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TygeressDemon · Sep 21, 2005, 04:00 PM

See, my dad is an alcohalic, and when no one is around, he goes berzerk, and hits me. I want to tell someone, but I love my daddy, and I don't want to lose him. I lve him, even despite those things. There's only a select few who know about it, and one of them is a teacher that I've known for YEARS, and she's my aunt's best friend, so I kow that she's trust worthry. My best friend also knows, along with her mom. See, I don't know what I can do with out losing him. Can you help me? Tell me what I should do? Please?

unis · Sep 21, 2005, 04:51 PM

I believe you should report this, so your father will be in a rehabilitation, and if he gets better, things will get better.

Its not that you will loose him, but you may be separated from him for while while he is being rehabilitated but that does not mean you going to loose him. And besides sometimes we have to make sacrifices to make things better. Would you enjoy being with your father better when he no longer hit you? Of course you will. Otherwise, him hitting you will continue and continue and may even get worse.

Is it you and your father just the one that live together?

Chery · Sep 21, 2005, 04:56 PM

You will not loose him forever, just for a little while no matter what choice you make from 1) turn him in and have him go to a dry out clinic with therapy. 2) tell him you love him and that he hurts you when he drinks, so to please go to AA or a clinic, depending on how much he needs each day. No matter which you choose, have your friend or teacher be there too. Don't put him down, BUT tell him you don't want him to get worse. Are you two the only ones in the family? I've been dry for 25 years now, and do know that if one does not admit he/she has a problem, there is nowhere else but down REAL HARD, until the way up is possible. Once he is on the way up again, he will realize that you only wanted to help him and love him. But if you let it go and think you can handle a few beatings, babe you're wrong on both counts. Maybe you need to loose him to gain a better him and you'll both be happier, honest, I've been there and hurt my daughter (not physically) but still it hurt her, because she didn't know whether I was drunk, or chocked on my own vomit, and it did not help her in school either, so the best is if he does not see it, you have to open his eyes! Good luck to you, life does not always make paths smooth, but this one IS possible.. Go to AA yourself as an Enabler - they'll tell you the same thing, don't wait on this please, the sooner the better and you'll have your old loving dad back more quick! You can email me and let me know how you both progress through this. Good Luck to both of you on this long and hard road but it will be worth it.

TygeressDemon · Sep 21, 2005, 05:08 PM

My mother lives with us too, but she plays the violin and stuff for jobs, or se'll be sewing because of what she does. She doesn't know because it'll cause a divorce and I can't take it...

Chery · Sep 21, 2005, 05:17 PM

Excuse me dear, but your mother not knowing is sheer b*******t. She just wishes all this were not happening and hopes it will all go away somehow. If Dad is out of a job right now, it will get worse, even if your mom thinks she'll have to divorce him, it will be just you and him, and that is not good unless he gets the help he needs, and secretely I think he wants. Men don't really want to hurt their families if they never did before, but they certainly can't stop unless they stop drinking! Like I said before this is not going to be easy, but you cannot afford to let it stay the way it is, so make your choice and don't worry about your mom, she's an adult and sees all, and if she doesn't want to get 'involved' take her to the AA Enabler meetings to open her eyes too. DON'T HESITATE please!

wzartv · Sep 21, 2005, 05:19 PM

OK very important - my girlfriend whom I have been with for a long time - her father died because he was an alcoholic. Thankfully, he wasn't abusive to her, and he really really loved her and she really really loved him and they got along so well when he was dry.

Even though they had some rough times, they still got along. Three years ago, her father passed away because he basically drank himself to death. It was accidental, but it happened and now he is gone.

Even though it has been three years, she still falls to tears when she thinks about him.

Not only is the hitting bad, but YOU need to help him - because he CANNOT HELP HIMSELF - you need to help him before something happens to him!

I know you love him, and this is hard, but you need to help him and help yourself - would you rather lose him for a few months in rehab or would rather lose him for life because he is no longer alive?

TygeressDemon · Sep 21, 2005, 05:27 PM

My dad and mom work together. The do canvas stuff, so I'm in a bad spot... See what I mean? I'm 13, and lost, my family is already on its hinges, I don't want to do anymore damage to it :( so what do I do?
Besides telling someone, what do I do?

