[rachel5674]

Hi all... people...

I m in deep trouble and I need help and if you listen to my story.. you will probably know why I'm posting threads in the relationship sector, rather than my favorite computer hardware line.

The fact is that I'm between two guys.

Nothing unusual except that I have been going steady with Guy 1 for five years , but haven't seen him for the past one year because we live hundreds of miles apart.

Guy 2 came in my life as my best friend in a lonely city and one day we had vodka and I was lonely so I ended up having sex with him.

Again, he knows about my finacee, he knows I am getting married, ( the fact is I don't know when we are gettnig married).. Guy 2 works with me, eats with me, gives me cash when I'm down and out, behaves as my best friend, and I like him lots. But then He is a christian, he is 5 feet 3 inches, I'm five feet 8 inches and a Hindu! Not that I mind, but we have a discreet relationship as we are colleagues. It has been eight months of bliss, but no words of love have been exchanged, sex is great, we sleep in each others arms...

What do I do?
I can't leave Guy 1 as he will be devastated... I can't leave Guy 1 as I need him...

[Wildcat21]

Pretty simple - end it with guy 1 now.

You haven't seen him in a year? It's over. He's probably doing the same thing.

Be happy with #2.

Guy 1 needs to know call him or send a Dear John letter. Tell him you care about him, love him - but not in love with him. You've grown way apart.

Long distance relationships are next to impossible.

[Wildcat21]

Guy 1 needs toget over it - he is the fool to come and see you at least once or twice a month. You can't go a year without seeing some and still have feelings - no way.

[fredg]

Hi,
You haven't seen Guy 1 in a whole year? I really don't see how you are "going steady" with someone you haven't seen in a year; you have been with Guy 2, which also means you really aren't "going steady" with Guy 1. It also means that you, whether you realize it or not, might be falling in love with Guy 2.
At 63 yrs old, I can tell you from personal experience that "things change". Most of us have "lost loves" in our memories, and got over it.
Your Guy 1 will get over it, maybe not soon, but will eventually. It is very, very nice of you to be concerned about his feelings, and shows you are a person of respect and cares for others. But, it happens.
My first yr of college, many yrs ago, was hit with my "only true love", writing me a letter telling me she found someone else. We had been apart about a yr. when it happened.
Please let Guy 1 know that it's over, that you are very sorry, but have found someone else. Your happiness depends on you, not anyone else.
I do wish you the best of luck, and sounds like your Guy 2 is the one for you.
I also know, and you can believe me or not, that you will not be marrying Guy 1. If you are having this much fun with Guy 2, then stop thinking about marrying Guy 1, and let him know.

[rachel5674]

Oh thank you so much for your advice, Fredg and Wildcat... I too know I am in a transition phase from one relationship to another, but the fact is Guy 1 met me when I was 18 and when I was in college with no money. He supported me, became my mother and father and believe it or not, I was a horny little kid, but we had sex on my 21 st birthday only! He did not want me to take a wrong step.

How do I write a Dear John letter to this guy?

I feel so wretched, I feel I'm somehow letting go of all the dreams he had weaved for me...

How do I leave a man of five years who gave me the strength to go on at the time when I had left an alcoholic father and a philandering mother ( not that I blame my mom, she too was searchnig for love I guess)?

Do you think I'm a messed up person.. and is it imy good or bad luck to meet two guys, one my mentor, the other my friend and both waiting for me to choose one of them?

I know I have to do something soon, I can no longer get on with this fiasco of trying to keep two guys at once.

[fredg]

Hi, Rachel,
I would write him a letter.
You could start with something like "I am not in love with anyone now, but I really care for you".
I would put in some of the reasons you care for him, as you told us in your last post, as let him know that you will always "be there" for him, as a good friend.
If your father is an alcoholic, your Mom need Ala-Non, to understand why she is not to blame for this.
You might consider going to a couple of Ala-Non meetings yourself, and talking with others in the same situation will really, really, help in understanding what you went through.
It will upset him by writing him a letter, but he needs to know the truth; and it will help you, in turn, by letting him know. I do hope you don't wait too long to write him, as you need some "closure" with this; and move on with your life.

[rachel5674]

Thank fred...

I will write Guy 1 a letter.. and there is really no problem in drafting a nice letter, because I will write to him from my heart.

