[mattyd22]

So the other day my girlfriend told me she needed her space. We got together when she was 18 and I was 23. Now, at the time, I had already gone through a couple of serious relationships, as well as that whole peroid of my life where I went out and had fun while I was single. Since my girlfriend is now 22, she is wondering what she is missing. Our relationship is very serious right now. We have a house, a dog, two cats, and it's basically like we are married, which I love. But she says she just isn't sure if that's what she wants because she has never experienced beinbg on her own as an adult. For financial reasons, we have decided to break up, but I would still live in the hous. Separate rooms, no sex, and no checking up on each other, just llike we're single, which I guess we are. I am having a really tough time with this whole situation. Now I do understand her feelings, but my life right now is not too good and this situation could not come at a worse time for me. I am in a lot of credit trouble, I don't really have a lot of friends except for the people I work with (but me and her work at the same place so it's hard), and I just don't want to lose her forever. I know I am not asking for a simple answer to a question here, but I just need some people to tell me what to do. If anyone out there went through the same situation, what did you do to survive? Did you do anything to bring her or him back to you. Did the situation turn out good or bad. Or if anyone is currently going through a similar situation, what are you doing to remain stable. Please someone help me and talk to me. I love this woman more than my own life and I just can't seem to live without her. Please help me. Thank you all.

[mattyd22]

I would also like to hear from any females out there who went through a similar experience, but YOU were the one asking for space. In all honesty, were you being truthful, or was it just an easier way to let him down. Also, did you eventually relize what you lost and ask for him back. Thanks again!

[jeffatl]

So the other day my girlfriend told me she needed her space. We got together when she was 18 and I was 23. Now, at the time, I had already gone through a couple of serious relationships, as well as that whole peroid of my life where I went out and had fun while I was single. Since my girlfriend is now 22, she is wondering what she is missing. Our relationship is very serious right now. We have a house, a dog, two cats, and it's basically like we are married, which I love. But she says she just isn't sure if that's what she wants because she has never experienced beinbg on her own as an adult. For financial reasons, we have decided to break up, but I would still live in the hous. Seperate rooms, no sex, and no checking up on each other, just llike we're single, which I guess we are. I am having a really tough time with this whole situation. Now I do understand her feelings, but my life right now is not too good and this situation could not come at a worse time for me. I am in a lot of credit trouble, I don't really have a lot of friends except for the people I work with (but me and her work at the same place so it's hard), and I just don't want to lose her forever. I know I am not asking for a simple answer to a question here, but I just need some people to tell me what to do. If anyone out there went through the same situation, wht did you do to survive? Did you do anything to bring her or him back to you. Did the situation turn out good or bad. Or if anyone is currently going through a similar situation, what are you doing to remain stable. Please someone help me and talk to me. I love this woman more than my own life and I just can't seem to live without her. Please help me. Thank you all.

WOW, does this sound familiar to me or what! Im going through that same thing right now man, I feel for you. My EX just turned 21 last week and is going through that whole "I need to see what life is like on my own" crap (Im 24). The best thing I can tell you is just let her go and do her thing. If you try and "win her back" now, you will just push her away more. Let her see what life is REALLY like without you, and DO NOT LET HER PLAY GAMES WITH YOU! Im SURE she will call and tell you "i miss you" and all that good stuff, but just be nice to her and don't pour your heart out. Play it cool and just tell her you will give her "space" but don't expect you to wait for her. My EX of 2 months not (with her for 5 years) didn't call me for a few weeks, but now she is sending me messages like "Ive been thinking about you alot lately". Don't let that stuff fool you though, let her do her thing and you do your own thing too. I have just now started picking up the pieces after 2 months and I still miss her, but that does no good. I would say go to the gym, that has been a GREAT stress relief for me. Its hard man, I feel for you, but you will be OK in time.

[jeffatl]

P.S. I would try and move out if you can, not because you don't love her, but that is just going to make you BOTH crazy! You need to BACK OFF HER NOW! If she loves you, she will come back. Who knows man, you might not even want her back if she does. Do things for you and get YOUR life on track. Get yourself out of debt and show her you are an adult that can take care of yourself. Im not trying to be mean, but you really do need a slap, I needed one to get my butt in gear. The thing I told my EX was "look, Im not giving up on you, I am just going to give US BOTH what we need right now (space)". You need to get away from this girl for a while or she will run you straight into the ground.

[Chery]

Hi mattyd, I hope I will not be 'stepping on anyone's toes' here, so I will apologize beforehand..
This is a questionnaire for single as well as married men..

