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denastar · Oct 31, 2007, 12:22 PM

Ok - my daughter who lives with me and her step dad and step brother who is 5, just turned 19. She doesn't do drugs or drink but is very immature and irresponsible andlies horribly about everything. She has been through counseling and all other forms of therapy over the past few years, nothing works. She won't ask for help and won't utilize help when it is there. She is horrible with money - (I know her bank balance as of 2 days ago was negative 200 plus). She has had a car on the table 3 times, but when I caught her in a money lie all three times, it didn't happen. I don't trust her at my house and although we are now charging her rent, I plain and simple don't want her there. I feel like as though my "job" is voer and I cannot do any more to help her. I feel our home is a safe haven for her, and yet she has no where to go. Yes I don't see any maturity or improvement from this child, and yet lie after lie, I don't even what to talk with her any longer because it drives me nuts litening to her. Her dad won't take her in because his wife gave him an ultimatum of his daughter or her. And there isn't really any other relative that wants to deal with what I have either. I don't know what to do. My husbands wants to just give her 2 weeks, and that's that. And I kind of want to do the same, yet have this mom part of me, and just feel like I am going to burst. But in my hear tof hearts, I know I want her to move out also. PS - she isn't in college because I refused to pay her way on a 1.02 GPA.

Thank you - any advice is something... :confused:

donf · Oct 31, 2007, 12:40 PM

Dena,

My first suggestion to you is if you can't let her out of the house because of her behavior. Then tell your husband the truth. Tell him that for your piece of mind your daughter must stay in the house where you can monitor her.

Lying! Now there's something I was very good at. I would tell a lie when it was just as easy to tell the truth. I drove my wife to the brink of arranging for my autopsy. My lady finally broke me of lying by confronting every lie every time. Eventually the grief I earned by lying was much worse then telling the truth. I tell you true on that if
Bonnie ever told a lie her teeth would crack. The lady has zero tolerance for lying.

As to her checkbook or whatever malady she causes, make her accountable for the problem. Don't back up even a step.

N0help4u · Oct 31, 2007, 12:45 PM

That is tough because it sounds like she does have some mental or emotional issues which does make it harder to want to force her to be on her own. Having her pay rent is a good idea so she does learn to deal with a bit of responsibility.
If you are charging her way less than you could it might be a good idea to charge her a bit more and save the difference for her without her knowing it for when she does end up on her own. I have heard of parents saying they charge their kids rent to teach them responsibility but then when they move on their own they give it to them to help them get moved and settled.
I know it must be hard and I really don't know the solution because it sounds like she could have serious problems where ever she goes but you can't take care of her forever.
My son has emotional problems and everybody tells me I should have him go to a group home but I don't think that is a solution for him.
One thing, don't lend her money if she is lying about why she needs it or what she intends to do with it. Even if she is seriously honest it most probably wouldn't be a good idea cause like my son he says he wants to save money to move on his own but once he has it he gives into temptations for electronic stuff for his computer and so forth.
It would be ideal to be able to get her to quit lying by using tough love. I can't even think of any ideas how to go about being tough to make her stop other than stick to your guns - don't give in to her and tell her this would have worked out better for you if you had been honest. And like donf said monitor her and hold her accountable for everything.

denastar · Nov 1, 2007, 06:51 AM

Thanks for the replies. There isn't an immediate issue with my husband and her. She needs tough love. Well - last night my husband finally lef the silence partner role and let it fly. I don't blame hiom and did not stop him, I knew it had to come out. She has not changed since 12 yrs old. We cannot help her any more and she is so co-dependent on everyone and has no self will to set a goal, think of one and then reach for it. It's just one of those things where we finally told her that she needs to do what she is doing elsewhere. I love her to death but she is stagnant. Won't accept help unless someone does it all for her, had a head on her shoulders but very short attention span. The counselors she was seeing before actually told her to stop coming. Because they saw right through the blaming of everyone else, and talking the talk while in a session, but 10 minutes after wards, she let it all go. Never did the help assignments they gave to her. I spend a lot of money and time and heart trying to help this child who does not want to help herself. The lying is to the point where she doesn't remember the lies and then tries to defend saying she didn't say something. I remember everything. Who knows what will happen now. Thanks for the feedback.