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margitaly · Sep 21, 2007, 09:34 AM

When bringing proof that your spouse has a lover to court in VA... Does it have to be by a PI? What kind of proof does it have to be? We are separated and he has a girlfriend and she spends most of her nights there. HOW many nights would I have to prove that she spends there in order to prove that he does spend the night with her? My lawyer says that since we do not have separation papers signed nether of us are supposed to SLEEP with anyone. He does spend most nights with her. Do I have to pay a professional to prove this or can I have someone I know do it for me?

tickle · Sep 21, 2007, 09:40 AM

Hi margitaly, this is obviously an issue with you, but are you two absolutely living apart and how long has it been since he, or you, moved out of the marital home? If he is still living with you then it is a problem if you both want out of your relationship, but is this the only way you feel that this can happen?

margitaly · Sep 21, 2007, 09:50 AM

We do not live together. It has only to do with the fact that in VA he does not have to pay alimony unless infidelity is found. If he is sleeping with or living with anyone in the year of separation that is considered separation in VA. I was just wonderingif anyone knew what the courts what vire as proof as my lawyer is away and I can't ask him for the next two weeks. I happen to have the kids the next two weeks and this would be a great time for me to get someone over there to get proof while I have the kids...

tickle · Sep 21, 2007, 09:54 AM

It would have to be a professional person, a PI, with credentials who would have crediibility in court. I wouldn't trust this to just a friend. But, as far as I know, they would have to be found in a compromising position and photo proof taken.

cjonline · Sep 24, 2007, 11:12 AM

Because you have separate residences the Judge might not care who is being unfaithful now. The Judge might see it as you both moved on and grant the divorce because it's been a year. Chances are that is what will happen because of the kids. There are legal ramifications to him being unfaithful, including fines and maybe jail time; the Judge might find that it's not beneficial to the kids to have daddy in jail for 6 months. Who knows with Judges, sometimes it seems that they can do whatever they feel like.

However if you're like me and still feel it's worth it then you will need good hard proof. Get someone the court trusts, a PI or a friend that's a retired police officer or lawyer to get photos or a video tape, use date stamping and if you can somehow link the girlfriend to before you split then you have a better case. I paid a PI to dig and get evidence. I never saw it, didn't want to, I requested that everything be given directly to my attorney. After my attorney got what the PI sent we took a deposition from the girlfriend and called her as a witness in the divorce, which was a mess in itself. In the end her testimony was enough for the Judge but I didn't know that going in.

I found out after the trial that she was married and her husband was in the courtroom at my divorce. Her husband's attorney later requested a copy of the transcript of the trial and used that as “proof” and got a divorce with it. Her husband got full legal and physical custody of their three children because of what she did. As I said it was a mess. This was with my second attorney, I fired my first one for a different reason, but he would never pursue this angle. Some attorney's won't, and some Judges won't hear it no matter what you show them.

This may be the last thing you want to hear but I feel I must say it. So may people can be affected by your actions. Please think about it before going further. I can't say that I would have done anything differently had I know the outcome but I can't say I wouldn't have either. There are five little kids in the middle; my two boys and their three children. Not one day has gone by that I don't think about the kids and all of this. I got want I wanted full legal and physical custody of the boys, but I might have went about it a different way had I known she would loose her kids because of what I made her say in court. Your situation may be completely different I'm just going on what happened to me.

I urge you to think about every angle, try to put your anger at your ex and his girlfriend and grief of a dying marriage aside the best you can and honestly answer if it's worth it. Does what you gain outweigh the mess and heartache you will take everyone through? Is it truly worth it? Only you can answer those questions.

I hope I helped. Good luck.