Questions of why women 'need space':

1. Is the relationship getting so old that you take it for
granted?
2. Do you help with the dishes, laundry or washing up?
3. Do you expect her to do all the cooking, cleaning,
etc?
4. Do you ask her how her day was and really listen?
Or when she wants to talk are you too busy, but expect
her to listen if you have a gripe about work, money,
etc.
5. Do you take the dogs out together or let her do it,
and who feeds the animals?
6. After having a busy day yourself, do you expect to
'relax' and get served?
7. When you are a little sick, do you expect her to be
Florence Nightingale?
8. When she is sick, do you just make yourself a meal
or do you also ask her if she'd like something to eat, and
just take off to see your friends because you feel
uncomfortable being around her when she's not feeling
well?
9. Do you still surprise her with little gifts and/or
flowers and compliments now and then, or take her for
granted?
10. Do you expect her to be ready in bed even though
she's had a hard day also and there was no caressing or
foreplay beforehand?
11. Do you gripe more than compliment, or avoid those
little arguments and leave the house when it's too
much for you, and you just are too tired to 'put up with
it'?
12. Do you notice when she changes her looks or
attitude without being asked?
13. Even though you live together, do you still take her
out or no longer feel the need to try hard to keep her
because you already have her?
14. Is there still humor in your relationship, or did you
stop joking and laughing, or watching the things she
likes on TV or the Movies?
15. Did you stop saying "I love you" because you assume she
knows this already?
16. After explaining something to her and she asks 'why' is your
reply automatically "you just don't understand"?

I could go on but I think you get my meaning and I'd be running off this page..

If most of the answers to the above questions are yes, then you now know why we women ask for 'space' now and then to think about whether you are worth the sacrifice she's gone through and still values your company. In any relationship, love and respect must be worked at and earned by both, and never taken for granted! The good must outnumber the not-so-good. We all need something to look forward to and appreciate. As a friend of mine here on the forum says, keep up the mystery. Predictability is a killer.

So, now you have a woman's point of view and I hope I helped a little. You are welcome to 'rate this post' by either approving or disapproving. Thanks and Good Luck! Please keep us posted, as this might turn out pretty interesting.

[letmeno]

I need space could mean:
1. I really do need space
2. I want to see other people but I don't want to say it like that
3. I don't want to hurt your feelings
4. I want to be free right now but keep you within arms reach so if I made a mistake about this, I can run back to you.

We say we need space for many reason's but the main reason why we say we need space is basically because we don't want to hurt your feeling's.
Chery went through a list of reason's why she may want space but the result is that, she just want's space for right now, and although it may hurt you, you need to give her what she want's.
If you continue to hang around and prolong the situation even after she has told you that she want's out, she is going to start resenting you, and you are going to end up way more hurt in the end if you do not listen to what she is telling you.
Don't try and change her mind, don't try and talk her out of it, just get out and get out now.
If you start your healing process right now, meet new ladies, get out for a night on the town, start dating, DO NOT CALL HER, DO NOT TRY AND CONTACT HER, DO NOT BOTHER HER, JUST GIVE HER THE SPACE THAT SHE IS ASKING FOR, trust in me, she will contact you. For right now, give her what she want's. If you do not back off her, you will end up hurting waaaay more than you are now.
Good Luck.

[Chery]

Letmeno is right, I gave the reasons, and letmeno gave you the consequences of those reasons. Sorry to say it, but it's also true that most of the time, after that, it's too late. Best wishes.

[momincali]

It is a rough patch that you're going through right now, but just think of how harder it would be if no one spoke up and said anything. If she just went through the motions and pretended everything was all right and you were just hopping along one day it could have exploded into something really ugly, like you finding her with someone else or worse, you waking up and she's gone. Whether she is confused and unsure or she is truly not happy with the relationship and wants a way out, as my favorite cartoon Snagglepuss would say, its time to "exit stage left". It's unfortunate that you are in the financial bind that you are in, however, I would suggest that you find another room mate and move out, ask her to move out or beg, steal or borrow money for another place, it's worth your sanity and most of all your integrity. Put aside the emotion involved, it won't allow you to do what should be done. Don't stop with changing the living arrangement, get a new job asap. Even if it means holding down two part time jobs to equal the pay of this one, whatever it takes. Don't call, write or even look her way or she may tell you she's being smuthered. There is a five year difference between you two and typically that's not a big deal, UNLESS, you're dealing with a girl who was just beginning to experience adulthood (like she was at 18) and has now reached a point where she wants to go it alone for a while. To be really honest, most times this happens, the girl will go out on her own, experience life, grow and not be the same girl, so she may not come back because she really is someone else now. Don't sit around and wait, grit your teeth and move on. It's best for you both. Looking in that rearview mirror won't help you go forward.

[fredg]

Hi,
My simple answer will be short.
She probably does mean she needs some time.
Give her time. Don't call her, Don't email her.
If she decides she wants to contact you, she will. Meantime, get out and meet new people. It will help get your mind off things. Things do take time.
It took me 2 yrs to get over a girl I was really in love with, at that time was 20 yrs old. I finally got over her, by meeting new people, and going out with others.