Chery · Sep 21, 2005, 05:38 PM

If you don't want dad to get healthy because material things and such are more important, then get him a bottle of whisky, let him drink himself to death, because he's committing slow siucide anyway, so get it over with. As for you, do you really want to continue to live this way? I don't think so, and sorry there is NO OTHER WAY OUT. NO QUICK PILL, NO QUICK CURE for this disease, and that's what it is. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC, and am glad I don't ever need to touch that stuff ever again, and I'm also glad to still be alive, so take it from there. No matter how long you stay on this forum, I don't think you'll hear anything else, and time is ticking... Bless you and hope you do the right thing.

unis · Sep 21, 2005, 05:56 PM

I agree to Chery.

jduke44 · Sep 21, 2005, 06:21 PM

Ok, if you won't take it from these people who are giving you great advice please take it from me, just one more person. You NEED to tell someone. End of story. You are only 13 years old and this is tearing you apart. We all understand it is hard to say anything because you are afraid of the consequences. I have one question: do you think this is your fault? Or better yet do you think you will be blamed for him having to go to rehab? Believe me when I tell you, it is not your fault this is happening. They brought you into this world and should be trying to give you a better life. Looking at it from the outside, this is not helping you. There is no way you can concentrate on school. Trust us, it is for the better. One other thing, I am not sure how far law goes in the state you are in but the teacher friend that knows this, she may have to under law tell someone that you are being abused. I hope I am not coming across too strong, if I am I apologize. I too had an alcoholic father but he was not abusive physically but he was verbally. My parents almost got a divorce when I was 13 not because I did anything but because he was drinking. Like wzartv said "He cannot help himself". We are not expecting you to understand this at 13 but we say this from experience and ask you to trust us. Please, please, please!

rkim291968 · Sep 21, 2005, 09:53 PM

Originally Posted by TygeressDemon

See, my dad is an alcohalic, and when no one is around, he goes berzerk, and hits me. I wanna tell someone, but I love my daddy, and i don't wanna lose him. I lve him, even despite those things. There's only a select few who know about it, and one of them is a teacher that I've known for YEARS, and she's my aunt's best friend, so I kow that she's trust worthry. My best friend also knows, along with her mom. See, I don't know what I can do with out losing him. Can you help me? Tell me what I should do? Please?

In another 2 - 3 years as you get older, smarter, and when your teenager attitude fully kicks in, you are going to hate him for what he does. You are going to HATE him that MUCH more. So, either you face this issue head on NOW or continue to suffer and face it later. It's just matter of time, YOUR time.

fredg · Sep 22, 2005, 04:09 AM

Hi,
How old are you?
Is there an Ala-Non chapter in your local area?
Can you go to an Ala-Non meeting?
If you can, please do!!
You will find out one very, very important thing about an alcoholic;
They will NEVER get better, will NEVER change, will NEVER won't to stop drinking, just for today, UNTIL something happens to make them, themselves, see what they are doing to others.
If you let conditions stay as they are, and do not do something, like tell a Social Worker, then it WILL GET WORSE.
It cannot get better; unless you tell someone NOW.
Please, Please, Please believe me; it will only get worse.
You have to tell someone now, and it's best if you talk with a Social Services person, or someone like your Teacher, Your Aunt, tell them he is hitting you.
Things have to get worse, with your relationship with him, before they get better.
PLEASE do something now. If you really love your father, help him, by letting other people know what is going on. He is not going to change anything with his drinking until he fully realizes what he is doing to you!
Best of luck,
fredg

TygeressDemon · Sep 22, 2005, 09:22 AM

There are many things tearing me apart in life. And, I love my him, and no, he is NOT drinking himself into a slow suicide. I know, but isn't there another way, because he has no idea that I told anyone. This isn't the only thing that's tearing me apart you know. There are many things.

