[jomore]

I know that this question seems to have appeared many times before on the forum, but I feel this situation is slightly different to the others.

I'm wrecking myself with anxiety and paranoia. Here's a little background:

I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 2 years now, and while she's in college, I'm working about 300 miles away. We've been very happy, having no arguments at all. We've been telling each other that we love each other ever since our 6-month anniversary by whatever means we communicate - phone, web, sms text. We've been talking about our future together and have been enjoying an active sex life from the start... until recently.

She's in her last year at college, and has recently been very busy with various essays and other stuff. I try to visit her as often as I can but its hard with working so far away. Whenever I visit we always have fun and a lot of sex (she's always been happy and horny).

However, I've noticed a change in her the past few weeks. She's stopped mentioning that she loves me when we sms each other, and only says that she does (on the phone) when I say it first. I know she's busy, but she's actually stopped sms'ing me - I have to phone and ask her about her day. She's also stopped talking about our future together.

When I visited her last weekend we had sex the first night, but whenever I tried to instigate it in later days (and being romantic about it) she said no... which is fine by me, but then she suddenly became depressed and started crying. I held her for a while and asked her what was wrong, but all she said (what I think is an excuse) that it was her hormones. After that, all she did was work through the weekend - making me feel like she was trying to avoid me.

I love her so much, but I get the feeling that she's about to finish it with me. I wouldn't know what to do without her. I've begun having major anxiety attacks that last until I speak to her, but I'm afraid to mention this to her in case I'm completely wrong.

Am I going crazy and getting paranoid about nothing? Is she really too busy to talk to me? Am I being 'clingy'? Should I talk to her about it (and what should I say)? Has she changed and is going to finish me?

Please help me out in any way you can - I'm desperate!

Thanks

[ilovcali]

Trust your instincts. Usually they are right. I'm not saying that she is through with you, but I have a feeling that something may be up based on what you have written. But are you sure this a drastic change, or is some of this in your head? If there is a drastic change, than something is up.

Anyway, SHE IS NOT YOUR LIFE. I say that all the time to anyone. NO ONE ELSE IS YOUR LIFE.

What will you do if she leaves you? You will be hurt, you will be sad, you will be angry, and eventually you will move on. That is what will happen. You must try and avoid anxiety over something YOU CANNOT CONTROL.

You can't CONTROL HER ACTIONS. Don't try to. All you can do is control yourself. Have you done anything for her to just up and leave? NO? Well then, It's NOT YOU AND IT IS HER. Nothing you can do about that. SO GET A GRIP. The worst case scenario is she is going to leave you. What does that mean?

Does that mean you'll be single forever? NO! Does that mean you'll never be in love again? NO! Does that mean without her, your life is over? NO!

Ok, so what you do have in store should she leave is a few weeks, maybe months of some dark days when you'll miss her, be sad, be angry. FACE IT. Don't run from it. It's part of life and you'll be better off when you come out of the darkness. We've been there. It does get better.

As for the here and now, rather then waste time stressing yourself out, just be direct with her and get the information you need. Don't drive yourself mad by second guessing her action. Be blunt and to the point. You need to know. It's your life that is getting screwed with.

Find out what's up and then begin to act on the information. Good luck.

--Cali

[jolienoire]

It's weird how life works. Our body/mind tells us when a relationship is over but we do not always listen. Why is that? Our intuition is so loud sometimes, yet we turn down the volume. . Go with your instinct, and prepare yourself say what you need to say to her let her know how you feel and ask her to be honest. I posted another forum about breakups and dealing with relationships... Babe if she breaks up with you don't think that you would never find someone, and love hurts but you will make it through. Believe me I have been there. Say what you need to say and prepare yourself in advance so if it don't work out you won't be in such a rut.

I hope I helped good luck!

[jomore]

Thanks for your quick responses, but I want to make this work. I know she is busy at the moment and it will only last the next couple of weeks. Do you think it's worth waiting to see if I was wrong, or should I just be direct with her now?

Another problem is that we share very many of our friends, and if we we're to break up, it would split our friends (they're all close to both of us). Should I ask my friends what they think - behind her back?

[Synnen]

NO! Do not ask your friends!

It's her last semester at college--for god's sake, of COURSE she's going to be focusing on that. I'm sorry that you feel you need to take a back seat to that right now, but really--are you just feeling the lack of her attention? Or do you really think she's changed beyond focusing graduating?