[Chery]

Fredg and momincali are right, again. I could not rate them - 'have to spread it around' so just want to let them know I agree.
Good Luck to you, there are others out here who will grow with you and give you what you need in time. Don't let your financial problems keep you there too long, it'll only add to your stress - of which you have enough on your plate right now. All wounds need time to heal. Wishing you all the best, Chery



.

[Wildcat21]

"If you continue to hang around and prolong the situation even after she has told you that she want's out, she is going to start resenting you"

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! It's so true, yet so hard. It's not logical to men this way, but she somewhere a lon gthe way lost her feelings for you.

You probably became way to soft and whimmpy (yes). Wooried about not hurting her feelings.

PLUS - at her age until about 25 she will want to go through her wild-girl stage.

I'd move out and quit the contact. She's only going to hurt you. Show her your moving on - it's the only chance you have to get her back.

[Wildcat21]

People want what they can't have.

She has you. You're too available to her. You create no mystery to her.

Just being there and being ga good guy doesn't cut for a woman that age.

She needs excitement. She needs her toes to curl when she thinks of you.

[mattyd22]

I loved that so many people responded to me, I thank you all. To follow up on some things said though: I know I shouldn't contact her and all that but there is one problem with that: we work together. Not in like a big retail place, we are working for a smaller company and we are both in management. Because of that, we HAVE to be in close contact with each other, thus eliminating the chance of "no contact". Plus, as you all know, we NEED to live together for financial reasons. The mortgage is over $800 a month, plus utilities, cable, maitenance, etc... so we're shelling out abour $1500 a month for the house, something neither one of us could afford alone, let alone me finding an apartment, so this situation also creates some havoc. I try to go out and do other things, but my resources are limited I guess you could say. All I really have is the bunch of guys I play hockey with every Sunday, but that's it. Although most of the time she goes out and spends time with her mother or friends, so after work until about 11PM we are away from each other. Plus, even though we are in contact with each other at work, we are rarley in the same store as each other since we both travel around to all the stores in our area. So we really only SEE each other from 11 to about Midnight every night, sometimes more but not usually. We do like to spend time together during that hour, and she seems a LOT happier already. This however scares me. Is she going to realize that she's happier with me not being her "boyfriend"? I think this at night. Hell, I thing of a lot of things at night. Unfortunately my mind wanders while I lie in bed at night and I don't fall asleep till about 4 or 4:30 for the past couple of weeks... been going on 3 or 4 hours sleep every day. Anyway, sorry for my rambling, just had to make everyone aware of the situation. I again thank all of you for responding, and I look forward to reading your next remarks. Keep 'em coming. You guys are great! PS I typed this really quick so I'm sorry for the spelling errors if there are any :cool:

[Chery]

Dear Matt - There are some women who when under stressful conditions at work and then at home - tend to want to give up. Maybe she felt you expected more than she was willing to give at home. Now that that stress is gone, she might intend meaninful friendship and I'm sure she's not out on the lookout for another man who will give her more stress. She's probably more comfortable with you and therefore more open and happy with you. If you can accept that for a beginning, it could wind up more later, but as she says right now, she needs the space, to collect herself and concentrate on her career. Maybe you both have a different 'picture' of what your lives 'should' be like right now, but pictures can be re-painted and thought over. If you still want to be part of this picture, try a few things around the house instead of lying awake in bed thinking... do something constructive, even if it's dusting or watering the plants - just a thought. You could also ask her if she needs some help - it might surprise you with her reaction. At any rate, isn't it better to hear her laugh instead of a door slamming shut? If she's the one you want, truly want, help her through this stressful period, it will release your stess also.
Good Luck, and keep us posted.

[Wildcat21]

I think you need top learn to change the way you behave towards her. I am sure you had the feeling that you would do anything for her - always be there for her. Do too much. Pedestal - you had her on a pedestal AND women HATE that - too much pressure - You need the attitude that you are the prize!! You are the prize!! Women WANT to think they are dating and living with someone above THEM - I am sure you did not create this.

You NEED other things in your life. She isn't your life. Women are only part of your life - you feel this way because you do NOT have enough of a balanced life.

Even if your living with her - shut her out some. Go in your bedroom and close the door. Work late. JOIN A HEALTH CLUB. Pretned your moving on. Spend time with your parents. You need friends AND you ALWAYS should have been going gout with them, period, end of story... I am SURE you always HAD to and insisted on doing everything with her - YUCK! Woman AND men need time and space away from each other.

People WANT what they can't have. I KNOW you gave everythin gto her and she is TURNED off by it. AGAIN - I think you don't understand challenge and mystery.

No one wants a love sick puppy and she feels in. It's repulsive to her.

