[Chery]

Do people really feel that void or do they just harden their hearts to it? I feel as though he's denying that the last two years ever even happened.

I don't think he's denying that they happened. He made a choice not to let his life continue the way it did. That's a wise choice for anyone who is not happy and feels used. What would you have done? Don't you think he has the rigth to be happy without you?

Look at the picture again, was it all really that good for him? Or were you out on a trip and basically self-centered at that time. I'm certain he felt that void and it did hurt him. Now you feel a void and it hurts, but just as he did, you will get over it. We all claim that we will not let anyone ever hurt us like that again, but it does happen again - for different reasons. As we go along in life, it just doesn't hurt as much and we wipe it off and go on with life a lot sooner because we get a little stronger every time - and hopefully a little wiser. It's still there though, that's what make us human.

We love, we hurt, we cry... until the day we die.

[hpallister]

I did leave him with a void, that's very true. He never fully expressed what that meant to him until after the break up. I hate that I did that to the one person I really didn't want to hurt, it's so horrible. He says I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. I just wish I could turn back the clock.

[Chery]

That is the one thing we cannot do. No matter how much we wish it, that clock goes forward. And.. go forward is what you should be doing.

He is going on with his life, and so should you. It's not healthy to 'cry over spilt milk' and you know it. What you can do is make darned sure the you will not make the same mistake the next time. I'm saying the NEXT time... be it with another person or with him.

As we said, you need to stand alone, like yourself again before you 'share' yourself and all your guilt with someone else.

You can do it, it will take time, but it gets better as the days go by.

It will get better...

[hpallister]

Yeah, I do feel I'm making more positive steps, it's when I look back that it hurts the most. I am doing well with my counselling though, and it's making me see things from a lot of angles.

[hpallister]

Hopefully I'll be seeing my ex on Sunday to sort things out regarding our flat... I'm dreading it as I feel like I'll just be in tears when I see him... it's so hard to stay strong. There's so much I want to say to him but I don't want to scare him away or give him even more reason to keep his distance. I just wish I could relax around him, that would make things so much easier.

[Chery]

Honey, I hope it was not so bad. Show of emotions is a human thing and we cannot turn it on and off.

Just want to let you know I'll be offline for approximatel 3-4 days (in hospital) but don't want you thinking that I am ignoring you.

Have a good weekend!

[hpallister]

Thanks Chery, you've been so lovely to me, sorry to hear you're going to be in hospital- hope you're OK?

I didn't see him in the end, his grandma had a stroke on Friday, but he's said he might be free next weekend.

My counseller suggested I write him a letter, which sounds god but I'm not sure if it would do much good...

I miss him so much.

[rol]

hpallister,
I'm reading your posts, hope things are going OK.

I know it's a tough tough time, but things will eventually get better.

Write some feeling letters to him but don't send them , it will help get your emotions out..

[hpallister]

Also, if I were to write a letter, what would it say?

Feel like my mind's a mess, I feel like true love like what we had is rare, I can't believe it could just disappear.

[talaniman]

I feel like true love like what we had is rare, I can't believe it could just disappear.

It doesn't disappear, people change, that's what life is about,, change.

[hpallister]

Does change really happen that quickly? I went from being The One, the person he wanted to marry, to nothing. It's like he wants to pretend I never existed. I'd be able to cope if I didn't have all the memories of such great times.

[talaniman]

Does change really happen that quickly?

It can, but more than likely you just never noticed the change until it hit you between the eyes. You aren't the only one in that respect.

It's like he wants to pretend I never existed.

Seems that way right now when your feelings are so fresh and raw, and he has moved on.

I'd be able to cope if I didn't have all the memories of such great times.

You will heal and move on and still have the memories, I still have mine more than 35 years later.

[hpallister]

I keep waking up at around 5am just shaking through sheer panic, it's like I suddenly remember what's happened and that he's not beside me. I can't believe that this is over. We loved each other so much, it felt like we were a family.

Why is he avoiding me? We have so much stuff to sort out, both logistically and financially and he seems so reluctant to face it all. We shared a home.

[rol]

HPallister,
Reading your posts you sound like me last year,

I know so well the sudden shock,
As Tal says people change...

He's going through his own grief right now and avoiding you is probably his way of getting through it. Its for the best. Staying in contact will only give you mixed signals..

Don't make excuses to contact him for the logistics etc.

<I keep waking up at around 5am just shaking through sheer panic, it's like I suddenly remember what's happened and that he's not beside me. I can't believe that this is over. We loved each other so much, it felt like we were a family>

It gets better , time really heals..

[hpallister]

Do the people that end relationships grieve the end of the time together in the same way? I know this man inside out - I can't help but feel he's avoiding facing the reality of the end?

