[Nervous_Nellie]

Well hey everyone. I was using "The Google" tonight to try to gain some perspective on friendships when I came across this gem of a site. Your advice is really good, so I'm hoping to toss my concern out there and see what you all think I should do. In return, I promise to lurk here and provide any constructive thoughts I have for anything that may be bubbling in your worlds. :-)

OK, here's the story: For about 2 years, I've had this new best friend. We're both female, and we get along great. We LOVE to do bigtime things together (adventure travel, concerts, sporting events, etc.). We're both just under 40, both single (me by never tying the knot, and her by being 3x divorced). We live across the country from one another -- so we try to either meet somewhere or visit 1x each month or two.

Well, we just concluded one of our adventures. She brought her children (2 girls) along and it was pretty fun, except for a big child-related outburst on the final day. This is par for the course with her kids, but this one was pretty bad. I mentioned that I felt bad that this didn't go entirely smoothly and that if I could do anything, please let me know. She seemed offended that I "thought it was about me".

The other part is that on one of the nights she had a gentleman caller and I happened to be up late wandering around. I laughed it off at the time, but she was made very uncomfortable as was the caller. The next day, I just asked that she please give me the heads-up next time so I can make myself scarce. She replied to this one with something like, "You know - you make me feel like I can't have people over when you're around. That's not cool." I said I was sorry and that it was weird for me too -- and that my actions or looks were only from feeling embarrassed for being the dumb friend who didn't get "the signal".

Well, we parted ways and as usual we said what a great time we had and all of that. We both went back to our homes and here's where things went awry:

She called me and gave me this "talk" about a) how when we plan our trips, she wants to start including other adults; and b) lately I ask for too much of her attention (via phone/email/etc. once we get back to where we both live). I said I was sorry and that anytime I reach out, I'm only thinking of my friend, making a joke, or otherwise, and it's not a cry for attention.

The other thing is that upon the normal parting of ways at the end of a trip, we normally plan a new trip. This time we didn't. No big deal, but somewhat troubling in the wake of these events.

Anyway, this is all up to date as of right now. I haven't called, emailed, etc. She did send me an IM asking if I would send the photos from the fun trip.? I haven't done that yet, but I'm planning to. Maybe just not as quick as I normally do...

With that, here are my questions:

1. Have I totally smothered my friend and is this pretty much the end of a good thing?
2. If not, what the heck should I do? I can't call/email/etc. for fear of the whole "wanting her attention" thing.
3. I'm assuming I make no mention of a future trip and just send the darn pictures, right?
4. Is going radio-silent (no email, no calling, no cards in the mail, no little gifts) the right call? I usually email daily and call e/o day or so... give or take. Maybe an occasional present or card to brighten her day -- or something for the kids. Do I just stop all of this and let her make the next move(s)?

Any and all help is appreciated. I've got no flight plan here, but I'm looking to make one.

Thanks for reading this.

[statictable]

They say a fence makes for good neighbors. A closed door to the bathroom gives us privacy. There are many types of friendship from very grey to outright dependency and from very healthy to very sick. Not wanting to over generalize let me use the term "middle of the road healthy friendship." Between 2 people it's important for both to have their own life, other friends and a need for some degree of privacy. Some people have yet to get a life and may be comfortable with a single friend. Ownership has no place in a healthy friendship or more serious relationships. It might be smart to step back and think over each persons role and expectations and you may find a large variance. Good luck.