That I loved him once , and that I can never ever forget what he did for me in all those years, but the fact is that a long distance relationship does not work out.

I already feel much better now, and I can't wait to tell Guy 2 that I have left Guy 1 , for good.

Who knows what the future might hold for me.

A lesson learned , Fred! It takes a lot of hard work to maintain a reltionship and I don't want to be the sort of person in flash and burn sort of relatioship . I am lookinf for a mate, not necessarily for marriage , but for friendship... I find sex is greatest and sweetest.. when you know the other person will be there when morning comes.. holding you...

[fredg]

Hi,
I am 63, married now (second marriage) for 28 yrs to a wonderful woman.
I do wish you the very best, and I know everything will work out for you. Believe me, you will know when you are ready to "be with only 1 man" for the rest of your life.
I know the feelings of being there with someone when you wake up; knew those feelings years ago, before getting married for the first time. Now, after all these years, those feelings are stronger than ever, but now with just the same person!
I do wish you happiness, and remember again, only you can have an impact on your happiness; no one else can do that or change it, unless you let them.

[Wildcat21]

I still don't understand why he did not make an effort to see you. I've had a couple long distance loves and come hell or high water I was going to do anything in my power to see that gal when I could.

He was probably your first love. You needed to experience opther loves. 18 is too young to have your first love. If he is you 'soul mate' he will come back one day. But, in life and love, you need to experience other loves - or you would efintely regret it - Many divorces are by woman who married there first love young and then they turn 35 and FEEL they missed something. You want to go into a marriage with ZERO regrest. Zero.

I know you will be kind to him in the letter. Just tell him you need time and space. Love him, but, because it's been a year not 'in love with him'.

A year is a HUGE time for change - people change every year. You don't even know what he is like any more. It was a big mistake oin his part to leave it like that.

I also bet he must see someone else - you can't go a whole year.

Hell, I went through HUGE changes this past year.

[JoeCanada76]

I too was in a long distance relationship and only seeing this person on the weekends was hard enough for me. I wanted and needed more. It got to the point it was so stressful I was ready to throw in the towel. The stress and hurt and wondering what was going to happen or how the other person feels was too much. Somebody had to make a move... Well she ended up making the move and now we are married. Best friends, lovers, and more. It took a lot of work and I did not see it last too much longer. The more time we did not see each other the more arguments we got into, the more time we did see each other we both are happier. So it only makes sense. I too do believe there are limits to long distance relationships. Some work and some do not. I know a lot of people have been giving you advice but there is one more point I would like to make. Communication is very important. If you write a letter, write down what is in your heart but do not write what others tell you to write. Another thing is after you share your heart and feelings with Guy 1, give him a chanch to respond. Does not mean you have to change your mind, or if he gives you a hard time about it. Hear him out and walk away. Guy 2 you two are obvously closer and once you know it is completely done with Guy 1 and your heart and mind is clear and all of it is expressed then just know that what makes you happy is key. Your happinesses is within a relationship when you are able to be with that person physically and mentally and spiritually. All equally important. There is also a person that I know is married to somebody who lives in another country. They see each other once or twice a year. I do not believe they are truly married or truly have a relationship for that matter because they are never around each other. Good luck and hope all is helpful.

Joe

[Wildcat21]

Jesushelper76 - that's great - you made the effort to see each other - it's so hard to do. BUt, I doubt you you went one year. I think you said you made the effort to se her as much a possible.

You can't go 1 year - PLUs this was her FIRST serious relationship - at 18 you don't don't know much about life. The human brain is NOT fully developed until age 25 - THAT's why I NEVER advise ANYone to marry until AFTER age 25 - NEVER!

This gal new this guy at age 18 - that's an impossible situation - she knew nothing about relationships - zero. Sge didn't get a chance to be a little bit of a bad girl.

[rkim291968]

Thank fred...

I will write Guy 1 a letter..and there is really no problem in drafting a nice letter, because I will write to him from my heart.

That I loved him once , and that I can never ever forget what he did for me in all those years, but the fact is that a long distance relationship does not work out.

I already feel much better now, and I can't wait to tell Guy 2 that I have left Guy 1 , for good.

Who knows what the future might hold for me.

