[james80]

Im new to this forum but would like whatever respomses I could receive to help me in my current situation. My story is long but I will just give a brief description and see if anyone has any advice. Firstly I need advice on weather I should think about getting back together or staying away or does this work, do breaks work, why does she want the break.

Im 27 years old and she has just turned 22. She is very intelligent and will be beginning her science carer next year she is finishing her degree this year. We have had a very close and great relationship for just over 3 years. First off she was very hard to get I took some advice from people in the beginnning to stay cool and not act to keen and just go with the flow. She had a few guys chasing her but I did not let it boher me and after 3 months of lite chat while we were working together at a pub I was in she rang and came and stayed over and we were off from there. I was the 2nd guy she was ever with but didn't want anything serious at the time but within a few months she was ever so keen. This was mainly I believe due to my good relationship skills which I had found worked well, all I did wqsa remain unavailable sometimes and have my own life.

Things were great but there was aleways some doubt in my ind and occasionally she would mention things like when I find my husband and so on, I as a bit confused with this but let it pass, occasionall saying things well you better go find him. But she would say no I want you. 2 years went by and well her feelings grew stronger as I was away with my family for a month and whren I returned she was so keen saying how se was so happy with me.

Then 9 months later she said she needed a break I tried to ask why and she just said she was not in love with me emotionally anymore and did not feel like she used too. So I tried my best to talk her around and after 2 weeks she rang and well we were back on. 1 month later she was telling me how great she felt about me and she was really liking it. She then told me she loved me. She would not move in with me to she was married as she is catholic with values.

3 months since then and she turned up at my house last night after I was at her place last night and she just said I think we should have a break. "She said I depend on you too much and ned to be able to know I can survive on my own. She then said I still love you but don't know if what I feel is enough. Then she said Lately I'm not always happy. I questioned her and she just said Im not sure I just don't feell like Im happy all the time sometimes I come to see you and Im like why did I bother...

Then she said but what if I making a big mistake.. and started to cry she said you always try and talk me out of it Im so confused you're the biggest part of my life and have been my whole world since I wa 18...

I have no idea what to do Im meant to be going to her brothers birthday Friday night. What do I do in this situation I don't want to lose her she has been so great Im Lost...

[Jiser]

Give her what she wants and don't look back! Go total No contact. Although hard It has so many benefits. All which are pretty much obvious. Keep yourself busy with the things you enjoy doing and try new things. Don't mope at home. Let her do the chasing. Any begging etc you do will be determental.

[GlindaofOz]

Just to add.

She wants a break give it to her. She is only 22 years old. Think back to when you were her age did you want to get married? Did you feel confident in who you were and your life? My guess is no. From a woman's perspective I can tell you that early 20s are very confusing time for a young woman. We need to assert who we are, find out who we are and decide what we really want.

She has a lot in front of her and she may not be ready for what you are.

Go no contact to her. Do not go to the birthday party. Give her space and let her figure out what she needs.

[ilovcali]

Agree with Jiser, give her what she wants. BREAK = BREAK-UP in my book. My ex-ex girlfriend wanted to take a "break". I told her that is just a head trip and total crap and I preferred just breaking up. Going on "break" is like having a "lame duck" relationship. Being together but not being together. What is that anyway? Just a whole lot of unnecessary confusion if you ask me. And the most quick way to losing sanity.

I think you should cut contact with her for awhile. Let her go on her own and explore what she wants to. Seems like she is confused and she is dumping her confusion on you. You can't solve her confusion, you'll just push her away if you try to. GIVE HER SPACE, LEAVE HER ALONE.

I might say take a month off and see how things after that. And you MOVE ON assuming that it is over. I know that'll be hard, but I think that would be the best thing.

--Cali

[madaman]

I agree with Ilovcali.

If you take it as a breakup now, you start healing today.
If you go on a 'break' for a month then you find out she doesn't want to get back together, you just wasted a month of time you could have been focusing on yourself.
And lets say if after a month of being broken up, she may come back after all, but at least you didn't wait and prolong your pain.

Just the way I've seen it, after 2 so called 'breaks(ups)'

[james80]

Thanks everyone for the advice I just find it so har, she spoke to me when she came over last night and said she still wants to and needs to hear from me and what's going on in my life.

[statictable]

James, I can't add a thing to what Jiser, G.O.Oz, I.L.Cali. And Madman have stated. Their all dead on.

[GlindaofOz]

Thanks everyone for the advice i just find it so har, she spoke to me when she came over last night and said she still wants to and needs to hear from me and whats going on in my life.

Yeah but that's not what you need. You will never get over her and move on if you keep in contact. Pretty much everyone on this forum can attest to that.

Her needs are irrelevant your needs are what matter. Which I know is hard to hear. But you need to love yourself more then you love her. She already told you she is not in love with you anymore so its going to be very difficult to get back into a romantic relationship. If you are planning on hanging around to see if she comes back around you will be hanging around for a long time. That doesn't mean that she won't be back for sex and emotional support if you let her.

