[lynxwizard]

Advice needed Please

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2 1/2 years ago a co-worker set me up with this Gal at work, she works in a different part of the building and I rarely see her, she is 43 now and I am 47, she is a person who believes very strongly in her Catholic faith.
Well we started seeing each other, (my girl is from Vietnam, been is the US for the last 15 years) when I first met her 2 1/2 years ago she was living with a guy named Jeff, and she said they were just Friends, she had met him at church when she was going through depression because her dad died and was feeling bad because she broke up with her boyfriend William, she moved in with William when she left her husband (more on Will later)

She said Jeff was there for her when she was in the hosiptal for a week because of her depression, then he went through depression because things were getting nasty with his ex wife and kids, so she moved in with him to help him get through his bad time because he had helped her.

She said she liked him at first but her feelings went away, and then he started having feelings for her but she said she did not feel the same way for him anymore, she told me this (because I pushed it ) before he asked her to go to Mexico with him and his 2 sons, she told me he was taking her to thank her for helping him through his bad time and that he was paying for it using his world perks and that is why she went, so it was like it was free, I was not happy about it but I trusted her, she had her own room she said.

After knowing her for a year she moved out from Jeff and got her own place, after going out a few times we became physical, and I found out when she drinks she becomes very easy, not to say she was drunk all the time when we were physical but most of the time, and that was a concern. And the physical stuff she liked very much.

After a few months I thought things were going pretty good, but she always said "we are not dateing" because of her not having a anulment, which was weird because we were sleeping together, going on trips, doing things with my Mom and Dad, I would call that dateing.

She always said she was waiting to hear back from the church about the anulment, well after a year I asked her why is it taking so long and she confessed she never followed up with more paperwork to get it going in the past and so it was not happening, she said she was afraid to go back and have to give details as to why her marriage failed, she cried when she told me this, I was upset, but she was not yet ready to get it going again.

During most of our time together she would become depressed at times when we had sex because it was wrong because it was against God, I understand how she felt, the sex did not help us. But it would happen at times. She told me she was very physically attracted to me many times.

I thought things were going good at times and at other times not sure, she would email me a lot and we would talk on the phone every day, at times she said she missed me, and there were times she would almost vanish for a few days, but twice during our 2 1/2 years together she told me her feelings were not as strong as mine and did not know if they would ever be and that maybe I should not wait for her, I told her she was worth the wait and so we kept seeing each other.

Well this May she told me she had to let me go, I was very hurt, but she always wanted to be my friend, I know how important her faith is and she had told me at times she was thinking of being a Nun.

In early June she sent me a email saying " the men that want me dont thank God for having me and that I am ahead of them in my faith", that made me feel good, but thought who are these men ?

I found out that Jeff had asked her to marry him in June and that if she did not he had a mail order bride he was going to marry, and my source told me she turned him down, I also learned he asked her to marry him about 6 months after I met her, I still don't think there was anything going on with him after she met me, but maybe, they did a lot of things together and I never did feel good about that, but she had always said they were just friends, now I think there was something between them physical at least before I met her.

This Aug she told me that she was back with William, she had told me he had been after her for awhile, a year ago she met him and some of their friends and he said he loved her and wanted to marry her, she told me her feelings were gone. But now she could not hold the feelings back and she feels he is the only one she could ever love in the last 6 years, she said she tried with me but could not get the stronger feelings.

She lived with him for 2 years 4 years ago and said she left him because he did not believe in God and she was not living the way she should, and that he had a drinking problem that was very bad and that he verblly abused her, so she left him.

She says he has now changed and they love each other very much and he is back with God, they both had issues before she said and they were putting that behind them, he is 55 and a collage professor, 12 years older than her.

Well a few weeks ago she called my place one night and I was not home and she did not leave a message (she was on the caller ID) then she called my friend at his work and told him she is engaged, but their was something wrong and asked that if William could get on the phone and explain, well William said the was on the board of directors at the school and now that she was going to marry him the union officials were looking into her cell phone records and there were many late night calls to my house and my friends work, and he did not want any type of Bill Clinton scandal, so they needed to find out what these numbers were, my friend told him who he was and then told him that my number he asked about was were he lived and William was happy with those answers, But I live there too, I wish my friend would have told him who I was, oh well, I am thinking if I was home when she called she would have hung up, I don't think she would have put him on the phone with me, nobody I have told this story believes it, it sounds like he does not have much trust and that he went though her calls.

I also found out that she has moved in with him, I don't know why she is in such a hurry, I think she should wait to see if he has really changed.

I saw her leaving work a few weeks ago and she was walking so slow to her truck, she looked bummed, she emails my friend and says she needs allot of prayer and that she is back in the church chior, but she will not be able to sing all the time because William wants her with him, but my friend said she seems happy.

I have not talked to her in a month and yesterday ran into her when we were both leaving work, she was happy to see me and gave me a big smile and we just had small talk, I said I have not heard from you and she said she has not heard from me, after talking for 10 mn she had to go and said "talk to you later".

