supportive. It won't happen over night, but at least I'm taking baby steps. The whirlwind of emotion that made me dizzy last week has subsided a bit so it's easier to deal with what's in front of me now that my head is a bit more level.