[cerulean]

You have to get everything you want to say OFF YOUR CHEST with him while you have the chance, so you know where you stand, and what he wants. He might be confused, but your inconsiderate and insensitive actions are not part of a healthy relationship. This is what happens in relationships, people take people for granted, and assume they will be there forever, and what they don't realize, is that you only get one chance really.. and all he did was give you a lot of little chances. He just got fed up. Enough was enough for him. Everyone has that threshold where they are fed up, he faced his.

I know you want your independence and that's good. You or him for that matter, shouldn't allow someone to determine your worth, and you shouldn't make someone else your whole world, but you have to realize, that when you are in a relationship... tenderness, forethought, manners, courtesy, and kindness are the true signs of love in relationships.

Without them you just have a roommate situation.

fore&#183;thought
–noun 1. thoughtful provision beforehand; provident care; prudence.
2. a thinking of something beforehand; previous consideration; anticipation.


A relationship is not like a mountain that you climb and when you get on the top of it, you no longer have to climb. A relationship is something that you treat like a delicate ming vase, something you nurture and grow, like a beautiful plant. It is ALWAYS TENDED TO.. it is not left to stagnate.

That's what people don't realize, they don't understand how to feed and water a relationship so that it is nourished without crowding and attentively tended to so that it does not die.




[QUOTE=hpallister]Hi, hope someone can help me, below is a quote from a previous post I made about a week ago...

I have been been with my boyfriend for a little over two years and have been living with him for a year, and when we first moved in together I went out a lot, mainly in an effort to retain my own identity. On a few occasions I did daft things like not invite him out, meet up with male friends, get drunk and then expect him to pick me up late at night. I was insensitive and inconsiderate basically. He also had worries about the fact I had a myspace, and so I got rid of it. Over the last 6 months or so I have not been out nearly as much, and have made a real effort to consider him and make him part of my social life. We were solid, had a great time together and were planning our futures. It was a real bond. I however was having a rough time with work and got a Facebook as a distraction, to email old (female) schoolfriends. He found out and this has greatly upset him, because of my secrecy and the fact that I went ahead and did something when I knew might hurt him. He no longer trusts me, and is seeing the whole relationship in a negative light.
About a month ago he split up with me because of this, saying that the face book thing had made him question what he was 'getting out of the relationship' and why he put up with those inconsiderate actions. I shoud stress that he is a very sensitive, considerate and kind person and isn't controlling, he just rightly believes in 'do as you would be done by'.

Today he texted me saying he would be moving his stuff out of our flat, where he's been staying in the month since our breakup, this week (which he had said he would do last week) and would I like to meet on Friday to sort everything (rent, etc I presume) out. Things is, I'm not sure how to behave- should I leave the subject of the relationship completely alone or should I address the issues I'm currently talking through with my therapist? He seems to be trying to ween himself off me- I sometimes feel as though he's putting the good side of our relationship out of his mind on purpose if you know what I mean? :confused: He very much seems on the defensive. I don't really know how to handle this for the best? Any advice would be gratefully received...

[hpallister]

You're right, and it's so true, I was scared because I have made peope my world before and been terribly hurt so I guess the things I did were a way of defending myself. I failed to see that when you becaome a couple you have to share. As an only child I guess I wasn't ready for this!

I would give anything to give him the relationship he wants. I just wish I could have his love and trust like I had before, I wish I could have done the growing up I've done in the past few months earlier.

Can you fall in love with someone you've been with before all over again?

[smoothy]

I can say most of us have done dumb things like that, or been on the other end of someone that did this to us.

You can't make someone want you, all you can do is figuratively leave the door open and let them know and sit back. Maybe they will come back but be ready if they don't. And be prepared to respect their feelings and move on. Consider it a learning experience and a lesson in life. Sometimes it takes a harsh lesson to get through to us that our actions can have consequences. We all have bad habits. You aren't alone in that, but most of us learn from our mistakes and become better people from them. Those that don't, well...

As the famous quote goes.

"He who forgets history is doomed to repeat it."

[hpallister]

Thanks that's really good advice. I am sitting back as best I can. It's so hard though when you cares so much! I want to know if his gran is OK, but I feel like even if I ask it'll seem false, you know? It's daft and probably what everyone says but I can't help but feel that we had something very very special, we told each other things and supported each other through stuff that was so very personal, and we were totally on the same wavelength. I just wish he could see that the mistakes I made are in the past, and aren't part of who I am now. Sometimes I wonder if he's made himself look at the mistakes in order to make breaking up with me easier, which sounds stupid I know.

[smoothy]

OH trust me I know its hard... and it is because you care. All you can do however is wait and see. I've been there before, I know precisely what you mean.


There is a saying, Time heals all wounds. Its true... eventually in time the hurt will fade, eventually you wonder why you bothered at all because you have found someone even better, and at the very least you have learned something that makes you a better person.