[babylo]

Hi,
I'm twenty years old and I was in a relationship with this girl for one year. We were very happy and in love but much to my distress we broke up 2 weeks ago because her family, being italian would not accept her dating a black guy. I'm so devastated because we never had any problems besides her family and I still love her. My friends however think I should be raelistic and move on but the fact is I can't because she's the only girl I've ever loved. Is there any thing I can do to salvage this relationship because I know she still loves me? Please I'm in so much pain and I need someone to talk to and tell me what to do.

[browneyes20]

I would talk to her about everything and tell her how you feel. If she still loves you like you said, and if you love her, then you will get through this. Have you ever spent time with her family? Have they gotten to know you, like she has? If not, try that and show them that race means nothing. My friend went through this same situation a few months ago. Her family would not except her dating a black man. She brought him home, and he talked with her family. Eventually, they accepted him and they realized that this man made their daughter very happy. I would try talking her into working things out with her family. Sit them all down and talk things through. I hope this helps. Good luck with everything! It will get easier... trust me.

[Chery]

Here in Europe, it is not as uncommon as in the US, and Italian people are usually very tolerant - not as racist. So try going to the church that the family goes to, and see if you can get eye contact with them there. Also, being of european background, it's custom to bring the 'mother' of the house flowers at the first meeting. So when the time comes, try to be ready and learn a little of the Italian culture to have something to converse about. If they really care about their daughter's happiness they are probably worried about the problems of mixed couples, and the strength they will need, to be faced with day to day - so try and ease their fears and they will soon warm up to you. Wish you both all the best no matter how it turns out, you will not blame yourself for not trying.

Again, all the best of luck!

[fredg]

Hi,
I am so sorry to hear about this, and I, too, have friends who have experienced the same thing. It is really tough being in love and being rejected, been there, done that.
Your issue, as you stated, is even more difficult. Convincing this Italian family, or any nationality family who is against this, is going to be hard. Don't get me wrong, it is not impossible, just much more involved and harder.
As another post stated, getting to know the family is the key. You will face many, many obstacles with them, as you already have. But, have you faced them face-to-face? If you can, get to know them. If they won't see you or talk with you, then it's going to be just that much harder.
Meantime, how does your girlfriend feel? Does she really love you? If she does, then you two will work out how to keep seeing each other. She could "go against" her parents wishes, and see you anyway, if she feels that strongly about you. From there, you will have a chance with her, but not necessarily with her family.
If she will not see you, then I know of nothing you can do. It's between you and her. You also have to keep in mind that when 2 people get married, you are also marrying the family! They want to be grandparents, get to know their grandchildren; babysit for them, etc, etc, etc. Can you and she handle all the grief? I do sincerely wish you good luck, and hope it works out OK.

[babylo]

It's not that we have'nt tried. It is really out of character for me to try to be cordial with people who despise me without even getting to know me. However I was willing to swallow my pride and try because I love her so much. Even before our relationship became serious they were putting a lot of pressure on her to end it and even made comments like "We don't want to see any black grandchildren." Meeting me is out of the question and they threatened that if I ever made the mistake of coming to the house they would have me arrested. We still continued to see each other much to her parents dismay and we were so happy. The problems started when her parents started having marital issues and where even thinking about divorce. Her mother used her vulnerability to guilt her about our relationship. My girlfriends mother, while crying would say things like "What would people think if they saw that my only daughter was with a black guy?" I guess that after a while her situation at home became worse and worse until she could take it no more and had to end it with me. I was so devastated and confused because this girl is such an important part of my life. If I had the power we would both be of the same race but I can't. It's not like we planned for this to happen but sometimes you just can't help who you fall in love with. I feel so helpless and lost. I can't eat, can't sleep and I'm barely even keeping up with college right now. It seems like every single thing I do reminds me of her.

[Chery]

Romeo and Juliette did not end up too well, and I don't want that happening to you. You are an intelligent individual and probably she's not your first girlfriend, but just feel this way now because she's beyond reach. It's unfortunate that life treats us this way and tests us all the time, but we cannot stop everything because of a person you place in the center of your life at present. Please gather yourself together, it will take time to heal but you must get over it. There are millions of heartbroken individuals in the world, but we/they must survive somehow, and the sooner you realize this, the better. I know that it's not that bad when it happens to someone else, but when it gets close to home, it feels as if the world is falling apart. Just think of the stress already caused, and even if you got together there would be more. Keep in touch with us and we'll help you through the healing process, and if it gets really bad, then talk to a professional. But you must face certain facts that you cannot change. As you said, the family will not approve, ever, so why do this to yourself. There are other young ladies out there and you will meet the right one someday and forget all about this - as time heals. Again, sorry you have to go through this and wish you a speedy recovery so that you can concentrate on school and your future. Let us know and we will continue to try and help you through the healing process.

Relationships are great and makes one feel wonderful, but if it does not work, no person, be it woman or man, is worth destroying yourself over.

[Irulan]

Remind her family and her that this is, after all, the 21st Century.

If both of you are adult and serious about your relation - then on with the show!

[fredg]

Hi,
I am sorry, again, to hear about the "can't sleep, can't eat, can't study"... been there, done that!
At 63 yrs old, and many years ago at a welll known University, my "true love" wrote me a "dear John" letter after a year of separation. We had gone to different colleges, but still called each other, and wrote about every day. All of a sudden, I thought my world had come to an end, when she wrote me with "I am in Love", but it wasn't with me!
It took me a yr or two to get over that. I still remember her, after 40 yrs, and wonder what she is doing sometimes.
Time will heal all wounds, and the best thing you can do now, is to get up, get going, and meet some new people. Even though you don't want to, get out to a "coffee meeting", or some other "meet others" groups, or something at college. Talking with others will help you get your mind off things, and eventually, you will meet someone else.
If your girlfriend cannot, or for whatever reason, does not want to see you anymore, then it's time to move on. I was 20 yrs old when the same thing happened to me. I do wish you good luck, and take the first step today:
Get out and talk with others, make some new friends.

[Katiy]

Yes, if you love her, as you say, then let her go. You can move on. There are 10,000 girls that are your type. If seeing you, creates problems for her, why persist? This is a battle you are not going to win.

[talaniman]

Young love is so hard but life goes on.I know the parents hate you but you still have to respect them so don't make waves.How does the youg lady feel.Have you two put your heads together and talked it out.In the meantime a man needs to eat and sleep and keep his wits about him,and keep his stuff together.a bleary eyed skeleton won't impress any ones parents.Love is only part of life I bet you've got other things to keep you busy.If not find something constuctive.Be patient and mature and good luck,Ihope things work out.