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Mothergrieving · Oct 2, 2007, 06:48 AM

Feb. 19, 1990 I gave birth to a little boy, in New York. I was 18 years of age. The child's father and I lost contact. A few months after loss pf contact I found out that I was pregnant. Scared and not knowing where he was I didn't know what to do. My parents found out what was going on with me and basically told me there is no way I was going to keep this baby. Well to make this story short during my pregnancy I was hoping to find my child father before I continued to sign paper work for adoption. The adoption agency did try to locte this person, but couldn't locate. Well I signed the correct paper work and on the 19th of Feb my life was over. I didn't even want to see his face. I just wanted to act as if this had never happened. Even though its been years I never forgot his cry. Though out the years I have tried to see how I could locate him, but road blocks came up. I didn't know the diffrence between a closed and open adoption. I found out that it was closed because I tried to obtain a birth certificate and found out that I couldn't. I gave birth to him in New York and was trying to find out the hospital that I gave birth to him at. Being young and dumb really has hurt me so. I have 3 kids now my daughters birthday is the same month as my first son's birthday and it hurts me so when that month comes and goes. I really wish I had never done that. I gave up one and had three more, that was the dumbest decision I made.
About a year and a half after giving birth to my first I was able to contact my child's father, but I couldn't find it in my heart to tell him that I gave birth to our child. At that time I was pregnant with my oldest daughter and I couldn't deal with all of the stress. He and I lost contact again, until last month. That was 16 years later. My husband knew about the situation, and he just got fed up and said that man needs to know he has a child with you. He and my husband spoke and now this man wants his child.
I feel less than a woman now and I don't know what to do. I do want to know who my child is and know if he is all right. How to I get started and come out with outcomes that make sense finally?

ScottGem · Oct 2, 2007, 08:22 AM

I understand and empathize with the hurt you feel. But I wonder what you think you will accomplish by inserting yourself and the father into the life of a 16 yr old. That's why they have closed adoptions. Even though the father's rights were involuntarily taken away I doubt if any court is going to find that sufficient reason to unseal the records.

The best suggestion I can make is to try the many adoption clearing houses to see if he is looking for you as well.

Mothergrieving · Oct 2, 2007, 09:39 AM

Thank you, I will do that.

acoston · Oct 30, 2007, 06:26 PM

I would wait a couple years until he is 18. That way if you do find him, he will be legally old enough to make the decision to have you in his life or not. At 16 I am afraid he still might be too "vulnerable."

My bio-mom explained the feelings you are having when we first met. It is not easy. Your child is apart of you. If you feel the need to at least try to find him, then do so. He may be dealing with questions about you too!

In my prayers..

missjenni · Oct 30, 2007, 07:34 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Even though the father's rights were involuntarily taken away I doubt if any court is going to find that sufficient reason to unseal the records.

If the dad got an attorney they would have to unseal the records. It's unlawful to keep a child away from his father under these circumstances. He didn't know.
If the courts refused, it's violating his civil rights... it's a sticky situation to get into.

ScottGem · Oct 31, 2007, 05:58 AM

Originally Posted by missjenni

If the dad got an attorney they would have to unseal the records. It's unlawful to keep a child away from his father under these circumstances. He didn't know.
If the courts refused, it's violating his civil rights... its a sticky situation to get into.

Sorry, but I disagree. What civil rights are being violated here? Its true that his parental rights were violated because he did not have the chance to protest the adoiption. But that's not part of civil rights.

And in cases of adoption, it's the CHILD'S rights that a judge has to deal with. And no Family court judge is going to break up a family after 16 years because a father had his parental rights curtailed.

missjenni · Oct 31, 2007, 10:47 AM

Sure they will, didn't you know that more families are broken up than put togather?
It's not unheard of
The father has natural parental rights that need to be honored. It's that simple. His right as a father cannot be denied. Fact will always remain. He may not get full custody, but visitation will be granted
... if he even persues it

ScottGem · Oct 31, 2007, 11:00 AM

Again, I disagree. We are talking about a sealed adoption here. Before anything happens a judge has to allow the records to be unsealed. I highly doube one would do that under the circumstances. If the child was still preschiool maybe, but not now.

shygrneyzs · Oct 31, 2007, 11:35 AM

Just because the biological father wants "in" on his child's life does not mean he will be granted his desire. The courts will weigh what is beneficial to the child and if it is not in the best interest of the child, it will not happen.