Chery · Sep 22, 2005, 10:16 AM

Dear Helmly, throughout your young life, it will seem that many things 'rip you appart'. All pre-teens go through stages as you will - we older folks have gone through them also and survived as best we could. It's all part of growing up and sometimes very hard, but still a fact of life. What do the people outside of this forum, who know you and about what's going on, tell you? I bet it is similar to what you've heard here. You have received support from those who don't even know you, and we care what happens, really we do! If this is not enough for you go to an al anon group meeting just once and read brochures about enablers, get a big picture of what your future, and your dad's is going to be like if nothing is done to prevent this. I don't judge your dad, don't get me wrong, but he does need help, and if he does not see it, - he will continue to get worse. Alcohol kills a certain 'control center' in the brain that when no longer there makes issues worse and worse every day. Do you want this to happen? Your teen problems will eventually fade away as you grow, but your dad's problems will NOT fade, so try and put a few of your problems to the side and help your dad if you really love him as you state. A part of growing up is placing priorities on things that can be taken care of at another time. Alcoholism is not one of these that can be put aside! We can 'chat' this subject to death and you can come up with one excuse after another, but if you don't do something soon, you'll either do something to harm yourself, or let your dad slowly kill himself and then you'll live with that too. So now go and do something that will help BOTH of you on the road to recovery, the sooner the better. Maybe he 'slapped' you because you said or did something that drove him to it - all teens rebell, but parents understand that too. This does not mean that you don't love each other, but this day and age in most countries, it's illegal to physically hurt your children, and boy children do try and push to the limit somethimes, but that too is part of life. So, if this is one of the reasons you are making excuses for him, don't. Now again, Get Help For Both of You!!

wzartv · Sep 22, 2005, 12:37 PM

Hello,

I'm sorry - I didn't mean he was purposely drinking himself to death. But when one is an alcoholic, it can cause SEVERE liver damage over time and heart failure when it is done that much - even if he is not trying to.

The person I was talking about earlier had no desire to die, it just happened because he drank too much over time and it finally caught up to him.

You NEED to make the right decision. I know you are confused. I know you are worried. But it is the best thing for you to do for you and for your father.

fredg · Sep 23, 2005, 04:30 AM

Hi, Tygress,
So you are 13 yrs old?
Your parents are on the verge of a divorce or separating?
Alcohol hurts the family, friends, and relatives. It hurts the family most.
Your father WILL NEVER GET BETTER, if he is really an alcoholic, UNTIL he, himself, decides that it's not worth it anymore drinking.
YOU can make a difference in your life, as well as your Mom's life. But, you have to act now.
If it means your Mom and Dad separate, then so be it. You must tell someone about your Dad hitting you. It will NOT get better, until you decide to take action.
Your family cannot continue living this way for very long, and it will continue getting worse.
Have you considered my first suggestion about going to an Ala-Non meeting?
Find out for yourself just how BIG this problem is, and there is nothing that will help him, until something drastic happens. You have to act now.
Alcoholism tears apart families, and your Dad cannot stop himself, until he realizes that... you can help by telling about the hitting.
Replying to these posts on the forum, telling us how bad it is, is only going to get worse. He is hitting you now, so what will he do when he gets worse??
Best of luck,
fredg

Chery · Sep 23, 2005, 07:30 AM

I'll be online for about an hour today, so contact me if you get the chance Kristen. Remember, we are here for you!

Chery · Sep 24, 2005, 04:11 AM

Dear Kristen! I only see your original post on this board now... did you delete them or did someone else get into your computer and do it. How are you doing? Please respond as soon as you can, I'm worried about you and I CARE!!

Chery · Sep 24, 2005, 04:14 AM

It's either my computer or something wrong with the site, after writing the last post, all the others popped up again. But I still would like to hear from you, so please please contact us as soon as possible, even to just type XXXXX, I need a sign from you!

s_cianci · Sep 25, 2005, 06:55 PM

It is somewhat shocking that a few adults have knowledge of this situation and yet have failed to step in to do what is necessary to protect you from further abuse. You cannot allow yourself to be abused by your father any longer. It is NOT OK for him or anyone else (i.e. future husband/significant other) to treat you this way. Someday he may seriously injure you, maybe even kill you. You need to get away from him now! I know it will be hard because you love him, but you must protect yourself. Until he can bring himself and his drinking under control, he has no right to even call you his daughter. He has failed in his responsibility as a father, pure and simple. You need to go and live elsewhere. If your mother does not live with your father and is trustworthy, then go live with her. If she is just as incapable a parent as your father, then turn to the family of your best friend or the teacher that you speak of. NO ONE, whether they be your mother, father or anyone else has the right to treat you this way. You need to make up your mind not to allow yourself to be treated this way. I know it's hard for a young person such as yourself to do this and that's why you need to obtain the support of trusted adults to help you. Please do this now, for your physical safety as well as your emotional health. Failuer to act now will leave you with unspeakable damage that may never be undone and you'll have to live with that for the rest of your life. Get out now and rebuild your life while you still have the chance.