A lesson learned , Fred!! It takes a lot of hard work to maintain a reltionship and I dont want to be the sort of person in flash and burn sort of relatioship . I am lookinf for a mate, not neccessarily for marriage , but for friendship ... I find sex is greatest and sweetest ..when you know the other person will be there when morning comes ..holding you...

Wise decision.

[JoeCanada76]

Wildcat-

Like I said I do not really think it would have lasted if it was a year. She still needs to let him know how she feels before she continues. Let Guy 1 have a chance to respond. Why did she not tell him sooner? Things like that should be asked.

Joe

[Wildcat21]

I agree. This should not have gone a year. And why didn't she make an effort to see him - it can never work that way. People change.

[rachel5674]

HI all.. Guy 1 called me up all of a sudden yesterday.. as if he sensed I was growing apart from him..

He apologized to me for not coming up to see me here and told me to give him the trust and the faith I had given him to make things work out..

It seems he is coming here in March... its a whole of three months...

My heart tells me to wait to give him a chance.

Meanwhile there is Guy 2 on the line..

Is it fair that I keep seeing him?

My consiousness tells me to stop seeing guy 2 for the time being... but what if I lose him if I finally realise that Guy 1 is not for me?

I fel like Bridget Jones somehow.. sad to say real life don't end like in the movies...

[Wildcat21]

March? That's ridiculous.

He's stringing you along. Seriously. March? You're going to wait a year and 1/2? You guys don't know each other anymore.

That's a bunch a BS he fed you. He should have been there yesterday if he really cared.

Keep seeing guy #2 - guy #1 deserves nothing.

[talaniman]

Are you sure guy1 is real or just a figment of your imagination.After a year and a half of no contact this ain't no relationship!! Go with guy 2 ,guy 1 is too busy to tell you he cares. I can't imagine going a year and a half without contact if I cared for this person.Forget 1 go with 2 ,you owe 1 nothing, no note, no flowers, no explanation, no time! :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[Wildcat21]

They've had some contact.

But, if you're not spending time together then you don't know anything about that person anymore. You guys have definitely grown in different directions.

Again - if soemone really wants to be with you they would do anything to get together.

[s_cianci]

There are a few things in your post that are unclear and don't add up. First of all, you state that you've been going steady with Guy 1 "for 5 years." You then go on to state that you haven't seen him "in over a year" because he lives "hundreds of miles away." Now, how did you manage to go steady with someone who lives "hundreds of miles away" for 5 years? Did he initially live in your area and then relocate? If so, then I have to ask myself why the "hello" would he go steady with you for 5 years and then move "hundreds of miles" away from you? Perhaps he had compelling reasons to go, but then he should have either taken you with him or turned down the job offer. I'm sorry, but nobody has to travel "hundreds of miles" to find a job. Jobs are just as plentiful in one area as in another. Certain regions may pay more for the same type of work than others, but this is almost always offset by an increased cost of living in the area where wages are higher, so making such a move just for a higher salary isn't justified. Something just isn't right here. Secondly you speak of a "fiance" in your post but go on to say that "you don't know when you're getting married." Now, is this fiancé the same as your "guy #1" or is there a third person involved? You mention you are Hindu ; has your marriage been arranged by your family, ultimately precluding either Guy 1 or Guy 2? If that's the case you can always elope with your Guy 1 , Guy 2 or any other guy of your choosing but then you run the risk of alienating yourself from your family and I know that's very important in eastern cultures. In any case, the only thing that seems to be on the up-and-up is your relationship with guy 2 so I'd give that careful consideration when making any life-altering decisions.

[rachel5674]

Hello..

In answer to your queries, I met Guy 1 in college, when he was there to oversee a building project for his organization.

My college term was for four years and during this time I was steady with him and had plans to marry him once I passed out.

Ah yes, the eastern culture, that's where the problem arose in the first place.
Family obligations... my sister is studying medicine here, at my current location and because we do not have a father, I had to come over here to stay with her and help with paying the astronomical fees. I am earnig a good sallary here and my fiance( ?) is back home ,where his overseeing work will be over by next year ( ?).

Fact is both of our families are against our union... he being of cosmopolitan royalty and I a commoner (sic).

I cannot go back home for a simple reason that I will not get a job that pays equally well in my small township. He will not come here... till March... till his work is over.

Fact is.. I am not afraid of going against my family... but I had not calculated on meeting Guy 2 here..