I am surprised that she is so far in with this guy knowing how guilty she was about being physical with me and now she is living with the guy.

I love her very much and she knows I wanted to marry her, and I told her 6 weeks ago that if she ever needed anything or a friend she can call me anytime. She has brought so many good things into my life and I have never been so I love before, she is a very special women, she has such a big heart and cares allot about people, she loves my parents and they miss her very much. I am thinking she will contact them again some day. Sometimes she would only go out if they came with, I think part of it was she did not trust herself being alone with be because we would maybe end up having sex. I treated her very good when I was with her, when she left she said my love for her is so pure that she wishes I did not love her so much because I am hurting so bad.

Bottom line is I love her so much and I understand she has to follow her heart and see if it can work out with William. A friend who is a couples consoler told me if I ever want a chance to be with her again, she would have to break up with William (which he thinks will happen,) and she will need a friend then and maybe she will look at me in a different light if I can be that friend, but I thought right now maybe I could be a email friend if I can leave my feelings out of it, he says I am not ready for that, but I think I could. I know I have to move on and make myself better and I have been doing that, should I leave her alone as in No contact ? Do you think she will be happy with William, having 3 guys want to marry her on such a short time must have been a lot to deal with, what do you think about all this ?



I think I just need to walk away and if she comes back some day and I am there then maybe, Can someone get stronger feelings later on ? I know she is going to be in touch with my friend and he said she will not forget me if she needs a friend and knows how to reach me, My friend is worried about what she is doing to, but he said he cannot tell her what he thinks, he only will if she asks, do you agree with that? He thinks that will push her away if he just comes out and says he does not agree with all she is doing

Some tell me to stay away and lf she comes back it will have to be on her own, and others say keep in touch because we will already be friends if she needs me.

I am thinking I cannot push her away by not doing anything, (and I know she is far away from me ) and can maybe do harm by emailing because my feelings will come out, I think I can control that, but most think I cannot, I knows she cares a great deal for me but she is not in love with me, maybe someday. Please tell me what you all think ?

[Foxy459459]

DO what you feel is right, follow your heart. If its meant to be then its meant to be. You have to have faith. You gave a lot of information about yourself, and that takes a lot as well... Let her know that your always here as a "friend" if she ever need anything to talk or anything. Let her know that your don't want to push her into anything that she doesn't want but let her know that you will always be there even if she just needs to vent. Leave your feelings out of it but be caring. I hope I'm not confusing you. But I think you know what I'm talking about. Please keep me posted on this, and I hope everything works out for... Just keep your heart warm, and follow it!

[lynxwizard]

DO what you feel is right, follow your heart. If its ment to be then its ment to be. You have to have faith. You gave alot of information about yourself, and that takes alot as well....Let her know that your always here as a "friend" if she ever need anything to talk or anything. let her know that your dont want to push her into anything that she doesnt want but let her know that you will always be there even if she just needs to vent. Leave your feelings out of it but be caring. I hope im not confusing you. But i think you know what im talking about. Please keep me posted on this, and i hope everything works out for....Just keep your heart warm, and follow it!

Thanks Foxy, I told her a few times that I will always be there if she needs a friend and that she can call me anytime, day or night, I think that was about 7 weeks ago, Do think she will remember that ? She is such a special woman and has helped so many, but it seems like she cannot help herself, when she walks into a room she lights it up. I am trying to have faith, but it is hard sometimes, I have not heard from her in a month, then the other day I ran into her leaving work, she gave me a big smile and was happy to see me, I said I was praying for her and she liked that and said she needed allot of prayer, I said there was something else I was praying for, but did not tell her, I think she knew what I meant, it was hard to see her drive away because she was going to the other guy, I think I need to not contact her though, do you agree Foxy ? Maybe she may think about me when times are not good and then wonder what I am up to, does this make sense ? I understand she has to follow her heart and see if it can work out with this guy, I am hopeing if the day comes that she needs a friend she will seek me, Myself and others just don't feel good about this guy she is with, What do you think about the guy she's with ? She is in touch with my best friend (I trust him ) she has been confiding in him and he said he will help me in any way he can if the time comes, they have the catholic bond between them and have talked allot on the phone the last few years. I am going to follow my heart, maybe if I can be a friend some day she could feel more for me, My only hope I guess. I love her so much and I want her to be happy, with or without me, that is what I want most, I hope not contacting her is the right thing to do, what do you think Foxy ?

[lynxwizard]

DO what you feel is right, follow your heart. If its ment to be then its ment to be. You have to have faith. You gave alot of information about yourself, and that takes alot as well....Let her know that your always here as a "friend" if she ever need anything to talk or anything. let her know that your dont want to push her into anything that she doesnt want but let her know that you will always be there even if she just needs to vent. Leave your feelings out of it but be caring. I hope im not confusing you. But i think you know what im talking about. Please keep me posted on this, and i hope everything works out for....Just keep your heart warm, and follow it!