[Ash123]

22 years old. Of course she wants a break.

To get a 22 year old to not want a break you better keep them CHASING...

Man, you cannot say a word to this girl. If you went NC 100% right at the moment of break-up you would hear from her again. If not... may be a lesson learned.
By the way, this is (roughly) break-up #3-4 for you all - so that rule held true.

She came BACK... But she runs away because what she loves is predictable.
Not your fault - it's immaturity...

One thing I CAN fault you for - saying this Break-up was from "No WHERE..." Uhhhhh, no it wasn't man... No it was not...

[james80]

Thanks everyone for the help. I feel devastated today. I saw her this morning before I went to work and she was over , she was really upset and said shed been crying and didn't know if she was making a big mistake.

She said "I wont string you along" It feels like she is though. Am I not seeing the clear picture here.

This is the girl who only told me on the weekend I miss you so much can't wait to see you tomorrow. That was on Saturday night.

She has no one else and well Im worried cause she is so attractive and could have but has said If I wanted a boyfriend I wouldn't want a break.

She has been so close to me and needed me so much if anyone is clingy it is her... She always calls at night just wanting toi hear my voice and often says I hope you don't get bored with me...

Now she's the one who wants the break. She has said in the past to a mutual friend this was a month ago that she needed to be fair to me after 3 years and decided weather I was the person she wanted to marry because I am older and if Im not the one would need time to go and find the right person...

Yet since she said that she has been so close to me and everything seemed fine.

Yet when she wanted the break she said she has been thinking about it for a while yet showed no sighns at alll and was as close and noice as ever...

[nkychic]

She says she doesn't want to 'string you along' when in fact, that's exactly what she is doing. Don't let her. Give her the break that she needs. You both need this (even if you don't know it yet). Both of you need to move on with your lives. She is obviously not ready to settle down, and you can't lead her to believe you will forever wait on her. If this is the idea you give her, then you will eat your words, you will be forever waiting. If by some chance this was meant by fate to be, then you will be together again. Don't push it, just walk away. Do the healthy thing for you both. Don't try to be friends, there are too many emotions involved for that. You need to just cut all contact with her. Go out, do your thing, let her do hers.

[mckenzie134]

Disappear from her life. Give her what she has asked for, the circumstances sourounding the break or break up are irrelevant.

At the moment what this girl needs is a good wake up call.

She needs to realise what she callks hger boyfriend is, her best friend. When she realises you are not there this and only this is when she will grow as a person.

Ive been ion your situation there is nothing you can do except let her go.

Give her time it may take a month or 2 it may take a year. She needs to grow on her own if there is any chance for you. She may not want to be with another but at the moment she is unsure if you are the one forever. At 22 would you be sure.

She may love you and want to be with you but to make such a big choice, and your older than her so she is doing the admirable thing by trying to find out if you are the one.

Mayybe you are maybe you are not! Nothing you can do here, talking to her will only make you not the opne, by moving on with your life but keeping your options open you may receive the call from a broken girl who wishes to reunit.

Time apart bmakes the heart grow fonder or makes you realise it wasn't to be.

Give her what she has asked for and let her grow as a person and you may just find her love and heart grows in your direction and by this time you may be health enough to know how to handle the relqationship and progree together or realise you are not for each other...

NO CONTACT TEXTING OR EMAIL just let it go for now... You nevcer know she may just realise you're the ONE.. GIVE it time

[ConfusedandLost]

James,
Everyone here is giving you ROCK SOLID advice... you have to go no contact! ASAP... she is so confused right now and will contradict everything she says or does. She will have your mind racing towards insanity and give you that illusion of false hope. Take it from me... I just went through what you went through and should have gone no contact from the start... I think it would have been easier.

Once you have that time to yourself you will start to see all of the "red flags" that happened during your relationship that suddenly will make sense. Without a doubt she will randomly try and contact you... let it go... stay away for a while. Become a better you... you are the grand prize... she gave it away... its her loss. Make her bear all of the pain that you have...

[Chery]

James... I agree with all who have posted here. You have some things to do and think about.

Here's another thing to think about. When she mentioned that she would not live with a man unless she was married... think of the time afterwards..
Did she enhance her affection? Did she become more available?
Now here's the 64 thousand dollar question: Did she maybe hint that it was time for you to propose, either physically or verbally?

And think of what your response was... Did you jokingly converse further about this, or did you put it to the back of your mind?

During this relationship, did you once imagine yourself married and happy with her, or was this just thought of as an eventuality?

Now, think of what there is that makes her so special. Special enough that if she comes back to you, are you ready to think marriage?

Once you have solid answers to the above, you will have a better perspective of what you really want and then you can work on it from here on.

Whatever your choice, I wish you all the best. Please don't forget that both of you will continue to mature and expand in your growth. Who knows if it will happen together.

Three years is a long time to invest. What have you gained from the 'quality' or 'quantity' enough to want to invest more?