Right now, if she says everything is fine... I'd give her her space and stop panicking about it. Let her know you're there for her if she needs you, but that for now you'll back off so she can focus on school

[jomore]

Thanks for that, Synnen, I don't think I was thinking clearly when I was talking about asking my friends.

I just might be a little self conscious about lack of attention. Maybe I do need to give her some space.

But would concentrating on work explain why she's changed the little things that made a difference to me?

- Joe

[Synnen]

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

If you're being clingy when she absolutely needs to concentrate on school--then maybe that's her reaction to get space.

I think something is odd about the whole thing--but you can't control her. You can just control YOU.

Don't overreact--that would be bad. If you are there for her if she needs it, and don't panic and demand her attention--you have a better chance of figuring out what's going on if you don't change how YOU react to everything.

[jomore]

Thanks once more.

I'm afraid that I might well be clingy, but I can't help myself - I want to show her that I love her and that I'm there for her... but I think I do it too often. (?)

Should I stop saying that I love her whenever we're in contact - play hard to get?

How can I show my support for her without looking like I'm clingy or desperate for her love?

[Synnen]

Don't necessarily STOP saying "I love you"--but ONCE is enough a day, generally.

Don't "play" anything. I hate that whole idea.

Make sure you have a life apart from her, and make sure she knows she's important to you... but don't call/text/IM 4x a day, either.

IMO... let her know you know she's busy with school, and you understand and respect that school is HARD right now. TELL her you don't know what to do to make it easier for her, and that whatever it is, you'll do it. EVEN if that means waiting for her to call you, or not seeing each other as often. ASK what you can do to make it easier, then DO it, even if you don't like it.

Honestly--I think she's acting like most girls do when they're not sure what they want, but they're thinking of ending things because it's not EXACTLY what they want, or whatever. BUT--being clingy or confrontational isn't going to change her mind, no matter what she's thinking. Let her know you're backing off so that she can concentrate on school, but that in exchange you expect her to be honest with you about her thoughts, even if she thinks that you may not like them or that they might hurt you.

[jomore]

I've just spoken to my girlfriend, and we had a good long chat. We sorted a lot of issues out. She says that she needs space, which I'll give to her, but she also said that she thought our relationship had become heavy, and that I was trying to make her commit to a level like a wife would.

I didn't realise that I'd done that, and so I kind of see where she's coming from. She's confused about the future (with everything, not just me). I want to be there for her, but also give her space to figure out what she wants.

What's the best way do you think for me to become more of a boyfriend and less of a "husband", while also giving her the space she wants.

And how do I give myself the best chance to get her to choose to come back to me when she's made her mind up?

Thanks
- Joe

[jomore]

Does anyone have an idea about this subject? Sorry about reposting about it, but I'm very worried and at a loss.

[Synnen]

Try being less serious about everything.

Instead of staying in, go out! Do the types of things you did on early dates!

Don't take ANYTHING for granted, including that you'll be spending the night. Keep things light, don't think about the future too much. Live in the NOW.

Don't talk about marriage, kids, houses--stuff in the future. Talk about what you did that day, how your family is, whatever. Don't think further ahead than a couple weeks, at most. Don't pressure her for anything--if she says no to something, don't take it personally, just be cool about it. Ask about her in a non-threatening way--how was your day, how did the test go, what did your prof say, how's that friend you were telling me about--let HER choose the topics for now, and then be truly interested in those topics!

I can't give you better advice than that, really. I do know that playing everything easy-going will make it MUCH easier for both of you, though.

Lots of luck to you!

[jomore]

Thanks - that helped my feelings a lot. But I'm away from her now (about 300 miles away), and I'm afraid that she'd break up with me before I get a chance to change. Do you think it's likely that'll happen?

[jolienoire]

Thanks - that helped my feelings a lot. But I'm away from her now (about 300 miles away), and I'm afraid that she'd break up with me before I get a chance to change. Do you think it's likely that'll happen?

Something very important I would like to say Don’t try to change yourself in the liking of your mate... You will only beat yourself up for it later, because if someone really wants to be with you they will not ask you to change who you are and if you change for someone else you will likely regret it in the long run... Why should you stop loving less to please your partner?? That is who you are! A loving/caring person continue to be a loving and caring person..

Never look for someone to complete you, each person need to be THEIR own individual. you need Someone complimentary not supplementary.

[Synnen]

At the same time, Jolie--if people don't change together they will change separately. A relationship IS work, and anyone not willing to work for their relationship is going to be a divorce statistic someday.