By having other things in life she WILL love you for it - yet everyday she sees this love sick puppy, wussy, whimpy - that's what she sees.

Women want a confident man!! I am sure you'r boring to her. "Girls want to have fun" - not a bore. Again - you don't curl her toes anymore.

Be more mysterious - DON'T tell what your doing - you're a busy guy.

Ithink the HUGE CRUX of the matter is YOU completely surrendered to her. No ONE wants that. She needs the feeling that other women ARE attracted to you - that there IS a chnace you will lleave - that YOU are a wanted commodity.

By completely surrendering... she LOSES all the feelings for you. You NEED ti understand that women DO NOT use logic when picking men - they go by HOW you make them feel. YOU DON'T do this by being ga love sick puppy. You don't do this by just being there.

Go to www.askmen.com and READ every article on dating. You may get some insite to what women and your gal are thinking AND WHY YOU turned her off.

[Chery]

Wildcat, got to disagree with you on this one. They live together and make payments on the house, plus work and travel together, so they have to get along. Even if it's just on a friendship basis now. He does not have to prove anything, she just was overwhelmed and has her plate too full. Any woman would want a 'time-out' so to speak in this type of situation. She did not mention forever, as she knows she cannot afford the payments all by herself either. Sometimes we just bite off more than can be chewed and I think this is the case, so they both have to figure a decent and respectable way to deal with it. If things get too bad, I'm sure they'll either sell the house and go separate ways, but that's not what she's talking about right now either. I think they both will make the right choice when the time comes. Again, not all couples are the same and not all women want the same as what you stated and he does not sound like a wuss to me. C.U. on another thread, you WILD ONE!

[Wildcat21]

He comes across to me as a total Wuss to me.

I can just piture it. The not being able to sleep etc.

What you say from her side is so true.

[jeffatl]

The "wuss" thing is true of most guys or even women after they have there heart ripped out. I am still a "wuss" today, but I am getting better about it. All healing takes time, one of my buddies broke up with his girl about a year ago and she is now emailing him but he just deletes them without reading them. I don't really get that though, I would never want to just blow someone off like that. Join a gym, that has been a HUGE help for me bro. Don't worry, it does get better after a while. I found that calling and stuff just makes me more upset. When she doesn't pick up or call back I just get mad, so there is no real point in it. If she wants to talk, you will know. Best of luck to you.

[Chery]

The "wuss" thing is true of most guys or even women after they have there heart ripped out. I am still a "wuss" today, but I am getting better about it. All healing takes time, one of my buddies broke up with his girl about a year ago and she is now emailing him but he just deletes them without reading them. I dont really get that though, I would never want to just blow someone off like that. Join a gym, that has been a HUGE help for me bro. Dont worry, it does get better after a while. I found that calling and stuff just makes me more upset. When she doesnt pick up or call back I just get mad, so there is no real point in it. If she wants to talk, you will know. Best of luck to you.

Jeff, it's kind of hard to avoid each other when working in the same place and paying on a house together - so there is no need to think about the emailing or calling. But your advice about exercise is not bad. Happy Halloween to All! - It's one of my favorite holidays...

[Chery]

So the other day my girlfriend told me she needed her space. We got together when she was 18 and I was 23. Now, at the time, I had already gone through a couple of serious relationships, as well as that whole peroid of my life where I went out and had fun while I was single. Since my girlfriend is now 22, she is wondering what she is missing. Our relationship is very serious right now. We have a house, a dog, two cats, and it's basically like we are married, which I love. But she says she just isn't sure if that's what she wants because she has never experienced beinbg on her own as an adult. For financial reasons, we have decided to break up, but I would still live in the hous. Seperate rooms, no sex, and no checking up on each other, just llike we're single, which I guess we are. I am having a really tough time with this whole situation. Now I do understand her feelings, but my life right now is not too good and this situation could not come at a worse time for me. I am in a lot of credit trouble, I don't really have a lot of friends except for the people I work with (but me and her work at the same place so it's hard), and I just don't want to lose her forever. I know I am not asking for a simple answer to a question here, but I just need some people to tell me what to do. If anyone out there went through the same situation, wht did you do to survive? Did you do anything to bring her or him back to you. Did the situation turn out good or bad. Or if anyone is currently going through a similar situation, what are you doing to remain stable. Please someone help me and talk to me. I love this woman more than my own life and I just can't seem to live without her. Please help me. Thank you all.

Had to put this post here to remind others of your financial/living situation. Also to remind you that you should not place another person in the 'center' of your world. I hope that some of the advice has helped you and that we will hear from you again soon. Keep your chin up and find some other diversions to keep you busy enough to help you sleep nights. Also have you considered trying Melatonin? Read up on it, it can help you through stressful times and is something usually produced by the healthy body, but your's is not that healthy mentally or physically right now. Good Luck.
;)