I feel bad she cannot confide in me, but my friend tells me she does because he does not love her and I do, and he promisies to help me with her if the chance comes, he does not think she is doing the right thing and is moving way to fast, but he says he cannot question her about it because he feels that could push her away from talking to him, but if she asks him what he thinks he said then he would tell her.

[Foxy459459]

I think you are doing the right thing not contacting her, but a friendly e-mail everyone once in a while, doesn't hurt just to give her and outlet in case she needs you, because sometimes with people if they are having a ruff time with things there head gets clouded and can not think straight with who to call to talk to you know? I mean just a friendly e-mail saying "hey whats up just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing?" Don't be pushy telling her that you love her or anything like that you don't want to scare her away, just let her know that you there if she needs you. Things will work out weather its with her or not. If its meant to be then it will happen. Keep your head up and if you ever need someone to talk to let me know I just went through something a little similar.

[lynxwizard]

I guess people have told me to leave her be, and maybe she will think of me on down times, how can she miss me if I am contacting her? Won't she maybe get curious as to what I have been up too ? But I have thought of sending her a nice prayer book I got that I know she would like and just saying something like " I thought you would like this book and want you to know I only want whats best for you and if you ever need a friend you can call me anytime, I will always be your friend, please remember that " how is that ? But I am still not sure if I should do it or not. And I would love to talk to you about this Foxy.

[lynxwizard]

Well she sent me a good morning email the other day, Good Morning was in the subjcet line and the email was a nice prayer, she also sent it to a few other people. So I responed today and kept it kind of short and said it was nice visiting with her the other day and I am praying for her, I signed it "Your Friend", can anyone else comment on my ordel ?

[Foxy459459]

I think that was very nice and I think the prayer book I dea would be a good idea, just something to know that you are thinking about her and that if she ever needed a friend you will always be here for her. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner the only time I have a computer is at work, my home PC is broken right now. But I think that would be a good idea. Did she respond to your e-mail?

[lynxwizard]

I think that was very nice and i think the prayer book i dea would be a good idea, just something to know that you are thinking about her and that if she ever needed a friend you will always be here for her. Sorry I didnt get back to you sooner the only time i have a computer is at work, my home PC is broken right now. But i think that would be a good idea. Did she respond to your e-mail?

No I just responded to it and I don't think she is here at work yet, Seeing she included me in a Good Morning email, I am going to send her the prayer book later this week along with a card saying I want what is best for her and that she can always contact me if she ever needs anything or just wants to talk, and remind her that she was my best friend and I will always be her friend and that I hope she never forgets that, does that sound Ok and is the best friend part OK or should I not say that

[Foxy459459]

I think that is a good idea, because your not coming off to strong, and your not being to pushy. Just saying that you will always be there for her is a good thing. I think you are going in the right direction...

[lynxwizard]

We just had a fire drill Foxy, and I ran into her coming in, I just walked by her and said a quick hello, she gave me a nice smile and said Hello, she looked so nice, looks like a new outfit, I sent her a email saying I did not visit because I did not want to keep her and said she looked really nice, was that too much for me to say ?

[lynxwizard]

Foxy, she replied, "Thanks Allen, it was nice seeing You"

[Foxy459459]

So reply and say it was nice seeing you as well, how are you doing? Just keep it short and sweet.

[lynxwizard]

So reply back and say it was nice seeing you as well, how are you doing? just keep it short and sweet.

I replyed and said just what you said, she replyed back with " I am doing good, Hows your day ? and I replyed "That's good, the day is OK, nice and quite :-)

Now I think I should just stop for now.

[Foxy459459]

Keep it going as long as she does just like I said keep it short and sweet. Sound concerened, but not obsessed. Did you ask her how her day was going as well? That I think would be OK. But like I said keep the e-mails going as long as she does.

[lynxwizard]

Keep it going as long as she does just like i said keep it short and sweet. Sound concerened, but not obsessed. Did you ask her how her day was going as well? That i think would be ok. But like i said keep the e-mails going as long as she does.

I asked her how she was and she said good, now I just got a email from her asking how my parents are.

[Foxy459459]

Then answer her, see she is still interested. Then sense she ask you a question you can ask her one like " How are things going with her family and everything?" Things are going to work out for you I promise. Just keep your faith..

[lynxwizard]

Then answer her, see she is still interested. Then sence she ask you a question you can ask her one like " How are things going with her family and everything?" Things are going to work out for you i promise. Just keep your faith..

I replyed, but I think she is really interested in them, they got along so good and I know she loves them very much, I guess I don't feel comfortable asking her to many questions, then maybe she will start telling me about her man. :-(

[Foxy459459]

Then don't ask about her man. Just ask how she is doing in general. And who is "Them"? You just have to give it time. And like I said if it is meant to be then it will happen. If its not meant to be then you will know when the right time to move on is. Just because all of this is going on does not mean that you can not go out and have a good time for yourself still. I know you prob do not want to but you should get some of your buddies together and go out and have a night for yourself...

[Foxy459459]

Read my quote and maybe you can get something out of it