I don't think Jomore is really trying to change--he's trying to make it work. And that's a good thing! But Jo-make sure you're not going past work to changing, because that is probably not needed.

The biggest thing here is don't get desperate. Seriously. People pick up on vibes like that.

Make a new tradition, if you ask me. Write a haiku for her to open in her email every morning. Make some of them sweet, and some of them silly. OR--send an email every evening describing the most beautiful thing you saw that day to her. OR--send the silliest card you can find to her once a week. The rules for it though should be that it's not pushy, too much about lovey-dovey stuff (think about the kind of stuff you'd write a girl you wanted to date, but weren't dating yet, and then up it just one teensy notch). Don't do TOO much. Keep notes short and sweet.

And the biggest rule is the hardest. Do it to make her happy, do it because you want to--but absolutely don't do it just to save the relationship. It won't work, and you'll both just be unhappy. If she has already made up her mind that she's done with the relationship, and breaks up with you whenever--nothing you can do is going to change her mind anyway. Just enjoy being who you are when you're doing things for who she is

[jomore]

Wise words Synnen, and you're right - I don't intend to change who I am, but change the little bad habits that became so easy to fall into. The ones that I didn't do at the beginning of our relationship, and the ones that, upon reflection, I want to change anyway.

But I'll give it a while - until she's ready to get in contact with me.

[jespinoza1]

Wow Joe, you are definitely a man with a whole lot of feelings. Well I don't know how old you are but since you stated that your I guess ex girlfriend is in her last year of college, you must be in your 20's. Am I right? I am a 28 year old female and FYI we are never confused about what we want. We would never let go of a guy that we love to give another woman a chance at steeling him. Woman can be worse than men and I really do not think she is being completely honest with you. Forgive me for being blunt. But why would you even consider waiting around for her? She clearly is trying to let you down gently and trying to spare your feelings. You are so being clingy and although woman appreciate a loving caring man, we also like a little challenge. We like it when you say no sometimes lol. Please do not revolve your life around one person ever again, it's just not healthy and you lose yourself in the process. Try to always keep something that is yours and yours alone. It is OK to be a little selfish. OH and I noticed that you make excuses for her, that is like the number one sign that it is over. When you start justifying her actions to yourself that is just bad. And also I am in my last year of college also and trust me there is always time for a phone call or a quick text message during class. I also work full time so there is really no real legitimate excuse for her actions. Please space that girl has all the space she needs. You hardly ever see her because you guys are so far apart. So really how much space does she need. I know it is hard to let go sometimes when you love someone with everything you got, but sometimes we don't get to make the decision in the relationship, and we just have to pick ourselves back up. I wish you a bunch of luck and smile cause your world is not over. :)

[talaniman]

Long distance relationships, are hard for even the most committed couples. Having said that, never in the name of love, ever give up your right to question, and get a CLEAR understanding of how your partner feels. Its more in your approach, than in the asking. Having said that, YOU must recognise the difference between your own insecurities, and the realities of the situation. Is it your mind playing tricks on you? Or are there things you can point to, to back up those feelings?

I don't intend to change who I am, but change the little bad habits that became so easy to fall into. The ones that I didn't do at the beginning of our relationship, and the ones that, upon reflection, I want to change anyway.

That is a very healthy approach, on your part.

[WADEPUA]

I read all the messages above last night cause I am in the same sit(gal losing interest in me). I decided to go out to the local pool hall & get my mind off things. Well I walk through the doors & look to the left... My gal is playing pool with a taller more handsome man, I muster a small waive & head nod... she turns away. I walked to the bar ordered a drink & sat fighting the heart pain, 10 min pass & I overhear the bartender tell the owner that my gal owes $20 for her tab. I handed them my visa... "Its on me" I said quietly. I got up & walked over to my gal & whispered in her ear "I know you've lost interest in me, your tab is paid & I think your an awesome gal" I turned to her beau pool mate, smiled, introduced myself, shook his hand & went back to the bar. Half hour later the 2 left separatley & the bartender mentioned "She left her scarf at the table." In a bold move I wrapped the red scarf around my neck & cruized to her house in hopes to drop it off, I knocked at the door expecting nothing... well she opened the door.. Rhianna song playing in the backgraound... she invited me in & offered me a drink.. I accepeted. We ended up slowdancing & then had mindblowing sex. The game of love is just like being in a mental hospital... Dont hate the game... Play the game!
DP