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SSbb · Oct 9, 2007, 01:32 AM

Hello... I am Sheila, 28 yrs old n married from 2 ½ yrs. My husband is 31. First year of marriage went in taking abuse from husband. Second year I left him and went to live with my parent... One year I stayed away from him but was not happy without him. The whole year he tried to convince me to get back to him… said he is incomplete without me and misses me a lot. He promised me to fulfill all my dreams and will take care of me. I didn't get support from anywhere I had to go back to him. I made him tell all his mistakes in front of our parent (which was of no use). He had taken up entrepreneurship… and I did not mind leaving my job and taking care of house and him.
Now it’s been four months living with him… he has stopped physical abuse but doesn’t leave a chance to insult me. His nagging and taunting behavior has not changed. He doesn’t like to share his money matter with me. Every month I have to beg for money from him for household expenses. And for my personal expenses I'm spending what I had saved from my job (which is not a big amount).
Recently I studied that when I was away for one year; he developed friendship with a female who is ten years younger to him and he had been on a trip with her for four days. When I asked him about it he did not accept… after four days he accepted and said he was very depressed and angry with me that’s why he went with that female. I don’t understand this emotion of his. Now he has started doubting me that I am going around with someone (“Self defense is to attack” is the case with him)… And he is not open for any positive discussion with me. If I try to talk it out... he makes such conditions which leads to argument.
I have threatened him that I am not happy with him and will leave him again. He says he needs me very badly n wants to have kids with me.
It's annoying but I have no other option other than to live with him. And now the biggest problem with me is that I have become very fickle minded… I want to break this relation but at the same time I want to believe him once more n start again, in spite of knowing the pain in living with him. Yes I accept that I am addicted to this guy.
Please advice me what should I do?

donf · Oct 9, 2007, 12:04 PM

Check into a Rehab! The abuse will never stop.

Seriously, I suggest that you call the police and see if they can steer you to a battered wives shelter and then get yourself there.

First, I do not believe that you have to stay with him. You managed to live for 26 years. How did you manage to breathe without him? How did you manage to function for those years?

Second, is there some reason why you feel must take the crap he throws at you?

LearningAsIGo · Oct 9, 2007, 01:16 PM

He is continually abusive to you and you deserve much, much better. I would leave him as soon as possible. If necessary, do it without his knowledge for your own safety.

Men like these don't often change. You've given him a chance and he blew it... he'll continue to treat you poorly if you allow it.

Good luck to you. Be strong, you can move on without him!

shatteredsoul · Oct 9, 2007, 03:41 PM

THe worst thing you could do is have kids with this man. He is controlling, abusive and it sounds like he cheats and then tries to make you feel guilty so that you don't think its him. You must have really struggled with yourself to go back to him. I think staying away would have been the best thing for you. I have to say I think it will only get worse as time goes on. Not only will he control you, the money , and your time, he will also begin to question everything you do. After that, the abuse will follow. It is only a matter of time. You should use this relationship he has with this younger woman(who is too young to know better than to be with him) as a reason to leave and to stay gone. If is with you any longer, he is going to be obsessed with every move you make. You did it for a whole year and you made it without him. That means you can do it again.
My suggestion, get away, FAR FAR away. Don't allow yourself to become anymore trapped than you are. If you have kids, you are tied to him for the rest of your life and your children will grow up with an abusive and controlling father. You will want better for yourself and for the children you will have someday.
THis is not normal, his behavior is not normal or OK and it never will be.
Save yourself before it really is too late.

talaniman · Oct 10, 2007, 04:06 PM

Get out and away, again, and this time do positive things, to be independent. Get healthy and happy with yourself and stay out of relationships for a while. You don't need the disttraction from getting your life together.

N0help4u · Oct 10, 2007, 04:52 PM

He is manipulative and no matter what you do or say he will turn it so he comes out smelling like a rose (in his mind) and you are the crapola that can't get it right. That is the reality you have with him cause he can't see his behavior for what it is. How can a person change if they refuse to see what needs changed. You should find out about a shelter. Check the Salvation Army they can tell you places that you can go for help and some Salvation Armys will even let woman with nowhere to go stay a month or so until they can find work and get on their feet. I know it is hard to leave your home and the environment you get use to but once you get your own life and dignity back and look back on it you will
Know it was the best thing you ever did and he will still be the same.

shygrneyzs · Oct 10, 2007, 04:56 PM

I cannot add one more word - everyone said it very well. Abusive people do not change. They can change the method of abuse, can increase the abuse, can add other forms of abuse but the abuse never stops. Get out and get to safety. Do not look back and get a restraining order. You were independent before and you can do that again.